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Ready to end this battle
  1. #61
    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    Geez - almost at 30 days!! Amazing!! Such a super accomplishment. You inspire others, I hope ya know.

    I'm not an NA member, but as part of the genpop, on other drugs - I think if you're honest with yourself about your tolerance, then go for it.

    I never had a problem with alcohol, so I know I can have a few drinks once a month, and not need it beyond that. Heck, since becoming a pill addict, I haven't had more than two drinks in years. But, it will be nice to be able to socially cocktail again, as I won't fear slamming drugs in my system!

    If you can honestly say that NOW you can smoke without needing a different or better high (like pills), then I don't have a problem with it. If you can drink without NOW wanting to go out and find percs, then go for it.

    I went to one NA meeting years ago, and I got the vibe that they label you an addict, and therefore, unable to handle any drug. Perhaps things have changed - I'll check back to see NA'ers response.

  2. #62
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    Little update here on day 28!

    So things are just the way I was hoping they would be! NORMAL!!!!!! I feel good, sleep patterns are good, not the best but they certainly are not bad minus the fact that my little girl came down with a horrible stomach Flu two nights ago and we were up with her all night doing laundry and cleaning carpets, lol! I felt so bad for her but there wasnt much I could do. Got to take the day off work today to take care of her as she recovers! I actually did a good bit of cleaning, dishes, steamed the floor, vacuumed etc. Needless to say my wife will be impressed. I am find these bits of energy or ambition to do things like this which is good because that wasn't around for a long time!

    I still feel my energy levels go up and down from time to time but that is to be expected. I have not been exercising much because between work, kids, NA meetings and sports I haven't had the time. I am not much of an early riser but I am considering making a drastic choice to get up at 5:00 a.m. and going to the gym because that is the best time for me right now as my wife works out at 6:30 here at the house and the kids have to be on the bus at 8. It would be perfect, except the getting up part but may be a great change of pace for me.

    Really looking forward to Saturday night and my NA meeting. 30 days means a lot to me and shows me how far I have come. Getting up Sunday morning and taking a ski trip up North with a good friend of mine. Will be away for 3 days or so and I am really looking forward to it. Last year on this trip my pill usage was just beginning to ramp up, I can play it through my head like it was yesterday as it was right when my doctor gave my first bump in dosage, I remember how happy I was that he did it then, looking back now I realize how stupid I was to think this was good thing! So happy to be done with this >>>>. I DID IT, I ENDED THE CYCLE, I WON THE BATTLE. There is still time in front of me and I WILL continue on this path of freedom!

    TURN THE PAGE, WALK AWAY!

    RJ

  3. #63
    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    Dayum, boy! Did you ever think you could do this? 30 days is HUGE. I think the first 30 are the hardest, as now your mind and body have formed NEW habits of sobriety. Each day you get farther and farther from being an addict, and being more a clean person.

    I'm sure your little girl is a huge motivation for you. I worked with a guy once who kept a picture of his kid in a cigarette pack. It's what kept him from ever smoking again.

    Congrats, and enjoy every moment of getting your chip this weekend. Carry it proudly - you deserve it, RJ!

  4. #64
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    Default Setbacks, Struggles & Frustrations

    Hello Friends,

    So I talked in my previous post about my daughter coming down with a stomach bug. Last night it transferred to my son around 9:00 p.m. last night before transitioning to my wife around 11:30 p.m. I had no idea she was feeling bad because I pretty much slept right through it as she was with my son in the living room. Sleep is a blessing so no hard feelings there. When I woke up this morning she asked if I had heard her last night, to which I answered no. I could tell she was feeling horrible and with the snow day for the kiddos that meant she was home alone with them after I took my daughter to the dentist this morning and headed to work.

    Well go figure at about 12:30 the symptoms set it and the stomach bug was having me up to the bathroom every 10 minutes. I had to interview someone so I passed the duties to the next in charge. Came home and the drive was horrible. The terrible body aches set in, the headache, fever, diarrhea and upset stomach. SO on DAY 29 I am horribly reminded of that Day 1, 2 & 3 not so long ago! It is messing with my mind. Although I know this has so much more to do with the bug and so much less due to my recovery it is still a struggle as it takes me back to that time.

    I didn't even feel like getting on here to share but figured it would be best for me. Knowing that tomorrow is Day 30 and I will be heading to NA for my 30 day tag, it has me scared I may not make it. These are the things we face in recovery, whether it be and illness, a broken bone, surgery, or another major event, we have to stay strong and persevere through the struggles, setbacks and frustration. This is something I am learning each day. Mind over matter, I will feel better, hopefully before my trip up North for my ski trip on Sunday. My head is pounding, stomach in knots, and body aching but I will NOT GIVE UP or GIVE IN!

    Turn the page, walk away!

    RJ

  5. #65
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Hi RJ,

    Sorry about that pesty bug that has invaded your household. It's been around my parts too, not in my house. Yet at least. You mentioned in your thread that it's hard to know what is a part of your recovery and what is just having the bug. I assure you, at this point it's the bug. Take two aspirin and call me in the morning! If it is the same stomach bug that's going around here, take heart because it only lasts a day or two.

    Tomorrow is 30 days!?! Awesome and congratulations. I have been meaning to stop in and let you know that I have noticed that you are posting all over the place offering support and advice. Thank you for hanging around. I'm so proud of you. You really did this!!

    Feel better soon.

    Peace,

    Cat

  6. #66
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    Hey Cat,

    Seems like this bug is starting to pass! All to reminiscent of the early detox for my liking. No sleep, in the bathroom every 15 minutes, achy headaches, body tired. I am sure glad it is on its way out the door. I am heading your direction for the next few days, Vermont is calling my name, hard to believe its going to be 48 and 55 degrees in early March. We usually go in late march and it was snowing and very cold last year!

    So good news is I will be making my meeting tonight to get that 30 day Tag! I have enjoyed my time on here. I haven't had tremendous response on my feed but to those like you who have replied it has made things so much easier. Just want to do my part and pay it forward.

    Looking forward to my time on the slopes and with mother nature!

    RJ
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  7. #67
    Reeray is offline Member
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    Dear Tired and Texas,

    I just wanted to say how much you have both inspired me. I am so happy for your success at stopping the pain pills.

    Thanks for posting your stories here.

  8. #68
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    Reeray,

    How can we help you get off those 25mgs you are on? We are here to help if you really want to be finished with the battle!

    RJ

  9. #69
    Reeray is offline Member
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    Hello Tired,

    I am tired of the cycle too. I have tapered from 120mg. down to 25mg. and have not been able to go any lower without severe symptoms of WD.

    I know I should just pick a day and stop. It seems it is never a good time, and to be truthful, I am scared to death of the WD and the lengthy depression I will most likely have. I have been on opiates daily for 13 years, originally prescribed for fibromyalgia. I was cut off by my doctor because it was no longer "their policy" to prescribe pain medicine which was fine with me because I was tired of the way the pills were affecting me. However, I felt like I was dying and started getting some from my double amputee husband and you know the rest. I don't get any euphoria anymore or energy. This dose just barely keeps me out of the more severe withdrawal.

    I so appreciate you offering assistance and will start my own thread when I am ready which will most likely be around March 16TH.

    I have read that Neurontin (gabapentin) is really helpful if taken in somewhat large doses, but I am leery of getting dependant on that.

    I hope you are doing well. Are you feeling some depression?

    Thanks again, Reeray

  10. #70
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    RJ,

    Where are you? I expected you to be here and flaunting your 30 day chip. Congratulations!

    Where in VT are you going? Killington? No snow. No natural snow anyway. It's been just cold enough to support snow making but last I looked, they are predicting high 60's and maybe even 70 degrees this coming week. That's insane! But it's New England. We can go from 20 to 70 and back to 10 in 24 hours. Makes it interesting. I hope the weather is perfect for you. Cold enough so that they can groom the slopes and warm enough during the day so that you can ski in a T shirt. Perfect! I will think of you as I watch the weather in the next few days and I will of course expect a full report upon your return. Depending upon where you are going, it's possible that I'm less than 90 minutes away. I'll be the one sending up good vibes into the sky. Watch for them cause they'll be for you. Enjoy.

    Peace,

    Cat

  11. #71
    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    You made it, and you got the chip.

    Congrats, RJ!!!!

    As for the physical reminder when you were just sick...I get that, I do. But, now that you've gotten sick just for being sick, and not from being dopesick, the next time you have the flu, your mind and body will remember this time that you had the flu - it won't remember wd. Every day you get farther from being an addict. Every day you get farther from the memory of wd.

    Lookie here- 30 of those have already added up.

    Hope you enjoy your bro weekend! You deserve it.

  12. #72
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    Default Letdown City!

    Hello friends,

    It is with some sorrow that I come on here to post today, day 1 into my ski trip. Had a freak accident, major wreck on the slopes today. Ended up having to be brought down the mountain by ski patrol. Long story short, I have a partially collapsed lung and many broken ribs in my back. BY FAR THR WORST PAIN I HAVE EVER BEEN IN!!!

    When the ambulance picked me up, I told the medic about my situation and about my desire to not have any opiates. With my immense pain, he explained it was absolutely nessacary to give me a minimal dose of fetanyl, in very small doses until I was just a bit more comfortable for the ride. When I got t the hospital I was still in very tremendous pain and couldn't even lay down which I needed to do for the CT scan. I also explained my situation to the doctor and he said that in order to the do the test he would need to administer a small amount of morphine. He explained that these situations are ones in which we have to make exceptions and only when medically needed. I agreed. After the test, still in a lot of pain from the CT SCAN, he asked about more and I said lets just wait it out and I am glad I did because it became manageable. They also gave me toradol, which I know nothing about. He said it was anti inflamitory.

    At the end he said he wanted to write me a script for tramadol because this truly will the worst pain I will ever feel. I told him I will only take it if the ibruprofen I have done work which he thought was a good idea.

    So here I sit, 31 days clean out the window. Very bummed about the situation. Funny thing is was when I lay on the slopes in horrible pain, the first thing that crossed my mind was well there goes my progress. I knew it would be inevitable with the pain I had. Just upset and don't want to beat myself up. My ski trip is ruined, my clean time out the door. Just bummed!

    RJ

  13. #73
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Yikes! You know these things happen but I'm so sorry that you got hurt. You'll get through this and good for you for handling things the way in which you did. Proud of you for that. Do the best that you can and don't let this break your spirit. Don't even worry about the break in the number of days you have. This isn't a relapse in my opinion. It's what you do from here that's the important thing. Sometimes we need to treat pain. We just do. Be conservative and mindful and you're going to do just fine with this.

    Please keep in touch so that we know how you're doing with your injuries. I'm so sorry! Feel better soon.

    Peace,

    Cat

  14. #74
    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    Oh, RJ - this just broke my heart for you. I think all addicts fear some type of accident, and the ensuing narcs they'll push on us.

    BUT, through it all - rather than just give up and become despondent, you told everyone with an IV drip ready to go about your sobriety. How HUGE is that? I mean, really? I think that's enormous, and you should take so much pride in not only vocalizing your situation, but doing all you physically could to resist and in many cases, you did JUST that.

    So, the whole thing totally blows...the ruined ski weekend, the body damage from the accident, and the small amount of opiates you took.

    BUT, I see it like it was a test. Like the Universe was taunting you, "oh yeah? 30 days clean? Let's see about that!". And you not only passed, but you did it with honesty and love for yourself.

    This is a blip, and NOT a relapse, RJ. It was an unpreventable and unfortunate accident. So long as you stay committed to working through the pain without narcotics, don't accept any scripts, don't start street shopping, you'll power through the (brief) pain and come out even MORE married to sobriety.

    Narcs tried to pull you back in, and you gave them the middle finger. WELL DONE, my friend.

    *hugs*

  15. #75
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    Hello LS and Cat,

    Thank you both for your support!

    So last night I was miserable, this pain is down right unbearable! I have been popping 800 >>> every six hours. I have the script for the 12 tramadol but feel like I'm doing something wrong if I take one even though it may actually make me more comfortable. I know this is REAL pain, like maybe the worst I have felt. Any thoughts or opinions?

    So on Facebook one friend of mine who had no idea about my use said "enjoy the Percocet". That is what the normally give to people with this because of the tremendous pain. It is becoming unmanageable. I'm glad I spoke with the doctor and they didn't give me them. But I am hurting and need relief.

    Any insight?

    RJ

  16. #76
    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    What specifically is causing your pain? Is it something you can treat with muscle relaxers or prescription anti-inflammatories? Would a nerve pain pill help? Do you feel you have a doc who can fairly answer this? If not, perhaps even a call to your pharmacist can help. Sometimes docs just write scripts for narcs without really understanding the potential damage and without exhausting other options.

    If you end up feeling there is no other option than the tram, I would give your wife the pills to hold and dispense, and have her hide them in a REALLY good spot otherwise.

    I would take the pain meds, RJ, but of course it's your call. Rampant, legitimate pain makes it harder for the body to heal.

    Only you know within yourself if the pain is a true 12, or if you're fishing for an excuse. If your answer is the former, then yes, take SMALL, measured by your wife, doses. If it's the latter, than hell no!!

  17. #77
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    RJ,

    This is your call, Darling. Trams can be nightmarish if you let them get out of hand. It just seems so easy for me to say go ahead and try one. I am tempted to say that if you really can't stand it (I'm not making light of your injuries, believe me!!!!) try ONE. If you don't get relief, flush the rest.This is a cross road. If one doesn't work, I know the next step and it's to try another and on it goes. Only you know what you can handle right now and I for one am not going to make that judgement. Grrrrr. No easy choices here. I'm so sorry!!!!

    Peace,

    Cat

  18. #78
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    I am on a ski trip with my friend in killington Vermont. I spoke with the doctor about my specific details of my opiate problem. I have three broken ribs on my back side and a partially collapsed lung. The nurse and Doctor both said this would be the worst pain I have ever felt and I believe them now. The reason he prescribed me tramadol and not oxycodone as he normally would have is because of my concerns.

    Be honest it's is pain and I still have no desire for the opiates outside of that. Just in so much pain and the have an 8 hour drive home tomorrow. I just don't want to be a failure but this is KILLING ME. I can't lay down, I can't even move without this crazy pain.

    I'll see how long I can make it. I am not cheating i am not giving up. I guess this is what I have to deal with for the rest of my life with injuries..... I will keep you in the loop!

    RJ

  19. #79
    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    Both are totally painful - my Mom recently took a fall and broke two ribs, and my bro had a collapsed lung. These injuries will bring you to your knees for sure.

    I think you have the right attitude, RJ. I mean, if you weren't looking for ways to manage the pain while maintaining your goals, then you wouldn't even be debating it.

    I vote taking the edge off. You'll know if you start abusing again, and you'll also know how to stop. Your wife will be infinitely supportive - lean on her. Hard.

    Again, so sorry, my friend. Such a cruel turn, but I have every faith you'll get through and back to being clean.
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  20. #80
    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    RJ - how are you doing?

  21. #81
    Reeray is offline Member
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    RJ, I'm new here, but justed wanted you to know how bad I feel for you. Just be your strong self and you will get through this. Do what you have to do to heal. You are not and never will be a failure.

    Peace and Prayers, ReeRay

  22. #82
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    Ahh the mysteries of this forum, it appears my late night post last night never made it up.

    Regardless, here is my update. This is pretty much miserable, as miserable as you can get. I have tended to stay pretty positive through my detox and recovery but this injury is dragging me down. The pain is through the roof! Everything I do, move, stand up, sit down, lay down hurts badly like I'm being stabbed in my ribs and lungs. Coughing and sneezing, I don't even want to talks about that pain. Heck every single deep breathe is horrendous. I barely slept at all last night because nothing was comfortable enough to get real rest. The pain doesn't seem to be subsiding.....at all!

    I just made it home after the 8 hour drive. I am laying in the comfort of my own home waiting for the kids and wife to get home although I will be pretty much useless for a while it will be great to see them after my time away.

    Which brings me to the pain meds they gave me(tramadol) 12 to be exact. Last night I was in bad pain talking with my wife and she said I should take one. She has been a huge supporter of mine through my detox and clean time. I am having this mental battle though! As much as I know that my body needs relief, I just can't pull myself to take the pills. I just can't do it! So I still have my 12 tramadol left, if it gets to the point that I give in to the pain then so be it. I just can't imagine it's going to get any worse than it already is and I would honestly say it is about a 9 out of 10.

    On to my clean time. Today is or would have been 34 days. I am not sure if I am going to count what they gave me at the hospital because they really didn't give me a choice and said it was absolutely necessary! Either way, I have had no side effects so far from the iv Meds they gave on Monday. Not sure what to say about that but I certainly am not counting it against me.

    I have learned how strong I have become through this process. To stop the medic in the ambulance and ask if it is 100% needed as I lay there in what I would say is the worst pain I have ever felt, and again at the hospital with the ER Doctor. I could have just said dose me up and let them sedate me to the point I felt nothing but I didn't. It is clear as day how far I have come and I love it. I could have started popping those pills as soon as I left the hospital but I didn't! All this in 34 days, WOW! You know what, I am proud of myself! Very proud! *pats self on back, but it's hurt too bad to do that so its in my head.

    I know I haven't been much help to others on here the last few days but sometimes we need to focus on ourselves and now is that time for me for this recovery and the recovery of my injuries.

    Back to see my primary doctor tomorrow!


    Thanks for listening!

    RJ

  23. #83
    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    You work on you - we'll all be fine.

    Of course it's totally your call if you want to take the trams, and if you do, I see no shame in it. Your injuries are among some of the roughest around, and your mindset is so strong, that I somehow think it would be a short-term solution. Like, one and done.

    Then again, if you're going to see your PCP tomorrow, maybe they can put you on some other meds that aren't narcs.

    I told my DH about you last night, RJ. He also felt horribly for your injury, and was equally impressed with your mental toughness.

    And, I would keep ticking at Day 34. They forced the meds on you, and I know how pushy they can be about pain meds in the ER. Not on you in the least. You were being a good patient.

  24. #84
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    RJ,

    I vote you keep those days ticking. Like I said, this had nothing to do with taking advantage of a minor injury and taking what they'd give you. You were diligent and careful. It is what it is. During my recovery from my recent surgery, I took 2 (1 at two different times) of a 5mg perc. I do not consider this a relapse. I'm still over 6 years clean and that's the end of that. If someone wants to disagree with me, I've got broad shoulders.

    You are one tough cookie. You do what's right for you. LIfe took the words right off of my screen. Talk to your doctor. He might have suggestions for you. Making informed decisions is what it's all about my friend.

    Peace,

    Cat

  25. #85
    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Catrina View Post
    RJ,

    During my recovery from my recent surgery, I took 2 (1 at two different times) of a 5mg perc. I do not consider this a relapse. I'm still over 6 years clean and that's the end of that.
    I don't consider that a relapse, either, Nor has RJ relapsed, IMO.

    But, how did you do that, Cat? I think many of us fear being where you were, where RJ is, and both of you seem to be navigating it so beautifully. Did you feel you have a totally different relationship with pain meds now? It certainly sounds like that's where RJ is, too. Gosh, I SO hope I get there one day. It's enviable!

  26. #86
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    It has been quite a while since my last post, well longest I have went thus far since getting on the boards. I have been dealing with this pain from the broken ribs and lung issue and have been feeling pretty bad. Cat and Life, I went to the doctor and they gave me a injection of steroids and also another injection of the Toradol and a script for 5 days of that. Felt pretty good after the injection for a day or two and then the pain came back but not nearly as bad as it was earlier this week.

    THE GOOD NEWS, I have taken zero opiate pain medication through this process minus the IV drugs that were given to me by the ER doctors at the hospital. Hard to believe how far I have come in just under 40 days! Don't get me wrong, yesterday I found myself wanting an opiate really bad when the pain returned and I found myself thinking about it a lot. More so than any other time during this process. However, I fought though the mental game and did not cave.

    Really hoping that the pain starts to subside this week but I know that is a pipe dream considering I just injured myself last Monday. Either way I will continue on the straight and narrow path to being opiate free no matter how hard that process may be with this injury.

    I hope this find everyone well and winning the good fight!

    Turn the Page, Walk Away!

    RJ
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    Reeray,

    How are you doing?

    RJ

  28. #88
    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    WOW! I cannot believe you're powering through. I would have caved to the pain last week, but, I'm a pain weenie.

    But, for your journey, I think this is OUTSTANDING. I am in awe of your strength of body and mind, RJ!!!

    I had lumbar epidurals, and they worked so well. Can you go back for more injections, RJ? Or, was this a one and done?

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    So my friends it has been a little while since my last post, I have been in creeper mode for whatever reason just floating around the boards, posting here and there but just pretty much soaking it all in! So where does this put me, well let's see, 53 days clean of the opiates and in the process had these broken ribs and a collapsed lung! Hard to believe I made it through that without an opiate script! Generally speaking I feel pretty good, but there is certainly and lost step in my pep and motivation specifically after a long day of work I just feel beat and unmotivated. Just kind of down but that comes and goes and the good times are much better than the bad times. Not being tied to the pills is a great feeling. I do catch my brain trying to justify using just one but I know that's not going to work out. Still clean, still strong, and winning this battle and ending the cycle!

    Turn the page, walk away!

    RJ
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  30. #90
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Proud of you RJ. You've come so far. I know that feeling of just not being up to posting sometimes. I know, I know...me not wanting to talk. A rare occasion that is for sure.

    Your story is so important. I wish everyone would read your journey before they decide to trek to a methadone clinic or begin subs. I have no beef with subs. They work if done correctly. I'm just a strong advocate to exhaust every other option first just like you did and looky looky at you. Congratulations!

    Peace,

    Cat

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