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Ready to end this battle
  1. #1
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    Default Ready to end this battle

    This is my first post ever..... I'll try to keep this short, not sure how successful I will be. So where do I start? Let me preface as I had dabbled in the prescription pills from time to time no serious use or addiction prior to this. I guess my story begins in June 2012, in the best shape of my life just about to turn 30 and old sports injury reared its ugly head from herniated discs in my back. Docs initial solution, lets start with the oxycodone 10/325 4x daily. My symptoms progressively worsened. I began to lose all muscle function from my knee down with tremendous nerve pain, drop foot and on my 30th birthday I got the news from my doctor that I required surgery. I was switched to 10mg oxycodone hcl and taking 6x per day. Surgery day 8/10/12, after surgery I was put on Valium 5mg, 10mg oxycodone hcl 8x a day and flexril 10 mg. This continued for a week or so then I was bumped to 15 mg oxycodone hcl progressing to about 150-180 mgs. That continued for about 1 month or so and I was a complete asshole to my wife and kids, I was like a zombie walking. I realized it was bad when I went to the Red box and dropped a movie off and went into the store, came back out and picked up the same movie I dropped off. I called the Doctor the next day and said I NEED OFF this stuff! They set up a wean plan for me and with my wife's help with the dosing each day, I was able to get off of everything in about 6 weeks. The first week was the worst as I went from about 180 mg to 75mg because i cheated my first week. After that it seemed pretty smooth sailing except for the end with the up and down emotions.

    In between that time and my current situation, I had done a pill here or there for recreational use. Never more then a day here or there not stringing together usage.

    SOOOOO.... In November 2014, my disc reherniated, and bam, the pain is back and so is the oxy! Gradually progressed to 60mg per day by March. Then started realizing my pills were running out early as I was taking more that 60 mg and was finding ways to fill the gap. I had three epidurals in that time period. I'd say I was doing around 80-100 mgs per day up(sometimes less when running low) until early October when my doctor called(he is 3 hours away) with the news that they were going stop prescribing me the medicine and refer me to a pain management doctor. Contacted the 3 pain doctors in my area only to be told we don't see patients already prescribed medication. DOOR SHUT, I called the doctor, their answer, just wean off with what you have left. I tried, didn't work! Then I found a source with 30s and 10s and was blowing through money. Doing as much as 200+ in one day. Finally got my wife involved again with my wean but I found myself taking some of what I bought and holding it aside to "taper" at my pace. What a fool. I would do so great and get down to 20 mg and then re-up and bam right back to 90-120 mg only to start over again. Well about 2 weeks ago i picked up again and said I will do it right, cut them in quarters and wean off.....the drug defeats me again.

    Through all of this, I have maintained a great career, coached my kids teams, not neglected my family so I feel like I was functioning, but that function has been altered and so have my families finances. I have never stolen for the habit. I was seeing it a physical dependence. It wasn't, I am addicted.

    Last Friday as I lay on my couch, about 120 mgs deep in an oxy haze, I said to myself enough is enough. I just started a new job with a promotion two weeks ago. I have been using my families money for my gain. I have been lying to myself and it needs to end. I started looking up Suboxone and doctors in my area. I emailed a doctor that night. I drove 3 hours one way on Wednesday night to meet my new Doctor. Just as many of the post I have read illustrated, my doctor said he wants me to start on 16mg. I said whoa, NO way, he agreed to 8, 12 if I need it. I have done tremendous research on this topic over the past few months and plan on sticking to ole ROBERTS plan. I will not be taking 8 mg. I will be inducing at the lowest possible dosage as directed in the Robert_325 plan.I have weaned my oxy use from Sunday-today from 120-90-75-60- 30 today with my last dose being 10 mgs at 5:00 p.m. I am off tomorrow and will be letting the withdrawal kick in as I can already tell my body and brain are missing their normal doses. I plan on doing the COWS worksheet and know from prior experience, it does not take me very long for the Withdrawal to kick my butt. I need at least a 26 on that to get started and i will make sure I am there when I take my first .5 mg sliver, which I hope is at 5:00 p.m.

    I am ready for this, this is my plan and I will stick to it. CT is not an option for me. This 6-8 week sub plan from robert seem good to me and that's what I am doing. This battle had got to end, for me and my family. I am tired of this cycle. Going to attend an NA meeting this week. Its my turn to get out of this hole. Thank you for your comments and support. I need it now more than ever!

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    Anyone? Did I do something wrong?

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    I don't think so lol. I'm really bad at posting stuff in here though. Your story is like me in a mirror. It's crazy because I have no self control when it comes to opiates. I was oxy /norco for a really time - almost lost house when dr cut me off and had to get off street ( or go to jail). Sounds like you have a good plan lined out. I was on subox for 9 years. Couldn't taper because again I have no control. But was only taking between 2-4mg a day. Im on day 9 c/t and I feel better but I expected to feel way better. It sounds like you have a little experience with that too. But being mentally ready and know what to expect goes so far in helping. You can do it. This is probably my 6th time. Longest I have gone but first time I realized I have not been the best wife and mother. That's why we have to do this. I really will be following your progress let me know how your doing - it helps (oddly) to know your not the only one going thru this. I'm right here with ya!!!
    Last edited by Anonymous; 02-05-2016 at 08:48 AM.

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    Hello Texas,

    So I am about 16 hours from my last dose 10 mg (2 5/325) total 30mg yesterday which very minimal compared to my consumption over the past week prior. I slept well last night, was expecting worse based on the way I was feeling between doses yesterday. Right now I actually do not feel that bad at all, had some stomach issues this a.m. I know is coming just waiting for it. I certainly do not want to go into PWD's by taking the suboxone too early so Ill ride this thing out. The 24 hour mark is 5 o'clock. My plan of having an easy day was blown away when I woke up to a phone call at 5:45 a.m. from the schools letting me know the snow has cancelled the day. Just me and the little ones for the day while Dad rides this out. Mom had to work so she is gone. Wish she could have stayed....but that is just selfish. Thanks for the reply. If anyone can offer me some advice I would certainly appreciate it.

  5. #5
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    If you can get it down to 30mgs why even bother with the sub?

  6. #6
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    Okc,

    I can't take off work, I just started a new job two weeks ago(cant afford time off). CT and this job do not go hand in hand. I could feel the symptoms increase with each drop. I'm committed to the smallest about of Sub needed to balance and then I plan on following the 4 day .25 decrease. Hoping to balance on 2mg or less, like I said this is my plan, I have made a decision and I intend to follow through. Please elaborate

  7. #7
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tired_of_the_cycle View Post
    Hello Texas,

    So I am about 16 hours from my last dose 10 mg (2 5/325) total 30mg yesterday which very minimal compared to my consumption over the past week prior. I slept well last night, was expecting worse based on the way I was feeling between doses yesterday. Right now I actually do not feel that bad at all, had some stomach issues this a.m. I know is coming just waiting for it. I certainly do not want to go into PWD's by taking the suboxone too early so Ill ride this thing out. The 24 hour mark is 5 o'clock. My plan of having an easy day was blown away when I woke up to a phone call at 5:45 a.m. from the schools letting me know the snow has cancelled the day. Just me and the little ones for the day while Dad rides this out. Mom had to work so she is gone. Wish she could have stayed....but that is just selfish. Thanks for the reply. If anyone can offer me some advice I would certainly appreciate it.

    Welcome to the forum. Sorry replies have been scarce as it gets slow around here sometimes. The weekends are notoriously slow so be prepared for that in advance.

    Your plan sounds good and you have done your research regarding how we suggest using sub here. I used Robert's plan myself and got off as painless as possible. One thing I want to suggest is to make absolutely certain you don't get in a rush and take the sub too soon. Did that myself, TWICE and went into precipitated wd's. Never been so cick in my life. Using the Cows and scoring honestly will insure a safe and smooth induction.

    Another thing is to NOT take any kind of "comfort" meds or supplements while waiting to induct. Taking things like tylenol, motrin, imodium, etc could very well delay your Cows score. Anything that would make you feel better is not advised. You only have to do this once if you do it right.

    And as you said, begin your induction with small doses until stable. Wait at least 60 minutes between doses giving the sub plenty of time to work. It works quickly for some but slower for others. Taking small doses insures you're on the lowest effective dose and not some outrageous amount like a sub doctor might place you on. Once you're stabilized remain there around 5-7 days to be sure you're feeling ok then you can begin the taper process.

    I'm sure others will be around soon so hang in there. This section you posted in receives fewer responses than the "Suboxone Forum" or the "Need to Talk" section. You may want to copy and paste this entire thread there.

    I'll check back with you later.

    Randy

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    Your not selfish your human. Trust me I'm a stay at home mom 2 yr old and 9. You will be ok I promise. Put a movie in for kiddos if you can and hang in there. Just know you will fill better 3 mins after you take it. Start at as small dose wait 15 mins if you still feel like it take another then. I started at 8mg - but that was given to me by by dr in his office so I thought he knows what I should take no he was idiot. I was good on 4mg

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    Randy,

    Should I copy the entire thread and paste it?

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    I have no idea I have the hardest time figuring my way around in here lol. Let me know how you do when you take your suboxone - you sound like a really great dad and husband and you got this just stay strong. I also will keep u with your post as you taper to see how you do.

  11. #11
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    Thanks Tex,

    I also posted this in the suboxone forum, really not feeling as bad as I expected right now want to make sure i am full blown before I start this stuff! Thanks for your support!

    Randy,

    I am taking no other drugs at this point and don't plan on taking any until my suboxone. I do have GERD so I did take my previcid this morning that is all. Just want to make sure I full blown WD before I take this sub. I am 100% sure I dont want the precipitated W/D.

    Thanks again,

    RJ
    Randy35 and Tears in Texas like this.

  12. #12
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    At 43 hours since my last oxy, still don't think I'm at the 26 score, considering not doing the suboxone and hitting this thing CT. Have some clonidine but haven't taken it also have a few benzos(Valium). Never really messed with except after my surgery and had no issues. I haven't taken anything yet as I was planning on the suboxone induction but at this point almost 44 hours in I am having trouble making this decision as I feel I could ride this thing out. I have to be back to work Tuesday AM which would put me on schedule for a day 5 return to life. I feel like I'm letting my son down by not possibly being able to coach his team tomorrow but that's why we have assistant coaches and I need to focus on this recovery and being a better father, coach and husband. Randy said the weekends were slow, but it's real quiet. Going to a NA meeting tonight at 8.

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    You are doing amazing. From my own experience with Suboxone if you can do it without it I would not take them. I wish I would have just stopped but Suboxone was pretty new and detox wasn't really understood. Suboxone takes so much longer. I'm on day 11 and I still feel horrible. From prior attempts and others stories it takes about 15-20 days to just feel human. And about 30 days to get to where you feel like you can see the light at the end of the tunnel . When I detoxed off oxy first several attempts I felt like worst part was over usually between day 5-6. Still didn't feel great but could function normally. For some people it's easier but not me. Hang in there if you can you got this if you keep your positive attitude and family as motivation. You are not letting you son down you are giving him his daddy back and your wife her husband. Back Missing one game - he will never remember that but he will remember he had a great dad. Again, just my experience but 2 days off oxy is a pretty big accomplishment.

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    TnT,

    That's my new name for you! Thanks for the kind words of encouragement! May sound cliche but if I can do this you can do this etc. You're so right about giving the kids their dad and my wife her husband back! I'm looking forward to this meeting tonight! Things are picking up a bit for me, feels like my hearts beating out of my chest. I hope I can get a little bit of sleep again tonight.

    RJ

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    I know the heart beating crazy and crazy restless leg are the worst. So glad you are hanging in there. I know you got this - After living this crazy life of addiction for so long it's kinda great to have something to be proud of at the end of the day. Proud of you!!

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    That is absolutely right, we have something to be proud of, YOU have something to be proud of. You have dug deep and are laying some straight TNT on the beast! 11 days off after 9 years on that is a tremendous feat! That is simply amazing! How has your sleep been? The crazy thing about the Oxys and me was that when I took them late, I would just lay in bed having trouble falling asleep and when I would fall asleep, it was a weird sleep with weird dreams and I never woke up feeling refreshed. Towards the end, I was using eye drops every morning because my eyes were blood shot. Hell Monday morning of this week I was have trouble reading things more than 100 yards away and I have pilots vision. I'm glad I caught this thing before it got so bad that I couldn't catch it and began losing the people in my life. People talk about being brief with friends and family when on Opiotes, running around constantly doing things avoiding long conversations. As I look at these last few months it becomes apperent to me that this WAS ME!!!! I had friends over and I was constantly running into the garage to work on my sons 4wheeler at like random times at 10;00 at night. Just strange how I am realizing these things after reading forums. Sorry to ramble just crazy stuff going through my head right now. Hope your well I'll be up for a while I'm sure of that. So if you need a sounding board don't be afraid to shoot me a message!

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    Lack of sleep is my biggest issue right now too. If I can fall asleep it's very brief. In made the mistake of taking Tylenol pm a couple days ago and oh did it my restless leg 10 times worse My bed is becoming a torture chamber lol. It's so weird to be able to look back and see the chaos my life was in and I really was oblivious at the time. Like you said random craziness. outside of my husband I never told a single person about my addiction. People would be shocked - so there is not one person I could talk to that really knew what I was going thru. It's nice to be able to talk with someone who does. it seems like talking with other people has helped more than anything

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    Hello TnT,

    My night was okay last night, I got about 6.5 hours of sleep with a combination of sleepy time tea, melatonin (15mg) and 1 Unisom liquid gel, knocked me down that's for sure. How was yours? So I sucked it up today and drove my son the 40 minutes to his game and coached the team because you know what, that is my JOB first. This medication, even though I am just over 2 hours away from hitting day #4 OPIATE FREE will not control me whether in withdrawals or not! It wasn't that bad. Other then the sweating, sneezing, yawning, goose skin it was good to get out and do something. The drive there seemed so bright and the SMELLS. Loving every minute of this choice no matter how I feel! Hope you're well!

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    morgan57 is offline New Member
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    Good for you! People need to realize if they do not need pain meds for pain anymore they need to get off them.I have weaned myself off several times after taking for 6 months post Op. Better (and cheaper) than being chained to a pharmacy!

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    So happy for you!! I slept more last night than I have since this started. Amazing what sleep can do for your soul. Out of all the years and attempts to get off this I finally feel like this can end for me. Not sure why this time is different but for some reason I just know. I'm so glad you decided not to do Suboxone. Like I have said it just prolongs the suffering. it's funny how I'm so excited over 11 days clean. Some people look at that and think 11 days is nothing - to me the hardest yet most satisfying days of my life. Your family is lucky you caught this when you did and that you love them enough to end this you should be super proud of yourself I know how hard this is.
    Tired_of_the_cycle likes this.

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    I will start with this, I truly had intentions of using the SUBS but through the inspiration I found here with so many successful CT detox examples about 48 hours into my withdrawal I decided that I was not going to use the Suboxone. So here is a little update on my situation as I turn the corner from Day #4. In about 20 minutes I will be 4 days clean and on day #5.

    Sleep has been pretty tough, mainly falling asleep. It took me well over 2-3 hours to fall asleep last night with the help of Unisom, Melatonin, and Sleepytime Extra Tea with a Epsom Salts Lavender bath. Sleep has been my biggest issue so far and my emotional state has been all over the place. Laughing hard a small stuff, getting chills when I hear songs, crying for no reason. But overall, I AM DOING FINE!!!!

    I called both my sisters this morning to discuss my predicament that I have put myself in. They both know of my opiate use for my back and that I was somewhat struggling with it but had no idea it had gotten to the point that it did. It really felt good to share with my loved ones my struggle. It was reassuring to have them both back me and show their support. Funny thing is we were all up at my sisters before Christmas and she had a bottle roxis from one of her surgeries that she had not taken. I saw it and thought hmmmm, I could use them. Well she was with me when I saw them. I at one point even opened her cabinet and looked at them but realized, I could not take them from her. I asked her about that night and she told me that after I left she actually checked to see if I did take them because she could tell I wanted them. THIS IS WHAT WE DON'T REALIZE WHEN WERE ON THIS >>>>! They both said they noticed a change in me that I have been distant over the past few months, hard to engage and in my own world! It was everything I needed to hear and I am glad they were honest with me. Reassurance that this needed to happen because I know it did!

    So the gist of it is, I am now 10 minutes from day # 4 in the books. I am glad I did not use the Suboxone. I am stronger now because of the choice I made. Let's all hope and pray I can get some sleep tonight and bring on Day #5!

    If you are out there right now questioning whether or not now is time to stop, the answer is YES, NOW IS THE TIME TO STOP! Do it for you and those you love before it is to late!

    RJ
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    Congrats!! I can't imagine how hard it must be to know you can take subs to make you feel better if you need and NOT take them. That really says something amazing about you and how bad you want this. I am so happy that you made the decision to fight this horrible battle of addiction head on and full force. You are going to inspire so many people. I know you have helped me already. I can't wait until this is over for you and your family - heck your almost there now.
    Tired_of_the_cycle likes this.

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    TNT,

    How you doing? Thanks for such kind words. I'm going to returning the suboxone to the pharmacy tomorrow and they can do what they will with it. I don't need it, its just a temptation at this point. The road to recovery is a tough on but well worth the fight. Did you sleep last night? Mine was rough. I ordered calm support and it came today so I took my first pill today, Ill see if it helps with the mental aspect of thing tonight and moving forward. Hope this finds you well.

    RJ

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    Good for you!! You have totally kicked this beast in the face lol. I did sleep a little better last night finally. I'm feeling the same, my physical w/d are better but the mental part is tricky. It comes and goes. The good thing is that it gets better everyday. I know I still have a ways to go but I have made my mind up that i want my life back and I want to be done with this crazy thing of addiction that has hijacked my life for the past 15 years. Saying that out loud sounds crazy. I know one thing for sure - I never want to go thru this again I think I will try an NA meeting. Never have gone before but talking to people that have gone thru same things seems helps. So happy you decided to do this at same time I did - you are doing so great and your doing it the hard way. You really have helped me too. Words of encouragement go along way and your determination to do this for family made me realize I needed to do the same thing. So on top of you success at the end of the day you really helped someone else. Sounds crazy from someone I never met but you did and I really thank you. Even when you are down the road and this chaos is so far behind you I hope you keep me posted on your journey

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    TNT,

    TNT,

    My supporter out here, thanks for checking in on me! Here a little update, I am currently on day 6 as day 5 ended today at 5 p.m.!!!! Let me say this, I feel good!!! Worked a 9.5 hour day today came home had a good dinner with the family and went to play some volleyball tonight and I played the best I have in a LONG TIME! I was focused, clear headed and it felt good to put my all into it. Most of the physical symptoms have subsided with the exception of the MASSIVE sweating from my armpits!!! I was sweating through a t-shirt and pull over shirt today. If that's all I am dealing with at this point I can handle it. My brain is still a but foggy as I caught myself missing things at work and I also caught myself thinking about doing pills today. It was kind of surreal it was like I was like when do I need to take my pill today and actually had a dream last night about it too. I don't have a desire to take the pills though. Guess my brain is playing tricks on me. All and all I am on the up and up! It can be done and being on here really helps!

    How you doing TNT, hanging in there?

    RJ

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    Tnt,

    Tell me you are strong, tell me you're still hanging in there with me!

    RJ

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    TNT - WHERE ARE YOU AT!!!????, I hope you are still strong and with me, you can do this, you have come so far. I hope that you have turned the corner and are feeling SO GREAT that you didn't feel the need to get on here yesterday or today. I sure sure hope sooo!

    Just a little update here for you and any others out there. So I am on DAY #7 and at 5 p.m. tomorrow I will be 1 WEEK CLEAN of this junk. I certainly did not think I would be able to say that considering the path I was going to take with the suboxone which could have extended this process, I am very glad I decided to tackle this BEAST CT.

    Today was a busy day at work and as expected I had some ups and downs in my emotions and the Sweating from my armpits it out of CONTROL! It is very annoying and doesn't seem to be letting up any time soon. Those pills were affecting my sweat glands and they are working overtime right now. Also still getting a good bit of yawns and sneezes. When I sneeze it sends and chill through my body which feels pretty good to be honest!

    When I got home from picking the kids up today I headed straight for the Treadmill even though I didn't want to. Hammered down a 40 minute workout and a good stretch. Feeling very tired right now and hoping to get some sleep. That has been very troubling, my lack of good sleep. I am very tired and fall asleep but woke up 3 different times last night in stretches of about 1.5 - 2 hours of sleep. But that is the way this works, my body and brain are resetting themselves.

    I stayed away from the clonidine and one valium I have so far. If sleep continues to be a problem and I feel like I need to get one solid nights sleep, I may take half of the valium to see if that can get me one good night to energize myself. So far I have been taking melatonin, and sleepy time EXTRA tea at night and on Sunday and Monday I also took a unisom liquid gel. May try that tonight again tonight. Long baths in Epsom Salt with lavender before bed really relaxes me.

    On Monday I also started a all natural supplement called Calm Support. I take it twice a day and it seems to keep me pretty even keel for the most part but isn't really helping much with the sleep. I have been eating super healthy, lots of green shakes(spinach,kale,half banana, half granny smith apple and kiwi) Protein shakes, salads with chicken and light dressing. I have remained active with sports and exercise.

    The BOTTOM LINE here is that I made the decision to stop, heading into the third day(Saturday night) I hit my first NA meeting, just to listen, and reflect. I will be returning. Its nice to FEEL again, even if it means I am crying, or pissed off or UBER happy or sad, its great to FEEL again! Make the choice for YOU first, then back it up with how it will affect your family and friends. They deserve the real YOU back and so do YOU!

    It is time to bring THE HAMMER DOWN ON THIS BEAST! It is TIME TO END THE CYCLE! Empower yourself, it is truly a special time!

    RJ

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    TNT, I hope you are still with me, your silence is deafening....if that is even possible. Please come back and give me some good news as I have more for you.

    I AM ONE WEEK FREE OF those gosh darn pills. That was out of my normal speaking terms to appease the rules. Still sweating like crazy from my armpits, anyone have any idea when I can expect that to end? Anyone out there have any experience in that department? Staying active(exercise and sports) has helped me so much through all of this process thus far and super clean eating. Even got a solid 6 hours of sleep last night with my melatonin, unisom and Extra sleepy time tea, certainly hoping for that again tonight as I have a 12 hour work day tomorrow. If you're reading this and questioning whether or not you can do this, the answer is yes. Go ahead give it a try and END THE CYCLE.

    RJ

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    Still here!!! I have actually been living life again lol. 16 days in and starting to feel like a human again. Took boys to park went out with hubby. So weird how I thought pills were making me better but looking back I was so sick. Still having issues with sleep but never really slept good anyway. Restless legs is gone thank goodness that was worst. I am so glad you did it. And especially the hard way are you getting back to normal - how was going back to work. So glad you went thru craziness with me it helped so much. I want to keep updated with you even when your back to normal life

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    I feel so bad I was on here 20 times a day when stuck in my house. You are coming thru worst part and doing great. You have the right mind set and I know for sure you got this pretty soon the sweating and sleep get better. I hope anyway sleep still eludes me. I will keep posting on here as long as you do. I'm past the worst part (or please god I hope lol) I think you are too!! Please keep me posted. I will be checking in everyday promise ☺️

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