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  1. #31
    fedupgirl32 is offline Junior Member
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    Krysmith, I couldn't imagine having to go out and be in public while feeling so empty, i guess is how I describe it. The pills filled me up with this false sense of energy and will, it's really messed up when I think about it. I to find myself not wanting to do things like cleaning the house because everydaay when I would get my pills I'd clean the house, do my chores, go shopping, or to work etc etc. Work will be the bigggest challenge probably but at least I can stay busy enough there to not really focus on not havin them. but who knows, I didn't rally aspect the mental aspect to be this bad. l was so worried about the physical stuff, the runny nose, the diarhea, hot n cold flashes (which I've been having but am living with) and the goose bump prickly feeling in my arms is really gotta go. But other than that and the lack of energy, it's totally mental.

    But again, the lack of energy I'm thinking is more mental too. Cuz I associated everything I did with the drug almost so now I have to learn to love to do things without the drug. Talk about tricky! I can't even begin to imagine how difficult that is going to be. I gotta say my bf is being really good to me. Thank god. I don't think I'd be this strong if he was on my case. He keeps telling me he's so proud of me and that I'm even more beautiful now, so that makes me feel really determined. I don't want to let him down nor do I want to let my son down or myself! I just want to not feel this emptiness everyday. I caught myself earlier thinking well if I just take one a day or something then it'd be fine. But I had to quickly stop and ya that is how all this started. They are evil and I don't need that negativity in my life.

    I used to be a big drinker when I was in my early 20's. Then I stopped and realized one day that I had drank everyday for over a year! I was like omg!! How crazy is that! I was a stay at home mom at that time and I would get my household stuff done and take care of my toddler everyday and then after he went to bed Id drink normally a 12 pk by myself.

    It just made me feel good, like I had accomplished stuff all day long and then I felt I needed that alcohol in order to sleep and be ready for the next day.

    Well shortly after my grand realization that I was turning into an everyday alcoholic, I decided to go back to work. I got a job and stopped drinking just like that. I didn't have any withdrawals or anything, so I was grateful for that.

    Then it was about 3 years later that I started the drug habit so then I found something else to fill the void inside myself. But at the beginning I didn't use it everyday, just every other day or so and it was just one or 2 norco a day. Nothing terrible, but then I started school again cuz I got sick of my job, and shortly after that is when my grandma got sick.

    She had end stage renal failure and was getting to wear she couldnt' move around without falling and assistance. Her doctor finally told her she was going to have to go into a nursing home, if she didn't have more help around the house. Well luckily I lived right next door to her and my dad lived with her. So him and I decided that we would be the round the clock care she needed in order not to have to go into a nursing home. They put her on hospice, so they would come and visit once a week. Well she had like an unlimited supply of norco. Her doctor prescribed her 2 every 6 hours, so she was getting 240 a month. Well when hospice took over she started getting them weekly and they would count them when they were there just to see if they had to call in refils or not. Anyways long story short, she had like 2 great big bottles that she gave me that she had from months prior. Well I still only took a couple a day but then it got harder as the months went on to take care of her as she got worse and worse. So I would take more and more. Sadly she passed away about 6 months after she got put on hospice. Then my life felt even emptier, I spent 6 months of my life non stop caring for my grandma almost and sleeping at her house on the couch and making sure she had everything she needed so she didn't have to die in a nursing home, and then just like that, It was just me again. No job, being a mom didn't even feel right, because I had learned to be a mom and juggle everything everyday and then there was just this void and this sadness because I missed her, and because I didn't have her to take care of anymore. I started using oxy not to long after that. But ya it's just not something I ever thought I would have a problem with.

    I'm sure my grandma would be so ashamed of me. I just want to be done with this. The next couple days are just gonna drag ass so bad I already know it. My boyfriend goes back to work tomorrow and I'm gonna be here all by myself. I'm dreading it.

    Anyways, I feel like there's a good cry coming on, so I'm gonna go. Take care everyone. xo

  2. #32
    grandma -bk is offline Member
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    fedup..I know how you feel...ive been nursing my 92 yr old mother for 13 yrs now...never missing a day...there are 9 of us and no body but me will do it..im just so worn out...im 3 months clean and still never missed a day of going to moms house....I also would think...how am I gonna do this without my lil helper pills...but you know what I did..and every day got a little better...I still do every thing I always did ..but now I have the freedom of not being tied to the pill bottle...im not 100 % but I'm getting there...I had almost a 20 yr addiction...I don't think we were ment to be that happy as we are on them pills doing housework...lol....ok ..have a good sober day..bless all.,
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  3. #33
    fedupgirl32 is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by grandma -bk View Post
    fedup..I know how you feel...ive been nursing my 92 yr old mother for 13 yrs now...never missing a day...there are 9 of us and no body but me will do it..im just so worn out...im 3 months clean and still never missed a day of going to moms house....I also would think...how am I gonna do this without my lil helper pills...but you know what I did..and every day got a little better...I still do every thing I always did ..but now I have the freedom of not being tied to the pill bottle...im not 100 % but I'm getting there...I had almost a 20 yr addiction...I don't think we were ment to be that happy as we are on them pills doing housework...lol....ok ..have a good sober day..bless all.,
    Thanks for the reply Grandma. It gives me a little boost of mental encouragement. If you can stop and still be a caregiver for 3 months after a 20 year addiction than I should be able to do this backwards and blindfolded! and you're definitely right about the house cleaning part, that made me chuckle!

    I have realized that my smoking habit has quickly subsided since I have stopped using. I was over half a pack a day and I would only start smoking in the day after I used. So now I'm not even craving a cigarette. I'm craving the other but not cigarettes so at least I got that going for me. I think I have had maybe 4 halves a cigarette since Friday. I start smoking one thinking it will help me feel better and it just makes me feel like I'm missing something so I put it out.

    Anyways, gonna download some music to my phone and maybe fold a few loads of laundry. I was even thinking about using my exercise bike. I took the l-tyrosine this morning with the b6 and really didn't notice any differnce. But I only took 2000 mgs and I think the thomas recipe said 4000mgs? I'll have to look it up again to be sure. I was pretty tired and out of it this morning when I took it all from the horrible night of sleep I had.

    I have 2 xanax that I found from several years ago, I don't even kknow if they would work or not. But I was figuring if it gets bad like that tonight then maybe I can take one of those on top of the valerian root. Cuz i took melatonin lastnight and night time aleve and opted not to try the valerian root. But maybe I'll mix it up a little tonight just to see if theres a difference. Okay. Take care everyone. Have a blessed day. xo
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  4. #34
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by fedupgirl32 View Post
    Krysmith, I couldn't imagine having to go out and be in public while feeling so empty, i guess is how I describe it. The pills filled me up with this false sense of energy and will, it's really messed up when I think about it. I to find myself not wanting to do things like cleaning the house because everydaay when I would get my pills I'd clean the house, do my chores, go shopping, or to work etc etc. Work will be the bigggest challenge probably but at least I can stay busy enough there to not really focus on not havin them. but who knows, I didn't rally aspect the mental aspect to be this bad. l was so worried about the physical stuff, the runny nose, the diarhea, hot n cold flashes (which I've been having but am living with) and the goose bump prickly feeling in my arms is really gotta go. But other than that and the lack of energy, it's totally mental.

    But again, the lack of energy I'm thinking is more mental too. Cuz I associated everything I did with the drug almost so now I have to learn to love to do things without the drug. Talk about tricky! I can't even begin to imagine how difficult that is going to be. I gotta say my bf is being really good to me. Thank god. I don't think I'd be this strong if he was on my case. He keeps telling me he's so proud of me and that I'm even more beautiful now, so that makes me feel really determined. I don't want to let him down nor do I want to let my son down or myself! I just want to not feel this emptiness everyday. I caught myself earlier thinking well if I just take one a day or something then it'd be fine. But I had to quickly stop and ya that is how all this started. They are evil and I don't need that negativity in my life.

    I used to be a big drinker when I was in my early 20's. Then I stopped and realized one day that I had drank everyday for over a year! I was like omg!! How crazy is that! I was a stay at home mom at that time and I would get my household stuff done and take care of my toddler everyday and then after he went to bed Id drink normally a 12 pk by myself.

    It just made me feel good, like I had accomplished stuff all day long and then I felt I needed that alcohol in order to sleep and be ready for the next day.

    Well shortly after my grand realization that I was turning into an everyday alcoholic, I decided to go back to work. I got a job and stopped drinking just like that. I didn't have any withdrawals or anything, so I was grateful for that.

    Then it was about 3 years later that I started the drug habit so then I found something else to fill the void inside myself. But at the beginning I didn't use it everyday, just every other day or so and it was just one or 2 norco a day. Nothing terrible, but then I started school again cuz I got sick of my job, and shortly after that is when my grandma got sick.

    She had end stage renal failure and was getting to wear she couldnt' move around without falling and assistance. Her doctor finally told her she was going to have to go into a nursing home, if she didn't have more help around the house. Well luckily I lived right next door to her and my dad lived with her. So him and I decided that we would be the round the clock care she needed in order not to have to go into a nursing home. They put her on hospice, so they would come and visit once a week. Well she had like an unlimited supply of norco. Her doctor prescribed her 2 every 6 hours, so she was getting 240 a month. Well when hospice took over she started getting them weekly and they would count them when they were there just to see if they had to call in refils or not. Anyways long story short, she had like 2 great big bottles that she gave me that she had from months prior. Well I still only took a couple a day but then it got harder as the months went on to take care of her as she got worse and worse. So I would take more and more. Sadly she passed away about 6 months after she got put on hospice. Then my life felt even emptier, I spent 6 months of my life non stop caring for my grandma almost and sleeping at her house on the couch and making sure she had everything she needed so she didn't have to die in a nursing home, and then just like that, It was just me again. No job, being a mom didn't even feel right, because I had learned to be a mom and juggle everything everyday and then there was just this void and this sadness because I missed her, and because I didn't have her to take care of anymore. I started using oxy not to long after that. But ya it's just not something I ever thought I would have a problem with.

    I'm sure my grandma would be so ashamed of me. I just want to be done with this. The next couple days are just gonna drag ass so bad I already know it. My boyfriend goes back to work tomorrow and I'm gonna be here all by myself. I'm dreading it.

    Anyways, I feel like there's a good cry coming on, so I'm gonna go. Take care everyone. xo
    I appreciated reading your story. You're a good soul. I think that a good cry is cathartic. I really do. I have my stand-by movies that I can count on to get me there when I have that damn lump in my throat. I go into my room, put one of those movies in and ball my eyes out. Then I blow my nose and oddly enough, I feel a release. Funny you mentioned that as yesterday was one of those days for me. So, I spent the afternoon watching "The Notebook". Cried a river then did the laundry.

    Hang in there. Not too far away from getting some relief. You really are doing great. Tomorrow when you find yourself alone, try to stay busy. Use the Forum as your time out if it gets stressful. That empty void you talk about is one of those things that we all have to work on. We can find fulfillment in some of the strangest ways but for me, that was the key. To have an emotional feel good moment. It could things as simple as coloring with my granddaughter and being silly or baking a cake to send to my daughter's house just because. I found things to make me feel like I'm a good person to help replace all the guilt and yes, that emptiness.

    You're going to make it. I feel it coming. Keep posting. I, for one, look for your daily updates. You have others too who post to you and trust me, there are many more that are reading your story but haven't posted to you. You are inspiring someone out there who is struggling and just might be the reason someone begins their own recovery work. We never know what we say that will resonate with someone and help them. I think it's pretty brave to put your story out there and I'm glad that you did. It's a way of purging and for me it sometimes almost becomes automatic writing. I'd begin to type and things would pour out of me that I didn't even realize were there in the front of my mind. Acknowledging our struggles is the first step to working through them.

    Peace,

    Cat
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  5. #35
    fedupgirl32 is offline Junior Member
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    Thanks Cat. I would love to know that my story helped someone else, like reading all the ones here have helped me! It's inspiring beyond belief. I even reached out to one of my cousins earlier on FB. He had a big problem with narcotics and he ended up in jail for over a year and he detoxed in jail. Had his kids taken away and everything. Finally he got out, maintained his job and got his kids back. It's like a true life story of hope and inspiration right at my finger tips. So I told him everything and just asked him if it ever gets easier. Do the urges go away. And he was honest and said that he still gets the urges sometimes. Especially when life is stressful but he said he just finds things to do to keep him busy. Like working overtime or working on household stuff. He said he loved me and was proud of me and knows how strong of a person I am and he said he knows I can do it! So it helped a lot. He mentoined a shot that people can get to help take away the cravings but then I'd have to reach out and find out where I can go to get it. So I guess I always have that knowledge for future reference if I need it.

    I haven't managed to get off my butt yet. But I'm slowly working up to it. My butt is getting sore from sitting up in bed. lol so that should be motivation enough to get up!

    Take care all. xo
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  6. #36
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by fedupgirl32 View Post
    Thanks Cat. I would love to know that my story helped someone else, like reading all the ones here have helped me! It's inspiring beyond belief. I even reached out to one of my cousins earlier on FB. He had a big problem with narcotics and he ended up in jail for over a year and he detoxed in jail. Had his kids taken away and everything. Finally he got out, maintained his job and got his kids back. It's like a true life story of hope and inspiration right at my finger tips. So I told him everything and just asked him if it ever gets easier. Do the urges go away. And he was honest and said that he still gets the urges sometimes. Especially when life is stressful but he said he just finds things to do to keep him busy. Like working overtime or working on household stuff. He said he loved me and was proud of me and knows how strong of a person I am and he said he knows I can do it! So it helped a lot. He mentoined a shot that people can get to help take away the cravings but then I'd have to reach out and find out where I can go to get it. So I guess I always have that knowledge for future reference if I need it.

    I haven't managed to get off my butt yet. But I'm slowly working up to it. My butt is getting sore from sitting up in bed. lol so that should be motivation enough to get up!

    Take care all. xo
    How awesome is that that you have confided in your cousin who knows the ropes. That's a monster step in the right direction. We're not too good at letting our weaknesses out (or what we might interpret as a weakness). You must have felt so much relief. Good for you.

    That shot you're talking about is called Vivitrol. Alcohol and narcotics effect the same brain receptors and this medication was developed to block the effects of alcohol but they soon discovered that it is just as effective to block narcotics. It's NOT the same thing that they prescribe that will make you sick as a dog if you drink (I think that's called Anti-abuse). It is non-addictive and can be given at an outpatient clinic as a shot that lasts for 30 days. There is also a pill form that needs to be taken daily. Especially early on, trusting ourselves to dose daily can be a challenge. At least in my state, health insurance will cover the medication only if the diagnosis is alcoholism. So stupid but that's the way it is. So knowing that in advance, that's all they need to hear and they can document that so that insurance will cover it. Google "Vivitrol" and the browser should allow you to put your zip code in and a distance from home for the facilities that will prescribe it. At least around here, it's easy to find a place. Know in advance, though that (again here) they require the first visit to be for assessment and for a UA. Then they schedule a follow-up at least a week later when they'll do another UA to be certain that the patient is clean and has been clean for at least 7-10 days. With a clean UA, they'll give you the shot and schedule your next appointment for the following month.

    Peace,

    Cat
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  7. #37
    fedupgirl32 is offline Junior Member
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    So to give a small update. I absolutely forced myself to get up and exercise on the elliptical/bike thing I have. I was gonna do 30 minutes and I was like ahh...that might be pushing it so I did 20. Took a shower. My legs feel like jello but its a good feeling. My goal was too push myself to the point where tonight my muscles r so sore, in my arms and legs that they can't even think about twitching or messing with me like they did lastnight. lol probably just wishful thinking I''m sure. I dunno if the lyrica I have been taking has been helping with the bad physical withdrawals or what. I read some where that lyrica can be addicting to so I havent taken none today other than what I took in the wee morning hours lastnight when I was fighting with my arms.

    So anyways, other than that, have just been following the Thomas recipe. I have no idea how much potassium I'm supposed to take. what i bought says potassium gluconate 550mg. It says just take one a day but on the back of the bottle it says it's just 3% of the daily value. So I've been taking 2.

    My stomach is kind of not feeling so great right now after working out and stuff. But I have zofran I can take and immodium, gas, pepto, so I should be able to combat it if it gets too bad. Anyways, has any0one had experience with the valerian root for sleeping? Could i take that and the melatonin at the same time maybe? Just curious.

    Take care everyone. xo
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  8. #38
    DravenDomnq is offline Advanced Member
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    Hey fedupgirl, finally caught up with your story, and wow are you doing great!! Especially with some of the temptations that you have so close to you, and having the strength to not give in. GOOD on you!! I've been taking 4,000mg of the L-Tyrosine, and took a while, but I think it's making a difference. Also, for me, Valerian root by itself never really did anything, but I've also had to deal with insomnia for most of my life because of another condition I deal with. Have found very little, including prescription sleeping meds, than have helped me. I've known a lot of people that have had success with Valerian though, so do know it can help a lot of people.

    Sleepy Time Tea, or especially Dream Water has helped me with sleep more than anything. It does have Valerian in it I believe, but also a bunch of other natural stuff that I've found works, at least for me. The Dream Water is a bit hard to find around here, only place I can find it is Walgreens, but does seem to help on really bad nights (kinda pricey, at least for me, so don't use it often). Great that you were able to work out a bit as well, doing anything active always seems to help me as well. Just keep at it, because you're doing so well!! Have a great night, and be well!!
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  9. #39
    fedupgirl32 is offline Junior Member
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    Ugh, so sleeping was an absolute night mare. I have never ever tossed and turned so much in my life. The sucky part was I took several things to help me fall asleep and about 2 hours into it my dog started barking and after that it was constantly uncomfortable and miserable. Finally around 4 am I got up and took one of the xanax I found the other day and that really didn't do much, made be groggy while I tossed and turned but that was about it.

    Gonna take the l-tyrosine again here in a few minutes and see what happens. My goal is to work out again this morning and again tonight. My stomach is in knots right now. Doesn't feel great at all and I know if I had my morning drugs I'd feel so much better. That's the hard part, feeling so icky and knowing that in an instant I could feel better. But alas, it's just a temporary lie. Tricks you into thinking u feel good when actually it's making you feel worse later.

    Hope everyone has a great day. Draven thanks for the advice. I'm definitely gonna check into getting some of that tea cuz this no sleeping >>>> is for the birds, not for me! lol
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  10. #40
    Krysmith78 is offline Junior Member
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    Fedupgirl, you are doing awesome! I am so proud of you and love having a withdrawal buddy. Sorry I didn't post to you last night. I had a rough afternoon/night. You describe the feeling perfect when you call it "empty". I am right there with you. Nothing is enjoyable. I feel like I am just existing. My family invited me to a movie with them today and I guess I will go but I am kind of thinking "what is the point without my meds to make it enjoyable?" That is so wrong! And so sad! But it is where I am at.

    Sometimes I think being home here and being bored is dangerous for me because it gives me so much time to think. But it is overwhelming to do things out of the house too. I feel like I have the flu, body aches, headache, jittery arms and legs and I can't control my body temperature. I fluctuate between being too cold and too hot. And I went to town with my family last night and thought I had everything under control with the immodium, but all of the sudden I had to make an emergency run to the bathroom and barely made it. Then I just started to cry because I did this to myself. I have this awesome family and I don't even enjoy doing things with them right now because I don't remember how to enjoy things without taking pills.

    Im sorry you are having trouble sleeping. I am too. I can't sleep at night, then I want to just lay around all day with no motivation. Ok, anyway, I will check in with you later, I am going to force myself to go to this movie. I have to keep busy. weekdays are hard for me to be here alone because if I think too much I will remember that I only need to make a phone call to my doctor.
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  11. #41
    fedupgirl32 is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Krysmith78 View Post
    Fedupgirl, you are doing awesome! I am so proud of you and love having a withdrawal buddy. Sorry I didn't post to you last night. I had a rough afternoon/night. You describe the feeling perfect when you call it "empty". I am right there with you. Nothing is enjoyable. I feel like I am just existing. My family invited me to a movie with them today and I guess I will go but I am kind of thinking "what is the point without my meds to make it enjoyable?" That is so wrong! And so sad! But it is where I am at.

    Sometimes I think being home here and being bored is dangerous for me because it gives me so much time to think. But it is overwhelming to do things out of the house too. I feel like I have the flu, body aches, headache, jittery arms and legs and I can't control my body temperature. I fluctuate between being too cold and too hot. And I went to town with my family last night and thought I had everything under control with the immodium, but all of the sudden I had to make an emergency run to the bathroom and barely made it. Then I just started to cry because I did this to myself. I have this awesome family and I don't even enjoy doing things with them right now because I don't remember how to enjoy things without taking pills.

    Im sorry you are having trouble sleeping. I am too. I can't sleep at night, then I want to just lay around all day with no motivation. Ok, anyway, I will check in with you later, I am going to force myself to go to this movie. I have to keep busy. weekdays are hard for me to be here alone because if I think too much I will remember that I only need to make a phone call to my doctor.
    It's good to hear an update krysmith! Sorry your day's and nights are still so rough. I keep praying mine will get easier, but it's so hard to be hopeful at this stage! I took the l-tyrosine when I got up this morning on an empty stomach with the b-6 and had a small burst of energy. Got up curled my hair, made myself look human again! lol so that felt good for a little bit. Went to the store now I'm back home, just wasting time it feels like. My energy is back to being gone. I wanted to work out but didn't do it yet. I had to delete sum numbers in my phone cuz the urge to reach out to someone was too strong. I know where I can get norco and I began thinking well switch from oxy and morphine back to norco but that was just the negative thoughts talking.

    Anyways, hopefully you make it through the movie okay. I'm sure every little step you take to do things will eventually make the entire process easier easier. eventually if you do it enough times without the drugs, then it'll be like you never needed them to do it in the first place! Again just my wishful thinking! I'm determined to get a good nights sleep again, I dont want to start drinking again cuz I had a pretty nasty habit with that back in my early 20's. But it's tempting when I feel so tired and then sleep doesn't exist! My fridge is still got beer in it from new year's bought a 12 pk and ended up falling asleep around 1030 cuz I had been high all day at work. Ugh

    Update when you can. Hearing everyday you make it ahead of me gives me hope to get to my next day too!

    Hope everyone has a good day. xo
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  12. #42
    fedupgirl32 is offline Junior Member
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    I'm so envious of everyone that has made it weeks, months and years being sober! I am 3 days in and feel like I could cave at any second. Just a little bit I keep thinking. And the worst part is that the physical part is not that bad! My head is just messing with me big time! I dunno if it's just because I used for so long and in spurts during the day just to have a "happy" day. So it's like nothing feels right without the pills. Im' sure beyond a reasonable doubt that, that is completely normal. But its still so incredibly frustrating!

    I deleted numbers out of my phone earlier and I caught myself reciting the one number by heart so not that deleting it did a lot of good. then my family friend who was my oxy supplier keeps calling to check in just say hi and that is hard. I hate to be rude to people, I'm not that kind of person. But its literally like mental tortue to talk to him. And I dont' know how to explain that to him without seeming like an ungrateful b^(ch.

    we used to talk five, six times a day. I would see him at least once or twice a day and its sad that the urge to see him is still there but only because I know he has what my body/brain wants!

    He mentioned before that he had a young girlfriend (mind you me and him were never like that, it's always been father/daughter type friendship. I helped him a lot when I first met him cause he had inoperable cancer. Luckily he's in remission now) Anyways, he said he knew this young girl and she was a bad addict and eventually she sought out treatment and told him that she couldn't see him or talk to him anymore and I'm not even joking he was crying when he told me that story. So I could tell that losing that relationship on those terms really upset him. So I'm trying my hardest to be a trooper and to hang in there. Even though it makes me want to just curl up and die some times. Feeling like this is going to last forever and why would I want to feel this emptiness forever. I hope and pray it doesn't last long. Everyday I mark off saying that I'm one more day there. But it's gotten progressively worse today. I'm scrambling thinking of people, and I shouldnt be doing that. I'm back to the mindset of how am i gonna get it? I need it, I want it.

    That goes away right?!?!

    Okay, time to do something else before I go crazy. God bless everyone. xo

  13. #43
    fedupgirl32 is offline Junior Member
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    Also, is it normal to almost hold resentment to the people who supplied our drugs?? Like I know my case is different than those of you who got your scripts legitimately. but to me it's almost like if ppl know how addictive these things are, how can they feed you them and then turn around and say that they are helping you and it's not about the money?!?

    I dunno I guess I'm just clearly frustrated in general. and I keep thinking about how he keeps calling me and asking me how I'm doing and it's like well i'm not doing good, so why do you call me three times a day?? and if I do'nt answer then he's messaging me asking me to call him. UHj I don't understand. My boyfriend says I sould just cut off all contact with him. He said that my relationship with him was never a healthy one because he was my supplier and we both used each other to get what we wanted him money me pills.

    But I do care for him as a person or I would have never helped him in the beginning when he had cancer. So yes I'm not gonna turn around and say that it's a healhty relationship by any means but I guess I'm just contemplating what is right to do here. In a way I want to scream at him and say, you have seen how what you're doing has almost destroyed a couple young girls lives but yet you claim you care about me like a daughter and you have been feeding me these for over a year. And then claiming at the sametime that if I didn't get them from him I would get them from someone else. so it's almost like that was his guilt remover. SAying that! Okay, now I really really gotta find something else to do, to get my head some where else. Just had to ramble/rant for a few. God bless xo

  14. #44
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Hi There,

    Good to see you hanging on. I know it's hard right now but a couple more days will have you feeling much better. A couple of things I can share with you that I hope will help. The alcohol probably won't help you sleep. I've never had problems with booze and in fact, have never really drank at all. Probably absolutely zero except for more recent years when I might have a half of a glass of wine once or twice a year. I did try a drink while I was detoxing hoping that it would put me to sleep. It made me sleepy all right but it did NOT help me sleep. The result was that it just made it worse. I'd rather be tired and wide awake than tired, sleepy and wide awake. It doesn't work.

    Your friend. I totally understand. These relationships are really confusing but remember that they are a symbiotic relationship in the end and in this case, it's unhealthy. it's just hard right now to see that. Your boyfriend is correct. He is/was the source of what you needed (pills) and you are/were the source of what he needed (money). No doubt there's more to your relationship but that could be based on the past instead of the right now. For just the sake of an exercise, forget the past and make a list of the reasons you want to be his friend. Is there anything negative on that list? I know it might sound selfish, but your list should include the benefits to you of being his friend. And be honest.

    My "guy" I've know for years, since he was a kid and he's a good man but he's also an addict. I didn't have any other source once my script ran out and I resented the h*ll outta it. He is still an active addict and I still care about what happens to him but I can't let that be my problem. It took time to stop feeling guilty about it but we have no relationship anymore. It's not good and it's not bad...it's just not. If I run into him, I say hi and ask how he's doing and then I keep walking. Try to separate yourself from this guy at least for the time being. Just do you. Once you get some balance back, you'll be better equipped to sort things out and decide how important he is to you and why. You care about him and compassion is never a bad thing. For now, just do you.

    Peace,

    Cat
    fedupgirl32 and DravenDomnq like this.

  15. #45
    grandma -bk is offline Member
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    ya...in the beginning the first week went soooo slowww..especially when you only sleep an hr or two and you cant keep your mind on any thing but how bad you feel..the first days felt like weeks....im at 3 months clean after almost 20 yr daily habit...im 57 yrs old.. and I'm better but not 100 %...but its sooo much better...cause if you really think about it life on the pills weren't that great the last fews years any ways...you got to really want the sobriety ...I have no urge to use whats so ever...im so worn out by this young girls game it aint funny.....don't wait 20 yrs like I did and have to go thru this hell as an old lady, cause I promise you in 20 yrs its gonna be 10x worse......god bless you ..stay strong...

  16. #46
    Krysmith78 is offline Junior Member
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    First of all, Fedupgirl, you are doing great! All this miserableness that we have to go through will be worth it. We know we have to trudge through it to free ourselves of the prison that the pills kept us in. It is hard to feel like it is worth it though when we feel so awful and we know the pills would make us feel so good. My head is playing games with me too but I am determined to push those thoughts away and finish strong this time.

    I wanted to say this before but I wasn't sure how it would be received. I agree with the above. You need to dump this "Friend". You are playing into his game by feeling guilt. He is NOT a father figure to you if he is your supplier. I can't remember if you said he was an addict too or not but if he is he knows exactly what he is doing to you by continuing to supply you. Now that I know how hard it is to get off of these pills I could never help someone I know get or stay addicted to them. I would do anything to help someone I cared about stay completely away from this nightmare. This is NOT a healthy relationship. The young addict that got away from him knew this. I am not going to say that it is impossible to keep a friendship with him and stay clean but I imagine it will make it very difficult. This is someone who knows you want to get off of them but has already offered to supply you with more if you want them. Not good. And your boyfriend is close to the situation and says you should end that relationship. He is probably right.

    Anyway, enough about that. Im sorry to hear you are so tired during the day and then can't sleep at night. I am right there with you. I have heard exercise helps a lot but I just have not been able to force myself to do it. I just feel too miserable.

    If I were you I would stay away from the alcohol. You could just end up trading one issue for another. I don't really know anything about that, if that can even happen. But I do feel like those of us who have been addicted to something whether it started out recreationally, or for medical reasons or whatever, now have a hole for awhile that we feel needs to be filled. I would hate to see you fill that with drinking. I don't drink myself. Not because I am judgy about it or anything, I have just never enjoyed it. I always just felt sick to my stomach more than anything else when I drank.

    So glad everytime I log in and see that you are still going strong. One day we will be the ones who can say that we are months or years past this. For today we just need to push forward.
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  17. #47
    fedupgirl32 is offline Junior Member
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    Another night of no sleep. I was beginning to think since i'm handling the physical symptoms pretty good maybe I could just take half of what I was taking at night just to sleep and then the next week take half and then none and just see if that helps cuz I'm gonna go crazy without sleep. I can already feel it starting to affect me mentally and emotionally.

    I know I probably sound like a baby, and I'm trying not to be, but me and sleep go so good together. Ugh.I never really tried to taper with my boyfriend controlling them. I just always got them and then took them and then got them took them, wash, rinse, repeat. But I mentoined it to him this morning and he just got upset, said he knew I couldn't do it. But I watch him sleeping like a baby, and i just sit and cry, because I can't sleep. I told him not to get upset I didn't say I wasn't going to stick with it. Just really hard not to think about using when you know that just a little bit would make you sleep like a baby.

    I gotta say the natural supplements help with the other physical symptoms, I just wish I could find something to help with sleep before I end up wanting to cave. Ive been taking melatonin, valerian root, night time aleve. I'm not entirely sure but it kinda felt like my liver was hurting yesterday upper right side of my stomach and upper left side. I was thinking maybe I should lay off some of the herbs. Maybe it's just too much for my body to process cuz the last 4 days I've just been downing handfuls of stuff and not really thinking about it. I guess just cuz it's natural doesn't mean it's entirely "safe". Okay well the l-tyrosine luckily gives me a good boost in the mornings despite how dreadful I feel from no sleep. So gonna go try and be productive for a couple hours before I turn into a hot mess for the rest of the day. Hope everyong has a great morning. xo

  18. #48
    grandma -bk is offline Member
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    taking only half will never work...its a slippery slope and b4 you know it your back to where you were...try the extra stong chamomile tea....2/3 bagger....first week I only slept 2 hrs..made the days dragggggg...but it gets better in 2nd week....no caffeine, no matter how much your dragging...no napping in day unless you wanna be up all nite...I spent my time online reading others stories...I guess misery loves company....positive thoughts...if you tell your self your gonna be a hot mess all afternoon you will produce that....our minds are so powerful...we are what we think....I too took a lot of supplements so much so if any of them worked I couldn't tell you which one was responsiable...then I just stopped all except the multi vitamin and the chamomile tea...good luck dear ..you can do this....if you want it bad enough..
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  19. #49
    DravenDomnq is offline Advanced Member
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    Hey fedupgirl, I know the sleeping part makes everything else so hard, but it does get better. Was a while for me to start being able to sleep too, but once I did, even on nights that I didn't get a lot of sleep, was much better sleep than I ever got on the pills. I know it can be so frustrating when you're going through the worst of it, but like grandma-bk said, if you really want this then you've got it!! Just have to hang on and take it day by day, even second by second sometimes.

    Trust me, I know about resentment as well. I went through a lot of that when I got off the alcohol and junk years ago (even though I did get to a point I knew I only had myself to blame), and am still going through that with the doctors now. I had to make the decision to taper off the meds, and I had to make the decision to make the jump off of them. Many of the doctors wanted to keep me on higher amounts and none of the doctors wanted me to go cold turkey. I still get regular calls from them I don't answer offering me other ways of dealing with things, and I really wonder how much of that is because they just want my insurance money they got when I was on all of their junk. I wanted to be off of all that, so have just really stuck with it.

    You can do this, you're doing so well, and just have to stick with it. Trying to taper never worked for me, would get stabilized a bit on a lower dose then be right back up to higher amounts. You're already a ways into it, just have to hang on a bit longer and things will start getting better for you!!
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  20. #50
    Krysmith78 is offline Junior Member
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    Fedup, you are NOT being a baby. This stuff is hard. Lack of sleep is hard. But you are so far into it now! Don't go backwards by thinking you will taper now. It just won't work.

    Good news for you. I slept last night from 1am to 5am and then from 6am to 8am. That is a HUGE amount of sleep compared to before. And I woke up feeling noticeably better. You are just a day or two behind me so I bet things will start getting easier for you very soon! Just hang in there!
    Elcey and DravenDomnq like this.

  21. #51
    Krysmith78 is offline Junior Member
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    Hope to see an update from you soon fedup! Been thinking about you today. Hope it gives you some strength to know that I had a good day today. It was so much better! You are so close to feeling better. I know there will still be bad days ahead for both of us but it is going to be so worth it!
    DravenDomnq likes this.

  22. #52
    Krysmith78 is offline Junior Member
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    Worried about you Fedup. Post either way. We are here to support you no matter what.

  23. #53
    Kicking74 is offline Junior Member
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    Fedup & Kry I just wanted to let you both know I've been following your post & wish I were as strong as you to kick it CT, I'm taking the suboxone route.

    I've tried to CT before & would get 2 days into it & scramble around to get more pills. I could not do it. It's just so darn hard. The worst thing for me would be the RLS & then the emotional breakdown. So, my hats off to you both. Keep it up.

    Fedup, I haven't seen you post in a few. I hope you're hanging in there.

    Krysmith, how are you feeling??

  24. #54
    Krysmith78 is offline Junior Member
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    Kicking, thanks for asking. I'm doing much better but once in awhile I have these really low mood swings and just feel so hopeless. I am also dealing with the emotional stuff that goes along with not being able to enjoy anything. I am helping plan my daughters wedding and I adore my future son in law and am thrilled because they want to start a family right away. This should be one of the happiest times of my life but I just keep thinking "whats the point, I can't have my pills so I can't feel enjoyment from any of it." Then I feel like that must make me about the worst person in the world and I sink back down into this dark hole again. I just want to be able to laugh and enjoy things again without pills. . I have done some research and have read that it just takes time for our brains to learn how to feel that way again without the boost from the pills. I also have unresolved chronic pain that I now need to learn to deal with without pills, so lots of emotional stuff going on.

    As for the physical, I think I am over the worst of it. I have some fatigue but I do because of my illness anyway so that might not be related to the Withdrawal.

    You are doing great. It doesn't matter what route we take to get clean. As long as we get that way and stay that way. I wish I could tell you that at 9 days I feel all better. But I do feel MUCH better. We just have to trudge through this. Keep posting! I will check in with you from time to time and see how you are doing!

    I wish we would hear from Fedup, I am worried about her.
    Elcey likes this.

  25. #55
    Kicking74 is offline Junior Member
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    Kry, I am having all those same feelings. I sit here & wonder if I will be able to enjoy my kids or any family activity without my pills, & it doesn't seem possible. I know it is though!

    It's very hard. We spent a lot of time in our addiction, so I know it's not going to change over night. It does take awhile for our brain to return to "normal." I just wish we could speed it up.

    Ugh. I just keep thinking about all the times I've lost with my family while in my addiction & its just not worth it. Hang in there.

    We can do this!!
    Krysmith78 likes this.

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