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Ready to take the plunge!
  1. #1
    fedupgirl32 is offline Junior Member
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    Default Ready to take the plunge!

    hi everyone! This is my first post. Probably 100th time visiting the forums and reading everyone's stories.
    The last few days I have spent gathering helpful tips and ideas to at least make the next week hopefully some what bearable! After Saturday I'm going cold turkey from about a 180mg a day oxy habit and pretty much any other opiate I can get my hands on in a bind. My story isn't much different than most. Some details change but no one starts off taking these things with the intention to send their life into a total tail spin! I work tomorrow and then have 6 days off. So I intend to make my last dose tomorrow evening and then done from there! For good, for ever! I have had to experience withdrawals before and always pushed through them knowing that in (x) amount of time I would have some more and I would be fine. But this time I'm done done. No excuses, no BS just ready to get my life back. I feel so disgusted with myself that I let this happen but no more, I am in control of me and I got myself into this mess I am determined to get myself out. For a long time I kept telling myself I could taper but I can't. I always take them, and tell myself, well next time. and then I told myself that due to my high blood pressure I shouldnt detox at home I should go into a facility and then I told myself that I didnt have the time right now to go into a place and etc etc etc. But I'm just gonna make sure I have my bp meds on hand and all the other stuff I have gathered the last few days and I'm just gonna do it and pray that it works out okay. I'd rather be sick for a few days and then push on and hopefully soon look back on all of this as a distant memory. It's reached a point now where I don't even have access to enough to feel a "high" I have to just take a maintenance dose to feel "normal" and last weekend I sat and was like wow, this is something now that is so expensive and so ridiculous and I don't even get to enjoy it, it's just necessary to feel some what normal. If you can call it normal even, I don't know! Anyways...

    I've read the famous Thomas Recipe, and today I got the L-Tyrosine and some Valerian root because I don't have access to any benzos not that I feel confident that I would want to take them even if I did. I'm gonna get sum B-6 and a multi vitamin tomorrow at work. I got tylenol, ibuprofen, night time aleve, melatonin, imodium and ben gay. I'm gonna get some epsom salt and have that on hand to use in the tub. I stocked up on soups and broths, bottled water, movies, coloring book (i know, I'm not 6 but hey I'll try it) and bananas . I'm sure I am still gonna be miserable but I figure if I plan ahead enough and prepare for the worst than maybe I'll get lucky and find something that helps a little even.

    Im lucky in the sense that I have the time and the resources to do the worst part in some what peace and then hopefully be over the worst before work next weekend. I figured I would join the forum and reach out, guess it can't hurt to get advice and support. I'm sure I'm gonna need it in a few days.

    I had a question regarding wellbutrin and the L-tyrosine and valerian root. Because I am pretty confident that I could tell my doctor I'm gonna quit smoking and he would write me a script for wellbutrin because he offered to do it before. So any ideas if that would be beneficial or not? Can they be taken together? Would one be better over the other? Okay, guess I'll sign off for now. Hope everyone is having a blessed day and good luck to all who are going through the addiction struggle.

  2. #2
    Krysmith78 is offline Junior Member
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    Hi there! First, congrats on taking your life back! I can't answer any of your questions as I am new to this myself but thought I would let you know I am going to be right there with you! I took my last dose last night. I tried in early December but I failed. The physical symptoms I was prepared for but the dark, intense depression caught me off guard. I couldn't see myself that way on Christmas when I would need to be with friends and family. So I caved a few days before Christmas. Anyway, I am back at it now. I will be watching for you to check in and post how you are doing! Do you have any kind of support network? I am pretty much going it alone because I don't want my husband or family to know this is an issue. They know I take pain meds but they don't know it has become a problem. . I hope you have people around you to lean on.

  3. #3
    fedupgirl32 is offline Junior Member
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    Hi Krysmith. Well good luck to you!!! Hopefully you are hanging in there. I know it's tough and it's hard when you have to do it alone. My boyfriend says he will be supportive. He knows I have a problem with it, but I have not been honest about how bad it is. I plan on telling him tomorrow when I get home from work after I take the last dose just because I know then he will be upset but at least I can tell him this is why I need his 100% support the next few days. I mean he has put up with me and this problem for a few years, but in the support aspect he's not very good at being empathetic and I get it, I mean he sees it as if I can take them then I can stop taking them and it's not that simple. So my only worry right now is that he's just going to get frustrated with me come Monday or Tuesday and then make things harder on me depression/anxiety wise. He doesn't have a lot of patience so I thought about going to a friends house and doing this but my boyfriend said no do it here, I'll help you and support you. So I figured If I come clean then maybe aside from him being even more disgusted he will understand the importance of me succeeding and having all the help and resources to do that over the next week and so on. Anyways, hope to hear that you are doing well. Feel free to reply and vent if you need to. We all need help and support especially during those low spots in our life. Before I had a problem I would have never guessed how awful addiction/withdrawal is. But I look at it like this, as awful as withdrawal is, nothing is worse than the constant every single day worry about going through withdrawal and what I'm going to do at work if I don't have something or how will I manage a holiday (for example, like you mentioned) or even something simple like grocery shopping, if I don't have my meds. So It's really a viscious cycle that I want no part of anymore. I think the stress and worry alone has given me the strength to move passed all this. I just can't handle it anymore. It's so frustrating and worriesome. It's all I think about everyday. Will I have enough, will I run out, if I take enough to feel good then I'm definitely not gonna have any later so then I'm going to suffer, but then I still do it anyways and then I feel guilty and angry with myself for not having restraint. That itself is why I can't taper. I'd rather be sick all at once like I said earlier than sick off an on and still craving more and more.
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  4. #4
    grandma -bk is offline Member
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    Can i ask how long you been doing 180mg a day??

  5. #5
    fedupgirl32 is offline Junior Member
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    grandma, it's been roughly 180 for 6 months. and It's not that everyday, but ideally it would be or then some if I had my way! it varies from 120-180 most days. Some less depending on circumstances.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-05-2017 at 07:51 PM.

  6. #6
    Rachelle1stbb is offline Member
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    Hey Fedupgirl,
    It sounds like you did your research and you're stocked up on everything you may need. I do hope you get support from your boyfriend because it's so important and as you already know from past experience withdrawal can be quite the emotional roller coaster! Having someone that understands is vital. Have you every gone cold turkey from this high of a dose before? You're smart for making sure you have the proper vitamins, I did not take those precautions when I detoxed from methadone and I ended up depleting all my potassium and in the hospital, the potassium depletion stayed with me and I have muscular problems to this day, after that depletion I really started to take care of myself, began yoga, meditation, eating healthy high potassium foods and felt wonderful being sober.. I questioned why I didn't do it sooner, sadly here I am again going through a subutex taper. Long story short I relapsed 2 years later and planned on only taking subutex for a short time..yeah we see how that worked out! All I can do is take this one day at a time and know I'll get there again. I wish you luck and let us know how you're doing, and vent right back
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  7. #7
    Elcey is offline Member
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    Hi there Fedup and welcome to the Forum. There is great information and advice here. Your whole first paragraph was my life in a nutshell, only my doc was codeine (that's as strong as my g.p. would give me as I have alcoholic/addiction history). In some ways I am grateful for that cause I'm sure I would progress fairly quickly. Anyway you told my story, and I'm sure you'll see yours as you read thru other threads.

    I do not know about the Welbutrin and Ltyrosine but I'm certain someone with that knowledge will jump in to answer your question. Six days is a good # in order to feel fairly human again. At Day 12, I am finished with the physical however still suffer the mental - and of course as you mentioned, the pain is still there. There's an article people say to read (which I did). You can google opiate induced pain and see what comes up for you. That's where I'm sitting now. Still clean today.

    Also I heard about a product called Hyland's Restful Legs - it REALLY helped with my RLS which was pretty severe every night. You can get it for sure at a natural pharmacy. I tell everyone as it worked so well for me.

    Come on the forum as often as you can and read and share. We're all here for the same purpose and doing the same thing - trying to be well again. Welcome again Fedup and hope to hear more from you.
    Elcey
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  8. #8
    fedupgirl32 is offline Junior Member
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    Thank you everyone for the positive thoughts and vibes! It's much appreciated and it's so reassuring to see the "survival stories" . I was so confident the last couple days but as tomorrow nears I'm starting to get really nervous and scared. I know for the most part what to expect. I have went cold turkey before from this dose but never for a long period of time. I think the most was like 26 hours and then I had more. So I know that wasn't even the worst of it yet. But I also didn't have any of the supplements or mental preparation like I have now. I still want to do it more than ever, just can feel myself getting anxious about it. I guess just because I know that I'm not going to have anymore and that I'm going to experience it full blown for good. and I know just by how my addiction came to be where it is now, that I will more than likely struggle with the mental aspect the most. The thing I loved the most about the opiates is how they elevated my mood. I felt energetic, chatty, social. Numb to the sadness and problems that I "thought" i had back then. Now I wish I was in the spot I was in before, because then at least I could find healthier ways to manage my depression.
    But alas, this is where I am today. But I just keep telling myself this time next week, the worst physical part will be over and hopefully I will have the energy to go outside and build a snowman or work out on the new elliptical I got for Christmas. I'm looking forward to a workout routine, so at least then I can get moving and hopefully release some natural endorphins. Anyways, gonna crash and get ready for 13 hour shift tomorrow. Thanks again for the support already. God bless and goodnight all.
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  9. #9
    fedupgirl32 is offline Junior Member
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    I also might end up posting in this thread alot just because I'm thinking about how if in the next few days, weeks etc...I get the cravings really bad, maybe looking back on this will make me remember how ashamed, and awful I feel most days. I really can not wait to have my life back. So much money wasted, so much time spent putting things off because I didnt have pills. I want my life back, when I could laugh just to laugh or cry without wondering if it was pill induced or not. Most importantly I want to love myself again. I want to love a sober me, a me that fought hard and took my life back. Of all the things in life I can't control or fix or repair, this I can, I just have to stay the path and not give in. So future me, if you're reading this, don't quit and don't' give in. Remember how proud you will feel when this is over and you no longer have all these worries you have now everyday. Think of how much better your life will be when it's "YOUR LIFE AGAIN" and not the "pill's life".

    Okay, now i'm really off to bed.

  10. #10
    grandma -bk is offline Member
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    So your addiction is only 6mos?....or did you just take less amts b4 the 6 mos of 180mg?? How long you abused will determine the length and strength of your withdrawls....now i had a 16 yr daily use...im on my 3 month mark today....its been up and down even by the minute...one day is fine next day bam it all comes back...your withdrawls will be nothing like mine though...every body withdrawls are dif....but do it all over to have this freedom of notbeing tied to the pills...dont wait as long as i did......theres nothing to fear but freedom....if you really think about it life with the pills werent that great anyways...make a new life ...the pills do not define you...i thought oh ill never have joy or do things without them..well thats the devil lieing bold face to you...cause every thing i love to do i still am doing ,only now i have peace and freedom...please give it time..it,ll all come back even better....

  11. #11
    DravenDomnq is offline Advanced Member
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    Hey fedupgirl, welcome to the forums!! Today will be your day one correct? I jumped off about the exact same amount of Oxy that you are, and things got much better for me after just a short time. I was also on a much higher dose previously that I tapered down from, and had years of use and abuse before that, so hoping that your jump won't be too rough since you weren't on them for nearly as long. Like grandma-bk said, we all metabolize things differently, and all just have to go through it at our own pace.

    Just take everything one day at a time, use the supplements that you already got and post here as much as you need to. I posted a ton on my thread (still do) just to get the thoughts out of my head, and to reach out when I needed to. Think it's GREAT that you're ready to get your life back, and there are a lot of amazing people on this site that will help you through it. Hang in there today, and be well!!
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  12. #12
    fedupgirl32 is offline Junior Member
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    Thank you Grandma and Draven! The words of encouragement help so much! Tomorrow will be my day one, I have some left for this morning and then that's it. I work today and figured what I take this morning will help me through the day and then tomorrow I'll have the luxury of being home unless I go to the doc in the morning and see about Wellbutrin, which I'm still on the fence about. He's in the office from 9-12 tomorrow so I made a 10:30 appt. but I'd rather just stay home the next few days and become a hermit!

    I enjoy hearing about how you guys did it and came through on the other side! It gives me so much hope! I have been using since 2011. I would get a few norco 10's for minor aches and pains that I probably really didnt need them for, but someone was nice and said "oh hear take this it'll help you feel better"! Boy was I was in for a surprise. Then a couple months later I herniated a disc in my lower back working in a factory. So then I was prescribed them for a short amount of time.

    It was like I became a new person when I took them. I could function so much better, everything seemed so much clearer and brighter. like i said i basically started self medicating myself not necessarily for pain but for depression/anxiety. Anyways, eventually I had to take more and more norcos, now it's almost 9 10's before I even feel anything! were talking a good chunk of change, to then 8 hours later b like "okay, now what?" so I stopped and someone gave me oxy ir 30, I took half and was like wow I love it, so I could get one of those for cheaper than the other, I'm sure you all now how it works, so ya. Flash forwward, now I'm using 2-3 at a time, twice a day! If I cant get that then I find the other. and I started crushing them and snorting them. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not proud of it, but it is what it is. So really I start to feel the beginnings of withdrawals a lot throughout the night and day, because i read some where the half life is much shorter when you snort them as opposed to when u take them, but I cuoldn't even imagine how many I would need if I swallowed them opposed to the other. But,
    like I aid it's just a vicious everything cycle where I wake up and think about how I'm gonna get them and when i go to sleep I worry about how I'm going to get them. It's all I think about. I cant fricking stand it anymore ! Okay, I gotta finish getting ready for work. Hope you have all a great day! I'm gonna stay strong, stay focused and motivated. .That's my goal for today.
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  13. #13
    Krysmith78 is offline Junior Member
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    Fedupgirl, I can SO identify with everything you said. Especially thinking about it all the time, wondering if it is better to take enough to feel good, or space it out so it lasts longer but won't give me the same effect. Also, wondering if I will even be able to do basic things like grocery shopping when I run out. I am so ashamed, I have even canceled vacations with my husband because of the way my prescription refills fell, I didn't want to run out on vacation and get sick. So I have to make up some excuse why we need to postpone.

    I hope your boyfriend will be understanding and supportive. Honestly, I don't think I would know how to be supportive if I had never gone through this. Up until about a year ago I had no tolerance or patience for addiction. It is hard for people to understand unless they have been there.

    I agree with you about tapering. There is no way I can taper. If I know they are within my reach and I start feeling sick and depressed and my pain returns I won't be able to leave them alone, I have tried. Also, it just prolongs the struggle in my opinion.

    I am a couple days into this and doing ok. Last night was hard. I am keeping busy today and staying on top of my imodium. Hope you are having a great day! Check in when you can!

  14. #14
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Hi Girl and Welcome!

    I've been following your thread here but haven't made the time to post yet. I figure now would be a good time to offer you some encouragement only hours away from your Day 1. I hope that you are going into this inspired and excited. Sobriety and your self esteem is sitting there right on the other side of that line reaching out for you., Grab it! You sound like you've entered this frame of mind and it will make all the difference in the world.

    We all know every single feeling that you have had during your abuse. I doubt that there are many of us here that can say we haven't done things that make us cringe in shame. I certainly did. It truly is a miracle I never landed in jail. Someone was looking over me. Tapering? For me--ummmmmm NO! (Gobble, Gobble) It's so weird, isn't it that even if we know we are down to the bottom of our bottle and it would be so much wiser to use them sparingly so that we can function. OH NO. Not me. I'd look at them and say, "Well. If I just use these all up I'll have no choice but to begin detox and get this done." Right. I'd even tell myself as the last one went down the hatch, "Here we go!". Then it would begin to wear off and the panic would set in. What have I done???? And I'm jump right back into it until the next time.

    I too jumped off cold turkey around the same dosage as what you're taking right now during my last cold turkey seven years ago. Prior to that, I had jumped from a lot less than that and unfortunately more than that too. I even managed to get through those first 5 days of detox but it didn't take long before I'd cave to that one stinking pill. Done. I was all in all over again.

    In December of 2009 I found this Forum and I read for hours and hours and days and days. At that point, I had really resigned myself to being an active addict for the rest of my life. I didn't see myself getting out of it. I couldn't do it. I'd walk through the grocery store and look at people and wonder how many of them used pain pills. How do you manage to go through live clean and sober and seem to be happy about it? Well, I thought that wasn't me. I just can't do it and for the most part, I didn't want to. Yes I'll even admit that too, Something happened to me after I began to read stories here. I became excited that maybe there was hope. Maybe?

    I faced my last Day 1 knowing exactly how I was going to feel and I didn't care. I was excited and I wanted it. My family had long given up on me and I knew that I was going to be doing this alone and having to hide my misery in the very best way I could. Not only would I not be getting support from them, I knew there was going to be yet another round of disgusted looks letting me know that I did this to myself so don't look for sympathy. I think that was the hardest part but I was determined to win this battle. I worked two jobs and was always broke and my bills were unpaid. The self loathing--the worst of everything.

    I posted here almost non-stop. Not one liners either. Long posts. It just helped me so much. I'd be laying in bed and as my head cleared I'd think of something that seemed so brilliant to me at the moment that I had to jump up and get on here and share it. lol I'm not that smart so it was nothing that everyone else hadn't been through too. But everyone was so kind and encouraging.

    Hide the clocks and waste away the hours on this Forum. I swear of everything, the best thing for me during those first 5 days was to sit and read right here.

    Good luck! This is so exciting! You are getting your re-do. Very cool indeed.

    Peace,

    Cat

  15. #15
    fedupgirl32 is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Krysmith78 View Post
    Fedupgirl, I can SO identify with everything you said. Especially thinking about it all the time, wondering if it is better to take enough to feel good, or space it out so it lasts longer but won't give me the same effect. Also, wondering if I will even be able to do basic things like grocery shopping when I run out. I am so ashamed, I have even canceled vacations with my husband because of the way my prescription refills fell, I didn't want to run out on vacation and get sick. So I have to make up some excuse why we need to postpone.

    I hope your boyfriend will be understanding and supportive. Honestly, I don't think I would know how to be supportive if I had never gone through this. Up until about a year ago I had no tolerance or patience for addiction. It is hard for people to understand unless they have been there.

    I agree with you about tapering. There is no way I can taper. If I know they are within my reach and I start feeling sick and depressed and my pain returns I won't be able to leave them alone, I have tried. Also, it just prolongs the struggle in my opinion.

    I am a couple days into this and doing ok. Last night was hard. I am keeping busy today and staying on top of my imodium. Hope you are having a great day! Check in when you can!
    HI again Krysmith, this might seem weird but I find it comforting to know that you are still hangin in there and doing relatively okay it sounds like?? For being on day 2 are you feeling nervous at all about what tomorrow holds?? I know I am still nervous but I realized I don't have anymore refils on my blood pressure pills and haven't taken any in a few days and I can tell it's been high, and I swear that's no excuse, but now I have to go to my doctor's appointment in the morning. So I took 90 mgs around 11am and I have 15mgs of norco for in the morning. So technically I won't be startin day one until after probably 9am tomorrow. Not that it will help me feel anything remotely "high" that will be enough to take away the worse of any withdrawals I''m feeling in the morning so that my doctor doesn't look at me like I'm looney toons or so I don't have a panic attack while I"m there waiting to get my blood pressure pills.
    and I can honestly say now that I'm glad my doctor isn't loose with his prescirption pad. It pisses a lot of his patients off and has even me before that he won't write scripts for narcotics or benzos unless someone is just dying practically but it's a god send because if they were readily available I highly doubt I would be at this stage. Alot of why I'm where I am is because I have reached a point more recently where I have contemplated selling items around my house, even things of my son's like his old ps3 (even though he doesn't play with it anymore) because he got a new ps4 for christmas. but still it's not mine and I have no right selling my families things to support this selifsh, destructive, disgusting habit. I'm sick of spending every extra cent I have and not even feeling good about it or feeling good in general.

    I definitely take what I have when I have extras. I'll say oh I'll get 6 and take 3 today and tomorrow and be fine. and then what happens is I maybe save one for the next day so then I'm lyin to my supplier that I lost them or whatever so he feels sorry for me and sells me more. I'm not proud of lying, I've always been a very honest, kind, caring person and I have never been a thief and I'm glad now that I have never stoled cash or goods but I've stolen people's trust and to me that's more shameful almost. and I have a feeling that if I continued much longer 6 months from now I might be in an even worse place, and then I wouldn't be able to just go through detox and get my life back. I could be looking at jail time and the loss of my family and friends and that is just unacceptable to me.

    I must say the last 6 months has been harder because on November 30th I had surgery to removed endometriosis and a baseball sized cyst from my right ovary. That was causing me so much pain, the pills didn't help and It was taking the dr.s forever to figure out what was going on. I was in and out of the Er probably 4 times in 6 months and not becuse I was seeking drugs, because honestly I knew what i was already taking was 3 times stronger than anything the ER was gonna give me. But I just needed them to find answers to what was going on becuse I was in pain day and night most days and even with what I was taking it was still miserable. I kept wanting to take more thinking it would help but obviously it didn't. So I'm thankful that the surgery seems to have helped and in the future god forbid if it happens again, they will hopefully know what is going on and be able to take care of it right away so I only have to suffer for a short time instead of months like last time!

    Anyways, I hope you are doing okay! I'll check back in off and on tonight and see if you have updated. I know it might seem silly for me to say this, but I am proud of you and a teensy bit jealous that you are already 2 days in and I am just barely beginning! But I know hopefully this time next week I pray to god that the worst physical is over and then like I have said before I can find constructive things to do to be proactive and work on the mental aspect. I also decided not to ask my doctor about the wellbutrin. I just want to go in and get my blood pressure meds and leave and not be wrapped up in another lie about quitting smoking when in all actuality what I have as far as natural supplements might work just as well if not better. Also when I was 15 I was put on paxil and I hated it. If I wen t to school and missed my morning dose, by the time I got home from school I was suicidal and wanting to jump in front of traffic and everything. Finally after 6 months I just stopped taking it with the help of a friend. I spent a couple nights at his hosue playing board games and stuff and didnt really have any physical affects (not that I'm sure paxil would cause wd's) but I was more or less just worried about being depressed and hurting myself. But moral of the story, I don't want to be on another anti-depressant if it's not absolutely necessary.


    I'm hurting bad from being on my feet for 13 hours but I took 800mg of ibuprofen so I'm sure that will help some here in a little bit. I started realzing that the OTC meds actually help my pain more than the narcotics do anymore! How messed up is that? Okay hope to hear from you again soon. God bless and thank you so much for taking the time to respond. It means a lot more than I can express through words!
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  16. #16
    fedupgirl32 is offline Junior Member
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    Hi Cat. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I am truly looking at this forum as a god send! Thank goodness for the world wide web. If I was going into this alone, without reading the stories and everyone's kind, supportive words, I know I would be much more terrified than what I am. And in turn probably wouldn't have the courage to do it. But I really don't look at it like I have an option anymore.

    I know that I'm not this person. I am 32 years old, I didn't start using any narcotics until 2011 so I have spent the last 6ish years in this self-induced lala land, thinking I was bettering myself when in reality all I did was cause myself and my loved ones pain. But no more. I went 3/4's of my life almost without having this in my system, I can and will do it again. Like I mentioned above I took a decent size amount this morning around 11 am and I have 1 and 1/2 norco to take in the morning before my appointment with the doctor so I'm not in a full blown sweat/anxiety state when I go into to get my blood pressure refil. I was actually really upset today when I found out they werent going to call in my refil because it had been over 6 months since I had an appointment with my primary and I know I will need them more over the next week than ever! They are a beta-blocker so they actually help with anxiety sometimes too, so I'm hopin that maybe I can take an extra one or two a day and get maybe some minor relief, or maybe it's just wishful thinking, I don't really know. either way I know they will help with the blood pressure and that is the most scary part to me. It can get really high if I don't have it and I know withdrawals make it high in people with low blood pressure so ya. Anyways, It is really inspiring to hear from everyone that has succeeded with this battle. It's also reassuring to know that I'm not the only one who couldn't taper. I feel like such a glutton most of the time because I can never save what I have. I do it to myself, I take the last I have and then start the constant fretting and worrying about what I"m gong to do in the morning. and I have told more than one lie to come up with a solution and that is not something I'm proud of.

    Like you I take it as a blessing that I haven't landed myself in a situation where I have stoled something or did something illegal that I can't take back, if that makes sense.? I'm sorry to everyone in advance if I repeat myself over the next few days, but I believe whole heartedly especially after hearing from you and others bout how much posting helps, that I will definitely be turning to this forum when it gets bad. Even the last day posting and reading the responses has made me stronger.

    Now that I have shared everything with my boyfriend and all of you, it's almost like I have other's to hold me accountable and I don't like to let people down. So I don't plan on it! This time my mind is made up and Im breaking the chains. Enough is enough is enough! Hope you have a great evening. And thank you again.
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  17. #17
    DravenDomnq is offline Advanced Member
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    Tapering is so incredibly hard fedupgirl, and nothing to beat yourself up about! I tapered for years, all under doctors supervision, and was rarely successful at it. I'd stabilize on a lower dose, then something would come up and I'd blow it and run out early almost every single month. Would taper again, get stabilized then once again throw it all away. Finally got to the point of frustration that I just stopped listening to the doctors and walked away from the pills.

    It's great that you were able to share everything with you bf, and hopefully he'll continue to be supportive as you go through everything! There's no way I would be here without my gf, so know how important that support can be. Great that you're posting here as well, and as you've seen a lot of great people here ready to be with you through your journey. Keep updating and reading like Catrina said, this place can definitely help so incredibly much!! Hope you have a great night and that your doctors appointment goes well in the morning!
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  18. #18
    Ricky71 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by fedupgirl32 View Post
    hi everyone! This is my first post. Probably 100th time visiting the forums and reading everyone's stories.
    The last few days I have spent gathering helpful tips and ideas to at least make the next week hopefully some what bearable! After Saturday I'm going cold turkey from about a 180mg a day oxy habit and pretty much any other opiate I can get my hands on in a bind. My story isn't much different than most. Some details change but no one starts off taking these things with the intention to send their life into a total tail spin! I work tomorrow and then have 6 days off. So I intend to make my last dose tomorrow evening and then done from there! For good, for ever! I have had to experience withdrawals before and always pushed through them knowing that in (x) amount of time I would have some more and I would be fine. But this time I'm done done. No excuses, no BS just ready to get my life back. I feel so disgusted with myself that I let this happen but no more, I am in control of me and I got myself into this mess I am determined to get myself out. For a long time I kept telling myself I could taper but I can't. I always take them, and tell myself, well next time. and then I told myself that due to my high blood pressure I shouldnt detox at home I should go into a facility and then I told myself that I didnt have the time right now to go into a place and etc etc etc. But I'm just gonna make sure I have my bp meds on hand and all the other stuff I have gathered the last few days and I'm just gonna do it and pray that it works out okay. I'd rather be sick for a few days and then push on and hopefully soon look back on all of this as a distant memory. It's reached a point now where I don't even have access to enough to feel a "high" I have to just take a maintenance dose to feel "normal" and last weekend I sat and was like wow, this is something now that is so expensive and so ridiculous and I don't even get to enjoy it, it's just necessary to feel some what normal. If you can call it normal even, I don't know! Anyways...

    I've read the famous Thomas Recipe, and today I got the L-Tyrosine and some Valerian root because I don't have access to any benzos not that I feel confident that I would want to take them even if I did. I'm gonna get sum B-6 and a multi vitamin tomorrow at work. I got tylenol, ibuprofen, night time aleve, melatonin, imodium and ben gay. I'm gonna get some epsom salt and have that on hand to use in the tub. I stocked up on soups and broths, bottled water, movies, coloring book (i know, I'm not 6 but hey I'll try it) and bananas . I'm sure I am still gonna be miserable but I figure if I plan ahead enough and prepare for the worst than maybe I'll get lucky and find something that helps a little even.

    Im lucky in the sense that I have the time and the resources to do the worst part in some what peace and then hopefully be over the worst before work next weekend. I figured I would join the forum and reach out, guess it can't hurt to get advice and support. I'm sure I'm gonna need it in a few days.

    I had a question regarding wellbutrin and the L-tyrosine and valerian root. Because I am pretty confident that I could tell my doctor I'm gonna quit smoking and he would write me a script for wellbutrin because he offered to do it before. So any ideas if that would be beneficial or not? Can they be taken together? Would one be better over the other? Okay, guess I'll sign off for now. Hope everyone is having a blessed day and good luck to all who are going through the addiction struggle.
    Welcome to the forum. Seems like you are preparing really well and you've already got a lot of great advice and support! Drink lots of water and Gatorade, bananas/potassium supplements and Hylands restful legs for any RLS. Also avoid caffeine and alcohol.

    As far as the wellbutrin goes I would say it most likely wouldn't help with the withdrawals, as a matter of fact it could make things worse? Antidepressants can take up to 6-8 weeks to begin to work or not work at all!

    What will you do for long-term success? NA/AA meetings, drug addiction counseling, etc...?

    Keep us posted? Stay STRONG and stay POSITIVE! You can do this! Best of luck to you... God bless us all!
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  19. #19
    Krysmith78 is offline Junior Member
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    Hi again fedup, since you said you would look for me I thought I would check in before bed. Still doing ok. The physical symptoms have not been as bad as in December but I was better prepared this time. I started taking Imodium before any symptoms showed up for example. I am really stressed about tomorrow though. It was around day 3-4 last time that the depression and anxiety really started to hit hard. It was so bad last time I couldn't function. It was such a dark place. I don't want to go back there but I can't get to the other side without going through this. But I did it to myself!

    I am so thankful for this forum, some of the things that you describe are exactly my experiences. It is so nice to not feel so alone. I have also had that exact experience of suddenly doing dishonest things when I never would have considered it before. My husband had some surgery a year ago, after he wasn't in pain anymore he just stopped taking his pills and tossed them in his dresser. Because he isn't an addict he never thought about them much after that. I struggled so much knowing they were there when I would run out. One day I happened to notice that some acetaminophen my adult son was taking looked a lot like my husbands pain pills from his surgery. Then I am sure you know the rest of the story. I swapped out my husbands pills for the acetaminophen. Because he hasn't spent much time using them I figured he would never notice and I would replace them with mine in the future. But then I never wanted to spare mine to repay them. A couple months ago he had a terrible tooth abscess and they couldn't get him in until Monday. So he decided to take some of his leftover pain meds to get him through the weekend. The guilt I felt knowing they weren't going to help him at all was the worst guilt I have ever felt. He never complained about them not helping but it was too much for me. that was when I decided I needed to stop this. I risked my husbands trust over stupid pills!

    I am like you in that I have never gotten caught for using improperly. In fact I have never been in trouble with the law. I have never even got a speeding ticket. LOL I can't imagine if I don't get this under control what could happen. It scares me to think what I might do if I suddenly became desperate. I just don't know. I mean a couple years ago if you would have told me I would trick my husband like that I would have told you you were crazy so who knows!

    Anyway, good luck tomorrow at the doctor. Let me know how it goes. I am dreading tonight because I know I won't be able to sleep. I am going to marathon the Shrek movies and just not even try to sleep because the anxiety and depression is so much worse when I am just laying there in the dark unable to sleep. Let me know how it goes tomorrow!

  20. #20
    fedupgirl32 is offline Junior Member
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    Sorry all, I've been trying for an hour to reply but for some reason it's not posting my replies, not sure if it's gonna post this one or not either! I'm very much wanting to sleep but feeling anxious, not really because I feel like I am into withdrawals already but just ready to get this going. Krysmith I tried replying to you shortly after you replied but like I said it's not posting any of my responses. I wish u the best for the rest of tonight. You might have a good idea regarding trying to not fight the insomnia. Hopefully within the next 48-72 hours you will slowly be able to rest once in a while off and on. I'll reply more agian tomorrow, hopefully if it's going to let me! Good night everyone. Best wishes to you all.
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  21. #21
    fedupgirl32 is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Krysmith78 View Post
    Hi again fedup, since you said you would look for me I thought I would check in before bed. Still doing ok. The physical symptoms have not been as bad as in December but I was better prepared this time. I started taking Imodium before any symptoms showed up for example. I am really stressed about tomorrow though. It was around day 3-4 last time that the depression and anxiety really started to hit hard. It was so bad last time I couldn't function. It was such a dark place. I don't want to go back there but I can't get to the other side without going through this. But I did it to myself!

    I am so thankful for this forum, some of the things that you describe are exactly my experiences. It is so nice to not feel so alone. I have also had that exact experience of suddenly doing dishonest things when I never would have considered it before. My husband had some surgery a year ago, after he wasn't in pain anymore he just stopped taking his pills and tossed them in his dresser. Because he isn't an addict he never thought about them much after that. I struggled so much knowing they were there when I would run out. One day I happened to notice that some acetaminophen my adult son was taking looked a lot like my husbands pain pills from his surgery. Then I am sure you know the rest of the story. I swapped out my husbands pills for the acetaminophen. Because he hasn't spent much time using them I figured he would never notice and I would replace them with mine in the future. But then I never wanted to spare mine to repay them. A couple months ago he had a terrible tooth abscess and they couldn't get him in until Monday. So he decided to take some of his leftover pain meds to get him through the weekend. The guilt I felt knowing they weren't going to help him at all was the worst guilt I have ever felt. He never complained about them not helping but it was too much for me. that was when I decided I needed to stop this. I risked my husbands trust over stupid pills!

    I am like you in that I have never gotten caught for using improperly. In fact I have never been in trouble with the law. I have never even got a speeding ticket. LOL I can't imagine if I don't get this under control what could happen. It scares me to think what I might do if I suddenly became desperate. I just don't know. I mean a couple years ago if you would have told me I would trick my husband like that I would have told you you were crazy so who knows!

    Anyway, good luck tomorrow at the doctor. Let me know how it goes. I am dreading tonight because I know I won't be able to sleep. I am going to marathon the Shrek movies and just not even try to sleep because the anxiety and depression is so much worse when I am just laying there in the dark unable to sleep. Let me know how it goes tomorrow!
    Also, if it will post this repsone I just wanted to say I wish I could give you a big hug! I have been in that dark depressed state, lots of times in the past before I even had a narcotic in my body and I know it's not a funn place to be no matter the circumstances. and I know that not having a support system makes it that much more unbearable. I'm sure you wish you could tell your husband/family. There was a time where I was suicidal when I was 25 just shortly before I started abusing and I begged my boyfriend one night to help me, because I was so scared of what I was going to do. I fell to the floor and just sobbed uncontrollably because I was so scared and he told me straight faced, "well if you're going to do it, just don't do it in the house, have enough respect for your family to not leave a mess for someone to clean up". And omg! I just sat in that spot for the rest of the night on the bathroom floor and cried myself to sleep. I spent 3 hours debating how I would do it. I thought about swallowing a bunch of pills because I didn't have the courage to slit my wrists or hang myself and then I just worried that I wouldnt do it right and end up not dead but wishing more so that I was. and I just thought about my son and how little he was, and how much he loved me and I'm gonna use that same memory and thoughts of love to get me through this. I want him to respect me, trust me and want a relationship with me throughout his entire life and if I keep going the way I am, that's not gonna happen. So I'll get through this, and I have faith that you will too. Take care for now.
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  22. #22
    Ricky71 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Krysmith78 View Post
    Hi there! First, congrats on taking your life back! I can't answer any of your questions as I am new to this myself but thought I would let you know I am going to be right there with you! I took my last dose last night. I tried in early December but I failed. The physical symptoms I was prepared for but the dark, intense depression caught me off guard. I couldn't see myself that way on Christmas when I would need to be with friends and family. So I caved a few days before Christmas. Anyway, I am back at it now. I will be watching for you to check in and post how you are doing! Do you have any kind of support network? I am pretty much going it alone because I don't want my husband or family to know this is an issue. They know I take pain meds but they don't know it has become a problem. . I hope you have people around you to lean on.
    Krysmith78 - so sorry to hear that you relapsed. I remember you were a couple weeks clean back in December? As I mentioned before, the depression and/or anxiety is definitely normal during detox and the early stages of recovery! It does get better, there are some natural remedies that can help with the mental part. Update your original thread so you can get some help, advce and support! Hang in there, this is your time to beat this once and for all! God bless us all!
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  23. #23
    fedupgirl32 is offline Junior Member
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    So my appointment went fairly well. In and out. Got my refil and got it filled. Bought sum potassium supplements because i realized that the health food store where i was going to get the hylands restless leg stuf ...is closed today for some odd unknown reason. So figured I better get potassium to help on top of the 6lbs of bananas I bought lol starting to feel like I'm dragging ass big time. But i didnt sleep alot last night anyways. Had 1 and a half 10mg norco at 7 am and thats it's since around 11- noon yesterday. So I think any thing I had this morning is pretty much gone by now. But im not terrible. Later tonight will be the true test .im hanging out at my bfs work right now. He gets off at 2 but he took me to the dr. So im trying to stay busy just talking and pretending like everything is fine. Okay hope everyone is having a good day. God bless.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-07-2017 at 11:42 AM.
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  24. #24
    Ricky71 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by fedupgirl32 View Post
    So my appointment went fairly well. In and out. Got my refil and got it filled. Bought sum potassium supplements because i realized that the health food store where i was going to get the hylands restless leg stuf ...is closed today for some odd unknown reason. So figured I better get potassium to help on top of the 6lbs of bananas I bought lol starting to feel like I'm dragging ass big time. But i didnt sleep alot last night anyways. Had 1 and a half 10mg norco at 7 am and thats it's since around 11- noon yesterday. So I think any thing I had this morning is pretty much gone by now. But im not terrible. Later tonight will be the true test .im hanging out at my bfs work right now. He gets off at 2 but he took me to the dr. So im trying to stay busy just talking and pretending like everything is fine. Okay hope everyone is having a good day. God bless.
    Did I miss something? You went to the doctor this morning and got a refill, of what?

    The Hylands Restful legs that I mentioned in my post last night to you can be found at most drugstores and Wal-Mart...

    When was your last dose of Norco, do you have any left? Update when you can?

  25. #25
    fedupgirl32 is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ricky71 View Post
    Did I miss something? You went to the doctor this morning and got a refill, of what?

    The Hylands Restful legs that I mentioned in my post last night to you can be found at most drugstores and Wal-Mart...

    When was your last dose of Norco, do you have any left? Update when you can?
    I had to get a refil of my blood pressure meds, because I was owrried about how high my blood pressure would go if I didn't have it. they are tenormin or atenolol so they act as a beta blocker so also helps a little with anxiety.


    No more Norco had 15mg at 7am this morning and 90 mg of oxy at 11 am yesterday and that its. I gotta say i was fine most of the day. around 2 I started getting the creepy crawly feeling. The goosebumps, constantly cold, at least the hot flashes havent started yet. I did take a lyrica when I got home. Someone I konw gave me them a long time ago and said if i ever had a hard time sleeping to take one, so I took one earlier and slept like four hours. feeling not too bad right now, still really cold feeling, not sure if it's wd's related or maybe I caught a bug, who knows? Feels like it has before but I always got the hot sweats too.

    Anyways, while I'm feeling okay and hungry Im gonna go eat. I've been feeling my stomach start the rumblings, but I can handle that when it happens. I hear my family watching family feud in the living room so Im actually really excited to go watch it with them. Thanks everyone who takes the time to read this. I'm really hoping that the next few days fly by. I'm still determined, and I didn't know bout the hyland's being in other stores, I read some where that you have to get it at a health store so I just assumed darnitt. Maybe I can get somoene to pick me up sum if it get's too bad. God Bless Everyone.
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  26. #26
    Krysmith78 is offline Junior Member
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    You're doing great fedupgirl! I don't think you are sick, I think those are all signs of WD. Mine is going different this time than last, so I don't think we always experience the exact same things in the same order.

    I'm glad you have something to help you sleep. I hate not sleeping because it gives me too much time to lay there and think about things! I should have stuck with my plan to watch movies all night last night. My husband wanted me to go to bed at the same time as him and then because I felt a little sleepy I let myself fall asleep. But I woke up around 2am and was never able to go back to sleep. I woke up covered in sweat and feeling way too hot. I was nauseous and headachy and I could tell I had just had a terrible nightmare but I couldn't remember what it was about. Then my heart started racing and I felt panicky so I got up and wandered around the house like a crazy person.

    I am glad you are having a good healthy meal because you may not feel like eating for awhile, as you probably know. I picked at my food today but wasn't able to eat much. Anxiety has been creeping in and I find myself pacing anxiously around the house. I feel worried about something non-existent and I cried a lot today. My husband probably just thinks it is near my monthly time. LOL

    I will be anxious to hear how your first full day goes tomorrow. I am glad you have some time off of work. Keep busy and keep your mind distracted. One of the suggestions that helped me the most from reading the boards was to find things that make you laugh or hang out with people who make you laugh. Or exercise or do any of those types of things that get happy endorphins going. Even smiling when we don't feel like it can help a little. Our brains have forgotten how to feel happy without the medication but they will remember. It just takes a little time.

    Can't wait to hear how you are doing tomorrow!

  27. #27
    fedupgirl32 is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Krysmith78 View Post
    You're doing great fedupgirl! I don't think you are sick, I think those are all signs of WD. Mine is going different this time than last, so I don't think we always experience the exact same things in the same order.

    I'm glad you have something to help you sleep. I hate not sleeping because it gives me too much time to lay there and think about things! I should have stuck with my plan to watch movies all night last night. My husband wanted me to go to bed at the same time as him and then because I felt a little sleepy I let myself fall asleep. But I woke up around 2am and was never able to go back to sleep. I woke up covered in sweat and feeling way too hot. I was nauseous and headachy and I could tell I had just had a terrible nightmare but I couldn't remember what it was about. Then my heart started racing and I felt panicky so I got up and wandered around the house like a crazy person.

    I am glad you are having a good healthy meal because you may not feel like eating for awhile, as you probably know. I picked at my food today but wasn't able to eat much. Anxiety has been creeping in and I find myself pacing anxiously around the house. I feel worried about something non-existent and I cried a lot today. My husband probably just thinks it is near my monthly time. LOL

    I will be anxious to hear how your first full day goes tomorrow. I am glad you have some time off of work. Keep busy and keep your mind distracted. One of the suggestions that helped me the most from reading the boards was to find things that make you laugh or hang out with people who make you laugh. Or exercise or do any of those types of things that get happy endorphins going. Even smiling when we don't feel like it can help a little. Our brains have forgotten how to feel happy without the medication but they will remember. It just takes a little time.

    Can't wait to hear how you are doing tomorrow!
    Hi Krysmith! sorry to hear about your anxiety and lack of sleep! Boy did I have a horrible night lastnight! Most of the evening was pretty good after I took a nap yesterday afternoon. I got up watched tv with my family and ate chinese food.. So my appetite is still fairly good. My boyfriend is making biscuits and gravy right now and I'm really anxious to devour some and try to go back to sleep. Every five minutes lastnight I was awake with the creepy crawly feeling in my arms not my legs! Oh it was terrible. I couldn't sleep in one position I was constantly moving trying to comfortable and trying to find a way to lay on my arms to get it to stop. But nothing worked for more than five to 10 minutes. Finally I gave in and took another Lyrica I had and was able to get it to calm down pretty good. I'm assuming thats whtat it was anyways that helped. I took a bunch of vitamins this morning already so I am sure tonight will be the same but god I hope not. That was the worst feeling ever, that and the hot n cold flashes, just make me so annoyed! lol

    My next issue is that the person who I got my supply from is a close family friend. I kind of considered him a second dad all the time. Now I hate it because it's so hard for me to take his calls. He asks how I'm doing, talks about his day and it's so so hard to not say hey will u bring me something? He said he was supportive of my decision, but then he turned around and said if it got too bad I could cal him and he would come over. It's like how the hell is that going to help me? But at the same time he knows what the withdrawals are about so I know he means no harm but his actions or what he says. It's just sometimes it's counter-productive to talk to him. Like this mornin he called me but I wasn't awake enough yet to talk to anyone. So he called my boyfriend and he asked if he could come over and get his snowmobile. so I told my boyfriend just to tell him that I went back to sleep, because it's just everyday he woud come here he would bring my stuff. So ya, hes here now and I know he probably has some with him, and it's literally kiilling me. But I'm not gonna turn back now. It's been well over 24 hours since I' have had any narcotic and thats just time closer to beating this!

    I just wish I could find a way to deal with the cravings when I see or talk to him. I don't want to lose him as a friend, and I don't want to hurt his feelings. So ya I dunno. Guess time will tell and help me figure it out. Thanks everyone. Hope you all have a great Sunday! xo
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  28. #28
    fedupgirl32 is offline Junior Member
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    the cravings are really bad right now. and I'm not even feeling terribly sick, just got the chills and the goosebumps off and on. But gosh I sure would love my pills right now. Like I'm just laying in bed watching movies, wishing I could get up and feel energy. I guess that's another thing is my lack of all energy. I feel like all my body parts weight 100's of lbs. So I dunno, but the stupid mind f*&^ part is that if I had those pills right now I would jump up and have the most energy in the world to take on the whole day. So that's the worst right now. Just not having energy or the want to do anything other than lay here. and maybe cry I kinda feel like crying now. Dunno why nothing has happened. But anyways guess i'll go for now. Just wish I didnt have these cravings right now. My friend is back at my house too, workin on his snowmobile again so I think that is maybe why. Because I know he's here and he has them and I'm just sitting here andmy body is telling me, that everything I need is right there! UGH I dunno how I'm going to do this everyday that I see him. Hopefully once the worst is over then maybe the cravings won't be so bad. I dont want to let my family down or myself down. But this is really hard. Ok Now i'm really gonna go. Take care all.
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  29. #29
    Krysmith78 is offline Junior Member
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    Oh fedupgirl that is so hard. I read a lot of threads suggesting that people delete their dealer contact info from their phones when quitting so they aren't tempted to call them. But in your case that isn't an option. That is an extra challenge for you. Hang in there. Can you let him know you are really serious and need to stop and ask him to please not offer you anything? I suspect it will be a long time before you see him and are not tempted. I know I have certain activities that trigger my desire for the pills. When I do those activities and don't take them it is like a huge part of the activity is missing. I get depressed and sort of angry. Because my pills are given to me for pain I often take them when I am going to be doing an activity that would be hard to do while in pain. Many of those are family oriented activities. So I have gotten into the habit of taking them when I am going to spend the day with my family or going out for an evening with my daughter and her fiance or whatever. Yesterday we went to a local basketball game and afterwards went out for a meal and to shop around our small town. I found I was very cranky and irritable. I kept thinking how much easier and more enjoyable it would be with medication. I actually found I didn't even want to be there. I just wanted to go home and crawl into bed and feel sorry for myself. I couldn't eat anything at lunch and I didn't care about any of the conversations going on, all I could think about was those stupid pills and how if I had some I wouldn't be sick, I wouldn't be in pain and I would be happy and warm feeling and enjoying my day.

    I am so sorry your nights are going so bad. I can totally identify with that. I have been trying not to fight the insomnia and just plan things to do while I am awake that will help me not focus on the withdrawal stuff so much. But it is easier said than done I know.

    I am glad you still have your appetite. Last time my appetite never really came back, all the way up until I relapsed. And that is not normal for me. I LOVE food. Yesterday I managed some plain popcorn and I picked at the lunch I got while out with my daughter and her fiance. I am having trouble getting enough liquid because for some reason when I am going through withdrawal I can't drink either of my beverages of choice, coffee and water. Both of them increase my nausea. I don't know if that is normal. I can tolerate juice though. I am going to buy some today because I am getting a bit dehydrated.

    Anyway, stay strong today. You are doing really well! Good job fighting the temptation of your supply being so close but not caving into it. I think that is a great sign that you are well on your way to beating this! Keep posting, use this place like a journal. And thanks for letting me share my journey along with you!
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  30. #30
    grandma -bk is offline Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2016
    Posts
    79

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    hey fedup..when ever you get the tense antsy feeling..take a hot hot shower or bath, it will help...also chamomile tea really eased my nerves..extra 2 bag strong...and as for the pill guy, look at him as the devil...cause that's what them pills are ...pure devil in disguise...would you take something from the devil?...no...so be strong...and keep updating...you will one day read back all these posts...feel every one of your withdrawls so you will never wanna go thru this again.....god bless all of us that are struggling...
    fedupgirl32 and freeme47 like this.

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