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Relapse :(
  1. #1
    Krysmith78 is offline Junior Member
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    Default Relapse :(

    Back here after relapsing. Not sure what to say. I was here months ago. I was doing so well and then fell back into using hydrocodone for 8 weeks or so and now I am on day 2 of withdrawal and feeling like absolute crud. Am I just going to play this game my whole life? Because I was sure I would never be here again. It felt so good to have my life back for those months. The emotional stuff is taking a huge toll on me right now. My head is in a really bad place. I am trying to pretend I have the flu to my family who don't know anything about this struggle I am in. Now they are all worried they are going to get it and that makes me feel like a real jerk for making them all concerned for no reason. I am just feeling like about the most useless person in the world right now. So I guess I mostly came in here to get this stuff off my chest with people who might understand. Last time it helped a lot to type it all out.
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  2. #2
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Krysmith78 View Post
    Back here after relapsing. Not sure what to say. I was here months ago. I was doing so well and then fell back into using hydrocodone for 8 weeks or so and now I am on day 2 of withdrawal and feeling like absolute crud. Am I just going to play this game my whole life? Because I was sure I would never be here again. It felt so good to have my life back for those months. The emotional stuff is taking a huge toll on me right now. My head is in a really bad place. I am trying to pretend I have the flu to my family who don't know anything about this struggle I am in. Now they are all worried they are going to get it and that makes me feel like a real jerk for making them all concerned for no reason. I am just feeling like about the most useless person in the world right now. So I guess I mostly came in here to get this stuff off my chest with people who might understand. Last time it helped a lot to type it all out.
    Hi Krys,

    Sorry you find yourself here again for the same reason. Good for you for coming back though. That takes courage because none of us want to admit that we did it again. Unfortunately, most of us do until we finally get it right.

    How much were you using for those 8 weeks? I guess you know the drill and know what to expect so I don't need to educate you. I'm glad you're back and I do remember you. Keep posting and don't disappear. It does help to participate in this Forum so make use of it.

    Peace,

    Cat

  3. #3
    Ricky71 is offline Advanced Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Krysmith78 View Post
    Back here after relapsing. Not sure what to say. I was here months ago. I was doing so well and then fell back into using hydrocodone for 8 weeks or so and now I am on day 2 of withdrawal and feeling like absolute crud. Am I just going to play this game my whole life? Because I was sure I would never be here again. It felt so good to have my life back for those months. The emotional stuff is taking a huge toll on me right now. My head is in a really bad place. I am trying to pretend I have the flu to my family who don't know anything about this struggle I am in. Now they are all worried they are going to get it and that makes me feel like a real jerk for making them all concerned for no reason. I am just feeling like about the most useless person in the world right now. So I guess I mostly came in here to get this stuff off my chest with people who might understand. Last time it helped a lot to type it all out.
    Hello again, sorry about your relapse. I replied to your original thread from last December, here's a link to other thread - https://www.drugs.com/forum/prescrip...ent-72495.html

    I recommend you read through your old thread, alot of great advice and support there!

    You said "Am I just going to play this game my whole life?"
    You might want to consider NA, AA meetings and/or drug addiction counseling? That kind of support can really help for long-term success in recovery and staying clean! You can do this if you want it bad enough! You know the drill and what to expect, stay the course because it will get better. I wish you all the best... God bless us all!

    PS
    Always remember - One pill is too many and a thousand pills will never be enough!

  4. #4
    Longgone2008 is offline Member
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    Just wanted to say Hi and wishing you well. I'm new here and on my relapse as well - day 7. It's funny because I didn't remember it being this bad the first time. I don't know if you're in the same boat or not but this week has been hell.

    The one thing I can say to help would be that it gets a little better every day after the first 4. You are on the road to a better you.

    I completely understand not telling your family and feeling horrible because they think you are just sick. My 11 year old came and rubbed my back because she thought mommy had the flu.

    Hang in there. This flu will get better. Don't beat yourself up too much. I read on another post somewhere a quote that I keep reminding myself of that seems to help me:

    "I have one more high in me but I don't have another withdrawl in me"

    During my darkest hours and worst symptoms I think of that and remember that I don't want to go through this ever again. I can't go through this ever again. The high just isn't worth it. The loss of happiness, self worth, and normal just isn't worth it.

  5. #5
    Krysmith78 is offline Junior Member
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    Cat, I started with 30mg most days in the beginning but then by the end of the 8 weeks I had worked my way up to 50 most days. I know those aren't huge amounts to some people but it was the most I had ever taken. It was true addiction behavior, without even an attempt to be taking it in response to my pain levels. It really scared me that I was so out of control. And you are right, I know what to do. Just here for the moral support!

    Ricky, yes, I did go back and read a lot of the old advice and my own experience and I know mostly what I need to do. I am just here for support this time around. There is literally not one person I can talk to about this here. I know you are right about the counseling or NA meetings but it would mean a huge upheaval in my life. I would have to admit this to my family and friends and I would probably lose my position in my church. I need to try to do this on my own again. If it doesn't work this time I will probably have to look into something else.

    Longgone, it sounds like we have a lot in common! It is harder for me this time too. Part of it is that it is HOT where we are right now. We have two window AC units but they can't keep up in this heat so the house is hot at night. I actually vomited today which didn't happen last time. I am having a migraine at the same time and I often throw up with a bad migraine so I don't know if it is horrible timing or if the WDs triggered a migraine but it is awful. I am sitting here tonight alone in the dark with my legs going absolutely crazy, my stomach sick, I haven't been able to keep food down for a day and a half, I am hot and sweaty and have stomach cramps, I would have diarrhea too I am sure if I wasn't taking an anti-diarrheal every couple of hours. Then there are the emotional symptoms. I feel hopeless and depressed and I feel like I am destroying the best part of my life because of a stupid drug. Then I also have the complication of knowing that when the dust settles and these stupid pills are totally out of my system I am still left with a lifetime of pain and no real way to fight it because I can't use the pills in moderation.

    Anyway, thanks for all the responses! This board kind of became my counselor last time I was going through this so it probably will this time too. Just a place to talk about what is going on without judgement. Like I said, I don't have anyone here who I can talk to about it. Bless you all tonight in whatever part of your journey you are on! Thanks again!

  6. #6
    Longgone2008 is offline Member
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    Just curious but do you have a doctor that you can see for the depression and anxiety?

    Today (day 8) has been a good day for me but I honestly dont know if I would be here without my anti-depressants.

    I'm sorry that it's been such a horrible day but you are one day closer to feeling better. Maybe we are supposed to feel this bad to try and make us realize that its not worth it. One pill just isn't worth all the >>>>. At least that's what I'm trying to keep in mind.

    Keep your chin up. You are almost there... It feels like eternity but you are so close.
    Elcey likes this.

  7. #7
    Elcey is offline Member
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    Saying Hi Krys. I am for sure a retread many times over these past 2 years as I come to the final realization that I just CANNOT CONTROL the urge once I have the drug (my case Tylenol 3). I now find myself finally having spoken to the doctor, so no more new scripts, no refills at the drugstore, and no hidden old scripts buried in a drawer. I am finally I hope in it to win it. This has been the hardest withdrawal I've experienced to date! Day 11 and although the days are fairly good, the nights are torture still with such agitation, rls to beat the band and so of course accompanying insomnia. It's been a total bear. Last night (or should I say this morning) I finally "felt" the rls leaving my legs. Unfortunately it was 4:30 a.m. and I had to be up for an early appt. that I could not miss. Got maybe 2 really broken hours. Very exhausting.

    I believe our times come when they do and I became sick and tired of feeling sick and tired - just can't play the game anymore. I'm in my mid-60's and kind of thought what's the point of trying to stop now, but I just couldn't do it anymore. Taking Gravol to stop the stomach sickness so I could take more codeine??

    I too felt a lot of depression over what I'd done, plus shame however it left me fairly quickly in the knowledge that I'm really doing this and can start to feel good about myself again. I hope you turn the corner on that one soon. And that the migraines don't become a big problem for you. Headaches of any kind have always been a sore spot for me and that's not even migraine.

    I'll be encouraging and following along with you and I see Longgone is right around the same time too. Lots of people on various paths of their journeys to get support from.

    I desperately hope I don't run into you throughout the night cause I really need sleep now. However, we shall see. Keep going Krys and so good on you for returning to a safe place to share/vent/be angry, whatever.

    Hugs, Elcey

  8. #8
    zebra1961 is offline Member
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    Krys, cannot swear to it but I think just about everyone has relapsed before so don't be too hard on yourself, definitely not uncommon I was in that situation many times. Just keep on it is a process that sometimes plays out this way, I like the fact that it concerns it like it does cause that says you will quit and stay quit . I hope that this is it for you. Keep your eye on the target and don't look away, the cravings will eventually fade and your emotional feelings will improve so keep your head up, it will get better!!! HANG TOUGH
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  9. #9
    Elcey is offline Member
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    Hey Krys, thinking about you. How has your day been? Remember that some are tougher than others, then suddenly you have a good one. We're here for support and we all have great listening ears - bring on the whines anytime. We have all done it.

    Let us know how you're fairing okay? Haven't heard anything for a few days - doesn't matter what you post, just put finger to keyboard.
    Hugs to you, Elcey

  10. #10
    conwaycreek is offline Member
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    Hey Krys,

    Though it surely stinks to be back here, great job in recognizing the slope,you were on and taking action to get right. It is important to take time and try to identify the triggers that allowed you to suspend your knowledge of how devastating these pills can be. There's of course no simple answer, but try to understand why you were willing to let yourself go. My hope is that not only will you succeed in kicking it again, but come away this time with some ability to more effectively avoid it in the future. Best wishes.

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