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Relapsed, About to Detox Again
  1. #31
    ItsPossible is offline Member
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    Hey Life!
    So happy to hear you coming alone!
    Sex was the best for me.... do it more! What a relief it was to experience that! Anything that helps... share! after all we are sexual beings.
    The mind is a powerful tool! you are using it to your advantage!
    I am very happy to hear of all the things you are experiencing in this journey back to self! SO happy that you've tkaen the jump!
    Will check back later.
    Love and light!
    Kim xxoo

  2. #32
    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    Thanks, Kim!

    So, I am now 5 days clean. Woot!

    How I am feeling...symptom-wise, diarrhea has stopped, no body pain, still getting RLS at night, no anxiety, still yawning and still getting the afternoon wall of fatigue that comes out of no where, and hits me like a ton of bricks. Mentally, I feel clear.

    I feel like the physical is behind me, but now comes the hard part - the mental game.
    ItsPossible likes this.

  3. #33
    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    Day 7.

    Been feeling fine in the mornings, then the afternoons I seem to collapse.

    Yesterday, we had a nice breakfast, then went on a 6 mile hike, then ran some errands, Around 2PM, I start to feel my energy draining. Around 6PM, I hit that strange wall where my brain doesn't feel like it's working. Connecting thought to words is hard, I am depressed, lethargic, and generally apathetic. DH said it was my brain rewiring, I guess he's right, but when you feel entirely catatonic, you wonder if you'll be like that forever.

    Now I'm afraid to schedule anything past 2PM, as that seems to be my bewitching hour.

    Otherwise, pooping normally, sleeping OK, despite very vivid nightmares every night, appetite is fine, yawning is greatly reduced. I still have this nasty cough, which is unusual for me, and I'm not sure if it's related to the detox, or if it's from breathing in some dirty air. Limited leg pain, and the RLS is going away, too,

    I just don't feel mentally super, and I know this is the part where I'll have a good day, and then a bad one.
    Ming23 likes this.

  4. #34
    Ming23 is offline Platinum Member
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    Hey Lifesaver
    Proud of you for saving your own life!
    It's not uncommon to power-down about 2 pm. How about a rejuvenating cup of tea?
    The same thing happens to me. I rest a bit if i have anything scheduled later in the day.
    You're doing just fine!! Thanx for posting updates--it will help others...

  5. #35
    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    Thanks, Ming!

    How long did your lethargy last? I've read anything from 2 weeks to months.

    Also, this cough is new and disturbing. I never had it before with a detox. I haven't seen much written about it, but have read a few posts here and there about it being a wd symptom. Since opiates suppress coughing, I guess it's my body's way of rebounding and healing that function.

    I'm just in a total funk today. Feeling very ashamed, self-pitying, and disappointed in myself. Will I ever learn? Will I ever be able to stay clean forever? I am living the damage I've done to my body and brain, and also remorseful for the things I've done to others while using, like, blowing off family because I couldn't be bothered to get off the couch, being mean and moody to my DH...just one of those crapola days.
    Ming23 likes this.

  6. #36
    Ming23 is offline Platinum Member
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    Hey Lifesaver
    It was hard to move for a while. I started taking a B Complex and drinking a ton of water. The body will bounce back. Some folks sooner than others. If u can get outside or exercise, it makes u feel better.
    Your body and mind will heal. Feed them what they need.
    Hang in there! You're doing fine!
    Oh, btw, i was plagued with sneezes after the jump. Headaches too. The cough u mentioned sounds par for the course!
    Last edited by Anonymous; 03-08-2016 at 08:38 PM.

  7. #37
    ItsPossible is offline Member
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    Hey Life,
    Congrats on making it this far! You're right.. the mental part is certainly the next part of the process and will remain the most important part.
    Remember, we attract what we focus on. Once you start feeling better NEVER under estimate the power of the brain trying to trick you into thinking you can handle just once here and there. That will never happen.
    We may get by if we absolutely need them for surgery but other than that, it is not worth it. If you have a plan when faced with these teachable moments, you will be better off.
    That is what happened to me. I figured I had come so far that I could discipline myself this time... didn't happen, never will. Life can be so much better without pills but we must give ourselves enough time, love and care to heal our spirit.
    Not sure why I am "lecturing" you... lol.... maybe it is me that needed to hear this!
    Well I am proud of you and think you should be doing a HAPPY DANCE!
    I know all about feeling blah in the afternoon. I still get that sometimes and have been practicing meditation and yoga to help ease the anxiety and lethargy. Listen to your heart Life.... and take care of yourself more and more everyday... whether that is calling a family member, writing a letter or doing something you haven't done in a while... just be better than you were yesterday instead of comparing yourself to anyone.
    You are so strong so think of that anytime you get down on yourself for past mistakes. Learn, and reflect... but be easy girl. You are amazing.... flaws and all... perfectly imperfect.
    Love and light xxoo

  8. #38
    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    Day 8, and I'm feeling progressively worse. In fact, I feel in many ways worse than I did during the first 4. So super discouraging.

    I have this nasty, heinous dry, hacking cough. It kept me up literally all night, and I think I could have slept somewhat otherwise. If I wasn't having a coughing fit, then I was lying in bed fighting the tickle. I haven't found much literature on this WD symptom, but I know that opiates calm the brain receptor that controls coughing, so I can only think the receptor is hyper-reacting since it's deprived of its juice.

    And, the lack of energy continues. Yesterday I was completely useless. I lifted in the morning, took a shower, and that's as far as I got. The rest of the day I spent on the couch, and fell asleep a few times as well.

    Today, I got up, had a healthy breakfast, and I'm tired - partially from the WD, and also from the lack of sleep from the coughing. I have a whole to-do list I've moved from yesterday to today, and I know I'll be mondo upset at myself for wasting another day. Stuff needs to get done. I have work and spousal duties (though DH is amazingly supportive and is giving me a pass for as long as I need). It's a me thing - I hate being unproductive.

    I also started getting leg pains again last night, which continued until this morning. Ben gay and a massage helps a ton, but still.

    I'm in the part where I feel defeated, because the other times I've quit, I didn't have physical symptoms that continued this long. I'm not sure if it's because last time I tapered to 5mg, and this time I jumped from 20mg?

    Regardless, I'm bummed - depressed from WD, and depressed I'm not turning the corner.

  9. #39
    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ming23 View Post
    Hey Lifesaver
    It was hard to move for a while. I started taking a B Complex and drinking a ton of water. The body will bounce back. Some folks sooner than others. If u can get outside or exercise, it makes u feel better.
    Your body and mind will heal. Feed them what they need.
    Hang in there! You're doing fine!
    Oh, btw, i was plagued with sneezes after the jump. Headaches too. The cough u mentioned sounds par for the course!
    Thanks, Ming! I always drink between 1/2 gallon - 1 gallon a day, so agreed - it's great for the body. I also take a whole slew of fun vitamins. I mean, they're pills, and we love them - lol.

    We went for a long and every athletic hike on MON. 6.3 miles, a little under 2 hours, and it was after that that I started feeling worse. DH and I wonder if I stirred things up, and the toxins are moving faster through my body than it would normally like.

    I planned on hiking today, a shorter hike for sure, but, going to do my best to make it out.

  10. #40
    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by ItsPossible View Post
    Hey Life,
    Congrats on making it this far! You're right.. the mental part is certainly the next part of the process and will remain the most important part.
    Remember, we attract what we focus on. Once you start feeling better NEVER under estimate the power of the brain trying to trick you into thinking you can handle just once here and there. That will never happen.
    We may get by if we absolutely need them for surgery but other than that, it is not worth it. If you have a plan when faced with these teachable moments, you will be better off.
    That is what happened to me. I figured I had come so far that I could discipline myself this time... didn't happen, never will. Life can be so much better without pills but we must give ourselves enough time, love and care to heal our spirit.
    Not sure why I am "lecturing" you... lol.... maybe it is me that needed to hear this!
    Well I am proud of you and think you should be doing a HAPPY DANCE!
    I know all about feeling blah in the afternoon. I still get that sometimes and have been practicing meditation and yoga to help ease the anxiety and lethargy. Listen to your heart Life.... and take care of yourself more and more everyday... whether that is calling a family member, writing a letter or doing something you haven't done in a while... just be better than you were yesterday instead of comparing yourself to anyone.
    You are so strong so think of that anytime you get down on yourself for past mistakes. Learn, and reflect... but be easy girl. You are amazing.... flaws and all... perfectly imperfect.
    Love and light xxoo

    You know I always support you posting on my thread, Kim - even when the messaging helps you!!! That's what we do, right? Give back, help others, help ourselves...

  11. #41
    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    Day 8.5. Feeling better than this morning, which is huge!

    I wasn't able to go hiking...the thought was too daunting, but, I did a 2.3 mile brisk walk around the neighborhood. Was so difficult to get moving, but I made it!

    Came home, and got into a hot bath. For 75 minutes. I kept adding hot water to it, and it was like I was catatonic and simply COULD NOT MOVE.

    After pruning myself, with an intense amount of difficulty, I went food shopping, which I needed to do yesterday. It felt so incredibly overwhelming - all of it - putting on makeup, getting dressed, driving, shopping, driving home, unpacking - it seemed to be the most challenging task of my life. But, I did it. I am so very proud of myself for getting out TWICE today.

    The cough is still ragging me, but I think it's very slowly improving. Or, maybe I'm getting used to it. Leg pain is better as well, and my eyes are tearing less, too.

    Now I can go crash for a bit and not feel too guilty. I know we're supposed to keep moving, but I think it's also good to rest as needed.
    ItsPossible likes this.

  12. #42
    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    Day 9.

    Had a horrible night. The cough was out of control, and purely prevented sleeping. However, the cough has turned wet, so I now believe it's from a post-nasal drip, which I understand is a typical WD symptom. Opiates dehydrate you, so apparently all kinds of fun moisture comes back, including the sinuses. I took an antihistamine this morning, and may try some mucinex, too. Not sure what to really do for a PND... But, the cough is reducing, which is awesome, since my whole body aches from the violent coughing.

    Otherwise, feel OK. Had some leg pain this morning, and took some motrin. Mostly the other symptoms are gone - just the lingering cough/drip issue, and body pain. Nothing too severe, though. And despite not sleeping more than 12 minutes all night, my energy feels fine. I got up normal time, had breakfast, and was able to get some work done.

    I cautiously feel I may have finally turned the corner?

  13. #43
    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    Day 10.

    DH took me to the doctor this morning, Turns out the cough and congestion was not from WD, but was a lovely bug that's been circulating. She said it would take about 3 weeks to kick out, and I'm two weeks into it, so, homestretch on that. Just stinks, as I feel like I've spent one week dope sick, then another week sick sick, and I'd like to get back to some good feels already.

    As for WD symptoms...hard to tell, because now that I know I've been battling this bug, many of the symptoms I thought were lingering WD, was actually the flu. All feels the same, really. I guess in another week I'll be able to distinguish the difference.
    ItsPossible likes this.

  14. #44
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    Hello there lifesaver!

    How are you doing? Sorry I have been battling these darn broken ribs and lung issue and haven't felt up to doing much around the forum. Finally decided to take some time to see how my support family on the threads were making out. Drop a line when you have the time!

    RJ

  15. #45
    ItsPossible is offline Member
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    Hey Life,
    Glad you now know what that awful cough was from. Doesn't make it any better but it is nice to have some answers.
    I hope you can get some relief soon. I remember my first detox and my son was given that delicious cough syrup and it just called my name from the cupboard. It had hydrocodone in it and I wanted nothing more than to down the whole bottle.
    My son needed it and I couldn't take that from him but I really really wanted it. My husband had to put it away because I was honest with him and my struggles. My son got relief, and I had support and it made it that much easier to go through the craving of a quick fix.
    Congrats on making it to where you are and holding on tight to your sobriety.
    Wanted to stop in and say hi!
    Hiiiiiiiiiiiii!
    Love and light
    Kim xxoo

  16. #46
    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by ItsPossible View Post
    Hey Life,
    Glad you now know what that awful cough was from. Doesn't make it any better but it is nice to have some answers.
    I hope you can get some relief soon. I remember my first detox and my son was given that delicious cough syrup and it just called my name from the cupboard. It had hydrocodone in it and I wanted nothing more than to down the whole bottle.
    My son needed it and I couldn't take that from him but I really really wanted it. My husband had to put it away because I was honest with him and my struggles. My son got relief, and I had support and it made it that much easier to go through the craving of a quick fix.
    Congrats on making it to where you are and holding on tight to your sobriety.
    Wanted to stop in and say hi!
    Hiiiiiiiiiiiii!
    Love and light
    Kim xxoo
    Funny you say that...doc said she would normally prescribe a codeine cough syrup, but was not going to do that to me. It wasn't an option for me, anyhow.


  17. #47
    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    Day 13.

    No physical symptoms from the WD left, except the >>>>>> sleep. But, I've never been a good sleeper anyhow.

    I also have no cravings. But, I know I won't, until a massive emotional event in my life (like, end of a relationship or death of a close relative). That seems to be my cave and relapse trigger, and that's going to be my test when something horrible happens. Otherwise, on a daily basis, I'm very good at putting pills behind me, and not thinking about them, wanting them, or seeking them. ONCE THEY ARE OUT OF MY SYSTEM.

    Mentally, I feel dandy. Clear, and OMG - SO much calmer! I now really see what a raging lunatic I was on opiates. They made me totally irrational and mean. It's comforting to know the sane and peaceful me still exists.

    I don't miss using ONE BIT.
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  18. #48
    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    Day 17.

    I. Feel. Amazing. It truly is like the former addicts say...getting through WD isn't easy or pretty, but what a lovely world on the other side!

    My mind is clear, I've lost 8 pounds, I am calm and rational, and I feel centered. Also, I have no body pain!! Everything in my life feels so manageable. Which contradicts why I abused...I thought I NEEDED to escape, and I needed to keep that heinous pain away (that, come to find out, WAS from the pain pills).

    I'm sure everyone has seen the recent CDC recommendation for PCP's to not prescribe pain meds. I found this quite interesting. Apparently the US is 5% of the world's population, yet we consume over 80% of the world's pain meds. No WONDER people join this site daily trying to get clean. While I do think some people genuinely need pain meds longer than the 72 hours they recommend, I also don't think most people need to be on them for years. It's too bad our country won't prescribe the stronger non-narcotics more routinely for pain. I've found better pain relief from meds that are anti-inflammatories.

    Anyway, I'm now officially off the opiates and all the other meds I was taking for my back/disc problems. So liberating! It makes me feel so healthy, and without all this chemical help, my body is doing just great on its own with exercise and a good diet.

    Sobriety is such a lovely alternative.
    ItsPossible and Ming23 like this.

  19. #49
    ItsPossible is offline Member
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    Hey life!
    What a great update! So great to hear how GREAT you are feeling!
    The pain does subside, it is just about pushing through to the other side.
    I am sure there will be good days and bad, great days and depressing ones but hey thats life right?
    I am feeling the positivity radiating through your post and I wanted to thank you for that!
    Keep on keeping on girl!

  20. #50
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    What it is Life Saver? How you holding up? Still strong and clean over here! Hope the same for you!

    RJ

  21. #51
    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    Hi, gang!

    Sorry for the delay in response. Been traveling and that nasty case of bronchitis really laid me out for weeks.

    Day 35.

    Physically - all of the body pain I had while on opiates is gone. My doc was right - she felt the pills were causing more pain, and they were. I never would have imagined my pain pills were what was giving me pain. Go figure. DH asked me the other day, "how is your back pain, your neck pain, your migraines". And I told him it was all gone - he looked at me in total disbelief, as I complained about these things for months. Sleeping just great, except for the night sweats, but, that's hormonal, and not related to drugs or WD. Sex life - greatly improved, along with being orgasmic again! Makes a big difference in the marriage. And, lost 10 pounds, so that's awesome, too.

    Mentally - have some depression and lack of energy, but I'm again not sure how much of that is menopausal (likely a lot), or WD. Some days I have a really hard time self-starting and motivating, but, I do remember feeling like this years ago, before the addiction kicked into high gear. My mind is clear, though. I feel like I am able to do my job SO much better, as I'm not in that mind fog. I swear, I don't know how I dialed it in for so long. Now, I feel confident and on top of things.

    Emotionally - I'm a lot more even-keeled, patient, and balanced. The opiates really made me nasty and short-fused at times.

    There has been about two times I thought about using - how I thought it would be nice to zone out the afternoon, but they passed pretty quickly. I really don't crave the drugs, though let's be honest, if given the reason (like needing sx or something), I'm not so sure I'd refuse the opiates. That bums me out, but I think addicts are often on the fringe of using. I'd like to think I would, but being addicted was my life for so long, it's hard to imagine sober living, even though I'm doing it, and enjoying it more than being tethered to drugs. I wish I had more energy and desire to do more physically, but it's been hard at times.

    But overall, getting clean has been wonderful, and I'm better person physically and emotionally.
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  22. #52
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by LifeSaver77 View Post
    Hi, gang!

    Sorry for the delay in response. Been traveling and that nasty case of bronchitis really laid me out for weeks.

    Day 35.

    Physically - all of the body pain I had while on opiates is gone. My doc was right - she felt the pills were causing more pain, and they were. I never would have imagined my pain pills were what was giving me pain. Go figure. DH asked me the other day, "how is your back pain, your neck pain, your migraines". And I told him it was all gone - he looked at me in total disbelief, as I complained about these things for months. Sleeping just great, except for the night sweats, but, that's hormonal, and not related to drugs or WD. Sex life - greatly improved, along with being orgasmic again! Makes a big difference in the marriage. And, lost 10 pounds, so that's awesome, too.

    Mentally - have some depression and lack of energy, but I'm again not sure how much of that is menopausal (likely a lot), or WD. Some days I have a really hard time self-starting and motivating, but, I do remember feeling like this years ago, before the addiction kicked into high gear. My mind is clear, though. I feel like I am able to do my job SO much better, as I'm not in that mind fog. I swear, I don't know how I dialed it in for so long. Now, I feel confident and on top of things.

    Emotionally - I'm a lot more even-keeled, patient, and balanced. The opiates really made me nasty and short-fused at times.

    There has been about two times I thought about using - how I thought it would be nice to zone out the afternoon, but they passed pretty quickly. I really don't crave the drugs, though let's be honest, if given the reason (like needing sx or something), I'm not so sure I'd refuse the opiates. That bums me out, but I think addicts are often on the fringe of using. I'd like to think I would, but being addicted was my life for so long, it's hard to imagine sober living, even though I'm doing it, and enjoying it more than being tethered to drugs. I wish I had more energy and desire to do more physically, but it's been hard at times.

    But overall, getting clean has been wonderful, and I'm better person physically and emotionally.
    It'll happen. It's already happening. Some of it is just so dang gradual that we don't notice it until we, well stop to notice it. It's getting harder for me to remember my timeline beyond the first 5 or 6 days of detox. That will be forever fresh to me. I think that I, much like you, began to be more even and settled by 30 days. I think with steady improvement, I was truly back to whatever my 100% is by 90 days. The cravings couldn't even be called cravings anymore. A thought maybe but as a rule (there's always an exception) they were just that. A passing thought and then I'd be on to the next thing. I slept well and felt rested in the morning. I know you understand that those are two entirely different things. My stamina was back minus what I would have naturally lost while I spent nearly 20 years in my own world.

    From 30 to 90 days was much, much easier. Just working out the kinks.

    Peace,

    Cat

  23. #53
    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Catrina View Post
    It'll happen. It's already happening. Some of it is just so dang gradual that we don't notice it until we, well stop to notice it. It's getting harder for me to remember my timeline beyond the first 5 or 6 days of detox. That will be forever fresh to me. I think that I, much like you, began to be more even and settled by 30 days. I think with steady improvement, I was truly back to whatever my 100% is by 90 days. The cravings couldn't even be called cravings anymore. A thought maybe but as a rule (there's always an exception) they were just that. A passing thought and then I'd be on to the next thing. I slept well and felt rested in the morning. I know you understand that those are two entirely different things. My stamina was back minus what I would have naturally lost while I spent nearly 20 years in my own world.

    From 30 to 90 days was much, much easier. Just working out the kinks.

    Peace,

    Cat

    Thanks, Cat! I appreciate the well wishes and support. It's nice to think the next two months will only get better!! I think once I can force exercise again, that will help my mood as well.

    We just keep moving forward, right? Getting father from the addicted past...

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