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Relapsed, About to Detox Again
  1. #1
    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    Default Relapsed, About to Detox Again

    It's with much shame I return to the boards.

    A year ago, I successfully detoxed from a long-term, 30mg a day Norco habit. About three months after being clean, I had a big emotional upset, and being weak-willed, I immediately drove to my doctor for a script. Bang! I've spent the last year taking 30-40 mg per day, every day.

    Last year, I really wanted to quit, and was totally committed to it. This time, it's my doctor who wants me off. She feels I've been on them for too long. She's totally right, and in many ways, I am grateful for her calling this.

    I can't say I particularly want to quit, however. The power of the drug has me convinced that a life of lethargy, numbed emotions, depression and apathy is the way to go. How messed up is that??

    So, because of some work commitments through the end of Feb, I am starting my taper on February 26.

    I plan to drop .5 mg every 5 days. Last year, I did a much quicker taper, and had the typical week of suffering. This time, hoping to alleviate that somewhat with a longer taper schedule. Though, I know me, and once in, I may up the schedule again. lol

    I guess the good thing is that this time, my Pdoc isn't playing, and I don't want to be the addict that doctor shops for someone to prescribe, so, this is likely the forced end of my addiction.

    I just can't remember how good being clean felt, and am terrified about wd and the lasting mental effects.
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    ItsPossible is offline Member
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    Welcome back LifeSaver,
    I am on day 11 of a relapse and I am feeling pretty darn good!
    I know it is hard for us to remember living a happy life clean, but it is so much better not being controlled by pills.
    Think of all the possibilities awaiting you in your clean new world.
    You can travel whenever you can travel.
    You can find new interests or pick up old ones.
    You can be creative, have big ol belly laughs and wake up feeling alive instead of hit by a truck until your next dose.
    Think of the freedom LifeSaver! If you can believe it, you can achieve it!
    I tried to taper, it is hard, but I understand the commitment issue.
    Will you be taking time off once you do jump?
    What supplies will you be gathering for your home detox?
    I know for me, being EXCITED about it was a game changer for me. It helped me get through the worst of the WD's and staying on here kept me accountable.
    Looking forward to your updates on your progress to a FREE life
    Love and Light
    Kim XxOO

  3. #3
    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    Aw, thanks, Kim! I really appreciate the support.

    I work from home and for myself (corporate job), so, it's a little bit easier to manage the symptoms, since I'm home and can poop and vomit and blow my nose as I like. Ain't that a pretty picture? I also can work from bed, which is even better.

    Last wd, my worst symptom when I first jumped was the leg pain. My DH rubbed ben gay on them, and both the massage and the heat helped tremendously. I also had a lot of diarrhea, so again, being home is a total blessing.

    I already take a ton of vitamins and exercise and drink tons of water, so I will plan on the same.

    Food? I know you're supposed to eat well, but for the first week, I plan on eating what I like. I don't feel it's the time to restrict another part of my life. Addicts need something to obsess on, right?

    I really can't remember life clean, and I don't even know who I will be. I feel like the drugs have so changed my personality - I'm snippy and >>>>>y all the time, imagine all kinds of worst case scenarios in my head...just not who I used to be at all.

    I will enjoy not being tethered to the drug schedule, though. I hate clock watching until my next dose. Bleh.

    So, trying to ramp up mentally before the 26th. Been reading the boards, and getting tips and hope from others.

    THANK YOU again, and stay strong yourself!!! You're through the worst.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 02-04-2016 at 07:09 PM.

  4. #4
    ItsPossible is offline Member
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    I despised my attitude at the end.
    Everything annoyed me.... especially myself. I don't miss that.
    There were a few times during detox that I was short tempered but I forgave myself easily for the hard work I was doing.
    I've never loved chocolate as much as I did in the evenings, I'll shed the weight after... obsessed with any shots of dopamine I could get!
    SMOOTHIES... all i really ate or drank the first 3 days and then every day afterwards to keep my energy up.
    Hylands restful legs really helped at night for RLS. Massage and heat as well. Lived on my heating pad on the couch.
    I couldn't really focus the first 3 days so had to take a break from work and writing.
    Did a lot of research on the addicted brain and it helped me understand what was going on.
    Allowing my receptors to be in a rested state and that every time I awoken them with opiods, they went full force again,
    I couldn't accept that I couldn't have any more pain relief from my medication, but then I understood what actually chemically happened to my brain and realized it is not about will power anymore.
    I wish you all the best. With your great attitude I know you'll make it.
    So happy that you threw yourself a LIFE SAVER
    Way to go!

  5. #5
    ItsPossible is offline Member
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    Just checking in Life Saver
    Have you begun your detox? How you doing?
    Kim xxoo

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    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    Hi, guys!

    I am starting my taper on 2/26, and my jump date is 3/21. 3/22 will be my first day without munching my norcos.

    I know I need to do this, and in many ways, the idea of having an unfogged brain is very attractive, but, the knowledge of the pain of the wd pretty much sucks. Plus, I'm nervous because of some pending work commitments, which may crop up right when I jump. It has me very stressed.

    But, my doc is no longer writing the script, and I won't be shopping on the streets, so even though I'm so addicted I don't want to quit, I have no choice. Better start to embrace it, me thinks.

    I have my ben gay ready for my legs, I make my own fab bath bombs, so will stock up on those for my hot baths, and will be getting some motrin and some sugar-free lemonade. I like to tough out the diarrhea, and already eat pretty clean, so, will make some meals in advance, and have eggs and soup ready. And, CHOCOLATE - agreed - not the time for restricting diet.

    I'm just feeling kinda meh about it all. Then again, the norcos make me pretty meh, but, that's the point of them for me - to blunt my emotions.

    When I first starting abusing them, they definitely gave me a buzz and an energy lift. Now I am so flipping addicted, they do nothing but depress me. That has me worried about how my brain is going to function without the drugs. I feel so psychologically dependent! Bleh,

    Otherwise, AOK.

    How are you Kim? Still feeling good and treating yourself kindly?

    Possible...good call on the smoothies. Will stock up on supplies for shakes, too.

    P.S. Just noticed my OP said I was dropping .5. I am dropping 5mg every 5 days. Discussed it with doc, she agreed to go slowly, and felt the taper schedule was doable. Then again, she's not a drug addict, now is she??
    Last edited by Anonymous; 02-13-2016 at 07:47 PM.
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  7. #7
    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    I'm upping my taper schedule, and am now starting this SAT. Since I've been munching 40mg a day lately, dropping to 25mg feels so scary, BUT, I am renewing my commitment, and just want to be done. I hate the idea of tapering, as I will miss being zoned all day, or, miss whatever the hell it is I even feel anymore. I really want to get to jump day, as that somehow feels easier. Something about having to endure days with tapering dosing feels more daunting than NONE.

    Here we go.

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    ItsPossible is offline Member
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    Hey!
    I too ripped the bandaid off before I planned to.
    I was so scared... turns out it isn't really as bad as we think it will be.
    It isn't a walk in the park but so doable and almost a right of passage back into sober living.
    There are days I feel fantastic and then there are days I feel I could really use a quick fix... but that only brings me back to more pain and sadness so stay strong and stick to the plan of getting your life back!
    Sounds like you are ready and prepared.
    This time if for you and hopefully the last time.
    Go get em!
    Love and Light xxoo

  9. #9
    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by ItsPossible View Post
    Hey!
    I too ripped the bandaid off before I planned to.
    I was so scared... turns out it isn't really as bad as we think it will be.
    It isn't a walk in the park but so doable and almost a right of passage back into sober living.
    There are days I feel fantastic and then there are days I feel I could really use a quick fix... but that only brings me back to more pain and sadness so stay strong and stick to the plan of getting your life back!
    Sounds like you are ready and prepared.
    This time if for you and hopefully the last time.
    Go get em!
    Love and Light xxoo
    Aw, thanks for the encouragement! I really needed it today. I've been having a very hard time this week. I feel physically and mentally unwell. Likely because I've been doing 40mg a day, which is more than my usual. I'm sure to some hardcore users it seems so tiny in comparison, but I've been using so very long, that I fear I've caused some permanent damage or something. I feel like >>>>, and this is while I've upped my dosing! Ugh.

    Your line, "...hopefully the last time" really sticks. I SO hope this is it.

    I flushed 20 norcos today. I revised my taper schedule, counted out the pills, even cut one in half and chucked it, I was THAT diligent. I cleaned out my hiding places of all the pills, and tomorrow I drop to 30mg, and then SAT begins the 25mg dosing.

    My new and LAST jump date is March 16.

    My fear comes from the fact I'm going on the road for work on SAT, and I have a job of high responsibility. I work in a field in which you screw up once, and that's what people remember of you. So, high pressure, and I'm wondering why I decided to begin tapering while traveling? I'm just hoping I'll be OK.

    Please tell me...how exactly did you accelerate your taper? Did you go CT, or just taper quicker?

    Thanks again for the kind note. Again, really needed it today.

  10. #10
    ItsPossible is offline Member
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    Hey Life,
    Checking in. How is it going?
    I decided to jump way before I had planned. I had made it to an AA meeting and was very inspired. So I came home, took a bunch of pills for my last dose.... I do not recommend this as it was very dangerous and made me feel worse the next day. It totally ruined what I did get to taper down to.. all that uncomfortableness for nothing.
    That's the thing, I just dragged it out until I felt it was time to rip off the bandaid.
    You'll know when it is time. I hope that time comes for you soon.
    The Wd's aren't as bad as we think. They aren't fun but its really nothing more than food poisoning or the flu.
    If you can get in light exercise every day... it is so good for you. But if you can sleep for the 1st 2 days, time will go by fast and by day 4 or 5 you should feel like you are out of the woods. Do you have someone you can talk to about your addiction. Can you get to a meeting ?
    These support systems are so important to remain clean. The brain plays tricks on us when we are feeling better. So just take it one day at a time.
    I don't know why I am blabbing advice to you that you probably already know or I have said before. It's been a while since I've been on here... so busy enjoying life now
    Hope to hear a update on you when you can.
    Love and Light xxoo

  11. #11
    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    Hey! Thanks for checking in on me. I was traveling, so not able to log on.

    I'm doing really well. Down to 20mg! And feel pretty good. Part of me wishes I was able to stay at this level. I don't feel fuzzy, just rather peaceful and calm. I seem to be much better able to handle stress, too. Seems like on the vics, I was always tweaking about something I probably didn't need to.

    I am getting the major itch to just jump already, and keep vacillating between dropping to 10 mg for a few days, and then jumping the end of this week, and, continuing on my taper schedule. I'm feeling really impatient and want to get this done, but also feel like it might be better for me to continue the taper moreso to minimize the mental wonkiness. I agree with you -as unpleasant as the physical wd is, the mind >>>> is far worse.

    So, I'm deciding and just staying on course for now.

    The two closest people to me, my husband and my Mom, both know I am currently tapering and going for full detox. Both are also entirely non-drug people, so don't understand the mental game, but, they are support. Hubs was with me last year when I withdrew, and my Mom is supportive as well. Both think I should stick to the taper schedule.

    As for cravings...this weekend is a big trigger. I started bumping up to 40mg on the weekends recently, and I really looked forward to dosing every 3 hours and just zoning out. So, being home in the same environment and NOT munching pills is hard, but I'm doing OK. I am clock-watching until I can take my second pill today, however. SIGH.

    Kim - how much were you taking when you went CT?

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    Hey LS,

    Congrats to you making it through the weekend and not gobbling! Tapers always seemed to only work for me when I knew I was going to run out! Finally after multiple cycles of the tapering and quoting more only to super dose each time, I decided enough was enough. Mine went like this, wed-Sunday 120-150 mg, Monday 100mg, Tuesday 70mg(also when I acquired the suboxone which I ended up not taking), Wednesday 60 mg and then Thursday 30 mg(10mg morning, 10 mg lunch and 10mg at 5:00 pm) then I made the jump. Obviously a much faster taper, thought I would need the subs but 48 hours in I finally made the decision to can that idea. I am now 24 days clean of the oxy and must say am happier then I have been in a long time! Life is finally just that, life as it should be without the fog or haze of oxy. I have faith in you with whatever you choose but if you jump after tonight I think you could handle it. Just my opinion, either way all of us will be here for support! Stay strong, YOU CAN DO THIS! End the cycle, turn the page and walk away!

    RJ

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    ItsPossible is offline Member
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    Hey Life!
    As per your question to how much I CT form: I think I planned to make it down to 5mgs and had a pretty good plan in place but I only made it to 30mgs. It was too hard for me mentally to do. I would search the house looking for them when my husband wasn't home. It consumed me. I went to a meeting on a Sunday night at a detox centre and then came home that night, took a bunch of percs and stayed up most of the night and into the early morning. I thought one more night won't hurt... well it did! It made my day 1 so much harder. I felt hung over and gross.
    I've read many stories on tapering and some have made it down to half a pill before jumping.
    Like I said before, it's your plan so you need to be comfortable with it.
    We are very proud of all you're doing.
    Are you taking time off during this as your job is very intense it seems?
    Sorry if I've already asked, my short term memory is being repaired. lol I have posted on many threads but you have actually stuck around so I'll make sure to re-read up on your story to be a better friend
    Don't watch the clock lol it's like waiting for the pot to boil!

    My first thread was TRUTH BE TOLD if you ever need a read. Lots of good advice on there from others. It is crazy for me to read it and see how far I've come. A long thread with lots of ups and downs... but I couldn't have made it through this without it.
    Love and Light xxoo

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    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    RJ - thanks so much for popping in and posting your words of encouragement! So helpful, really.

    Kim - I hated that feeling...the days I would overdo it, and then next day, I just felt dope hungover. >>>>>> feeling for sure. Bleh.

    I did have the plan to drop to 5 mg, but this morning I got up, exercised, and by 9:30AM, I was on the couch under a blanket, watching TV. With, rampant yawning, and total fatigue. After 2 rounds of diarrhea, mind you. SO, der, it hits me that I'm already in a bit of withdrawal, and rather than go through another two weeks of this, I'm going to jump tomorrow. Yesterday was the last day of taking 20mg, and today was to be a 15mg day. It's going to be a 10mg day, and that's it. I have a doctors appointment at 8AM, so after that, I'm coming home to detox for a few days.

    Here we go! I just want it to be over.

    BTW, I also recently weaned myself off 10 years of ambien use, and I stopped taking the muscle relaxer over the weekend, which was for my back issues. So, once the vic's are done, I can't believe I'm going to have no drugs!!

    I am calling this my "comeback year", and plan to get back to full fitness, back to lifting and hiking and yoga, lose the weight I've packed on, and be drug-free. I can't wait.


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    ItsPossible is offline Member
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    I am so so sooooo HAPPY for your decision!
    Comeback year... LOVE THAT!
    I will be working a long day tomorrow but will check in after work and before bed!
    I love your fitness goals... sounds like we are pretty similar in that area!
    I haven't tried lifting yet as I am a little concerned with the back pain but I have been doing full body, high intensity workouts following 8fit which is the greatest app for me. Meal plans, work outs and tons of articles to get me enough information to form my own opinion.
    There is so much conflicting info out there.... but this info tells me that bacon, in moderation is a healthy fat! So ya, I like that. lol

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    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    Thanks, Kim!

    Comeback year from my back injury of 8/14 that has plagued me since, from the vic addiction, and the weight gain. I'm ON it, girl!

    I was scheduled to compete last year (before the injury, of course). I lifted for 31 years, and was someone who built her life around workouts, 6 days a week. (!) I am starting up doing some light lifting, and know I will ever get back to the weight I did before getting hurt, nor any of the lifts that pressure the lower back (just don't think it's smart). Docs don't think my injury was from lifting, per se, likely just from being old (ugh), but the heavy lifting definitely didn't help things. Since JAN, I have been hiking a few times a week, and from where I've been (not able to walk), it feels great to just be able to move at all. I do some long hikes - 6+ miles, and I run and climb all over rocky terrain, and I feel like an elite athlete for being able to do that. I don't take it for granted one bit.

    I did read your thread - thanks for directing me to it. Your kids are lucky to have such a tough Mom!

    I have no problem with getting your pork on. lol

    I decided to cancel my doctors appointment for tomorrow morning, as I tend to need a bathroom quite a bit the first few days of wd. Otherwise, I know what to expect, am relatively prepared, and am oddly looking forward to it. BECAUSE I know what awaits me on the other side. I know last year I tapered to 5mg, and this time I'm jumping from 20mg (today I dropped to 10mg), so, hoping the wd isn't too much worse. I just realized this AM that I was already in wd, and the idea of spending 2 weeks on a slow and daily wd for perhaps a lighter final jump didn't sound better than a few days of absolute discomfort.

    To answer your work question...I have a conference call tomorrow afternoon, and that's it. I'm clear for a week, so, another reason why this felt like the right time.

    I have some homemade chicken soup, all kinds of beverages and waters, vitamins, my bath salts, ben gay, motrin, and some Xanax in case I get edgy. Let's do this.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 03-01-2016 at 07:49 PM.

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    LS,

    Look at you!!!! I love the drive! Jump baby jump! So proud of you and your choice! This is great news and decision that will pay off in the long run! We are right here cheering you on! I didn't see Imodium ad on your list, the liquid is the best! You can do this and with your drive you will! Post here and post often! Big smile on my face!

    RJ

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    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    Thanks, RJ and Kim! I've jumped, I've jumped! But, with the safety net of you guys.

    Currently 22 hours clean. Last night I slept OK, though the RLS set in about 1AM.

    Got up about 8AM, had coffee, vitamins and a banana, and now yawning and sneezing on the couch, watching TV.

    Three bouts of the runs already. SIGH. RJ - I feel like I want my body to get used to functioning without meds, so, that's why I conspicuously avoided the immodium. I don't deserve to short-cut what I've done to myself.

  19. #19
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Congratulations on your decision to just get on with this. I'm a strong advocate for doing just that and believe me, I've had plenty of practice. Cold turkey detox is pretty predictable. That's the good news. Having tapered the way you did has accomplished two important things. The first is that you are already practicing self discipline. Something that I've never had much of and secondly, hopefully jumping from the lower daily dose will make things at least a bit easier for you.

    I know what you mean about the Immodium. I felt like the frequent bathroom trips were a part of cleansing the toxins. I have no idea if there's any validity to that but it made me feel better. I did however, take Immodium after the first couple of days if for no other reason than to stop having to keep getting up and running--and I mean running to the bathroom.

    It's Wednesday so I would expect that you will be past the worst of the physical by the end of the weekend. Not so bad, right?

    Peace,

    Cat
    Last edited by Anonymous; 03-02-2016 at 01:24 PM.

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    Thanks, Cat! Appreciate you dropping in.

    I feel like I'm waiting for the hurricane to hit. I've boarded up the house, stocked up on canned goods, and now I keep waiting to hear the wind whip up.

    I'm really just watching the clock tick by, as I know what to expect hour by hour. It's weird - I went back and re-read my detox thread from last year, and I am going through almost the EXACT same symptoms, on the same schedule. I guess this is how my body does it.

    So, yes, agreed by SUN I should be around the corner.

    Yes on the immodium! I feel like I've spent years bandaiding with pills...it just feels like another avoidance mechanism. I know many find value and relief, and that is awesome, but, I want to feel every part of this. Hopefully the hellish memory of detox sticks this time.

    DH should have a few days off in the next few, so I told him last night to be sure to get me out of the house for a hike or some exercise. I know once I'm doing it, and once done, I'll feel a ton better.

    Meanwhile, resting, drinking water, and just waiting to get through this.

    Thanks, again for the support!

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    ItsPossible is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by LifeSaver77 View Post
    Thanks, RJ and Kim! I've jumped, I've jumped! But, with the safety net of you guys.

    Currently 22 hours clean. Last night I slept OK, though the RLS set in about 1AM.

    Got up about 8AM, had coffee, vitamins and a banana, and now yawning and sneezing on the couch, watching TV.

    Three bouts of the runs already. SIGH. RJ - I feel like I want my body to get used to functioning without meds, so, that's why I conspicuously avoided the immodium. I don't deserve to short-cut what I've done to myself.
    Happy Day 1 our Life saving Jumper!
    So proud of you!
    Keep posting anytime you feel the need. great distraction and also awesome for others that are reading through their own situations.
    This is so exciting for you!
    Will check back in tonight when I have more time. I have been trying to get on here but at work it is very difficult so please know I am thinking of you and sending you tons of love and light!
    Butterfly xxoo

  22. #22
    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    Thanks, Kim!

    I hit a total wall of fatigue this afternoon, and it was all I could do to crawl out of the bath to bed. Passed out, and then had to get up for a concall. Ate a piece of dark chocolate beforehand, which gave me the zing and pep to be able to participate.

    Sneezing, chills, sweats, body aches - all the typical good stuff. So far, nothing too intolerable - just annoying, as it's sidelined me for another day. The body pain does seem to be getting worse, and I have to remember that I was on vics for actual body pain, so, not sure if this is a return of the pain, or if it's rebound from the wd, Time will tell there. Appetite has been bad in the morning, then improves in the afternoon. Today I had a grilled cheese and oatmeal. Supplements...was taking motrin, but it wasn't doing the trick, so I took a diclofenac. Still achy, and looking forward to hubs coming home to rub ben gay all over me. Sounds better than it will be, believe me.

    Now 30 hours clean. I know the rough part is coming tomorrow, though. My plan is to see how the day greets me, and if I have the energy, I want to try and get out for a walk with DH. Otherwise, I expect little from myself for a few days.

  23. #23
    ItsPossible is offline Member
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    ooooooo DARK CHOCOLATE! NIce!
    You're attitude is so right where it needs to be.
    i understand the pain part and in my experience it was soooo painful the first week and then it levelled out and was manageable. We do so much more when we are on pain pills and it causes us to hurt more.
    Now when I am doing too much, my pain tells me and I slow down or leave it until my body tells me it's okay again.
    I could do everything myself before on pain pills. Carry a sofa up and down the stairs because I had pills to take the pain away. Now I ask for help Where there is a will, there is a way... as long as it's not the old way
    Enjoy your walk tomorrow. I am off to bed to read an inspirational book as I had a really emotional evening and my real first "I don't want to do this anymore" moment. It passes, I know that but it didn't feel like it would and I hated everyone and anything. I knew I was trying to get angry so that I could make a bad decision. Self sabotage is one of my many talents... WAS, WAS... that's not me anymore so I gently reminded myself that as I felt like no one was around to help me through it. Another poor me moment. I'm totally over it. I love my life. My family, friends, fellow addicts. You're a cool member Life... and if you feel like sharing your name or making one up.... I would love to call you it
    Kim xxoo
    Love and light xxoo

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    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    Aw, I'm so sorry you had a rough night, but I am so very proud of how you navigated through it! How are you feeling today? I think you did all the right things...moved through the moment, knew it would pass, and did NOT give up on yourself. Keep doing more of that...

    Me...started to feel progressively >>>>>> as the night wore on. Took another hot bath, and then anxiety set in. I can handle the physical symptoms, as I suffered through years of a back injury, but the mental stuff is a non-starter for me. So, I took a half a .5mg Xanax, and got into bed. Helped with the RLS that was full blown, and let me fall asleep. I then was up every half hour or so. Hubs got up with me about 3AM, and we talked and had sex (can I admit that here? I do only because it helped me TREMENDOUSLY - set off some endorphins, and I was able to get back to sleep until 8AM). I also took the other half of the Xanax at 3AM, since the RLS was really bothersome.

    Woke up, and felt very "normal", minus that weird drug haze I always arose with when I used. DH and I went for a walk, and out for breakfast. I was hesitant, as I feared having to poop while out, but so far, NO diarrhea. And, the walk really helped my sore legs, and it felt wonderful to walk in the sunshine and get the blood pumping.

    Just home now, and I'm almost at 46 hours, and doing OK. Still sneezing a lot, yawning, body aches, and starting to feel drained as the caffeine wears off. Also have noticed a new symptom I didn't have last year, which is coughing. Dry, random, doesn't last, but it's strange, and I am sure due to WD. We plan to veg on the couch and watch movies, while I drink tons of water. Already had my vitamins, and plan a banana sometime today.

    So far, so good, but I always do best in the morning. I am ready for whatever come this afternoon, however.

  25. #25
    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    Oh, also wanted to mention, last night, in the middle of feeling super achy, anxious, and wanting to be anywhere than in my own body, I found a pill. A whole, sinful, 10/325.

    I left it in the bottle, and momentarily walked away.

    Then I went back to it, took it out of the bottle, and put it in my palm.

    I looked at it, turned it over, and considered options: 1 - taking it, thereby setting myself back days, and absolutely HATING myself, 2 - saving it for insurance, 3 - flushing it.

    I am proud to say I flushed it. It's a lot easier to flush pills when you're already high, or committed to WD, but in the middle of it? Pfft. I am very pleased with myself.

    No going back.

  26. #26
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    LIFESAVER!!!!

    Awesome little post there above!!!!! Flushed it right down! On day 3 I flushed 8 oxy and 10 trams with my wife and it was very freeing! You are almost done with 2 fulls days!!! how cool is that! I have a feeling things are going to get progressively better from this point forward!

    Funny you talk about sex! Kim posted about that early on in here thread! Me being a guy, had a different problem! When on the pills it would take me forever to the point sometimes I couldn't even finish! But when I got off the pills I was like a teenager again! Not that super quick is a good thing for my wife, lol!!! But that has gotten much better in the last month! Sex is awesome, it is the body's way of releasing endorphins. My Bro in Law has his master in psychology and told me his professor told him that the reaction of opiates on the brain is almost exactly similar to the effects of climax on the brain. So when we are pills its like were walking around with that great feeling ALL THE TIME! no wonder these devil pills get us hooked! sorry about the sex rant, I know its something most people love! LOL

    SO proud of you! We are right here with you!

    RJ
    ItsPossible likes this.

  27. #27
    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    Thanks, RJ! I'm glad I wasn't being inappropriate.

    Since we're on that topic, when I was using, I had a very hard time finishing. It was horrible on a new marriage, as DH blamed himself, I blamed him, on and on. Last night, it was like I had the drive (and finishing capability) I had before I was using so much (like you - quick and teenager-like - lol). Despite it being 4AM, it was a magical moment for both of us, as we both missed our joint wowies. I feel like we've turned the corner there, and I can readily acknowledge that opiates killed my sex drive 100%, and killed my orgasm as well. So, that's reason enough to stay clean. lol

    Totally agree with your BIL, and good on you (and your wife), btw.

    OK, so I'm not sure what to make of this, but I felt pretty fine all day. We had our walk, breakfast out, and I came home, expecting to hit a wall. Never happened. I didn't get fatigued, had no anxiety, no diarrhea, no nausea. I sneezed and coughed a few times, had some leg pain (took motrin - helped), but my appetite was fine.

    Part of me feels like I've passed the physical WD, but that seems so strange, compared to what I went through last year. This time, I did a much shorter taper, and jumped from 20mg. Last year, I had a longer taper, and jumped at 5mg.

    Is it possible that I had 2 days of physical wd, and that I'm passed it? Or, is this some kind of weird reprieve, and I'm going to get hit by a truck tomorrow or the next?

  28. #28
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    LS,

    Yeah, the crazy thing about this time for me is that I was expecting so much worse compared to prior times when I was without pills where I was horrible. I just kept waiting and waiting for the worst to hit me and it never really did. It was not walk in the park but by day 4 and 5 i was functioning. Still clammy and sweaty but it just never kicked my butt the way I was expecting it to physically. The sleep sucked and the RLS sucked but they passed rather quickly as well. Sometimes our expectations of what will happen are way more than what actually happens. I also believe that determination to end the process make a huge difference because we prepare our bodies for it. Getting outside, hiking etc is awesome and im sure thats helping you! You could be out of the woods and I hope you are. All mental from there! I believe it is very possible that you may be on the up and up! Hope thats the case!

    RJ

  29. #29
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Hi,

    So good to see you doing well. I think the difference between this year and last year is the place where your head is at. Compare it to having a baby. The first time, you don't really know what to expect. Then some time passes and you want another baby and you just remember it was hard. Then you go into labor and it's not nearly as bad as you had remembered. Does that make sense? For me, it was always (yes, I've had more than my fair share of cold turkeys!) anticipating what I was going to face that was perhaps the hardest part. My last Day 1, six years ago, I went into it with an excitement that I had never felt before. I was determined and prepared for the fight and it made all the difference in the world.

    Did you dodge a bullet? Maybe. But I'm thinking that you were better prepared this time and more determined. There is apt to be ups and downs in the coming days/weeks but that's life and may have nothing to do with getting clean. We tend to blame everything on that early on and it's just not true. Whatever the case, I'm glad for you that things are going well and hope they continue that way.

    Peace,

    Cat

  30. #30
    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
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    Hour 72.

    Last night, slept horribly. The RLS was out of control. I went to bed taking nothing, but after pacing the house, doing deep knee bends, flailing my legs, and generally flipping in bed for a few hours, I took a Xanax. It knocked me out, so I could sleep through the RLS a bit, but I still tossed and turned. So, hard getting up, but coffee helped.

    Otherwise, no other symptoms today. I'm rather in a state of disbelief, quite frankly. Last year, I really suffered, BUT, I was also coming off habit of many years, and this time, just a year. I feel like a bit of a weenie - as I was so in fear of being fetal on the floor, and none of that happened.

    RJ and Cat - yes, I totally agree about sometimes remembering things being worse, and like you said, I think I was prepared for the worst, so anything short of that, is a blessing. I also agree that symptoms may still come and go. It just seems weird I'd be over the worst in two days, but hey, I'll take it.

    Now I'm officially at hour 72, and I feel fine. I worked out, am doing some work, made some phone calls, colored my hair, and going to get out and run errands. Who is this person? I'm doing it all sober, mind you. I feel no wonkiness, a little diarrhea, no body aches...still sneezing a bit, but I really just feel NORMAL. Not that I really remember that, mind you. But, I think this is what I am as a sober person.

    Over the last few days, however, I did catch myself clock-watching, as I lived by the hours ticking by til the next dose. I have to relearn to treat time as something other than for opiate usage.

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