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Soon to be husband addicted
  1. #1
    Allied70 is offline Junior Member
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    Default Soon to be husband addicted

    Hello everyone. I am hoping for some reassurance I suppose. Reassurance that I did the right thing.

    I apologize in advance for the length of this post.

    I am engaged to be married and living with my fiancé (he is in his 40's). In January of this year I discovered that he was purchasing (he does not have a prescription) and taking Hydrocodone. His dealers are others who take them and they all work at the same huge company. Easy access.

    He is what I guess you would call a high functioning pill addict. He works in a professional environment, goes to work every day (though late at least once per week), has a nice home, car. His finances I have discovered are bad - he has a ton of debt and pays too much for his home and car - "appearances" I guess. He works a lot and goes to work and comes home. Doesn't go out or anything. But he works with his dealers so he doesn't have to go anywhere other than work I suppose.

    When I confronted him in January he became very angry with me and denied it. I found a bottle of pills in an OTC bottle and he admitted it and promised to stop. Swore on everything and everyone. I believe he did quit but not for long. He just hid it much better. I never found pills again. However, I can see it all over his face and in how he acts. Eyes darting around, itchy face, nose, ears. Fidgety, falls asleep fast and hard, hard to wake up. I am not stupid. Then, I saw where he was calling a new person often - also someone at his company. I believe he changed to a new person since I knew the names of the other two he was calling/purchasing from. I never confronted him with this information. I don't know why. I think I didn't want him to know I was looking at his phone. Or maybe *I* was in denial. I didn't want to believe it. And because I didn't see any pills (believe me I have looked and looked), I would talk myself out of the possiblity that he was using again.

    I also discovered that he is in serious debt (mostly cash loans) and is overdrawn in his account almost every month, returned checks, paying bills very late, lying to people about why he's late (I've been out of town - lie, My paycheck was short but I am having it corrected - lie). He often goes to ATMs and withdrawals $100 to $200 a couple times a week. He goes to random ATMs too not his bank so racks up fees weekly. He works on commission so one of his checks does vary and according to him it's been lower than normal the last few months (which is the reason he has been overdrawn he says).

    Two nights ago he asked me for money. Said he paid all his bills and was out of cash. He was paid two days prior. I did see all he paid (he showed me his checking account statement for the last month) and he had paid his bills. His check was lower due to being overdrawn (by a lot) so his check was smaller than usual. I told him I would go online and pay a bill for him and he said all bills were paid he just needed cash to get by until next pay day. I said I already purchased groceries and would put gas in his car. That was the end of that conversation until the next day.

    We were texting while he as at work about finances and he asked again to borrow some money and I told him I would help out but need to know what I am paying instead of just giving him a wad of cash. He started getting agitated with me so I told him that I was worried to give him cash to assist in his pill purchases and he went off! He was furious! He said he stopped taking them a few months ago like he told me he had. I said that I believed he was still taking them. He said of all things I could have said this is the worst as he has worked so hard to stop taking them. He told me to get the f out and he is sick of my accusations and not trusting him and we are finished. I left before he got home from work.

    He sent several more texts that evening cursing me out. He said he made a terrible mistake thinking I trusted and believed in him. He says I f'd everything up again and went too far this time and that's it's definitely over for good. He will not stand for my false accusations anymore. He said he is so angry at me which is good because he will get over it quickly. He said I am completely wrong in believing the BS in my mind. You must leave he says. He said he has never been with anyone like me who calls him a liar and tells him he is doing things he isn't - he said I am nuts. He said I don't know him at all, I ruined everything, I destroyed our relationship. He said it's disappointing that I am ending this over the belief that he is still taking pills when its the furthest thing from the truth. He hopes my decision haunts me forever. He said I haven't been given any reason to believe he is taking pills again. Then he says, YOU have a problem. You need help, goodbye. Followed by, have a nice life, it was fun while it lasted.

    And that's the last I heard from him (last night). Last time I left he texted me non-stop and finally convinced me to come home. That was when he admitted though that he did take them and that he would stop. Now he is just done with me. And he thinks I left because he asked me to borrow money. Not because I believe he is taking pills.

    I will wait until he is gone to work and will start getting the rest of what I can out of his house. I know it's really over this time. And it hurts.

    Sorry to share that entire story to get to what I am asking for here.

    He has made me think that I am crazy and dreaming it all up in my head. I love everything about my fiancé except this. We were madly in love. I hate that he has this problem, doesn't think it is a problem and that he would let me walk away instead of fixing it. It makes me sick. I am staying at my parents now. I will have to find a place to live though they said I can stay however long I need to. I am still beating myself up and going back and forth in my head about whether I blew this out of proportion and he isn't lying.

    Truth is I haven't been able to fully trust him since the last time. Lord knows I tried. But then I started to see the signs in his behavior. I turned a blind for a long time. I saw numerous calls in such a short period of time to his new dealer every other day or so and would see texts from the same person saying he was a in a meeting and would call him when out. My fiancé must have called him looking for more. He quit texting about it knowing I had read his texts before and would start calling his dealer instead. I looked at his call log so that's how I know he contacted him.

    When he asked for money though I just couldn't hold it in any longer. And now here we are. Based on what I have written and any of your experiences, do I sound like a crazy person who is wrong and out of line?

    I am so heartbroken. I hope I didn't make a terrible mistake.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 07-13-2016 at 01:08 PM.
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  2. #2
    mommytobeofone is offline New Member
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    It seems to me that you made the right decision.

    I know that in my addiction, I ALWAYS got really defensive when I was approached by my fiancee about money and where it was going. He never knew how much was going to pills, he just knew it was alot. And every time he brought up how much money was being spent or if I had really quit or cut back when I said I did, I would get really upset and yell at him and tell him to leave if he didnt like it.

    But for you, in the long run, if you didnt trust him, the odds of you ever trusting him were slim....especially when he wasnt giving you anything for you to trust him for. Perhaps he has blown up at you because he has no money to get these pills, so it has sent him into withdrawal. Withdrawal is a nasty nasty thing. and It will make people blow up at almost anything. Because you wouldnt give him the money (which you have every right to NOT) then he was pissed because of that. he wanted those pills at any cost.

    Hang in there. Know that while it hurts and sucks right now, you leaving him with nothing right now might get him to get on the right track. If he decides to try to get you to come back, require him to get some form of treatment first. If you dont trust him, you need to tell him this. And you have every right NOT to trust him. You are doing the right thing and hopefully he will realize that your love is stronger and worth it more than these pills are.

    It took me a while to figure this out myself. Be patient with him, but be patient from afar if need be.

  3. #3
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    I remember you from earlier in the year, don't I? You're not crazy. The things you described such as the itching nose and face tells me he's not taking them orally, he's likely snorting them. That is classic. All of his reactions when you called him out is typical addict manipulation. "He doesn't have the problem. You do." Transference.

    I can tell you one thing for sure. If I were him and I wasn't using, I would have asked you to go buy a test kit that very moment, I'd pee in the cup and get on with things. I may have been hurt but THE most important thing would have been to prove to you that I hadn't relapsed. I bet you would have loaned him the money and moved on.

    The sad truth about addiction is that everything and everyone comes in second to our drug of choice when we are actively using. You are standing in the way of his ability to use without consequences even if those consequences include losing you. He needs money and he needs pills. This equals desperation. The hard truth is that right now you are in his way. Someone who was putting you first wouldn't be saying hurtful things like "Have a nice life. It was fun while it lasted." Really? That's just mean.

    Can you find an ALANON meeting? I really think you'd benefit from talking to people face to face who love an addict. You will be amazed at how much active addicts have in common.

    Good luck and keep us posted.

    Peace,

    Cat
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  4. #4
    mommytobeofone is offline New Member
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    I can tell you one thing for sure. If I were him and I wasn't using, I would have asked you to go buy a test kit that very moment, I'd pee in the cup and get on with things. I may have been hurt but THE most important thing would have been to prove to you that I hadn't relapsed. I bet you would have loaned him the money and moved on.

    The sad truth about addiction is that everything and everyone comes in second to our drug of choice when we are actively using. You are standing in the way of his ability to use without consequences even if those consequences include losing you. He needs money and he needs pills. This equals desperation.

    ^^this is the darn truth right there. Especially the "youre the one with the problem" reference. I said that I dont know how many times to my fiancee....and it was all so I could put the blame of MY addiction on someone else....it was someone else who got me in this place. it was never me. It was never my fault why no one trusted me.

  5. #5
    Thisweekforsure is offline Advanced Member
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    Agree with the others about transference. Not only is this addict behavior, it is one of the signs of narcissism and/or a toxic person. You feeling the relationship is ideal except this one little thing is another sign.

    I love everything about my fiancé except this
    Everything? This statement is indicative of you holding an ideal image of him, not of who he actually is in reality. Nothing wrong with that on your part. First of all, we all do this when first infatuated and we fall in love. Secondly, IF he is a narcissistic personality, he is expert at manipulating your view of him. Putting on a "mask" as it were. The mask falls off when you push back, when you do not agree to a demand or indicate you have a problem with something in him. Then he turns on you, like Jekyll and Hyde.

    Of course I cannot diagnose him so let's not talk what his personality is or is not. Let's get real, let's talk about YOUR actual life. Do you want to chain yourself to a man in his 40s already who not only has not saved for retirement, who has dug himself into a terrible financial hole, who values superficial appearance over a strong foundation, who's current life is chaos, and who is involved in illegal activities? Do you want to lose even more time and years and opportunity for building your own secure future?

    It is heartbreaking, there is little in life more painful than the ideal love image evaporating, been there done that. Hurts like heck. Let your heart hurt, but use your head. I think you know what the right thing is.

  6. #6
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    I agree with all the above..

    It is hard when someone we love does not trust us..
    But it is even hRder when they are right!

    But his love right now is for those pills.
    It is dispicable.
    But true..

    Addiction takes over Everything!
    Until he gets sick and tired
    Of
    Being sick and tired..
    He will carry on
    With or with out you!

    The only person you can save is you..
    I hate to say it but a whole life ahead of you with an addict
    Is tough..

    Because the success rate is very small!
    It could take years for him to actually get into recovery!
    Especially since he still has all his props I. Line..

    Once things start falling apart
    The sooner he will hit his bottom..
    Hopefully it will not be
    Jails , institutions or death..

    That is usually whAt it takes..

    So if your down to go for a long ride..
    Stick around.
    If not
    Let him go
    And
    Pray for him..
    Because that is whT he needs
    And
    ReAlly all you can to!

    It is heartbreaking to watch I know!
    I wish you the best
    And
    Please take care of you!

    Take care
    Bette

  7. #7
    Ricky71 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Allied70 View Post
    Hello everyone. I am hoping for some reassurance I suppose. Reassurance that I did the right thing.

    I apologize in advance for the length of this post.

    I am engaged to be married and living with my fiancé (he is in his 40's). In January of this year I discovered that he was purchasing (he does not have a prescription) and taking Hydrocodone. His dealers are others who take them and they all work at the same huge company. Easy access.

    He is what I guess you would call a high functioning pill addict. He works in a professional environment, goes to work every day (though late at least once per week), has a nice home, car. His finances I have discovered are bad - he has a ton of debt and pays too much for his home and car - "appearances" I guess. He works a lot and goes to work and comes home. Doesn't go out or anything. But he works with his dealers so he doesn't have to go anywhere other than work I suppose.

    When I confronted him in January he became very angry with me and denied it. I found a bottle of pills in an OTC bottle and he admitted it and promised to stop. Swore on everything and everyone. I believe he did quit but not for long. He just hid it much better. I never found pills again. However, I can see it all over his face and in how he acts. Eyes darting around, itchy face, nose, ears. Fidgety, falls asleep fast and hard, hard to wake up. I am not stupid. Then, I saw where he was calling a new person often - also someone at his company. I believe he changed to a new person since I knew the names of the other two he was calling/purchasing from. I never confronted him with this information. I don't know why. I think I didn't want him to know I was looking at his phone. Or maybe *I* was in denial. I didn't want to believe it. And because I didn't see any pills (believe me I have looked and looked), I would talk myself out of the possiblity that he was using again.

    I also discovered that he is in serious debt (mostly cash loans) and is overdrawn in his account almost every month, returned checks, paying bills very late, lying to people about why he's late (I've been out of town - lie, My paycheck was short but I am having it corrected - lie). He often goes to ATMs and withdrawals $100 to $200 a couple times a week. He goes to random ATMs too not his bank so racks up fees weekly. He works on commission so one of his checks does vary and according to him it's been lower than normal the last few months (which is the reason he has been overdrawn he says).

    Two nights ago he asked me for money. Said he paid all his bills and was out of cash. He was paid two days prior. I did see all he paid (he showed me his checking account statement for the last month) and he had paid his bills. His check was lower due to being overdrawn (by a lot) so his check was smaller than usual. I told him I would go online and pay a bill for him and he said all bills were paid he just needed cash to get by until next pay day. I said I already purchased groceries and would put gas in his car. That was the end of that conversation until the next day.

    We were texting while he as at work about finances and he asked again to borrow some money and I told him I would help out but need to know what I am paying instead of just giving him a wad of cash. He started getting agitated with me so I told him that I was worried to give him cash to assist in his pill purchases and he went off! He was furious! He said he stopped taking them a few months ago like he told me he had. I said that I believed he was still taking them. He said of all things I could have said this is the worst as he has worked so hard to stop taking them. He told me to get the f out and he is sick of my accusations and not trusting him and we are finished. I left before he got home from work.

    He sent several more texts that evening cursing me out. He said he made a terrible mistake thinking I trusted and believed in him. He says I f'd everything up again and went too far this time and that's it's definitely over for good. He will not stand for my false accusations anymore. He said he is so angry at me which is good because he will get over it quickly. He said I am completely wrong in believing the BS in my mind. You must leave he says. He said he has never been with anyone like me who calls him a liar and tells him he is doing things he isn't - he said I am nuts. He said I don't know him at all, I ruined everything, I destroyed our relationship. He said it's disappointing that I am ending this over the belief that he is still taking pills when its the furthest thing from the truth. He hopes my decision haunts me forever. He said I haven't been given any reason to believe he is taking pills again. Then he says, YOU have a problem. You need help, goodbye. Followed by, have a nice life, it was fun while it lasted.

    And that's the last I heard from him (last night). Last time I left he texted me non-stop and finally convinced me to come home. That was when he admitted though that he did take them and that he would stop. Now he is just done with me. And he thinks I left because he asked me to borrow money. Not because I believe he is taking pills.

    I will wait until he is gone to work and will start getting the rest of what I can out of his house. I know it's really over this time. And it hurts.

    Sorry to share that entire story to get to what I am asking for here.

    He has made me think that I am crazy and dreaming it all up in my head. I love everything about my fiancé except this. We were madly in love. I hate that he has this problem, doesn't think it is a problem and that he would let me walk away instead of fixing it. It makes me sick. I am staying at my parents now. I will have to find a place to live though they said I can stay however long I need to. I am still beating myself up and going back and forth in my head about whether I blew this out of proportion and he isn't lying.

    Truth is I haven't been able to fully trust him since the last time. Lord knows I tried. But then I started to see the signs in his behavior. I turned a blind for a long time. I saw numerous calls in such a short period of time to his new dealer every other day or so and would see texts from the same person saying he was a in a meeting and would call him when out. My fiancé must have called him looking for more. He quit texting about it knowing I had read his texts before and would start calling his dealer instead. I looked at his call log so that's how I know he contacted him.

    When he asked for money though I just couldn't hold it in any longer. And now here we are. Based on what I have written and any of your experiences, do I sound like a crazy person who is wrong and out of line?

    I am so heartbroken. I hope I didn't make a terrible mistake.
    Allied - I highly recommend that you go back and re-read the original thread that you started back in April if you haven't done so already? https://www.drugs.com/forum/prescrip...one-71009.html

    I think if you read every post from that older thread it will put a lot of things in perspective for you now? I'm sorry you have to continue to go through this, you don't deserve it and this is not your fault! I wish you well! Take care... God bless us all!

  8. #8
    Allied70 is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ricky71 View Post
    Allied - I highly recommend that you go back and re-read the original thread that you started back in April if you haven't done so already? https://www.drugs.com/forum/prescrip...one-71009.html

    I think if you read every post from that older thread it will put a lot of things in perspective for you now? I'm sorry you have to continue to go through this, you don't deserve it and this is not your fault! I wish you well! Take care... God bless us all!
    Thank you!! I'm definitely going to do that! I tried to find it to add to it but couldn't.

    Thank you everyone. Your responses have helped me beyond measure. We've texted a few times today and he insists that I made up that he's still taking to pills as an excuse to leave him when he says the truth is I didn't want to help him pay bills! I tried again to explain to him that I went back to him last time because I truly thought he would change and that we would be okay. He insists he hasn't taken an F'n pill in 4 months. I told him when I promised him that I would help him I meant it and here is what I got back from him.

    I didn't ask you to help me, I just asked you to help us! I NEVER asked you to help or pay my bills! I asked you if you could help with anything to help OUR bills and you choose to turn it into me asking you to borrow money to buy pills! Which I DON'T (insert F word) DO AND ULTIMATELY IS T H E REASON I'M telling you to (insert F word) off! Can't deal with it anymore and therfore good bye and I'm cool with it!

    That text has completely crushed my entire spirit. I'm a mess. I thought he loved me. I feel like the biggest idiot. Heartbroken.

  9. #9
    Allied70 is offline Junior Member
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    I've been receiving numerous texts about how f'd up I am. He has pointed out all of my faults and I guess expressed how he truly feels about me. I haven't replied to any of these.


    He accidentally text me but meant it for someone else. Asking if they still needed a place to say because "I just kicked my girl out". He said he was at a bar so I'm assuming he's trashed. A mutual friend told me he has text his ex-wife telling her that he regrets the mistakes he made with her and that he thinks of her every single day.

    Time for me to throw up now. I did nothing to deserve any of this. I was so so good to this man. I'm so dissapointed in myself. I cannot believe that I was going to marry this man. My heart cannot take much more.

  10. #10
    Ricky71 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Allied70 View Post
    I've been receiving numerous texts about how f'd up I am. He has pointed out all of my faults and I guess expressed how he truly feels about me. I haven't replied to any of these.


    He accidentally text me but meant it for someone else. Asking if they still needed a place to say because "I just kicked my girl out". He said he was at a bar so I'm assuming he's trashed. A mutual friend told me he has text his ex-wife telling her that he regrets the mistakes he made with her and that he thinks of her every single day.

    Time for me to throw up now. I did nothing to deserve any of this. I was so so good to this man. I'm so dissapointed in myself. I cannot believe that I was going to marry this man. My heart cannot take much more.
    Live and learn as the say! I know it sux right now but this is your time to move on! He is showing his true colors, he doesn't deserve you and you definitely don't need him! This is my opinion of course but you've had enough pain and heartbreak, get out and don't look back! I hope you find the strength and courage to free yourself of this negative relationship! I promise you'll come out of this a much better and happier person! Be strong! God bless us all!

    PS
    This has been going on long enough don't you think? I'm afraid that this pattern can and probably will continue and may very well get worse?

  11. #11
    Allied70 is offline Junior Member
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    Thank you Ricky!! There is no way in he** I could ever be with him after today! No way! My friend is helping me get as much of my things out as possible tomorrow. I'll get what's left on Friday. I'm not responding to him ever again. I'm so disappointed in him but mostly myself.

    Thank you so much for replying! Thank goodness I didn't marry him! It'll be tough getting over him but he's making it easier with this last barrage of texts he's sent me.

    Thank you again!!

  12. #12
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    hi there..
    I don't believe that text to you about kicking his girlfriend out
    Was an accident.
    He meant you to get out..
    With an addict in active addiction every move
    Every thought is calculated..

    I would just block him
    You don't deserve any of this..
    Even though you are not responding..
    You really don't need to read that abusive crapppp!
    Thank god you are removing your daughter..


    You are doing the right thing!
    Bette

  13. #13
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    hi there..
    I don't believe that text to you about kicking his girlfriend out
    Was an accident.
    He meant you to get it and see it..
    With an addict in active addiction every move
    Every thought is calculated..

    I would just block him
    You don't deserve any of this..
    Even though you are not responding..
    You really don't need to read that abusive crapppp!
    Thank god you are removing your daughter..


    You are doing the right thing!
    Bette

  14. #14
    Allied70 is offline Junior Member
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    Thanks Bette! I will block him as soon as I get the rest of my things out and my dog at a later date. Have to leave the poor thing there until I get a place.

    My stomach is in knots. I didn't sleep all night with anxiety and his stupid texts. I'm just sick over all of this.

    If he admitted it and got help I would've supported him 100% and he knows it. He refuses to though, pride and all.

    I talked to his mom this morning and she told me that he told her that he asked me for money for bills and I threw his "previous pill use" in his face so we broke up.

    Ugh

  15. #15
    Smilingstorm is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Iluv2smile View Post
    hi there..
    I don't believe that text to you about kicking his girlfriend out
    Was an accident.
    He meant you to get it and see it..
    With an addict in active addiction every move
    Every thought is calculated..

    I would just block him
    You don't deserve any of this..
    Even though you are not responding..
    You really don't need to read that abusive crapppp!
    Thank god you are removing your daughter..


    You are doing the right thing!
    Bette
    This ^^^. She hit the nail on the head.

  16. #16
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    The poor dog..
    Hope fully he takes better care of the dog than of himself!

    Most addicts do!
    Bette

  17. #17
    Allied70 is offline Junior Member
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    Quick update: I got most of my things out. He's furious that I moved so much out already. I got a new storage unit and my best friend helped me fill it up yesterday. I have so much more to get so will be going back today while he's working. He still adamantly denies he has taking anything since April but I'm no fool. Or am I? I keep questioning myself since I haven't seen proof - only his behaviors which makes me think he is. I know that my seeing no proof (pills) only means he is hiding them better. I just wish I had 100% solid evidence. He wants me to come over tonight to talk. I have not seen him since I left or talked to him - except through text a few times. He is so angry at me for not believing him, lol. He has said several times he would take a drug test to prove me wrong. I have been thinking about showing up with one to call his bluff but I don't know if I should. For my own peace of mind perhaps, I just don't know. I have a feeling if I did he would say, I did say I would take one, but I didn't mean today.

    Thanks for all of your support. It's very hard to not let him get into my head. I'm a basket case.

    I'll be apartment shopping early next week and I am actually looking forward to it as is my child.
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  18. #18
    Allied70 is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Iluv2smile View Post
    The poor dog..
    Hope fully he takes better care of the dog than of himself!

    Most addicts do!
    Bette

    I have been going over while he is at work and hanging out with my dog. She is the best! I'm only 5 minutes away. It seems I will be getting my own place much quicker than planned so I will have her home with me soon.
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  19. #19
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    Bring a drug test ..
    Just for your own peace of mind..

    So what if he wasn't using at that moment?

    Do you really want to live your life going through this craaaappp forever?

    Even though I am a recovering addict
    The things we put people through is just insane..

    This is not normal behavior
    You know that right? Lol



    I would definitely take a drug test over there ..
    You will be able to tall how he responds to you having it..

    Make sure he doesn't have any body else's urine to use ..

    Sounds gross
    But desperate people
    Do desperate things!

    Watch him pee in the cup..
    You have too!

    Bette


    You have your whole life ahead of you!
    Go for it ..
    Plus you are being a good example for your child..
    Believe me they know something is not right!
    Last edited by Anonymous; 07-15-2016 at 12:01 PM.

  20. #20
    Allied70 is offline Junior Member
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    OK, I will take one over there. Any suggestions on which kind to get? I'm sure I can figure it out or ask pharmacist.

    He's a g a m b l i n g man. He will either say, f it, give it to me or not today. Then I'll know. Also, I know he would try to dilute it so I will definitely watch him. And YES I do know this is not normal, lol. I don't want to live this way but peace of mine will help me so much.

    I'm assuming if he popped a pill this morning that it would show up. I'm going to do it. He will be working late but I will go over and ask him if he would be willing to take a drug test and if he says yes then I will pull the test out and see what happens! I'm nervous but it has to be done. I'll update either late tonight or tomorrow.

    Thanks for your reply!!
    Last edited by Anonymous; 07-15-2016 at 12:24 PM.
    Iluv2smile likes this.

  21. #21
    Tucker63 is offline Banned
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    At the risk of being blunt, why are you bothering? Your first priority should be your child not some lying moron. Look at the things he said to you! Contacting his ex-wife?? And you want to give this guy a chance??? Think of your child and walk away.

  22. #22
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    I don't think she wants to give him another chance
    She is just questioning her own feelings
    Which I get..
    Addicts can be so manipulative ( me included)

    They can make you think your are crazy ..
    I think she just wants to be assured that she was right.

    But right or wrong I don't think she is going back..

    She realizes that this is insane and no way to live.
    Plus she loves him and that makes it tough!

    I know allied you can read this I just want to support you ..

    Because I have been both
    The addict
    And the one in love with an addict!

    It can sux!
    You are doing the right thing by taking care of you and your daughter!
    Bette
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  23. #23
    Tucker63 is offline Banned
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    I realize my post sounded harsh. I do understand her feelings for this person but he sounds like, not only an addict, but verbally abusive. The reason I asked 'why are you bothering?' Is because it would seem to me, at this point, the trust is nonexistent. When trust is gone, why would you continue with him in any way? I read your posts from April, it is now July, do you any to be writing the same thing in October? You will be teaching your daughter that it's 'okay' to be spoken to in an abusivr manner (because it will continue) and that it's 'okay' to be lied to. Addiction is one thing, abuse is two things, and increases the odds against you. If you marry this guy, his debt is your debt. Going to talk, giving a drug test, is just prolonging things. And why? I mean no disrespect but your daughter is number one. Period.

  24. #24
    Allied70 is offline Junior Member
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    Thank you Bette!!

    Tucker, exactly what Bette said and it really is for my own peace of mind. The verbal abuse was via text and he's never done or said anything in front of my child. My child is with my ex husband for part of the summer and I would never ever subject a child to this.

    The manipulation and lies are admittedly getting the best of me. I want to know without a doubt for my sanity - because he does try to make me think it's all in my head - I just do.

    I will not move back in. I'm almost completely out. The things he's said to me are absolutely unacceptable. He has major anger issues and unresolved pain from the loss of young child - I'm not excusing his behavior one bit. It's not up to me to fix him but I do want to know if he will submit to a drug screen and if so if it's positive or not. I'm not doing it to determine if I stay or go. I'm already gone.

    I appreciate your reply, I do. I like harsh/blunt/the ugly truth thrown in face. It helps! My best friend has said all the same things.

    I'm a nervous wreck about seeing him tonight though. I haven't even brought up that I know about him contacting the ex yet.

    I did re-read my other thread. Cringeworthy. And no, I absolutely will not be back here starting another thread about this in October.

    Thanks again!

  25. #25
    Tucker63 is offline Banned
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    I understand. Do what you think is right. Food for thought: why would anything he says or doesn't say; does or doesn't do; takes a drug test or doesn't take a drug test, have any impact on whether you are sane or not?

  26. #26
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    I don't think she meant literally sane or not.

    I think just to know that her suspicions were correct.
    Idk if you Tucker are an addict or if you have ever dealt with an addict
    They can be pretty darn convincing ..

    I would want to know too..
    Just for the record in my head.
    I have no doubt as to whether I am sane or not!


    It just gives you confirmation of your feelings
    Which can definely be all over the place
    When love is involved..
    Bette

  27. #27
    Ricky71 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Allied70 View Post
    Thank you Bette!!

    Tucker, exactly what Bette said and it really is for my own peace of mind. The verbal abuse was via text and he's never done or said anything in front of my child. My child is with my ex husband for part of the summer and I would never ever subject a child to this.

    The manipulation and lies are admittedly getting the best of me. I want to know without a doubt for my sanity - because he does try to make me think it's all in my head - I just do.

    I will not move back in. I'm almost completely out. The things he's said to me are absolutely unacceptable. He has major anger issues and unresolved pain from the loss of young child - I'm not excusing his behavior one bit. It's not up to me to fix him but I do want to know if he will submit to a drug screen and if so if it's positive or not. I'm not doing it to determine if I stay or go. I'm already gone.

    I appreciate your reply, I do. I like harsh/blunt/the ugly truth thrown in face. It helps! My best friend has said all the same things.

    I'm a nervous wreck about seeing him tonight though. I haven't even brought up that I know about him contacting the ex yet.

    I did re-read my other thread. Cringeworthy. And no, I absolutely will not be back here starting another thread about this in October.

    Thanks again!
    I get the fact that you want to give him this drug test for your peace of mind but it may come up clean? I thought I wrote you a post earlier on the this subject but maybe it was somebody else cause I can't find it now? Opiates are out of your system in three days and even faster if you drink tons of water and/or drink detox tea! People beat these tests all the time, they even go as far as using somebody else's urine! Just be prepared that if the test come up negative that it doesn't mean he wasn't doing opiates just a few days ago? Good luck! Update when you can? God bless us all!

  28. #28
    Allied70 is offline Junior Member
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    Bette for the win again!!

    When I think about actually asking him to submit to a drug test it makes me feel like his parent and uncomfortable and I don't really want to do it. I'm getting one anyway to have on hand because I know he'll ask what he can do to prove it to me.

    I feel pretty pathetic for even typing what I just did above.

  29. #29
    Tucker63 is offline Banned
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    Perhaps the point I was trying to make was if you have already decided you're done with him, why are you going to see him and why are you bothering with a blood test? I won't say anymore, maybe what I mean to say is not coming across. Just my opinion, but I would just walk.

  30. #30
    Allied70 is offline Junior Member
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    No, I hear you. It's a standard pee test. I hope no blood is drawn! Kidding!

    I completely understand you. While I've had my suspicions that he's back at it, I have no solid proof. You are correct in that it does not matter as far as helping me to make a decision because it's already made. I just want to prove to myself that I wasn't being overly paranoid.
    Iluv2smile likes this.

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