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Starting Day 10....... Again.......Suggestions
  1. #1
    chart38 is offline Junior Member
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    Default Starting Day 10....... Again.......Suggestions

    So I can skip ahead as the backstory is very similar to most. Started taking pills primarily for recreational use 10+ years ago. Been down this road 3 or 4 times since.

    This has been by far the worst CT detox ever. (Keep in mind I was taking higher doses of straight oxy to spare my liver the app) I did not sleep or eat for nearly 5 days. I was on the verge of total insanity and god gave me a break and have been repairing everyday since, Starting day 10 today and have to say that although the detox was probably the most aggressive I've ever dealt with it is also is the most forgiving in terms of duration. There has been a significant improvement ever day. I am very lucky for this I know,. I also want to say for anyone going through this if you think you are about to give up, try harder, its right there. ITS WORTH IT!!


    So what I don't understand and plan on seeking help with is why am I here again. I was on this very forum 2 years ago in trouble with my wife, in trouble with life, and had promised myself I would not be here again, and well you know the ending.

    I have an appointment on Thursday with an addiction pysch and rehab therapist to help identify my shortfalls. I am very mad at myself and feel terrible for my wife who as continually stayed by me through each and every time. Wasting our families time. I want it to be gone forever..


    Anyone have any suggestions?????
    Last edited by Anonymous; 06-02-2018 at 06:09 AM.

  2. #2
    Longgone2008 is offline Member
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    I dont really have an answer for you except to say I want to know the same thing.

    My addiction started after a surgery 2.5 years ago but this has been the millionth relapse I swear. I have been a horrible wife and mother. I dont know why I have turned back again and again.

    My belief is that I want to be in control and be superwoman. When I use I have energy and can get everything done and be focused.... until it falls apart. The money runs out, the dealer is out, etc... then I go through the wds and swear that I am not going back... until I do.

    For me this time wasn't about the money or the dealer it was my daughter asking me why I'm always sick. It's about the arguments with my husband. It's about time I feel all the >>>> I have been avoiding and numbing myself to for the past 2.5 years. It's about finally wanting to be healthy and "feel good" for real.
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  3. #3
    chart38 is offline Junior Member
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    I couldnt agree more. I have wasted so much precious time and nearly exhausted my wife. I often wonder where i would be without her and our 4 beautiful children. Had a family graduation yesterday that helped the day go by but today i have terrible anxiety. I know its natures course and it will subside.

    I have to figure out a way to get this out of my life forever. The guilt and worrying just isnt worth it.

    It is day 11 and hopefully tomorrow will bring improvement.

    Take care.

  4. #4
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Advanced Member
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    Hey chart. Welcome back. Sorry It's under these circumstances though. Congratulations on 11 days clean!! You're doing great. So what are we gonna do differently this time so this can be the last time? I see that you have a meeting with an addiction therapist. That's great!! I'm sure they will help you identify what's going on and hopefully have suggestions for you. There's also AA/NA one addict helping another. Face to face support from others who have been right where you are will help you and give you the tools and accountability to be successful.

    Other than that just keep doing what you're doing. It a process but at 11 days you should be getting better by the day. There will be good days and bad days for sure but hang on to the good ones and know that what you're going through is only temporary. It will pass in time.

    Keep your head up. You can do this!!
    Have a great night!
    Beef

  5. #5
    chart38 is offline Junior Member
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    Thanks Beef. I appreciate all kind words at this point. As you said i am thoroughly enjoying the good days and fighting through the bad. Im actually quite excited to talk to someone about this because my marriage certainly wont make it through another bout of this. To be honest im not sure if it will survive this round but i have to worry about making myself better and being the best person that i can be in the process.

    I am going to go through all options until we discover why we are back here.

    Thanks again. Have a great week!!
    Last edited by Anonymous; 06-03-2018 at 08:35 PM.
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  6. #6
    chart38 is offline Junior Member
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    Day 12 Bye!! It was a ridiculously busy work day which help make the time go by. I took Ativan for some rest last night and did manage to get about 4 straight hours which is good. Did had a very strange and mentally slow morning. Not sure if it was from the Ativan or just another cloudy recovery day. Going to try to sleep without it tonight which I know is asking a lot but want to see how I feel in the morning.

    Looking forward to meeting with therapist on Thursday to see what they can offer and hopefully give me the strength that I am seeking to NEVER do this again.

    As stated in earlier posts the detox was as bad as I could imagine but overall feel like I'm going to get through at this point.

    Good luck to everyone on here reading and going through this. It is hard but very doable. The mind is an amazing thing. it can play awful tricks on you through all of this but I don know that the other side is well worth it and waiting form me, my kids, and hopefully my wife.

  7. #7
    chart38 is offline Junior Member
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    So I had an appointment with therapist and psych and turned out to be a glorified methadone clinic. Although what they were telling made since, they were adamant that the only way to cure this for good is to go on suboxone for a minimum of 2 years. I just don't know about that.....

    From everything I have read on here and researched this has a lot of consequences as well. I feel that it is a simple legal replacement for something that I really want to be rid of for good.


    Has anyone had any good or bad experience with Suboxone?

    Would be very curious to hear....

    Day 16 gone. Feeling very lethargic today and feels like I'm going backwards but I guess its all part of the process....
    Last edited by Anonymous; 06-08-2018 at 11:48 AM.

  8. #8
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Advanced Member
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    Hey chart. Congratulations on day 16. I was on suboxone for a very long 5 years at a rediculous dosage of 16mg/day. I didn't really know anything about the medicine. I just trusted that my Dr knew what he was doing. Turns out he didnt. I certainly wouldn't say I had a bad experience with suboxone. It allowed me to live a semi normal life and curb my addictive thoughts and behaviors. I wouldn't say it saved my life but it definately had a hand in it. But being on subs long term poses a number of other health issues. They are a great tool if used properly. And most sub docs just do what big pharma has taught them to do, keep patients on it for a long time at rediculous doses.

    So that's my take on subs. Double edged sword I suppose. It can definately help get off whatever you're on, however they are a real bear to get off of themselves.

    Don't worry about going backward a day. It's part of the process and it happens. You're gonna have good days and bad days. The good ones are gonna start coming more frequently, and the bad ones will slowly start to diminish.

    Gotta run. But I'll be back.

    Stay with it. You're doing great.
    Beef

  9. #9
    froggy_069 is offline Member
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    Hey chart!

    Congrats on your clean time so far, awesome job!

    I guess what I don't like about the advice they gave you is the part about "to cure this for good." There is no cure. There are plenty of tools and aides to assist you in getting off the junk (suboxone being one) but the only real cure lies within you. Once an addict, always an addict. You'll definitely get past the physical part of this and every day will eventually be better than the last. The mental part however can be formidable for some. Heck, this is your 2nd time around, no? I've personally relapsed so many times that I've lost count, it's not hard to do. Once you get it into your head that you're going to use, that's it, there is no pill or anything else that will take away that desire or craving when it comes around, and it will. How you act on that craving is what makes the difference. If you want this bad enough, you got this, that's all there is to it.

    So you're clean now for how many days? You're past the hardest part! Why go backwards? Going onto subs may help some in the short term depending on your situation but you won't want to stay on them long and they're a real bear to come off of. Once you're off, the cravings will still come and go. Handle it!

    You got this my man, just keep doing what you're doing, one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, and gitter' done!

    Proud of you!

    ~ Froggy
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  10. #10
    chart38 is offline Junior Member
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    All words are very much appreciated. I have decided to not go the suboxone route and scheduled a consult with an outpatient program to see what they have to offer. I will be glad when this day (17) is over and on to a new one. The last couple days have been really rough but i am starting to feel that sense of self control that i have been lacking for a few months.

    The best part is my wife talked with me last night. I was feeling really >>>>>> but it made me feel so good to talk to her and tell her what is going on. I have made a wonderful life very very difficult for her and will probably alwayd carry that weight to some degrew but if i can keep her and my family it is more that i deserve right now and a huge motivator to keep putting one foot in front of the other and make this the last time!!

    I am still seeking help in terms of some insurance to channel the sensation and manage triggers. I was clean in January and screwed up after 15 months. I have to leave that in the past and give my family everything i have to offer.

    Thanks again beef and froggy for your input. I am going to do this!!
    Last edited by Anonymous; 06-08-2018 at 04:32 PM.

  11. #11
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Advanced Member
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    I'm glad you're not gonna go the sub route. Now that you're 16 almost 17 days clean. Brighter days are in store for you. You may have a setback here or there but remember it's only temporary. You'll begin to turn the corner and feel better all around. Remember why you're doing this in the first place. And keep doing the next right thing.

    Keep your head up
    Beef
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  12. #12
    chart38 is offline Junior Member
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    The major difference i notice this time around is although im feeling really crummy and anxiety is through the roof I am t
    ruly happy inside. Im happy to have a home and wife and family and another chance that i probably dont deserve.

    I have to somehow keep that feeling forever.
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  13. #13
    froggy_069 is offline Member
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    Ditto what Beef said, I'm glad you're not going the sub route!

    Definitely hold onto that feeling because family is everything! My daughter is the one thing that has kept me on the right path, she's the one thing that I will always love more than any drug! I had another member here tell me to pretend that if I used even one more time, I would never see my daughter again. It ran true for me because I didn't really have to pretend. Overdose was real possibility for me every day. Not only that but had I kept down that path who knows what could have happened? Lose my job, family abandon me, etc. I suppose anything would have been possible. Use that love you have for your family to keep you grounded and on the right path. Is there anything worth losing your family over?

    You got this man! Keep up the great work!

    ~ Froggy
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  14. #14
    Autumnhopes is offline Member
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    Yes I agree with everyone here! When I went through my first detox. It was 3 weeks but it passed & the light slowly came in & everything was brighter then before. Every detox since then has been harder but I know for us opioid addicts we are always an addict. But that doesn’t mean we have to give in!!!

    You are doing amazing! Keep it up... the light is getting brighter & brighter!
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  15. #15
    froggy_069 is offline Member
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    Happy Saturday bud! 17 days, woo hoo!

    ~ Froggy
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  16. #16
    chart38 is offline Junior Member
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    Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Not a great day but they are coming!!!
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  17. #17
    chart38 is offline Junior Member
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    DAY 20!!!!

    Not sure why but still feels like I am going the wrong direction in terms of energy and overall feeling.

    I am constantly reminding myself of what days 2 - 5 were like this time, last time, etc... The RLS and curling up in a ball and no sleep whatsoever..... That usually helps me through the day for now. I know this routine all to well and am prying that I can get some energy back one of these days and start contributing more to my family. Coffee and Caffeine seem to have no effect and then a crash at the end.

    Probably sounds like a bunch of whining. I know that I am luck and all of this definitely could be worse. My wife is still there and I am clean. I know that this cloud will lift and I have to be patient.

    I am going to do this for good. Good Luck to all.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 06-11-2018 at 03:43 PM.

  18. #18
    chart38 is offline Junior Member
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    Also...... Newest psych dr prescribed doxepin for sleep. Has anyone ever used it for any reason? I thinks it is an antidepressant and the research that I have done does not show it to have alt of dependence problems.

    Curious if anyone has any kind of feedback.....

  19. #19
    froggy_069 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by chart38 View Post
    Also...... Newest psych dr prescribed doxepin for sleep. Has anyone ever used it for any reason? I thinks it is an antidepressant and the research that I have done does not show it to have alt of dependence problems.

    Curious if anyone has any kind of feedback.....
    I wish I knew more about it. I take trazadone and seroquil myself. Obviously be on the look out for anything habit forming, that goes without saying. Having sleep issues I assume? I suffered from insomnia even long before getting clean so it's always been an issue for me.

    ~ Froggy

  20. #20
    chart38 is offline Junior Member
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    Have had sleep issues for a long time. Its hard to be sure but I am relatively certain that the insomnia started before the pills and then add a handful of withdrawal/detox sessions on top of it and game over. No sleep for me.

    The thing is I have been taking an Ativan every couple of nights to get a few hours worth of sleep. As you all probably know it is extremely addictive and not made for more than a 3 week shot so I am going to take the doxepin tonight and hopefully throw the Ativan in the garbage before it becomes the next problem.

    All accounts claim that the doxepin is non addictive so I think I'm safe there just praying that it works.

    Another day almost behind me...……. Heres to tomorrow.

  21. #21
    froggy_069 is offline Member
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    I hear ya' with the sleep issues, especially when transitioning off the opiates. Even with meds it took for what seemed like ever to get back to a somewhat normal sleep schedule. I hope this med makes a difference for you and you can catch some good zzz's, if not you can ask about the Seroquel, it's non habit forming and extremely effective . Been through many different meds trying to find something that works before I landed on that and it much such a difference it was life changing!

  22. #22
    chart38 is offline Junior Member
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    Well that clearly wasn't the answer. Had very internment sleep, some very strange dreams when I was sleeping and very very hard to get out of bed today.

    I guess this is just another reminder of what I have actually done to my body again. I am struggling to say the least but It has to turn a corner pretty soon.

    Staying very busy is good but would give anything for a boost of energy. There is a demon in there that is still requesting the fix all but I will not let it win.... I am going to beat it this time!!!

    Thanks again to all that are supporting this and good luck to everyone trying to beat it. Its a bear but I know it can be done!!
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  23. #23
    chart38 is offline Junior Member
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    Finishing up day 23. I think if I could get a few more hours of sleep it would make everything just a little better. I should not complain as I have made this a long journey and may it be painfully slow I think the fog is starting to lift.

    I made appointment with a new Psych today. Unfortunately it isn't until July 26th but I know the guy is extremely good and probably what I need to defeat this forever.

    Took some Benadryl last night as I went to bed at approximately 2AM and had to be up at 6. Slept til 5 :-(

    Seem to be entering the stage that just requires one foot in front of the other for a while. the Detox is done and the realty of the rest is now in front of me. I don't like it but I recognize it. Just like every other time I have done this I stumbled across one single pill that just had to test me. After all I have put myself and family through it was still tempting. I did flush it without a lot of thought but was a very quick reminder of how powerful those damn little pills are. That is what I need to prepare for the future. I know that now and will continually remind myself of what it has done behind me without dwelling on it.

    It will come. Trying to acknowledge the good things that are happening. Once again I come back to. I am Clean, I am healthy, I have a wife and kids that are still with me. That is motivation enough. Tomorrow is a new Day!! God Bless!!
    Last edited by Anonymous; 06-14-2018 at 06:34 PM.
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  24. #24
    chart38 is offline Junior Member
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    Day 26 is fathers day! I am super happy to be at home with my family but when reading fathers day cards and receiving gifts from wife and kids i have an overpowering feeling of guilt.

    Want my life back. Want to sleep and be productive. Struggling.......

  25. #25
    chart38 is offline Junior Member
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    Last couple days have brought on a nasty depression. Didnt get out of bed until 10:00 today and it wasnt because i was sleeping. I have got to find some energy very soon. I keep trying to think of tbe positives but they do not give me the same energy as they have.

    I am nearing one month clean and have to say my mood and overall well being are getting worse each day. I have tried exercising but that seemed to just increase anxiety. Maybe i need to seek some professional help again. Im scheduled for the end of July but i really dont think my career or matriage will make it that long.

    I have done this before and i know i can do it again. I just dont ever remember feeling this dark at this point.

    Any suggestions.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 06-18-2018 at 12:04 PM.

  26. #26
    Sinthetiks1222 is offline Junior Member
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    For me it has been hobbies and work. I'm a chef so the hours are long and tough. This keeps me busy enough. During the first month if it had not been for that I would have gone nuts.

    I am also an avid gamer and I spoiled myself for getting clean and bought myself a ps4. God knows I would never have been able to afford it while still on the subs. So I stay busy with that as well. I never thought while I was using that this advice to stay busy really meant anything. But now I can say emphatically that it is super important. Find things you enjoy and go all out. Lose yourself in those things. The days go faster and before you know it you are 2 months. 3 months. 4 months. Etc.

    You Can do this. Remember that your freedom has no price. Remember the horrible pain of withdrawal and use that to fuel your drive to NEVER go back to that.

  27. #27
    chart38 is offline Junior Member
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    Thank you for the advice. I. am not going back no matter what happens, i am just praying that i dont completely lose my mind in the process. I have read and been told several times that every time a person goes through this it gets worse. I can say whole heartidly that i agree with that.

    Im praying that this will give me a break and am trying to get my but moving. I am a firm believer in mind over matter. Matter won today but i am going to make a stronger run at it romorrow. Chalking it up to a sick day. One month is coming on wednesday. Right now i am truly celebrating every day that is behind me.

    Im not giving up ever. Just hoping for better days. Good luck all!!

  28. #28
    OKC-26 is offline Member
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    Right around 1 month clean I felt the same way. Always tired. Couldn’t find joy in anything. Very little interest in anything. It didn’t matter if I had T-bone steak for dinner or ramen noodles. I’m sure you’re tired of hearing this, it will get better. Keep moving forward and crossing clean days off the calander. Find something you’re REALLY interested in. Something you really really like to do. Keep pushing forward and you’ll make it through this. You’re doing great keep it up!

  29. #29
    chart38 is offline Junior Member
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    Thank you again. Im actually not at all tired of hearing the fact that it gets better. I know that to be true, have lived it, and somehow it still helps to hear from others who have been there. The biggest difference that keeps me feeling horrible is that my wife isnt there yet. Ive done this to her so many times that i surely dont blame her but if i could get her back on board it would helo do some family activities and get our life back.

    The good news is she is with me and i do know that she is trying but i have caused some serious damage thats going to take time as well. Just a very very hard stage of this miserable process. Inside there is still some optimism its jyst getting fogged by the bad right now.

    Tomorrow is a new day and i was lucky enough to be able to waste today. I do appreciate the kind words.

    God bless!!
    Last edited by Anonymous; 06-18-2018 at 05:12 PM.
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  30. #30
    chart38 is offline Junior Member
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    Sorry if annoying anyone but had a decent nights sleep and a good day. I felt as though it were only fair to anyone else struggling to share that there are good days too. Not just the whining that I have been doing the last couple of days. Feels like a giant leap from the past few days especially yesterday when it took all of the energy I had just to get out of bed. A step in the right direction for sure.

    I was incredibly busy and was gone from 5:30 Am to 10:30 PM but is so worth it when I can half way focus and feel like I can think on my own.

    Feels like a giant victory. I know that there will be setbacks in the near future but Ill take the good days when I can get them at this point. Was the glimmer of light that I desperately needed at this point.


    Have a good week everyone...…...
    Last edited by Anonymous; 06-19-2018 at 10:36 PM.
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