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Suboxone Once Helped Me, Now It's Hurting Me
  1. #1
    Miss_Rebecca is offline New Member
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    Default Suboxone Once Helped Me, Now It's Hurting Me

    Suboxone has been a part of my life for over 6 years. I love it and hate it at the same time. Before that, my x-husband introduced me to opiates and it eventually turned into an addiction (mainly Oxycontin and perc's). Shortly after our divorce, my x-husband (of one month) passed away from a Methadone overdose. It was extremely traumatizing for me. I got fed up with these drugs and started suboxone treatment. At the time, I thought Suboxone was a lifesaver. I was on it for almost 5 years, which is much longer than recommended. I was probably more addicted to Suboxone than I ever was to pain killers. And it was legal. I started at 16mg's a day, and 5 years later I was down to about .5mg a day.
    Coincidentally, I received a DUI 2 years ago. And one of the conditions of my probation was that I was required to get off Suboxone. Even though I was getting it legally from a Dr and did not feel ready to get off it, they did not care. So I did. I tapered off VERY slowly. Took me about 3 months of tapering before I stopped, with almost no withdrawal symptoms at all.
    Last year my probation ended. I started to miss the drug and the feeling it gave me. I knew my brother was still on it and ended up asking him just for a little bit. That was 9 months ago and I have been struggling with it ever since. I can get suboxone (for free) anytime I ask my brother. I like suboxone more than I ever even like pain killers. It last's longer and has a better high. I keep trying to stop. And I do. 2 weeks here, 2 months there, but I always seem to be coming back to it. I want to stop so bad. I don't want to rely on a drug to get me through the day.
    One of the worst parts of this is that NO ONE in the entire world, except my brother who gives me the drugs, know I am taking this drug again. My parents knew while I was taking it under my Dr's supervision, but as far as they know I have been off of it for almost a year. My boyfriend, who I live with and have been with for a year and a half, has no idea I was even an addict or ever even on Suboxone. Honestly I don't know if I will ever tell him, I'm very ashamed. The guilt I feel for taking Suboxone behind his back these past 9 months has consumed me. I feel awful lying to him. I feel like these past 9 months, Suboxone has made me a different person. I don't like myself and who I have become.
    Right now I am on day 9 of yet another attempt to try to stop. I jumped off at around 1mg a day. I am still not feeling well but the past couple days have gotten better.
    I just am really asking for some encouragement and advice to stay on the right path. I have absolutely no one to talk to about this. My brother is of no help to me because he seems to have no intention of stopping himself. I cannot tell my boyfriend about this. He will not understand what this is like, because he doesn't do drugs. He made a comment to me the other night while we were watching that TV show "Intervention". He doesn't understand addiction, and how people cant just stop. Like it's so easy. He think's their just lazy and does not believe addiction is a disease.
    I want to be someone I am proud of. I want to love myself so that others can love me too. I want to break free from this hold it has on me. At this point it is not solely a physical addiction for me. It is a mental one as well. Sometime's even more so.
    If there's anyone out there that has any advice or words of wisdom for me, it would be much appreciated. This has been a hard struggle to handle alone, and I am hoping that I stay strong and become the woman I want to be.

    "If you want to make your dreams come true, the first thing you have to do is wake up." -J.M. Power

  2. #2
    justbeingme is offline Member
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    It's great you're making a decision to quit the suboxone. I imagine it is very difficult.v. My , ex I guess, Gf has just started subs to get off 5 years of oxy's. Really curious if she wants to get high or get clean. Did you get high like pills? Would you share what you felt so I can understand? She has legit back pain I sometimes wonder how bad. Anything would be helpful if you would not mind sharing. I won't be with her on pills, not yet sure about subs yet. Thanks

  3. #3
    iloerose is offline Platinum Member
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    The best thing you can do for yourself is to get yourself to a meeting: NA or AA, Christian Recovery, Addiction Counseling. You cannot white knuckle your way through this. You know that your DOC is available at the click of your fingers. You need to get some support, face to face support in your life. Yeah, the shame of how we ended up with this disease is common. My suggestion for you is to go to the "need to talk" board and look up the thread "AskRuth" and though she has taken a hiatus from the boards, there are many, many posts there that will be helpful to you, look for ARTIST_658 and "AskRuth". Seriously, you can start a thread there as well where there is more traffic. We were all where you are. You have a disease, it can't be seen, but addicts have chemicals in the brain that are triggered by substances. However, having a disease is not an excuse: you must take active responsibility for this disease just as you would if you were diabetic. One way to do that is to hit up some meetings and get some of your feelings out where people will understand you and support you. You cannot live in fear and shame, we addicts need to learn the tools to stay clean. This is much harder than getting clean. Please get some help, read Ruth's thread. Truth is, you CAN'T handle this alone, but you CAN do this. (you might also want to start a thread on need to talk, more traffic).

    It is important to know that people DO become addicted to subs. We don't see much of it here, but are seeing more of this.

    Peace,

    Iloerose
    alexnt likes this.

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