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Suboxone withdrawal Daily Diary - need support!
  1. #121
    Rhodesy is offline Member
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    Day 27

    Another beautiful day in sobriety. It was actually a bit of a grind to get through today because of the bad weather and lack of sleep I got last night, but I'm still piecing myself back together little by little and every day is a blessing because of that. I did wake up frustrated though. I stayed up too late last night and then could not sleep for some reason. I got probably 5 hours of intermittent sleep until I finally just got up for the day. I have to make sure that doesn't turn into a habit. Staying up late. I just need to force myself to shut off the tv and go to sleep at a certain time each night. It poured here today so I wasn't able to go outside at all. I did a bunch of reading though and worked out my legs.

    I'm trying to do what I can to move on to the next chapter of my life. I feel like I'm pretty much there. I'm going to be diligent in my sobriety though. I think that's a really big aspect to not relapsing. You get cocky and feel like a million bucks or life seems to be moving along great so you figure you can smoke some weed or drink only on weekends. Then before you know it you're smoking every evening or getting drunk 3 or 4 times a week. And once that happens it's really easy to cross that line into doing pills again or whatever your substance of choice is. I think some people are able to smoke and feed the monkey so to speak, but not everyone can do it that way. If you can handle smoking here and there and it doesn't affect your goals, motivations, socializing, etc. and you never feel the urge to do anything stronger, then I think there's nothing wrong with that. The problem is that's not the way it works with most people. It's usually just a trip down the rabbit hole en route to your substance of choice. And even if you can simply stick to marijuana it often becomes an every day thing that dramatically changes the way you interact with the world. I don't think there's a one size fits all solution to recovery but I would be very leery of negotiating with that monkey. He seems to never be satisfied and giving in often lands you back to the beginning of your struggle. If you want to progress in life you have to stay sober. Find new ways to challenge yourself and expand your mental horizons. There's a lot of laughs and good times out there that are substance free. For me, I have to stay diligent every day no matter how good or bad I feel. I need to remember that staying truly sober is what's best regardless of what I might think at a singular moment. God bless.

  2. #122
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    You got it..

    Most people that relapse don't relapse back to their DOC..

    Why wouldn't we put as much energy into our recovery/ life
    That we put into using pills?

    It just doesn't make sense..
    The time and energy we put into destroying ourselves..
    Then we complain about having to go to a meeting
    Or
    Doing service..
    Honestly it is the least we can do
    Right..
    You are doing service right here ..
    Sharing your experience , strength and Hope..
    God only knows how many people read these posts and gain strength..

    Keep doing you !
    Thank you for sharing your journey!
    Bette
    Last edited by Anonymous; 06-02-2015 at 12:19 AM.
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  3. #123
    Rhodesy is offline Member
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    Day 28

    I want everyone to know that I've been feeling great and my sobriety is still in tact and doing well. I'm starting to get back in touch with my inner creativity, my inner artist. I definitely urge people to do something creative. It really gives you a sense of accomplishment when you finish something and allows you to do something you enjoy. Try something that's not in your comfort zone as well. Painting, sculpting, drawing, etc. You might be surprised with the results.

    I've also been trying to fully engage more with life without fear. Sensible fear is one thing but the irrational fear of the unknown is another entirely. Trying new things that are out of your comfort zone can spur you into something better, making you feel things never felt and think in new ways. Trying new things in a sober stress free environment is a good way to change your state of mind too. If you're fighting thoughts of depression or loneliness it can clean out those thoughts and move you into a better mental state. Now that we're sober we need to experience new things and do activities that keep our mind engaged and empowered. We can no longer just sit around and get high and be okay with melting into our couch. You continue to do that every night and you'll surely relapse. Get out and do something. Something out of your comfort zone. I know it's hard. It will pay off though. God bless.

  4. #124
    crazyfrog is offline Banned
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rhodesy View Post
    Day 28

    I want everyone to know that I've been feeling great and my sobriety is still in tact and doing well. I'm starting to get back in touch with my inner creativity, my inner artist. I definitely urge people to do something creative. It really gives you a sense of accomplishment when you finish something and allows you to do something you enjoy. Try something that's not in your comfort zone as well. Painting, sculpting, drawing, etc. You might be surprised with the results.

    I've also been trying to fully engage more with life without fear. Sensible fear is one thing but the irrational fear of the unknown is another entirely. Trying new things that are out of your comfort zone can spur you into something better, making you feel things never felt and think in new ways. Trying new things in a sober stress free environment is a good way to change your state of mind too. If you're fighting thoughts of depression or loneliness it can clean out those thoughts and move you into a better mental state. Now that we're sober we need to experience new things and do activities that keep our mind engaged and empowered. We can no longer just sit around and get high and be okay with melting into our couch. You continue to do that every night and you'll surely relapse. Get out and do something. Something out of your comfort zone. I know it's hard. It will pay off though. God bless.
    Hey Rhodesy. Glad you are still holding on. Amazing work getting off. You are always at day 30. I month clean. Like you said, at this point you are feeling so much better. Good thing you didn't see a doc to get another type of mental med. Art is nice, been doing that for the latest 4 days and it drifts me away into another land. Very relaxing.

    As you can see. . Not posting as much. I'm at 98% there. I don't even think of the part. .. days seem to just pass. But i do get at least 1 thought dirtying the day of the nice feeling opiate gave me. But it's very brief and easily brushed off . I can actually control them now. Day 33 and i personally think I'm clean and clear from the tree lines of that horrendous woods. Incredible what 1 whole month does. Sadly is the only cure to get off these things. But the fastest . I'll check up once in a while, ive gotten so many good natural highs during the day that it has begun to rival the opiate feel goods. That's a good sign. Maybe after all, all those who have recovered were not lying about feeling better sober than on the pills. :]

    since you are a gamer, maybe one day we will cross path in the virtual world.
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  5. #125
    nessi32 is offline New Member
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    Positive is what I tell myself....have faith im day 3 all three days hell!!! But 2yrs oxycotin 2 yrs h 8 yrs methadone 3 yrs suboxone.....sober is not something I have dealt with much but im doing it!! And im proud of you!
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  6. #126
    Rhodesy is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by crazyfrog View Post
    Hey Rhodesy. Glad you are still holding on. Amazing work getting off. You are always at day 30. I month clean. Like you said, at this point you are feeling so much better. Good thing you didn't see a doc to get another type of mental med. Art is nice, been doing that for the latest 4 days and it drifts me away into another land. Very relaxing.

    As you can see. . Not posting as much. I'm at 98% there. I don't even think of the part. .. days seem to just pass. But i do get at least 1 thought dirtying the day of the nice feeling opiate gave me. But it's very brief and easily brushed off . I can actually control them now. Day 33 and i personally think I'm clean and clear from the tree lines of that horrendous woods. Incredible what 1 whole month does. Sadly is the only cure to get off these things. But the fastest . I'll check up once in a while, ive gotten so many good natural highs during the day that it has begun to rival the opiate feel goods. That's a good sign. Maybe after all, all those who have recovered were not lying about feeling better sober than on the pills. :]

    since you are a gamer, maybe one day we will cross path in the virtual world.
    Thanks for checking in. Keep up the fight. I think life is a lot better sober. I just think it takes some us a lot longer to figure that out. And sadly some never figure it out and die young because of that. Keep me posted on how you're doing now and then. I'm hoping happiness is in your future.

  7. #127
    Rhodesy is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by nessi32 View Post
    Positive is what I tell myself....have faith im day 3 all three days hell!!! But 2yrs oxycotin 2 yrs h 8 yrs methadone 3 yrs suboxone.....sober is not something I have dealt with much but im doing it!! And im proud of you!
    Hang in there! It gets so much better. You're going to go through some very intense periods of doubt, anxiety and fear of what's to come. Just remember everything is temporary. What you're feeling will pass. You have not damaged yourself for life. Your mind will get clearer and the physical symptoms will evaporate in time. Remember to eat healthy and exercise. That really was a life saver for me.

  8. #128
    Rhodesy is offline Member
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    Day 29 and 30

    I've hit day 30! An entire month off suboxone. I feel pretty good too. I'm making major strides every day. I'm doing a lot to keep my mind engaged and creating new neural pathways for creativity and knowledge. I am reading a lot and doing things that bring me a sense of satisfaction. I think that once you've cleared yourself of the toxins and your brain has recovered and healed from the years of abuse, the next phase is to start training your mind to open up to new things. You can't just remain in your old patterns and expect your mind to change dramatically. You have to change up your lifestyle a bit. At least allow yourself to be open to the possibility. I think it's important to stay in a stress free environment though too, relatively speaking. You don't want to do anything that's going to be so stressful that it cause you to retreat into yourself and seek refuge in the warm bosom of narcotics or alcohol. Staying positive is key. Be sensible but absolutely be optimistic.

    I've been just readying myself for the next phase of my life I think. I think being mentally and emotionally ready for what life hands us (both good and bad) is a really important aspect of taking advantage of situations and opportunities. You have to be ready to grab what life is offering you. Be confident and secure in yourself and armed with the knowledge to know a good opportunity when it smacks you in the face. I know I'm excited for what life has in store for me. It's not all going to come up roses, but there are a lot of great moments and opportunities in life. Our addiction robs us of these moments. We need to recognize that just because we've experienced a lot of pain and heartache over the last decade (or two) doesn't mean the next decade is going to be similar. The next decade could be the greatest decade of your life. Not only do you have to be sober to reap all the benefits but don't you want to be fully present for these great moments anyway? Addiction has stunted our growth as individuals. Remarkable things are on their way for you. They come with just one qualifier; You have to be sober. God bless.

  9. #129
    crazyfrog is offline Banned
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    Hehe... took a whole month Rhodesy. A whole month of mental pain accompanied by body torture. Incredible huh? This isn't a1 week or 2 week deal. It's a month to fully see a difference. I'm on day 34..... pretty much leveled out good. I'm in the rythem of natural ups and occasional downs. Nothing extreme. Very stable. Now. ... im just pondering my next move. What to change companies badly! Want to do my own thing. Nice thing is now i have the drive to do these moves. No way would i even consider leaving my work and try other things when i was on the pills. Bummed out since i through away close to eight years of nothing. But oh well.. we got to move on. Nothing you can do. Time is linear unfortunately. Well.... take care Rhodesy, stay clean and hope you find that special friend. You will love life when you do. I goes to workonmy own family issues. I'll check once in a while here. don't want to dwell to much, kinda want to move on even from here. Brings some painful memories. Lol.
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  10. #130
    Viktory2k1 is offline New Member
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    Wow, a very good read, I am a recovering alcoholic and just(2months ago)found out that my back was broken 17 years ago in 2 places, I truly believe work comp covered it up. I have been on oxcodone for a year 20mg a day and these tales of terror are calling my name, especiall, since the doctor said is shots and pain meds, thats it. Well, me last freshly filled bottle was stolen and have been without for I think a week, wait 5 days. I am going to do my best to stay away from these but the problem is, my back is so shot I sometimes can't walk and the pain is incredible(Also just had first steroid shots almost 3 weeks ago)stenosis and 2 comprssion fractures at t 4 and t 6 75%. All I do now is sit around, I am good for about 30 min and then gotta lay down. Never was into drugs but the state is trying to shove them down my throat, Very inspiring read here.
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  11. #131
    Rhodesy is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Viktory2k1 View Post
    Wow, a very good read, I am a recovering alcoholic and just(2months ago)found out that my back was broken 17 years ago in 2 places, I truly believe work comp covered it up. I have been on oxcodone for a year 20mg a day and these tales of terror are calling my name, especiall, since the doctor said is shots and pain meds, thats it. Well, me last freshly filled bottle was stolen and have been without for I think a week, wait 5 days. I am going to do my best to stay away from these but the problem is, my back is so shot I sometimes can't walk and the pain is incredible(Also just had first steroid shots almost 3 weeks ago)stenosis and 2 comprssion fractures at t 4 and t 6 75%. All I do now is sit around, I am good for about 30 min and then gotta lay down. Never was into drugs but the state is trying to shove them down my throat, Very inspiring read here.
    Hang in there. As long as you're diligent about your sobriety and in your pain management good things will happen. Look around for alternative ways of therapy. Don't give up on your sobriety. God bless.

  12. #132
    Rhodesy is offline Member
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    Day 31

    Today's been a rather frustrating day. I have had a hard time breathing for some reason. I don't know if it's allergies or what. It's very frustrating though. I have a hard time breathing through my nose as well, which i think exacerbates the problem. I stayed up too late last night too. I got watching TV and just couldn't shut it off. It ended up being a huge mistake because I couldn't fall asleep and then woke up a few hours later and dozed off and on before I got up. I felt really groggy when I got up. Today was the first sunny day in what feels like forever though so I did go for a long jog. It definitely helped to get fresh air.

    Today was also the first day where I felt a strong urge to drink. It's weird because I'm really not a drinker and really never have been save for my late teens but the urge today was pretty strong. It wasn't overwhelming. I was really stressed out about the breathing issue and I've been stressed out over going back to work over the past few days. Stress is something that I'm really not used to yet. Now I have to naturally come down from the stress and do my best to relax and let it pass. It's something I'm really not used to. I think that was where the urge to drink came from. My mind was looking for a way to relax and feel good. I'm proud to say I resisted though. I don't want to get in a situation where I'm drinking on a regular basis. I know myself too well. I have an addictive personality. When I do something that makes me feel good I crave to do it over and over. I'm not the everything in moderation guy. I wish I was. Not how my brain works unfortunately. I'm really hoping my breathing improves. I keep having to take really deep breaths and it doesn't feel like I'm getting enough air. Hopefully when I post tomorrow it'll be gone. God bless.

  13. #133
    Struggling36 is offline Member
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    Hi there Rhodes!! Thank you for posting your journey here and I hope u and crazyfrog truly realize how many people your posts helped! I am one of them. I am new here. I'm a 36 yr old female with a son who's almost 10 and I had an extremely high tolerance!! I've weighed between 125-135 my whole life but that didn't matter. I'm too embarrassed to say how much opiates I took daily. Anyway...after 5-6 years with opiates and only about a 3 month span of clean time thru that..which ended up in relapse then graduated to roxis..I started subs! Was started at 16mg a day (1/2 film 4 times a day) and worked my way down. Then had my thyroid removed last Nov and got bumped back up to freakin 16mg a day but I wanted NO pain meds for surgery!! Much to my surprise...woke up off and on in recovery room to the nurse pumping me up with Huge doses of Dilaidid...enough for a very large man "5 darn times"...unless she gave me more when I was passed out. When I realized I threw a fit. I had made it beyond clear to anesthesia guy n surgeon I wanted NOTHING. It wasn't the nurses fault..so I didn't yell at her except to get docs in there and bring my subs. Anyway. .I didn't even feel meds they gave me til a mild feeling right before they made me move from 1 bed to the other and oh gosh pain was ridiculous. But I dealt with it! Anyway ..blah blah blah I talk to much...but like u and crazyfrog... I also have no friends..lost all of my family almost (parents passed away 9 days apart right after my 21st birthday). I have one younger sister who I cannot talk to about any of this cause she doesnt want to hear about it and as we know those who aren't addicts just Dont understand. I have isolated myself in this house for a long time. I live in Louisiana and its like everything here where I live is nothing but nosey people who are miserable in their own life and feel the need to start lies and drama in others lives to make themselves feel better!! Divorces are more common than marriage or couples having babies. I myself am now separated because my husband after 13 & 1/2 years seems to be going thru a mid life crisis, bought a darn 2015 mustang gt, got a gym membership and a Facebook page and moved back with his psycho mom who also had her hand in our demise! I jumped at 12mg about 18 days ago. I've been on it 3 years and I wanted to taper but when your dependent on someone for the $140 monthly to go to your sub doc and they make u go days or over a week without your meds every or every other month for that long it gets very old!! This last time I was on day 8 of withdrawal when he finally decided to leave a check for $200 but I knew if I went to doc he wouldn't give me and our son anymore money and who can live on $60 for a week...with a child!? So I finally said to hell with it...I'm gonna get off this stuff once and for all! Jumping at 12mg hasn't been easy in any way and still have some issues...mostly no energy/motivation, have been taking 2 imodium a day for last 3 days...does help, anxiety crawling out my skin feeling was horrible but now its come and go. Sleep getting better but for some reason couldn't get a min of sleep all night and been reading on here cause tossing n turning was driving me crazy!! It is getting better though. My son is a huge online gamer..loves it and its a good thing cause he just yells when he needs food or drink but last night I finally put make up on and got dressed and we went to the movies to see Avengers! It was so nice to feel good and take my son somewhere!! He's such a great awesome child and I thank god for him everyday!! Without him I Dont know if I'd still be here!! Anyway... I probably wrote a book but truly wanted to thank u both for inspiring me and making me want this even more than I already did..and once again to prove there is a light at the end of the tunnel!! Wish I was on Day 30 but I'm getting there..one day at a time!!!! Be very proud of yourself...both of u! Wish more people would do the same.. sadly around here with laws getting very strict on pain meds..lots of people are turning to the worst demon..."H" and it saddens me for those not strong enough to fight back!!! But we all know...u have to truly want it to achieve it and forcing someone who isnt ready or doesn't want to.. simply wont succeed!!! Hope u are all having an awesome day!!!
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  14. #134
    crazyfrog is offline Banned
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    Rhodesy... not unusual. 2 days ago I was pondering on heading down to my local corner store for a beer. I had a slight temptation for it for some reason. I believe it's the high I am missing. I don't drink at all. Maybe 1 drink a year. I don't like the flavor and hate the feeling really. But i pondered a drink non than less. I just let it pass by since I went through your whole through process as well. The "what is i start to drink everyday? ". Lol. It's best to not drink at all, it could become a bigger problem. And being drunk all the time is awful, worse than opiates. OPIATES at least keep your mind clear from the dizzy and bad attitude alcohol brings at the time of being fully retarded drunk.

    Victory..... get of the pills dude. You will regret it many years down the road when you finally wake up. good luck.

  15. #135
    Rhodesy is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Struggling36 View Post
    Hi there Rhodes!! Thank you for posting your journey here and I hope u and crazyfrog truly realize how many people your posts helped! I am one of them. I am new here. I'm a 36 yr old female with a son who's almost 10 and I had an extremely high tolerance!! I've weighed between 125-135 my whole life but that didn't matter. I'm too embarrassed to say how much opiates I took daily. Anyway...after 5-6 years with opiates and only about a 3 month span of clean time thru that..which ended up in relapse then graduated to roxis..I started subs! Was started at 16mg a day (1/2 film 4 times a day) and worked my way down. Then had my thyroid removed last Nov and got bumped back up to freakin 16mg a day but I wanted NO pain meds for surgery!! Much to my surprise...woke up off and on in recovery room to the nurse pumping me up with Huge doses of Dilaidid...enough for a very large man "5 darn times"...unless she gave me more when I was passed out. When I realized I threw a fit. I had made it beyond clear to anesthesia guy n surgeon I wanted NOTHING. It wasn't the nurses fault..so I didn't yell at her except to get docs in there and bring my subs. Anyway. .I didn't even feel meds they gave me til a mild feeling right before they made me move from 1 bed to the other and oh gosh pain was ridiculous. But I dealt with it! Anyway ..blah blah blah I talk to much...but like u and crazyfrog... I also have no friends..lost all of my family almost (parents passed away 9 days apart right after my 21st birthday). I have one younger sister who I cannot talk to about any of this cause she doesnt want to hear about it and as we know those who aren't addicts just Dont understand. I have isolated myself in this house for a long time. I live in Louisiana and its like everything here where I live is nothing but nosey people who are miserable in their own life and feel the need to start lies and drama in others lives to make themselves feel better!! Divorces are more common than marriage or couples having babies. I myself am now separated because my husband after 13 & 1/2 years seems to be going thru a mid life crisis, bought a darn 2015 mustang gt, got a gym membership and a Facebook page and moved back with his psycho mom who also had her hand in our demise! I jumped at 12mg about 18 days ago. I've been on it 3 years and I wanted to taper but when your dependent on someone for the $140 monthly to go to your sub doc and they make u go days or over a week without your meds every or every other month for that long it gets very old!! This last time I was on day 8 of withdrawal when he finally decided to leave a check for $200 but I knew if I went to doc he wouldn't give me and our son anymore money and who can live on $60 for a week...with a child!? So I finally said to hell with it...I'm gonna get off this stuff once and for all! Jumping at 12mg hasn't been easy in any way and still have some issues...mostly no energy/motivation, have been taking 2 imodium a day for last 3 days...does help, anxiety crawling out my skin feeling was horrible but now its come and go. Sleep getting better but for some reason couldn't get a min of sleep all night and been reading on here cause tossing n turning was driving me crazy!! It is getting better though. My son is a huge online gamer..loves it and its a good thing cause he just yells when he needs food or drink but last night I finally put make up on and got dressed and we went to the movies to see Avengers! It was so nice to feel good and take my son somewhere!! He's such a great awesome child and I thank god for him everyday!! Without him I Dont know if I'd still be here!! Anyway... I probably wrote a book but truly wanted to thank u both for inspiring me and making me want this even more than I already did..and once again to prove there is a light at the end of the tunnel!! Wish I was on Day 30 but I'm getting there..one day at a time!!!! Be very proud of yourself...both of u! Wish more people would do the same.. sadly around here with laws getting very strict on pain meds..lots of people are turning to the worst demon..."H" and it saddens me for those not strong enough to fight back!!! But we all know...u have to truly want it to achieve it and forcing someone who isnt ready or doesn't want to.. simply wont succeed!!! Hope u are all having an awesome day!!!
    Thanks for posting. I love to hear what's happening with other people and if my posts have helped in any way. It's a tough journey but a journey filled with many rewards if you stick with it. Hang in there! That's great that you have a child you're fighting for as well as yourself. Life will turn magical again. I promise. It just takes time, which I know is frustrating. Once you get through this though you'll feel like you can get through anything. The physical symptoms will disappear. They seem to drag on forever and you'll start to worry some are permanent but they really aren't. I'm just now completely getting over RLS. Eating healthy and exercise will help tremendously. Taking a multivitamin and an energy supplement like L-Tyrosine or ginseng has helped me enormously. It gives me that boost of energy to get through the day. I will say too that I felt very week for the first couple of weeks. It took me a while to fully get my strength back but now I feel stronger and have more stamina than I've had in a decade. Keep me posted on your progress. I know it's hard not having anybody to vent to so if you need to talk let me know. I'm here for you if you're need of a friend, or just someone who can listen. I do that well. Lol. God bless.

  16. #136
    Struggling36 is offline Member
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    Hi there again Rhodesy! Thank u for your support and encouraging words!! Seems like u know....to have 1 person that cares enough just to listen and give u some encouraging words and support makes u feel NOT so alone!! It is VERY hard not having any family or friends to turn to for any support. Plus having a son to take care of, plus I have a little yorkie named Bear who never leaves my side! Its strange how animals can sense so much... when I'm sad he is, laying in bed..hes right there beside me with those lil puppy dog eyes staring at me...if I Dont eat I have a lot of trouble getting him to eat! Isn't that crazy! If ONLY other people would be that way! Lol! Anyway...like I said I think today is Day 18. Maybe more cause I'm pretty sure I ran out 3 Fridays ago so today would be day 22! So think I'll go with that! Lol! Yesterday I was pretty worn down and had trouble getting the energy to do anything majority of the day but in the evening I started feeling better. Plus getting out this house and going to the movies was a great outing. Its like a 30 min ride but I enjoyed the ride with the window down and music playing..just can't turn up music as loud as I would like unless its 1 of my sons favorite songs! Haha! He is something else...but I can't complain in any way cause he's a great kid and loves his computer games and you tube! Sorry...I'm rambling! U can tell I Dont get out much! Lol! I had about 3 great nights of 7-8 hours of sleep but schedule very messed up and the anxiety/rls was getting much better BUT last night felt like one of the worst nights. Had both and didnt get a wink of darn sleep!! I tossed and turned, I got up walked around the house, tried a few different things and Nothing would work! I just got SO irritated with trying to make my eyes shut that I just finally got up and came watch TV...which I'm also tired of doing! But I'm happy I've been able to be home cause I know a lot of people Dont have that luxury. So I'm very thankful. The first week I literally stayed in bed...barely went on the couch, only got up if my son needed me, to go to The bathroom which wasn't much bc I was barely drinking and had NO appetite whatsoever! I've definitely lost weight. I dont even know how much though. I was about 127 so now I would guess maybe 118-122 but I've been getting hungry again ...isn't it weird how normal things disappear then all of a sudden come back!! I truly never want to go thru any of this **** again!! EVER!! Lol!! Thank you so much for listening and reading my novels!! Sorry I tend to get carried away and I get so happy when someone responds. As silly as that sounds! I've went from a person nonstop..always doing something, to numbing myself for years, to opiates, subs and now here. Im so tired of this and SO happy I made this decision even though some days I didn't know how the heck I would be able to take care of my son..but that's the one thing I did. Today I'm a lot better, swept, mopped, still never slept but I'm ok. Guess my body is tired of laying in bed cause for the first 2 weeks that's what I did. I was taking a multivitamin but ran out, but will get more and I've read a few people talk about those vitamins and as much as I would love to get some...I have to hang on to the Lil money I have each week for my son. Can I ask what state you are from..if u don't mind me asking? And one question...did u have chest pressure or fast heart rate? I went to a CVS on night 3 of chest pressure/felt hard to breathe/fast heart rate which was within last 5 days and my blood pressure was surprisingly good BUT pulse was 132! My mom passed at 41 of massive heart attack, her dad quad bypass at 42 then MA at 44 and passed plus 3 more people 2 aunts and 1 uncle !! Scares me so much!! Thank u so much again and hope to hear from u again soon!!

  17. #137
    Struggling36 is offline Member
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    Me again...I know...I'm ridiculous... lol! BUT wanted to Congratulate you again on over a month clean!!! Its NOT an easy thing for any addict in ANY situation to finally have enough courage to say "enough is enough" and actually follow through...especially those like u and me with no support. Also..I hope u stay on here, I notice it seems like once most people get clean they leave the site. I feel like if you get clean, especially with support from strangers who Dont know u but take the time to help u in any way...u should also do the same, whether clean or in WD stage. I feel like I've went thru all this for a reason and I would LOVE nothing more than to help others get thru this!! So hope u hang around. Our stories are so similar in some ways its crazy! This site has kept me inspired, motivated and helped me truly see that I would survive it even though some days I really had no idea how I possibly could!!! So THANK U from the bottom of my heart for all the time and effort u put into sharing your story for others like me to read and find hope we thought was lost!! Congrats to u again Rhodesy! Stay strong and positive and I'm so happy to hear your doing so great!! U are a very strong person!!
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  18. #138
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    Quote Originally Posted by Struggling36 View Post
    Me again...I know...I'm ridiculous... lol! BUT wanted to Congratulate you again on over a month clean!!! Its NOT an easy thing for any addict in ANY situation to finally have enough courage to say "enough is enough" and actually follow through...especially those like u and me with no support. Also..I hope u stay on here, I notice it seems like once most people get clean they leave the site. I feel like if you get clean, especially with support from strangers who Dont know u but take the time to help u in any way...u should also do the same, whether clean or in WD stage. I feel like I've went thru all this for a reason and I would LOVE nothing more than to help others get thru this!! So hope u hang around. Our stories are so similar in some ways its crazy! This site has kept me inspired, motivated and helped me truly see that I would survive it even though some days I really had no idea how I possibly could!!! So THANK U from the bottom of my heart for all the time and effort u put into sharing your story for others like me to read and find hope we thought was lost!! Congrats to u again Rhodesy! Stay strong and positive and I'm so happy to hear your doing so great!! U are a very strong person!!
    Thank you so much for all the kind words. As you know I don't have many people in my life so getting any kind of positive feedback really means a lot. I was such a recluse for so many years on suboxone that it's intimidating getting back into the world. I was always a bit of an introvert anyway. I've always loved to talk to people. I just was always more reserved for some reason when I was younger. Some things happened in my life that caused me to get on suboxone and retreat from the world. I've wanted to get off suboxone and get on with my life for years now but working up the courage and the conviction to go through with it took a while. Life is a struggle, even sober, but I feel like I'm progressing every day. I definitely don't regret what I've gone through in the past month. I just wish I would've gotten off it sooner.

    I live in Maine at the moment by the way. I've lived quite a few different places but have been here since I got on suboxone eight years ago. I am working towards moving out of this state though. I have nothing tying me down here and I really hate the winters here. They're so long and brutal.

    Feel free to keep posting and rambling btw. Lol. I'm sure it helps to get stuff off your chest. When you can't articulate your thoughts to someone or write them down they can sit in your head and become an annoyance, a distraction. I'm glad you're doing well. It keeps getting better too. It's a lot of subtle changes that you can look back on and realize an enormous change had slowly occurred. And no I haven't had chest pain or pressure. Last time I checked my blood pressure it was normal. I don't smoke, eat healthy and get a lot of exercise so my heart function seems to be normal or even above average. I had asthma when I was in my teens and it went away. I don't know if something triggered it recently or not. I'm hoping that's what it is. I feel better today.
    Keep in touch. Like I said don't be afraid to write as much as you want. It's nice to have someone to talk to.

  19. #139
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    Never been to Maine...I really haven't been much of anywhere! Lol!! Just Mississippi, Texas and both of those to run from these darn hurricanes!! Weather has been crazy here last few months..but like they say down here...if u Dont like the weather today Dont worry cause it'll change tomorrow! Lol! And its true...I live more towards south Louisiana...just a drive to get to N.O. but I hate the town I live in. I'm the type of female that stays to myself, I mind my own business, laid back, I'm always trying to make people laugh...HATE DRAMA AND DRAMA STARTING PEOPLE...plus I'm a Scorpio so I can pretty much tell if I don't or do like someone in about 5 mins. Lol! I was once also shy too...got bullied a few years in elementary by some rich kids BUT one day a girl pulled my hair in line and something snapped in me and I turned around grabbed her by the neck put her against the brick wall and ***** slapped her! Lol! After that bullying stopped! Highschool was OK...came out my shell but had a lot of friends...or people I spoke to not really friends. But highschool was better...not the sports or cheerleader snotty type at all...just average teenager. Dated an idiot for 6 years and stupidly married him after parents passed away and regret that decision that night!! Year and a half and $800 later divorced!! He was a drunk who had put his hands on me more than once...well I was in kick boxing for 3 years...only thing that saved me after parents passed away, well he locked me in the bedroom and let's just say 1 hit from me later he was on the floor bleeding somewhere around his mouth. OK...your gonna think I'm a crazy psycho person..I realize how this could sound to someone BUT when u have been thru so much hell and being hit on...one day u just say "my turn!" Lol! He was 5'11 like 200 lbs, I was 5' 3" 135 lbs muscle. But not dike looking. Lol! God I wanna get back in shape like that again...muscle has memory! Lol! OK I'm rambling like a fool! I'm sorry! Guess just telling u a Lil about my rollercoaster life. Anyway, BELIEVE IT OR NOT.. IM ACTUALLY in my backyard laying out and (shame on me..having a Smirnoff). I won't lie I have drank a handful of times just to relax n chill. I'm NOT a drinker but I Dont have an issue with it. I just drink one maybe every 6 months. Hell we are human...I know I shouldnt but I know I can have just 1. Helps me feel a Lil normal again. But I was actually coming cut this 2-3 foot high grass BUT stupid lawnmower won't start! Ughhh! My stupid luck when I finally try to get my rear in gear a Lil!! Lol!

  20. #140
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    GOD RHODESY...I FEEL LIKE A NEW PERSON AGAIN TODAY!! ITS AWESOME!!! JUST BEING OUTSIDE...IN THE HEAT...RADIO PLAYING WITH AWESOME SONGS I LOVE COMING ON BACK TO BACK WHICH USUALLY NEVER HAPPENS!! LOL!!!! GOD this is an awesome feeling and I don't want it to end!!!! And only had 4 baby sips of my lil drink! Lol! Hope your day is going this good or even better!! Worth every second of every minute of the misery I've been thru last 3 weeks!! Lol

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    GOD RHODESY...I FEEL LIKE A NEW PERSON AGAIN TODAY!! ITS AWESOME!!! JUST BEING OUTSIDE...IN THE HEAT...RADIO PLAYING WITH AWESOME SONGS I LOVE COMING ON BACK TO BACK WHICH USUALLY NEVER HAPPENS!! LOL!!!! GOD this is an awesome feeling and I don't want it to end!!!! And only had 4 baby sips of my lil drink! Lol! Hope your day is going this good or even better!! Worth every second of every minute of the misery I've been thru last 3 weeks!! Lol

  22. #142
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    Quote Originally Posted by Struggling36 View Post
    GOD RHODESY...I FEEL LIKE A NEW PERSON AGAIN TODAY!! ITS AWESOME!!! JUST BEING OUTSIDE...IN THE HEAT...RADIO PLAYING WITH AWESOME SONGS I LOVE COMING ON BACK TO BACK WHICH USUALLY NEVER HAPPENS!! LOL!!!! GOD this is an awesome feeling and I don't want it to end!!!! And only had 4 baby sips of my lil drink! Lol! Hope your day is going this good or even better!! Worth every second of every minute of the misery I've been thru last 3 weeks!! Lol
    That's awesome. Glad to hear you're doing better. Being outside in the sun and exercise are the only two things that are guaranteed to put me in a good mood. I couldn't imagine quitting in the dead of winter. Being able to go out in the sun every day and go jogging has been a life saver for me.

  23. #143
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    Day 32

    I feel a lot better today. Yesterday the stress and anxiety kind of crept up on me and wouldn't release. It didn't go away until right before I went to sleep but I felt a lot better this morning. It was sunny out today so I was able to get out and enjoy the rays a bit. I worked out my arms and went jogging, then came home and read for a while. I am starting to really get back into the things that I loved and enjoyed before I got on suboxone. I'm able to think clearer now and enjoy something on an intellectual level. I can read a book and get lost in it and think about all the subplots and character arcs and really enjoy that whole cerebral process. On suboxone I had a hard time focusing for long periods of time and I could only hold so much information in my head at one time. My memory was severely effected too. I just wasn't as sharp. My mind is so much better now though. My memory is so much better. When I pick my book back up a day after setting it down I can remember exactly what happened in the previous chapter. On suboxone I'd have to skim the last few pages to refresh my memory. It just feels so good to have my brain functioning at a higher level.

    Tomorrow I'm going to get out and do something I've decided. Even though I don't have anyone to do it with I think I'll still be able to enjoy myself. I want to get out and try something different. Maybe put me in a new head space. I'm going to try and be more social too. I'm not the best at meeting new people. Strangers can be intimidating but I just need to put myself out there and see what happens. I know that the worst thing for me is to sit in my house and do nothing. I want to continue to stay positive and not get into any pattern that leads me into relapse. Putting myself in new situations and creating new experiences and memories is important. God bless.

  24. #144
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    Quote Originally Posted by Struggling36 View Post
    Never been to Maine...I really haven't been much of anywhere! Lol!! Just Mississippi, Texas and both of those to run from these darn hurricanes!! Weather has been crazy here last few months..but like they say down here...if u Dont like the weather today Dont worry cause it'll change tomorrow! Lol! And its true...I live more towards south Louisiana...just a drive to get to N.O. but I hate the town I live in. I'm the type of female that stays to myself, I mind my own business, laid back, I'm always trying to make people laugh...HATE DRAMA AND DRAMA STARTING PEOPLE...plus I'm a Scorpio so I can pretty much tell if I don't or do like someone in about 5 mins. Lol! I was once also shy too...got bullied a few years in elementary by some rich kids BUT one day a girl pulled my hair in line and something snapped in me and I turned around grabbed her by the neck put her against the brick wall and ***** slapped her! Lol! After that bullying stopped! Highschool was OK...came out my shell but had a lot of friends...or people I spoke to not really friends. But highschool was better...not the sports or cheerleader snotty type at all...just average teenager. Dated an idiot for 6 years and stupidly married him after parents passed away and regret that decision that night!! Year and a half and $800 later divorced!! He was a drunk who had put his hands on me more than once...well I was in kick boxing for 3 years...only thing that saved me after parents passed away, well he locked me in the bedroom and let's just say 1 hit from me later he was on the floor bleeding somewhere around his mouth. OK...your gonna think I'm a crazy psycho person..I realize how this could sound to someone BUT when u have been thru so much hell and being hit on...one day u just say "my turn!" Lol! He was 5'11 like 200 lbs, I was 5' 3" 135 lbs muscle. But not dike looking. Lol! God I wanna get back in shape like that again...muscle has memory! Lol! OK I'm rambling like a fool! I'm sorry! Guess just telling u a Lil about my rollercoaster life. Anyway, BELIEVE IT OR NOT.. IM ACTUALLY in my backyard laying out and (shame on me..having a Smirnoff). I won't lie I have drank a handful of times just to relax n chill. I'm NOT a drinker but I Dont have an issue with it. I just drink one maybe every 6 months. Hell we are human...I know I shouldnt but I know I can have just 1. Helps me feel a Lil normal again. But I was actually coming cut this 2-3 foot high grass BUT stupid lawnmower won't start! Ughhh! My stupid luck when I finally try to get my rear in gear a Lil!! Lol!
    Remind me not to mess with you! Lol. You should think about getting back into kickboxing though. It could be a really good outlet. I know you might not have the time or money but you should consider it anyway. Being physical and letting out all your frustration I imagine would be a huge help in your recovery. Exercise has been a life saver for me.

  25. #145
    Struggling36 is offline Member
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    I cut my grass! Feel awesome!
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  26. #146
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    Sorry had to make that one short...phone was dying!! After cutting all that 2-3 foot high grass and even starting that not so easy to start lawnmower was a small/big accomplishment. Took me a few times but after that I was good!! Was nice to feel some strength back in my body. It was taking its toll on me at first, heart was beating a mile a min. Took Lil 2 min water breaks and went back at it! God I feel great and normal!! Unfortunately I Dont have any freedom really...but it's not a bad thing...I just ALWAYS have my son. He has never once slept at his grandmas with his dad anytime he left except ONE time and I was sick as a dog...another time husband let me go without my meds! (Started this post earlier..a few hours ago and never finished...so I'm picking back up now where I left off!) WELL I shouldve known better than to let myself get too excited about feeling so good today!! Just got out a nice hot shower and now my lower back is killing me. BUT I know I have to once again "feel pain" and deal with it...its a part of life we haven't really experienced for so long and I'm sure that's why WD can be so excruciating for us! Not sure if I should use a heating pad on my back or something else! I'll take any suggestions. Wish I had some aleve but I dont. Might have a couple Ibuprofen but Dont like taking >>> too much cause I've already tore my stomach up enough over the years and I know that stuff is one of the stomach messer uppers. Lol! I have had some back pain for several years..car accident and another incident I'd rather not discuss now BUT I guess I haven't had to deal with It for so long...that now it feels horrible! It feels kind of like an elephant has Its heavy foot sitting from mid to lower spine and a few inches on both sides of spine. What a cruddy way of ending such an awesome day today! Oh well...such is life!! Gonna suck it up and put my big girl face on! Lol! And I really would LOVE to get back into kicknoxing but unfortunately we live surrounded by oil refineries and my instructor worked at another "plant...not oil but very close to an oil refinery" and there was an incident that happened many years ago and chemicals were released into The air at night and my instructor was unfortunately a victim of breathing that stuff in and his throat and lungs were burned...not fire but chemical burn. After that happened, his wife took over the women's kickboxing classes and it was NEVER EVER even close to the same!! I began dreading classes. It was 3 times a week. Mon Wed Fri from 8:20-9:30, I had SO much energy after it was ridiculous! Most people wanted to go to bed and I was ready to clean my house or run a marathon! Lol! I was in my mid 20's then BUT when Mr. Gillis was there..it got down to 3 of us cause a lot of women who came couldn't handle it for one week!! We were nonstop...had stations, calf section, punching bag, kicking bag, instructor with pads...did what he said, he had us lay flat on our backs, I had 12lbs on each ankle and we lifted our legs and he threw them down...straight and side to side...that was a workout, sit ups, push ups, side crunches, u name it we did it. BUT those classes are truly what I believe is the ONLY thing that got ME thru the loss of my parents so sudden then my grandpa...I was beyond devastated when I lost him...when he passed I couldn't handle it...thats the most ALONE I had ever felt! I was with him daily and he was so good to us!! My dad was an only child and my sister and I were the only 2 grandkids but once my mom n dad passed.. it was like the bond with my grandpa got stronger than It already was..and we were each others rock! God I miss them!! Sucks..but I know their all in a better place and always with me, my sister and our kids!! For some reason I always feel safe..guess cause I KNOW their with me always in spirit, in my heart! Sorry. But anyway kickboxing classes around here suck royally in comparison to what I once had!! Its punching air and not hitting a bag or mitt or any darn thing and their all pretty much weight loss classes. I Dont need to lose anymore weight...DT did that enough! Lol! I want to build muscle but not bulk. There Is a MMA for women out here.. its a Lil drive but doable...but from what I understand u fought in a ring..thats what they train u for. I'm guessing u have the option whether u want to fight or not...my sister and I both wanted to go but never did. I'm NOT a confrontational or argumentative type of person in ANY way BUT when you've gone thru certain things in life that MOST people will never have to go thru...it does take its toll on u and I was very angry for a long time after watching my parents go thru all they did before passing. It made me who I am today...I was raised by wonderful parents and today I appreciate the fact that I had an awesome set of parents for the 21 years I had them and I'm SO thankful they raised me the way they did. I guess I never really got to grieve..I KNOW I didn't and holding things in kills who u are on the inside!! It turns u into someone your not. I had to let my anger go and know now god took them for a reason!! Same with addiction...we ALL at one point have said WHY ME. But think about your life today and yes addiction causes a lot of hurt BUT it also made us who we are today!! We are stronger because of It, smarter, more aware, etc! EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON...EVEN if we Dont understand WHY at that very minute..eventually it will all make sense!! Sorry..I guess I rambled about a lot of things and really didn't type a lot of stuff I wanted to. I got caught up in some hard memories...but if I can inspire, motivate or help another fellow addict or anyone with my story...I've accomplished what I set out to do.

  27. #147
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    OMG..I wrote a book. Very sorry...once again...I tend to get carried away. And typing on my cellphone so the box is tiny and can't tell how much u type til its posted! Lol! Sorry!

  28. #148
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    Rhodesy...wanted to respond to your post and promise won't write a book THIS time! Lol! I just wanted to say I think its awesome your allowing yourself to experiment and experience new things in life...that's what LIFE is ALL about really!! And I know u said your single...but everyone has a soulmate...I have always believed that...well maybe just not me. Only had 2 relationships both long, got married to both, both used and abused me in more ways than one BUT had things NOT happened the way they did, I wouldn't have MY wonderful son with me and I CANNOT imagine my life without him!! Would u also happen to be a Scorpio?? Just kind of a feeling I have...but could be wrong. We just have a lot in common...BUT being an addict for a long time...we forget who WE truly are! So if we dont know who we are how can we tell anyone else about us as a person?? Figure u out right now, meet people, try new things, figure out what u like and dislike, what u love or hate, find YOU...because you are NOT the same person u once were, NONE of us are!! Addiction took us for a rollercoaster ride and changed everything about us and our lives as we once knew it!! Now find the sober YOU, time changes people, people change people..but if u look for love u wont find it. Be patient and love will find u when u least expect it and when it happens and the right lucky lady Comes along...you WILL know she's the one!! U really seem like a very mature minded, kind hearted, giving, quiet unique soul and happiness is yours! Dont rush just live life for the sober u and everything will all fall into place from there!! Thank u so very much for listening to my babble...it means a lot to me just to know someone out there is listening and truly understands not only me as an addict...as a regular person but also truly understands what I'm going thru!! Dont leave on me...we have others to help! I may chase some away with my novel posts so I'm gonna do my best to shorten them up and get to my point. Hope this one isn't a book but if It Is...so be it!! I meant every single word!! Stay strong and positive and LIVE LIFE!!
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  29. #149
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    Quote Originally Posted by Struggling36 View Post
    Rhodesy...wanted to respond to your post and promise won't write a book THIS time! Lol! I just wanted to say I think its awesome your allowing yourself to experiment and experience new things in life...that's what LIFE is ALL about really!! And I know u said your single...but everyone has a soulmate...I have always believed that...well maybe just not me. Only had 2 relationships both long, got married to both, both used and abused me in more ways than one BUT had things NOT happened the way they did, I wouldn't have MY wonderful son with me and I CANNOT imagine my life without him!! Would u also happen to be a Scorpio?? Just kind of a feeling I have...but could be wrong. We just have a lot in common...BUT being an addict for a long time...we forget who WE truly are! So if we dont know who we are how can we tell anyone else about us as a person?? Figure u out right now, meet people, try new things, figure out what u like and dislike, what u love or hate, find YOU...because you are NOT the same person u once were, NONE of us are!! Addiction took us for a rollercoaster ride and changed everything about us and our lives as we once knew it!! Now find the sober YOU, time changes people, people change people..but if u look for love u wont find it. Be patient and love will find u when u least expect it and when it happens and the right lucky lady Comes along...you WILL know she's the one!! U really seem like a very mature minded, kind hearted, giving, quiet unique soul and happiness is yours! Dont rush just live life for the sober u and everything will all fall into place from there!! Thank u so very much for listening to my babble...it means a lot to me just to know someone out there is listening and truly understands not only me as an addict...as a regular person but also truly understands what I'm going thru!! Dont leave on me...we have others to help! I may chase some away with my novel posts so I'm gonna do my best to shorten them up and get to my point. Hope this one isn't a book but if It Is...so be it!! I meant every single word!! Stay strong and positive and LIVE LIFE!!
    I hope your back is feeling better today. I know back pain can be debilitating. It was a struggle for the first few weeks getting used to aches and pains again. It's been so long since I've really felt pain and had to struggle through it. Nothing serious however and I feel great now. I am not a scorpio btw. I'm a sagittarius. Thanks for the words of encouragement. Like you, it means a lot to just know someone is listening to what I'm saying (or typing). Don't worry about rambling either. I know it helps to get things off your chest. Let me know how you're feeling today. Don't relapse on me! I'm counting on you. You've got a great life ahead of you. God has great things in store for you. You've got to be sober to reap those rewards though. I'll let you know how my day went a bit later. God bless.

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    Hey Rhodesy!! Its so nice to get your responses and know someone doesn't mind reading my babbling and venting and whining...and also to have someone be happy for my small accomplishments thru this and to have support from someone who understands me and what I'm going thru! It means more to me than u know!! I am doing better today!! I ended up taking 2 tsps of my sons liquid ibuprofen (like I'm a kid) last night and it didn't help much but I slept like a baby last night and actually slept too much! Lol! But cutting that thick high grass and just being outside was truly what I needed!! And I felt normal yesterday for the fist time in SO long!! My back is feeling better today!! Thankfully!! I'm feeling OK today!! No WD symptoms yet..but know they can creep in. Hope your day is going great!! And I PROMISE no relapse for me!! Pinky promise!! Now u pinky promise me the same!! :-)
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