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Tapering off 6 years on Subs and freaking out!
  1. #61
    Gonnawin is offline Member
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    Thanks so much for the wonderful encouragement, it meant a lot to me!

    And I realize the whole point of all of this has been to get to this exact point, and feel much safer jumping. I KNOW I have greatly helped the situation by sticking with this so religiously. But I can't help the fear. I spend a lot of time hyping myself up, knowing I can do this and I'm gonna be so much happier and healthier. And it does work a lot. But today, realizing how low my dose is just freaked me out!! I almost feel like if I had a bunch of extra that I may have slipped and taken more. That is crazy. I don't take anything but the subs and haven't for years. That's how strong addiction can be.
    Instead of continuing to feel bad I got my but up and scrubbed my kitchen for an hour. And I felt fine. I still do. It would be great to get out of my head for awhile!!

    And I have read Bette's thread. It is amazing how strong she was and at the end it seemed like she breezed through it. I know it wasn't that easy but I definitely felt like I want to be just like her when I jump. Lol!

    As far as any remaining doses, I now know for sure that there's enough to get to the end. I have stressed about it quite a bit but now it's pretty definite and I no longer have to worry. I think that if I get through this dose, and can drop to .10, that will probably be it. At that point my thinking is that the build up of it in my blood shouldn't even be 1/4 of a mg and that my withdrawal should only be a few acute days. This is what I have to tell myself.

    Thanks so much Cat, have a great night!
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  2. #62
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    Hi Gonnawin
    Love the enthusiasm in the name. Right of the bat you have a positive attitude, This is a wonderful place to be going through this process. Yeah the worst is when your in your head too much , but you're doing amazing staying on the strict regime, (that shows how dedicate you are)

    So you hit the jackpot when you became a member here. Nothing but love, caring, compassionate, support.
    Happy Easter to you, may God watch over you and your family
    Blessings Gonnawin!!
    Shelly
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  3. #63
    Gonnawin is offline Member
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    Thanks Shelly! I'm definitely trying to stay positive. Not always easy and I'm glad I can come here and get things off my chest. This forum is a Godsend to many and everyone here is great for devoting so much time to helping others.

    Today is a better day. Happy Easter to everyone!
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  4. #64
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Standing ready to catch all that stuff falling off your chest. Oh! Was that inappropriate? Ha! Glad you're having a better day. You are becoming one of my heroes!

    Peace,

    Cat (a female--see comment above)

  5. #65
    Gonnawin is offline Member
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    Lol Cat, I'm totally aware that you're female. And it's not easy to offend me. I welcome jokes and silliness. .

    Thank you for the compliment! I only wish I could be a hero!!!

    It's funny, today I've been asking myself... Do I feel ok? Am I having symptoms? Is this dose working? And then I'm like, Get over yourself, you are ON the dose that's been proven safe to walk away from! It doesn't get better than that during a taper right?! No more wondering how it's gonna be when I get here... I am here!!
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  6. #66
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Exactly!!!! I couldn't have said it better. Practice, practice, practice. Instead of dwelling on or looking for symptoms, when that very urge hits you it's time to have that inner conversation saying, "I am so fortunate to get here and I am strong enough to go the distance. I am up and functioning and I can so do this!"

    I can't offend you. That's an elite group in itself cause if anyone can be offensive, it is me.

    Peace,

    Cat
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  7. #67
    Gonnawin is offline Member
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    Well there was a time in my life when I was sensitive... Then I started working in the bar/restaurant industry. The rest is history. If you don't have tough skin you are chewed up and spit out. I hear a lot, every day. At this point I find myself most attracted to sarcastic, out of the box thinkers.

    But seriously, thanks for talking me through this past month. I truly do appreciate it. I was so shaky and unsure when I came here and it helps to have someone look at my situation from the outside. It has helped greatly!
    This is day 2 at this dose and I'm feeling mostly fine. I know I can do this now and I know it will be ok!
    I think I will take that walk within a week.

  8. #68
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gonnawin View Post
    Well there was a time in my life when I was sensitive... Then I started working in the bar/restaurant industry. The rest is history. If you don't have tough skin you are chewed up and spit out. I hear a lot, every day. At this point I find myself most attracted to sarcastic, out of the box thinkers.

    But seriously, thanks for talking me through this past month. I truly do appreciate it. I was so shaky and unsure when I came here and it helps to have someone look at my situation from the outside. It has helped greatly!
    This is day 2 at this dose and I'm feeling mostly fine. I know I can do this now and I know it will be ok!
    I think I will take that walk within a week.
    It isn't evident here because what we're dealing with is some serious chit. Sarcasm is one of my specialties and is so second nature to me that I do tend to offend people for a while when I first meet them. Of course, there are those who just don't get me and I will always offend them. I'm too old to worry about it now but I used to and I'd try to be more appropriate, more...whatever the opposite is of being a wise azz. I'd last for a minute to a minute and a half and then my boss would show up with a new pair of shoes and I'd call her a shoe whore. So much for that! I yam what I yam!

    Peace,

    Cat

  9. #69
    Gonnawin is offline Member
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    I understand what you're saying more than you know. I seem to always be the one person that no one really gets. I always see things differently, SAY things differently, and am often mistaken for our favorite B-word. In reality I love and feel very strongly and would do anything for the people around me. Apparently I am not blessed with the ability to show that outwardly. So I also tend to offend people daily, whether I mean it or not. Once people get to know me, they usually tell me how wrong they were, yadda yadda. What a way to be!

  10. #70
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    Gonnawin
    Gotta love our Cat. I'm must be one of those people too, cuz as soon as I started chatting with her I fell in love. I gotta girl crush!! Happily married though, but if I wasn't I'd be changing sides

  11. #71
    Gonnawin is offline Member
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    Lol, yes she is a great person for sure! I'm happy she's here.

    So... I was all happy and positive yesterday. Talking about how I was gonna do this and all that. I then proceeded to have the hands down, worst night I've had yet. Ugh it was just >>>>. Up allllllllll night with Restless legs. And sweating on and off. It was not ok. I literally slept for MAYBE an hour. Had to be at work early this morning and it sucked.

    I have to sleep tonight. We are officially opening for business tomorrow and it is a media event along with a lot of famous people. I can't be a zombie for it.
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  12. #72
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    OMG. My invitation never arrived. What time do I get there? Who's going to be at my table? Formal? Business casual? Casual? What am I gonna wear????

    How much sub do you have left? If you are having trouble tonight, just this once you can take a little more as a "rescue dose". I'm not making this up it's perfectly OK if you have enough and feel like you really need it. NOT OK to do it regularly. Where are we at with those piles??? How many doses left at .13?

    Peace!

  13. #73
    Gonnawin is offline Member
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    Hahah you're funny!! :-) It is mostly people that are famous in a sport oriented field. I'm sure there will be no photo ops or autographs! But it is a big deal for the people involved and everyone's excited, woo hoo!!

    I seriously thought about taking one of those rescue doses last night. I'm glad I didn't. Tonight may be another story. I've done so well not doing rescue doses.

    This is third day of .13. I have 2 more days measured and then 5 days at .10. After that is done I still have .8 left. Look at me go with extra and everything!

    If I did take some more, I don't know how much to take without blowing my taper.
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  14. #74
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gonnawin View Post
    Hahah you're funny!! :-) It is mostly people that are famous in a sport oriented field. I'm sure there will be no photo ops or autographs! But it is a big deal for the people involved and everyone's excited, woo hoo!!

    I seriously thought about taking one of those rescue doses last night. I'm glad I didn't. Tonight may be another story. I've done so well not doing rescue doses.

    This is third day of .13. I have 2 more days measured and then 5 days at .10. After that is done I still have .8 left. Look at me go with extra and everything!

    If I did take some more, I don't know how much to take without blowing my taper.
    Where were you at before this most recent reduction? .18 or something like that? It's actually good to see you being conservative. I'd have to run to the bathroom and pig out cause someone told me it was OK. Seriously, if you were feeling OK at the .18, go back there for tonight. Just for tonight. You'll be fine.

    Have fun while you work! I'd be oogling and pretending that I was checking my phone. Snap. Snap. My grandson, 15, is like the Encyclopedia of sports facts and trivia. Past and current. Any sport, both professional and college. Well. Except golf. He slept through that class.

    Work hard but have fun too. I'm going to live vicariously through you tomorrow. Feel me channeling you!

    Peace,

    Cat

  15. #75
    Gonnawin is offline Member
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    I'm sure it's gonna be a fun opening. Everyone will be happy and excited. I'm not really a huge fan so I should be able to remain professional. Overall it's gonna be a great place to work! But I have to get my mind right. Im sure I will think about your encouragement too.

    My previous dose was .16. So you've convinced me that I won't be a total failure if I take a little extra one time. I'll only do it if I'm totally miserable again. I'm really hoping that it will be better tonight anyway and I won't need it. See just talking about it makes me feel more positive.

  16. #76
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gonnawin View Post
    I'm sure it's gonna be a fun opening. Everyone will be happy and excited. I'm not really a huge fan so I should be able to remain professional. Overall it's gonna be a great place to work! But I have to get my mind right. Im sure I will think about your encouragement too.

    My previous dose was .16. So you've convinced me that I won't be a total failure if I take a little extra one time. I'll only do it if I'm totally miserable again. I'm really hoping that it will be better tonight anyway and I won't need it. See just talking about it makes me feel more positive.
    Perfect. I know your won't do it without much thought first. Let me know in the morning how you did. AND I do expect a full update after work! *Star struck*

    Peace,

    Cat
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  17. #77
    Mitchwalker21 is offline New Member
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    I just wanted to take a minute to tell gonnawin that you are amazing and you have so much more control than you think you do! You can do this!!!

    I also want to share my story real quick and hopefully it will help give you a little insight. I was addicted to oxy's for about three years.... I always had a legal prescription but after about 6 months I realized I was not able to make it last all month so I would panic and come up with an excuse to be seen earlier..... I think we all know what I'm talking about.... So after three years I told my doctor I didn't want to take painkillers anymore.... She started me on 8mg twice a day.... I like many I have read about thought in the beginning it was a miracle drug.... But no one ever took the time to explain the downsides which almost all of us have experienced! I decided I was going to taper down and get of the stuff so I would no longer be a victim at the hands of addiction.... I didn't do any research before I took the jump.... I only had a small supply so I cut them in to slivers and once they were gone I would be done and take the jump.... Today is day 7! Days one and two were rough and I didn't know if I could do it but I told myself I wouldn't go through this twice so I kept pushing days 3-4 were pure Hell.... Lots of restless leg, yawning and stretching, tossing and turning. I had to have gotten in the bath tub 20x those nights(i could only handle it for 5-10 minutes max) days 5-6 The restless legs weren't as bad which was a welcomed relief but both those nights I could not sleep... Not one single minute.... Then last night I was expecting the same and I finally feel asleep around midnight and woke up just a few minutes ago.... Sleeping was so amazing! I feel much better this morning and I hope it stays this way!

    I have read all of your posts and everyone here has been a great source of encouragement and support.... You have done an amazing job at tapering down and I know your nervous but at such a small dose that you're on, you should take the jump... I feel terrible for you experiencing withdrawal symptoms intermittently for the past two months. I wouldn't wish going through to even my wor st enemy but I can tell you it's been so incredibly rewarding knowing that I an about a week clean and I'm hoping the worst is behind me and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel purple talk about. Make the jump and get it done and I promise you won't be sorry you stopped dragging it out and just decided to make the jump.....

    If I can do this... I know for a fact that you can! You're amazing and I hope this past helps someone. Also these are just my thoughts and suggestions so take it or leave out but know you have tons of friends and support here rooting for you!!!

  18. #78
    Gonnawin is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Catrina View Post
    Perfect. I know your won't do it without much thought first. Let me know in the morning how you did. AND I do expect a full update after work! *Star struck*

    Peace,

    Cat
    So unfortunately, I did cave last night and take I teeny tiny bit extra. I started getting restless legs long before I even thought about going to bed!! I could really tell that dropping caught up to me big time yesterday. If I didn't have such a big today I would've just toughed it out somehow. But I feel much better with some sleep under my belt. Now I'll continue forward again and deal with the discomfort.

    Getting ready to go to work in a few minutes. Cat, you can be my co-pilot!


    Mitch, thanks for the post, and congratulations on your 7 days!! That's amazing and I'm so happy for you. My situation is kind of similar to yours in that I only have a specific amount and there will be no more. So while it would be ok to jump now, I figure I might as well go as far as I can to minimize my acute withdrawal. I think about so many people referring to days 3-5 as the absolute worst and I just know that on those days I will be working, in a public situation where I can't hide at my desk and the business counts on us interacting with people. So the better I can make those worst days, the better I will be able to cope.

    My worst case scenario is dragging this out 10 extra days and completely running out. It's not too bad either way.
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  19. #79
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Just give me a holler and I'll do the heavy lifting for you. Well, if I'm not too busy gawking. Have a great day! I'll watch for you to post and let me know how everything went. So exciting. You'll be great, especially with my spirit carrying you because I'm sending it out. Just let me know what time I should let it loose!

    Peace,

    Cat

  20. #80
    Mitchwalker21 is offline New Member
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    How did today go? I hope it went smoothly and that you were so busy that you didn't even have time to think about it!

    You are in the driver's seat on this and can choose when ever you're ready to make the jump.... From from recent personal experience I have a couple suggestions that might help... First I think how you have tapered is the right thing to do.... I made the decision to get of the suboxone too late and when I decided I had 1 8mg tablet and 1/2 of another so I had 14mg..... So I did the best I could cutting it into smaller pieces until it was gone... Which brings me to my first point.... Whenever you decide to get off make 100% sure you don't have anymore... I found myself looking for some to deal with the withdrawals and I'm so so so glad I didn't have any (I guess being on prescription drugs for so long I thought I would something somewhere but I realized I kept track of my supplier much better than I thought.) Because I would've taken em I'm fairly certain. The second thing I would recommend to help settle your anxiety. I would make the jump on a Wednesday (might make your last one an evening dose) you can work Thursday and Friday where those are the common days which have the least withdrawals typically, then you can take Saturday and Sunday off to rest and get through it, and see how Monday morning is.... If it's too bad take one day off and by Tuesday you will be feeling a ton better... Just a suggestion and if anyone disagrees or has other suggestions please come in.... Either way you're well on your way to being released from the clutches of your addiction.... You're amazing!!

    Mitch
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  21. #81
    Mitchwalker21 is offline New Member
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    Just wanted to apologize for the long posts. I do them on my phone so I can't see how long they are.... Sorry for being long winded!

  22. #82
    Gonnawin is offline Member
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    So yesterday went really great! It was a long day and night but it was definitely fun! Thanks for the positive vibes guys!

    The overnight hours were pretty sucky again though. My wonderful RLS decided to expand throughout my body and it was rough. My husband woke up a couple times asking, "what is wrong with you, are you ok? Why are you thrashing around like this?" Uggh. I finally got completely desperate and took some Imodium and was finally able to calm down and sleep. I haven't taken that for a week.

    Sooo... Idk what to do right now. I know if I try to jump off right now this RLS is going to consume my sanity. Do I try to do another day at .13? Will dropping to .10 help minimize anything? I just don't know.
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  23. #83
    Gonnawin is offline Member
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    Mitch I think I would probably take more if I jumped and had some leftover too. So I feel like I either need to completely run out or I will have to dispose of the rest.

  24. #84
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Stay put at .13 and hopefully tonight will be better. If it is and you feel well tomorrow, then you can drop again if you want. No way should you drop if you're kicking like that. Better to stay a day longer, even two if that's what it takes. Repeat 3 times..."I must be stable before I drop". This is like deja vu when I first met you.

    Glad yesterday went so well. Didja feel me?

    Peace,

    Cat
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  25. #85
    Gonnawin is offline Member
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    I definitely channeled your positive energy during the night. It's a help to know someone cares!

    And I really know I should do another day at this dose. I just wanted it to be a little easier at this point. OMG it is so insane how strong this stupid drug is!!! 1/7th of a stinking mg?! I would never ever ever get on this stuff again no matter what happened to me. Not that I foresee ever needing it but I'm just saying. What a nightmare.

    I cannot even imagine what people go through jumping from 1 or more mg. I truly feel for them.

    It's gonna be over soon.
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  26. #86
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Catrina View Post
    Stay put at .13 and hopefully tonight will be better. If it is and you feel well tomorrow, then you can drop again if you want. No way should you drop if you're kicking like that. Better to stay a day longer, even two if that's what it takes. Repeat 3 times..."I must be stable before I drop". This is like deja vu when I first met you.

    Glad yesterday went so well. Didja feel me?

    Peace,

    Cat
    I know! It's pretty incredible. I'm just glad I had never even heard of it until joined here. I'd have been so screwed.

    Peace!

  27. #87
    Gonnawin is offline Member
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    I can only wish I had never heard of it. Then again, if I hadn't... Only God knows where I would be. Probably living under a bridge or dead. Lol.

    Anyway, today has been better than yesterday so far. If I can just get through the night!! I swear I could quit right now if I could control the RLS. It is such a demon for me! It's so agonizing when I'm so tired I can barely hold my eyes open and the RLS is saying, "Hahaha I dare you to try and sleep" DEMON!!!!!

  28. #88
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gonnawin View Post
    I can only wish I had never heard of it. Then again, if I hadn't... Only God knows where I would be. Probably living under a bridge or dead. Lol.

    Anyway, today has been better than yesterday so far. If I can just get through the night!! I swear I could quit right now if I could control the RLS. It is such a demon for me! It's so agonizing when I'm so tired I can barely hold my eyes open and the RLS is saying, "Hahaha I dare you to try and sleep" DEMON!!!!!
    If you can tolerate everything but the RLS, can you get in to see your doctor? Gabapentin can sometimes work wonders for that. You don't have to let him/her know what's going on otherwise, but can ask about getting that. Just say that you get RLS at night especially when you've had a long day on your feet at work., It's not addictive. I've taken it on and off for years for nerve pain but it's used off-label for restless legs. My doctor prescribed that in my pre-addiction life years ago because I would every now and then get bouts of RLS.

    And I agree!!! I'm mostly a trooper but RLS is the one symptom that could sabotage my detox. It's horrible. I can't imagine trying to lay in bed next to someone and try to be still. It only feels worse once we try to be still. I feel soooo bad for you right now but you are almost there!

  29. #89
    Gonnawin is offline Member
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    My issue with going to the doctor is that I don't have a Primary Care Doc right now. I just got insurance in November after I got married and haven't gotten around to setting up a doc. I could probably go to an immediate care center but idk if I could get something like that there. What do u think?

  30. #90
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    I think you should get your azz in gear and call to choose a primary care. That's what I think. Set up an appt and then go to a walk-in care and tell them you can't stand the RLS and that you are newly insured, didn't have a primary until recently and can't get in to see him/her until ?????? I'm guessing they'll give you some. Just say it's interfering with your sleep and you gotta work. That someone told you their doctor prescribed it for them for RLS. It's very common. They just might give just enough to last until your appt. Make those calls tomorrow!!
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