Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 30 of 36
Like Tree1Likes
TightRope, Trying Again...(27th try).....Day 5 >Hydorcodone
  1. #1
    TightRope is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    24

    Default TightRope, Trying Again...(27th try).....Day 5 >Hydorcodone

    Hey its, TightRope trying again!!!...!???

    With a sponcer, a family member, "to try a little bit harder, couldn't you try just a little bit more..?"

    Thanks to all you out there hitting the keys, your making a difference in our electronic-drug-addict-world-ensuing.
    Reading lessons is knowledge thnx. [ All you lurkers out thar, its the 21st Centurey, get with it, make a difference....]

    Day 5 been horrible, a downard spiral....
    Rock Bottom is so close and I totaly feel physicaly horrible! (I can hear the rock bottom echo!)

    Morning at work was trouble i forgot the xanax at home. (i been trying a variation of the Thomas recipe)
    I was driving home at lunch to get a Xanax cause I was FRECKING AT WORK!!!!
    Then I realy, just had a car accident in my van I was crossing an intercetion and a car turned left in front of me at a light---->Crash!!! No injuries, just a hassel with Murphys Law.!.!..~~~~~
    I got it all covered with my family sponcer for work and rides and insurance.

    Telling a familey member the honest truth was a big, different, benifical, step.
    Like dropping a BOMB and it's a Big Deal!
    Just telling another Human makes a difference.
    I can't stress how much that is meaning right now.
    Just make sure the Human you tell can handle it all.
    {You can always tell Yoda, jk.}

    Anxiety is crazy for me now, maybe becacuse I parted so hard, so long, so Young.
    I was always the one who had Joint at parties as kids.
    I'm Nervous wreck now. But this is it. I'm in it to win it!
    I should have know it was not going to be easy...

    I could not "Stay Under the Radar" and get Kleen.
    IT DID NOT WORK FOR ME, CONFINING IN ANOTHER HUMAN IS WORKING ALONG WITH HITTING THE KEYS.

    "My heart goes out to others,
    Who are there to make amends." -SRV
    (esp, Tom, Sam, Shawn making a difference!)



    Hang Tough.------TightRope.

  2. #2
    tom27 is offline Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Posts
    160

    Default

    dam man what a day ya, I have come to not like Murphy anymore lol,I'm glad you told someone thats huge,u helps being able to have face to face interactions , I'm glad to see your not giving up,honestly99 percent of people would have said screw it by now, you just have to keep telling yourself you are doing this, you know its not gonna be easy but you have the entire rest of your life ahead of you,so what that you have to put in some hellish time,before you know it you will be looking back at everything you have posted and be like man I don't want to go back to that place. you will get there just keep plugging along,sometimes its by the day and sometimes by the hour, just own each victory ,that is your victory and No One can take that from you.

    keep fighting

    Tom

  3. #3
    TightRope is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    24

    Default

    Yea!
    When those air bags went off, it was like a LIFE FLASH!
    What the heck are you doing with The Gift of Life!!!!!
    This is too close to rock bottom now, detoxing, and those air bags stank!!!
    It was too real, the colledge student who I hit was so cool, it was a trip.
    Missed a half day of work then, the next day work ammped up to more Hell, after they gave me a loaner ride though.
    Saw the dealer at work, it was a big deal, got the sign.
    Kept on walking. I'm not trying this time. I'm Doing.
    That was big for me, i was suffering at work bad too, but taking supplements.
    I have all the Thomas ingredents and lots of Gator Aid and other apporaches, it is the 27th battle.!
    (I can feel the Force this time, Yoda.lol)
    I know I can talk a lot of cheap talk hitting the keys, in the past, you gotta vent.
    But if you ain't trying, what are you doing?

    I Just have restless leg in the day. All-day. I'm Nervous wreck!!!!
    The weeds are also a big help to me. Yea, another drug.
    Medical Canabis really helps with the restless leg withdrawl symptoms along with other healing effects.
    I'm trying to chill with my son now, but I'm wound up like a 3 day clock....
    [He's Awesome, all good, sleeping.]

    My Sponcer is unavaible for the nite, so I'm hittin the keys...
    Hollarring out becuase my detox has me all wired me up.
    Maybe it was the L-Tyrosine? Or Not.
    I gotta stop drinking beers.....I don't need a hangover tomorrow.
    Planning on some excersise in the morning with my son, then to watch a B-Ball game.
    I'm just dredding the night!! This is it. (No too much Xanax!)
    it's Gotta start getting better right?
    'I'm In it to win it'

  4. #4
    TightRope is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    24

    Default

    "Once you start down the Dark Path,
    Forever will it Dominate your Destiny,
    Consume you it will". -Yoda

  5. #5
    TightRope is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    24

    Default

    Wow, finally i woke up and felt good!!!!!!!!
    YES. SunShine too!
    Kid is doing great, friends are over playing.
    Sponser stopped by. All good.
    The cravings are krazy now!!!!!
    I had to puff up a number, I'm getting Legal with that fast.
    Didn't puff in front of the kids, I don't smoke cigs, I am very cognisent/funny with greens.
    Smoking green, it's not like drinking...Everyone knows that right?

    No way am I going back now...
    I know, (thanks again to all you out there hitting the keys), now this is the hard part.
    But I'm cheating with the greeen. I don't want my drinking problem back either.

    I have my guard up now, with a little luck of my Irish timing getting ready to Kick It!
    Clean/sober is on the radar, in light years though..I know I'm an easy target for those Demons...
    I relapsed too many times and I'm done. I hope.

    'Keep a waking the Tightrope,
    Trying to make it right.' -TightRope.

  6. #6
    tom27 is offline Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Posts
    160

    Default

    good to here your feeling better ,I wouldn't even stress on the green ,I too dab with that ,mainly for appetite ,still struggling with gaining weight, stuck at 170, want to be190 ,ill check back in later and write more,off to a fund rasier for a 12 years old on my baseball team with bio duct cancer.

    your doin great

    Tom

  7. #7
    TightRope is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    24

    Default

    Tom, Many thanks.
    The green in my State can be legal, I just gotta find a Doc and do it.
    (It may become legal in the USA someday?)
    Once I'm Legal with a Card, I will feel alot more comfortable about it.
    Green is not well received around children, I don't blame those who don't; 'know how it is'.
    With the Green I have complete control, awareness, a little more patience, and humor
    (short term memory is short term! lol). It is a peacfull feeling for me.

    Not feeling good now, it's getting gritty!....beer thirty for sure then maybe puff.
    Anxiety is creeping in, sponcer is away, just have to vent to the keys...
    Getting the shaking leg in the day again!!! And still wound up, no L-tyrosne today. WTF?
    I a wired up and nervous Frecking on the inside!!!!!!!!! STILL!
    I'm just a bad lifelong Addict paying my dues.....It will get better, right?
    "I've got Dreams, Dreams to remember" Otis Redding.

    Maybe some Medation to my Higher Power, The Great Spirit, "ElectroMagneticKarma".
    (now I'm typing nuts, hope I'm not getting off/kilt all apoligies to anyone offended, like I said, I am FREAKING on the inside still!!!!)

    Thanks to all typing, just do it. Thanks again Tom, I was inspired when you found that pill and crushed it! It was very Symbolic for me too. I don't think that your light weight is really a problem? If you are active?
    Your not diabetic right?

    I gotta cook for kids and Kick some Tunes...........

    Remember Yoda: "Mind what you have learned, save you it you can".

    -TightRope

  8. #8
    tom27 is offline Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Posts
    160

    Default

    I have to say I'm 43 and since I was 16 I have allways been on something ,been down some dark roads in my life, dont really drink much anymore but every now and then ill have a couple cold ones,the green helped out at night and kept the tv on so my mind wouldn't wonder around,yes I'm active I'm self employed construction ,so very physical work,I just look very skinny,not a diabetic as far as I know ,ill be back later man just wanted to check in on ya

    keep fighting

    Tom

  9. #9
    The Husband is offline Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Posts
    230

    Default

    Tightrope I am glad you are winning the battle. I hope you can stick to your plan.

    Tom the weight should come back with time I felt like I could eat everything in the house and not gain weight but now I have gained the weight back took months

  10. #10
    tom27 is offline Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Posts
    160

    Default

    thanx for the info,I eat so much >>>> (and good stuff) but not gaining much, I'm sure some people would live that problem.lol. anyways take care guys ill either jump in later or in the morning .

    Tom

  11. #11
    TightRope is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    24

    Default

    Back again.
    Wow Tom, we are the same age, same history...? I may have started younger.? ('family tradition')
    The Husband, I was wondering if you were Lurking. Thanks for the shout out. Yes I'm back.
    You pass 6 months clean right?
    My Sponser stopped by with Valuim(s), wow did that help!!!!
    Addicted to posting or is this blogging? You all know for me it's a Hellish, Krazy, Battle....
    I Told the kids it was blogging. I'm really glad I'm "With out a Net" for real.
    I just slipped on ice playing with the kids today and pulled one of my front quadriceps, bad.
    A perfect trigger/excuse to use. It hurts like crazy, walking is very painfull. Murphy's Law striks again!
    I got to lay down an rest, just feeling a dread-anxiety now, too much to do, with leg pain.
    Tomorrow should be better.....I know it will be busy.

    Thanks to you both, and to all of you out there I have read and learned from; 'save you it will'.

    -TightRope

  12. #12
    TightRope is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    24

    Default

    My Cravings are crazy, an Addict I am.
    Inside I still fee anxiety ridden. Work is tomorrow I gotta have a good day.
    The Demons are a work, I'm up for the fight though.

    The "Big Picture" is going great with my Kid.
    Great weekend at Dad's. With Sponcer help, the house was full of kids all weekend.
    Very modavating to get my life back and start 'Take'in Car of Business'. -BTO

    Tomorrow I gotta feel better, maybe with some luck of my Irish?
    Yes I'll have some beer(s) tomorrow after work. I have a lot of American/Irish Friends.
    I can't wait to feel Good. I hope I can sleep tonight, because I'm going for it.

    -WaallKin The TightRope......

  13. #13
    tom27 is offline Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Posts
    160

    Default

    hey bud sorry I have been MIA, extremely tough couple of days,I don't know if you read one of my posts about one of my sons close friend that is 12 years old and on our baseball team,he whats called bio duct cancer ,extremely extremely rare for a child, unfortunately his days with US are numbered, in fact most likely anyday he will be gone,we gave my son the choice to go see him today( BTW he looks bad) my son wanted to see him, that was freaking the hardest thing to go through , I have been in tears for days now,my son keeps saying its not fair,and its not,this was truly a great kid.this whole thing puts everything in check, tightrope ,trust me man you have to get clean and stay clean, we have a choice to live,this poor kid doesn't have a choice,it has been chosen for him, and that goes for everyone else,ya life is not fair sometimes I get that,but if we as addicts van make the right choice and stop doing the foolish things we do we can turn our lives around,put it like this,,this kid is only 12 and would give anything to live ,but he cant and its just a matter of time,we are stupid enough to do things and take things that will ultimately kill us,I don't know about you but I'm not ready to die,I want to see my kids grow up... sorry I rambled so much but the hurt in my heart and my sole is just unbearable,I couldn't even think how I would be if that was my son, everyone that reads this please take a minute and pray for this boy,the time is now for all of US to pull our head out of our a$$ and get with the program , I say screw the meds that have put US here.

    stay strong,
    keep fighting

    your friend Tom

  14. #14
    The Husband is offline Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Posts
    230

    Default

    Prayers... Real puts life in perspective of what really matters... Family and Friends are blessing along with each day they are all gifts nothing is promised

  15. #15
    tom27 is offline Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Posts
    160

    Default

    thanx husband ,through all of this going on I just checked my calendar and today is 60 days for me, hope all is well with everyone

    Tom

  16. #16
    tom27 is offline Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Posts
    160

    Default

    where you at man? u haven't been around since Sunday ,did the little green guy kid nap you last night ?

    Tom

  17. #17
    The Husband is offline Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Posts
    230

    Default

    That great Tom 2 months. tightrope is known to go MIA hope he is still clean when he shows back up. I just made 200 days finally sleeping normal again.

  18. #18
    The Husband is offline Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Posts
    230

    Default

    Tightrope I always found alcohol made the WD/PAWS flare up...

  19. #19
    TightRope is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    24

    Default

    Hey,still clean!
    Dealing the the mess of my life!

    Tom, wow that is a reality check. That is really tough to handle for you and your family. My prayers are with you all. I agree with you, I need to get clean and stay clean. I can't imagin what your family is going through. Life is a Gift and you never know.
    (60 days is a great mile stone for you)

    The Husband, I think your right about drinking. I just miss my drinking friends.
    Sleeping is a real problem for me, last night I had no REM. I hope it gets better soon.

    I only had one beer on St. Patrick's Day, that was abnormal for me. I did have a little green.
    Today is the first day I felt ok even with a bad nite sleep. I was having a good day, till I dropped off my son at my ex-wife's after work. I don't want to blame anyone else but myself for this addiction, but she is MY BIGGEST TRIGGER!! I think she is bi-polar, she's always angry, yelling at me and him, blaming me, Controling him and I worry about my son in her care. I go out of my way to be kind to her to be an example for my son and help her out often. It is not the saddness you are dealing with Tom, but it still brings me to tears, too often.
    I agree with alot of what you said, very inspiring, may Peace be with you and yours.

    Thanks guys.

    "My heart goes out to others,
    Who are there to make amends.' -TightRope

  20. #20
    The Husband is offline Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Posts
    230

    Default

    That's Great your still clean and acknowledge what your triggers are. Everyday is different all you can do is look for the good in the world and be positive because if you do otherwise are you really living?

  21. #21
    TightRope is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    24

    Default

    Happy First Saturday of Spring all,
    I hope this season is a genisis for the Phenix in use all.
    Every end brings a new begining...

  22. #22
    TightRope is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    24

    Default

    I need to get spell check and read the Forum Rules I guess......(right? Administrator?)
    (I'm old-school and no time now with my 10 year old GateWay computer..)
    So, let's try that again:

    Happy First Saturday of Spring all,
    I hope this change in the season is a genesis for the Phoenix in us all.
    Every end brings a new beginning.......

    'I do believe I'm feeling stronger every day'

    'The Husband' I agree with you. I can feel my Spirit and Soul returning full of life.
    My craving's were bad for a while, they come and go.
    Canibis is very helpful for that, for me. It still kinda feels like cheating,,,,until I get legal with it.
    For me, I will be better than drinkin. I just hope it becomes more accecptable.
    I am struggling now to get out of the money hole I dug and the car crash. Digging for Rock-Bottom I was.
    This disease of addiction demands Respect, I have underestimated it many times.
    It is not larger than the wise and prepaired Human Spirit. "Mind what you have learned, save you it can"
    Thanks again to all you out there hitting the keys. I have minded what I have learned from you all.

    May you all have Peace and Strength from within.

    Walkin the tightrope,
    streatched around the world,
    Walkin the tightrope,
    for all the Boys and Girls. srv

  23. #23
    tom27 is offline Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Posts
    160

    Default

    good morning all haven't had the time to post anything the past couple of days, been a really tough few days around here ,67 days now, still in a haze about this whole thing,my baseball team had a beautiful tribute at Thursday nights game,my son will be wearing his friends Jersey for the rest of the season, I am lucky to have such a great kid, this whole thing was a huge test for me, tightrope glad your still fighting

    Tom

  24. #24
    TightRope is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    24

    Default

    Tom27,
    Thanks, it is still a fight for me, it comes and goes in waves. I'm Craving bad today.

    What you are going through would be a huge test for anyone!!!! This is a really sad/tough time for you and yours. It will pass, time will heal the saddness. It's a good thing you are 67 days clean to be 'Your-Self, Dad, a Rock' for your son and others now. Agreed this was a Huge Test for you and it may linger for a while. Be that Solid Rock during this test (as we all know, you will be tested again).
    Your clean 'Self' is needed now more than ever as you pass this test and then become stronger within.

    My thoughts and Prayers are with you and your family and the young one we lost too soon.
    Again, Peace be with you all.
    -TightRope
    Iwantoff2013 likes this.

  25. #25
    Join Date
    Mar 2014
    Posts
    292

    Default

    Congrats on day....what 11??? I hear 27th try is the charm!! lol. Can't fail forever right. Your posts are inspiring. Today is my day 1 :/ I keep telling myself this too shall pass...this too shall pass. LOL We will see tomorrow how motivated I am. I have weaned down a lot. I've done this before so I know the drill. My experience so far is this is no where near as bad as a time I've been through before. Before on Day 1 I already felt like I weighed 100 lbs and hit by a train. So...today I only feel semi tired...so far so good. Just wanted to let you know you are motivating someone else. Its easy to take a pill...but its harder to look yourself in the mirror and be someone your proud of. Keep hanging in there!!
    Last edited by Anonymous; 03-24-2014 at 10:15 AM.

  26. #26
    tom27 is offline Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Posts
    160

    Default

    what up tightrope, how you doin man? just a quick check in on you to make sure your still ok, someones got to do it,lol, check back in later got to finish this roof today,going fishing for a couple days and the home owner might get mad if his roof ain't done.

    stay strong bud

    Tom

  27. #27
    TightRope is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    24

    Default

    Hello out there.

    Sorry I've been MIA for a while, I have had some computer problems with my 10 Year old Gateway and I don't dare post on this website with my work computer. Somehow I got the gateway working, for now.
    I still have no money for a new computer from being a drug addict, among other problems.

    These problems include that I have no good news regarding my struggle.

    [B]BIG FAT RELAPSE!!!![/B]

    I was doing ok for a while. (thank you all for support and sharing your experiences you are making a difference, this wisdom I will always keep and continue to learn from). I'm still struggling with my 'drug seeking behaivor' that I have had from my early teen years. I now realize that this 'drug seeking behaivor' will be with me for the rest of my life. That is hard to accecpt and deal with.

    After being kleen from the pills for a while, I started to get tooth pain and was very concerned about it. It started as minor disscomfort during the day, but when I laid down at night to sleep the pain was unbearable and kept me awake for a while. Then the tooth pain would keep me awake all nite.
    I was trying everything, OTC's, sensitive toothpaste, sleeping in a recliner, etc. Nothing was working. I finally went to the dentist and got some antibiotics and yes, Vicoden. I could not miss anymore sleep, it was affecting my health and work. Even with the meds from the dentist, I was still in pain and had then a semi-eurgent root canal with no money for it, I could not afford the crown yet, so this really sucks.
    The worst part is that I have another differet tooth causing me pain also. Murphys Law at it's best, I think Murphy is my uncle? lol.

    This was incredabley bad timing for me, (for anyone really) I just got a new-used ride from the recent crash I had during detox and have no money now with the used auto loan i have. I am re-digging a money dept hole.

    So, I made a really stupid, impulsive, craving-influenced, self-destructing, Drug-Addict move to go back to using, more than what the dentist gave me. I re-established old habits with my dealer and started buring money that I don't have. It's like after this happened, I now have terrible 'I don't care attitude'.

    I can't realy describe how horrible I feel about myself. I feel like I don't care and am very lost in my life with nothing to look fowared to, no productive escape or anything. Anthing I try to plan or do with my son involve my biggest trigger, my ex-wift.. I'm just going through the motions now. (my sponser does not know I relapsed as of now). I have never felt so deflated and lost, right now I feel like I just don't care. This negative fog I am currently in may also be influenced by a major depressive episode I am in. I have a history of suffering from depression from time to time, I take Cymbalta which has worked great for me in the past, i'm hoping it will do its thing soon.
    Right now, my self confidence and inner strenght is at an all-time low.
    I will detox/quit again, but I feel like I need to be strong and in a confident state of mind to do it while maintaining my job and life, I do not want to set myself up to fail, again. (Maybe I should check in to re-hab if my schedule will allow it) I hope my strenght and confidence (Force) come back to me soon so I can quit again because this really sucks now.

    Sorry to vent all of this negativity after the positive steps I had taken, thanks again to all for help in the past.
    I know that relapsing is common, but that does not mean it in accecptable. Now I learned the hard way that detoxing it very hard to do, but staying clean is even harder. Sometimes the hared way is the best way to learn.


    (Tom, I hope you and yours have been healing, my thoughts and prayers have been with you all)


    -TightRope

  28. #28
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    5,146

    Default

    Well I am sure glad that you came back here and vented. That alone takes courage--but you know that or you'd have done it sooner,right?

    OK so you relapsed. Big sigh. OK so you have to learn to forgive yourself. Big sigh again. I'm not sure if I've had 28 relapses under my belt, but I betcha I'm close or have more. The "I don't give a sh** anymore" is all a part of what every single one of us feels when we relapse. It gives us permission to just keep on keeping. You obviously do care if you take the time to re-read your post and see what we see between the lines. You didn't come here to 'fess up for sympathy or an answer. It's Step 1 and you know it.

    So,what are you going to do? When you going to take action? Have you ever tried rehab before? Did it help? If it did, now is as good a time as any. With each detox it gets harder, doesn't it? Feels like "I just can't face that again". But you did....27 other times! What's 27 without 28 anyway? Seriously, I never kept count of my relapses but suffice it to say that I abused for over 20 yrs. I'm a Mom and Grandmother and I did have those lucid moments when,if for no other reason, I was broke and ashamed.

    There is sobriety after addiction. I'm 4 yrs clean as of early Jan,2010 and I can't imagine going back into that hole WE ALL know so well. So, when is your Day 1? We're here. Where are you?

    Peace,

    Cat

  29. #29
    phillykid is offline New Member
    Join Date
    May 2014
    Posts
    1

    Default

    Hey I'm on day 11 on my cold Turkey detox and I am starting to get better. I can't stand the fact that right when I think I'm feeling better it goes downhill again with the creepy crawlies and diarrhea wtfffffffff. I still can't sleep was wondering how much longer till I get better place respond thank u.

  30. #30
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    5,146

    Default

    Philly,

    I'll start your own thread (if you haven't already). You'll get direct answers just for you and won't have to search your previous posts on others' threads. When you post tell us your story including what your DOC was,for long and how much per day. Believe me, you'll find more than one of us who can relate and share our own experiences.

    Look for your thread that I'll name "Phillykid Needs Help!".

    Peace,

    Cat

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. Replies: 2
    Last Post: 10-09-2017, 03:12 AM
  2. Suboxone Jump Soon - Walking on Tightrope
    By carloscipher in forum Suboxone Treatment
    Replies: 28
    Last Post: 09-05-2016, 06:45 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22