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Couple quick questions hoping experts can answer
  1. #1891
    UncleLeo is offline Advanced Member
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    Hahaha...that really made me laugh this morning Lvg, thank you!

    The electric...that's the good stuff, all natural. Just like the Energies...and neuroplasticity.

    I think I was feeling a little down for a bit recently after trying to still re-mend fences with my mom and sister and ended up getting thoroughly reamed by my sister - pathetic, mopey, lonely, loser, failure with no wife and no kids and not even a house who only thinks about himself...it went on and only got worse...but that's about all i remember.

    Something about having your own family members say out loud to you for the entire neighborhood to hear all your own worst internal thoughts that we've all worked so hard to change and re-frame etc. Even though I know she doesn't know what she's talking about...something was clearly sticky there as it definitely effected my sleep and kept showing up in dreams.

    Anyway...that's a little update for now...more that's positive to follow but think i just needed to get that out. Will catch up on everyone's threads this weekend since i'm nursing a cold.

    Jeff - thank you for the kind words. Will look for your thread. Hope my thread helps you in some small way. (it's a doozy!)
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  2. #1892
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Yep I was laughing too so thank you...
    Thank you for always being there for me from day one...
    I know the man you are. Be proud Leo I'm proud of you. You have come so far. Just keep doing what your doing one day I promise you your family is going to say how proud of you they are it takes time I promise you. Keep doing the next right thing...

    ~love u
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  3. #1893
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by UncleLeo View Post
    Hahaha...that really made me laugh this morning Lvg, thank you!

    The electric...that's the good stuff, all natural. Just like the Energies...and neuroplasticity.

    I think I was feeling a little down for a bit recently after trying to still re-mend fences with my mom and sister and ended up getting thoroughly reamed by my sister - pathetic, mopey, lonely, loser, failure with no wife and no kids and not even a house who only thinks about himself...it went on and only got worse...but that's about all i remember.

    Something about having your own family members say out loud to you for the entire neighborhood to hear all your own worst internal thoughts that we've all worked so hard to change and re-frame etc. Even though I know she doesn't know what she's talking about...something was clearly sticky there as it definitely effected my sleep and kept showing up in dreams.

    Anyway...that's a little update for now...more that's positive to follow but think i just needed to get that out. Will catch up on everyone's threads this weekend since i'm nursing a cold.

    Jeff - thank you for the kind words. Will look for your thread. Hope my thread helps you in some small way. (it's a doozy!)

    Hello My Friend -

    Long time, no talk! As you know my family (my ENTIRE family) would have nothing to do with me for quite some time. But eventually they did ALL come around and now all is well and we're all family again. My hope is that your sister realizes one day just how hard you've worked to get where you are today and apologize to you and tell you how proud of you she is, just was we are here. Don't let her get you down. I know, easier said than done right. That's what people kept telling me, that one day my family would realize I was a different person and they would understand that. And despite my believing it would never happen it did. So hang in there buddy.

    Randy
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  4. #1894
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Hello Happy Monday...
    You know I don't know how to do all those fancy computer things...
    Like sisyphus I thought of you while lmao... pkZXEf304ss nuggets
    Too funny my friend...
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  5. #1895
    UncleLeo is offline Advanced Member
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    So I'm up in Portland this week...been up here all week with YG visiting her ENTIRE family...

    Realized I haven't met someone's family without a pill in I don't know how long. Was both liberating and a bit frightening...

    I think it went ok. Actually never even thought about a pill tbh, which I guess is a good sign. Still exhausting tho...

  6. #1896
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    Uncle Leo - good for you for getting out and about. Anything worth liberating yourself is worth it, don't you think? Never thinking about a pill has to be the best feeling, especially of what you went through. You were and are one tenacious person. You should be so very proud of yourself, even if every day is "wonderful" it's something. I think things will get better. I know they will. I noted you spoke of your family. As Randy said, if there was one family I didn't know if they would all get back together again and that was Randy's. Look at him now. He just kept trying and trying. He got knocked down and he picked himself up time after time. He's married now and life, I believe, for him, is one bright picture. It's attitude, nutrition, exercise. Whenever I do these things I feel so much better. It's keeping on that road that I need to work on. Keep up your good work.

    Hope
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  7. #1897
    Ming23 is offline Platinum Member
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    Hey Uncleleo
    It’s not enough for some people that you became an attorney, don’t have a string of ex wives, and can run for miles. Nope. And i suspect that it will Never be Good Enuff for some folks either, no matter what u achieve. Did they always treat u like this? No wonder u felt bad!
    No offense, but ur sister sounds jealous.
    You’re a good man and a fine human being! Play your cards as you like...
    Luv ya bro
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  8. #1898
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Wow look at you my friend...
    You have come such a long way from your first pacific northwest trip ughh to your brother's to Portland can you see me cheering.... Yea UncleLeo...

    ~docks all day buddy....
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  9. #1899
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Hello UncleLeo...
    I wore out the energies
    I got a few suggestions from my support group thought I would share with you and I guess all reading eh... the power of vulnerability Brene Brown, the price of invulnerability, listening to shame... Let me know...
    Glad to read things are easing up... Whew...
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  10. #1900
    UncleLeo is offline Advanced Member
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    Mingy - your post was so funny about the stuff with my sister. I finally have a really good therapist these days and that is almost exactly what she said too! Sister is either just angry with her life or jealous or deflecting. So I'm just leaving that one alone for now...

    Lvg - ahhhh the Energies. Yep. So I think I read that Brene Brown one - she has a few good ones - I think mostly revolving around the shame stuff right? Super helpful hearing someone else give voice to it. May need to reread it again.

    As to lyfe and my trip to Portland that I've been gathering my thoughts on how to share re sleep stuff - so that whole part was basically a disaster... I'm used to just sleeping in my own bed in own place solo. And of course always being tired all the time still. But this time I'm sharing a pretty big hotel room and a half with YG and 3 year old...

    Apparently I wake up every hour...I eat in my sleep...I sleepwalk around...I tried to lay down on TOP of the kid in the wrong bed and wrong ROOM...and also now snore really badly. So no wonder I'm always tired...makes me tired just writing that. So that was def no bueno...have a therapist appointment this week, and see my p-doc next week. I think it's prob a side effect of the remeron...that stuff is pretty strong and puts you out but apparently not totally out...sigh.

    No Energies for me these days...

  11. #1901
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Hey UncleLeo,
    Geeze I'm not sure if I should laugh or cry... Thanks for reminding me that my 5 hours of sleep I get today that I'm grateful. Do you think it's the remeron? I know you have been having sleep issues which seems like forever for you now but did you always sleep eat walk? I just have no words... Google vulnerability Berne Brown pretty insightful nothing to do with shame in the way your thinking. As for your sister UncleLeo sometimes the people who are the closest to us are the most judgemental and demeaning, when this happens to me and it does I stop tell myself they just don't know any better so I show them love compassion and empathy hopefully one day after repeating those positive actions they just might get it.

    ~ If I don't show and act like I want to be treated how can I expect to get it back...
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  12. #1902
    UncleLeo is offline Advanced Member
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    Sleep issues for days...errrr years...

    Well, now that I think about it I did sometimes eat in my sleep now and then. And talking to my mom, my dad did too and it's another fun hereditary thing... Anyway - stopped taking the Remeron to see if anything changes. We'll see. Sleeping less, but less groggy at least. And didn't enjoy working out every day but always gaining more and more weight...

    And Lvg- I swear I read that Brene Brown book. I gotta look around here and make sure it was same one...lemme see...I read Daring Greatly and maybe one other one...is that it? She's good stuff.
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  13. #1903
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Morning UncleLeo,
    Ha hereditary hmm not sub related eh lol.. Can or should you just stop taking the remeron? Ohhh did you think I enjoyed walking working out sweating well I didn't and still don't grrr. But remaining vigilant in all areas of my life has some pretty awesome consequences as I'm a tad bit older than you I'm in the best shape I've ever been. Have some health issues I'm dealing with but all in all things are going pretty good. Talk about family Leo well I'm not sure all I put out on here but my cousin who was murdered drug related the kid had his day in court in short I was not welcomed in court because my family just does not understand how I can have empathy for this 22 year old drug addict murderer. Today and I believe only another addict can only truly see both sides as awful as it is. Two lives lost to this disease. Lost my train of thought ha yes Berne Brown same I haven't read her books just all her videos the Ted x one made me think of you and how you were feeling about your sister. Definitely good stuff my friend. So all that said what's good in the life of Leo today?
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  14. #1904
    UncleLeo is offline Advanced Member
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    I hear ya Lvg. It drives me crazy watching so many people passing judgment on other people whose problems and suffering they know nothing about...

    Not sure what exactly is good right now... I think I'm on like day 3 or 4 of no Remeron...joints are hurting less, and less bloated - many that's a nasty drug. But will admit - it does help with both sleep and depression. And YG and really anyone else not on here (other than my clients ironically) just don't understand...it's funny my clients actually help me prob just as much as I help them.

    Not sure how long this Remeron withdrawal will last...so anyone with pep talks would be much appreciated. Thanx
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  15. #1905
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by UncleLeo View Post
    I hear ya Lvg. It drives me crazy watching so many people passing judgment on other people whose problems and suffering they know nothing about...

    Not sure what exactly is good right now... I think I'm on like day 3 or 4 of no Remeron...joints are hurting less, and less bloated - many that's a nasty drug. But will admit - it does help with both sleep and depression. And YG and really anyone else not on here (other than my clients ironically) just don't understand...it's funny my clients actually help me prob just as much as I help them.

    Not sure how long this Remeron withdrawal will last...so anyone with pep talks would be much appreciated. Thanx
    Hey Good Morning my friend,
    Well it doesn't drive me crazy I find it quite sad the stigma of addiction. I can so identify how much your clients help you that's just a small part of why I keep going to meetings. I remember you saying how do I have the sub talk, did you have that talk with yg? I know zero about antidepressants but I'm kinda thinking you should have a talk with the new therapist ya know... Us Addicts should not be self medicating or self diagnosing. Man you have come so far don't let a little sleep/eat walking gaining some weight get you down eh... Just say No to the cookies
    What's good you woke clean alive, job car with headlights ha relationships and everyday no matter what you face life on life's terms and if your not feeling grateful go back to day one on your thread... Wow just proud of you...
    I'm not sure how peppy that was but if you use your imagination I'm cheering with pom poms in hand...
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  16. #1906
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by UncleLeo View Post
    I hear ya Lvg. It drives me crazy watching so many people passing judgment on other people whose problems and suffering they know nothing about...

    Not sure what exactly is good right now... I think I'm on like day 3 or 4 of no Remeron...joints are hurting less, and less bloated - many that's a nasty drug. But will admit - it does help with both sleep and depression. And YG and really anyone else not on here (other than my clients ironically) just don't understand...it's funny my clients actually help me prob just as much as I help them.

    Not sure how long this Remeron withdrawal will last...so anyone with pep talks would be much appreciated. Thanx

    Hey Buddy!

    I was thinking things between you and YG were basically over as per your prior posts about the situation? It's nice that you spent time with her and her family. Right?

    It appears you're in a much better place these days. I sure hope so. You're getting out more and seem to be more upbeat. That's definitely a good thing. I hope many are reading your thread from beginning to now. It's eye-opening for sure, but shows just how tough some of us can be when we want what we want.

    You are the exact definition of going at your recovery just as hard as you did at chasing the drugs. And that's exactly what it takes to succeed.

    I hope things continue to improve for you my friend. You certainly deserve it!

    Randy
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  17. #1907
    Ming23 is offline Platinum Member
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    Hey Uncleleo
    Just checking in buddy! Always happy to touch base.
    I had cataract surgery on Friday the 13th. Lol. Next eye on the 23rd. It certainly was getting darker. This would be better!
    I hope you’re doing ok. I’m still taking tramadol as needed. Really helps. Old age is not for sissies—I think Bette Davis coined that one!
    Today, I’m baking a coffee cake. Stuck in the house until my eye adjusts. Got these huge dark glasses. Once I’m done with the eyes, my brother and niece will come down for a visit. Excellent!
    So, any plans for Spain? Lol
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  18. #1908
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    How we doing my friend??
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  19. #1909
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Hey btw that was an awesome update ha

  20. #1910
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Hi Uncle Leo,

    So. I know squat about Remeron and in fact, had never heard of it so I just read a bit about it and I'm sure you've done that too. How long and how much were you taking? It appears that this is a major factor in how long it will take for you to get back to "normal" (whatever that is lol). I also read that you should lose that extra weight as your appetite returns to normal. I commiserate with you, buddy. After I quit my opiates it only took a few months and I was carrying around an extra 20 pounds and that's on this 5'2 body! It was distressing and I hated it. Diet? Oh no!!!

    Hang in there. Lvg gave you some awesome advice. The instinct to self medicate got us here in the first place. Now that you're seeing a therapist that you like and you are doing all the right things, let him/her do their job and get you on track.

    Peace,

    Cat
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  21. #1911
    UncleLeo is offline Advanced Member
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    Thank you Cat and Lvg, Mingy...

    Haven't really had it in me to update. Doing ok...been worse. Been better...fighting some of the harder fatigue/exhaustion patterns I hadn't had since the "dark days."

    But I've been trying to battle through it. Yesterday started off just brutally...after poor sleep, was one of those days I get where after showering and shaving and 2 cups of coffee - want to just get back in bed and pull the covers over my head.

    Instead I pulled on a suit and tie and sat in 90 minutes of traffic in 95 degree heat to get to court to battle a judge all morning...battled through my afternoon work...still wanted to just lay down in my cave but pulled myself to a workout class so I could just move my whole body some.

    Finally made it home...and cooked some dinner, then it was such a nice night out after the heat cooled down, and I was just sitting in my cave...picked myself back up one more time and walked down the street to the Wednesday night live Jazz in the Park we do around here.

    And I will say - kinda made it all worth it. Was so so nice out and peaceful listening to some live music in nice weather under the redwood trees with other humans. I had to laugh to myself about the old days when I couldn't even take listening to any music...hurt my ears...sigh.
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  22. #1912
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by UncleLeo View Post
    Thank you Cat and Lvg, Mingy...

    Haven't really had it in me to update. Doing ok...been worse. Been better...fighting some of the harder fatigue/exhaustion patterns I hadn't had since the "dark days."

    But I've been trying to battle through it. Yesterday started off just brutally...after poor sleep, was one of those days I get where after showering and shaving and 2 cups of coffee - want to just get back in bed and pull the covers over my head.

    Instead I pulled on a suit and tie and sat in 90 minutes of traffic in 95 degree heat to get to court to battle a judge all morning...battled through my afternoon work...still wanted to just lay down in my cave but pulled myself to a workout class so I could just move my whole body some.

    Finally made it home...and cooked some dinner, then it was such a nice night out after the heat cooled down, and I was just sitting in my cave...picked myself back up one more time and walked down the street to the Wednesday night live Jazz in the Park we do around here.

    And I will say - kinda made it all worth it. Was so so nice out and peaceful listening to some live music in nice weather under the redwood trees with other humans. I had to laugh to myself about the old days when I couldn't even take listening to any music...hurt my ears...sigh.
    Proud of you. I know how hard it is at times to get out of our own way. The desire to isolate and not keep moving can be overwhelming but I do know that just some walking will make us feel better at least for a little bit. Sometimes that's just what we need to do--get thru the moment with the hope that the relief will last longer and longer. It can be frustrating and deflating, especially after you seemed to have passed all that garbage and it reappears for a different reason. Hang in there, Leo. Have you considered maybe a different, less potent med to deal with your depression? Dumb question. I reiterate to leave it up to the powers that be. This stuff is hit or miss, trial and error until they find the right med and dose that will work. Just a blip. Not fun when it interferes with our lives and sense of well being.

    Thinking of you.

    Peace,

    Cat
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  23. #1913
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Good Morning UncleLeo,
    I know how hard those days are... The fatigue the physical exhaustion unrelenting!!
    I don't have an answer but just my experience to share for me it felt like it was never ending like give me a break haven't I suffered enough... As you know I searched everywhere for the answer listened to everyone that this too shall pass... Or just get up walk to the dock yeah insert eye rolls I wanted to strangle all of you. So I kept pushing "energies' yep more eye rolls... But as those days, weeks, months ha years flew by the good days out weighed the bad. Now that brick wall shows up now and again grrr but I have accepted it, it is what it is. I just know today the answer is not ever using the garbage again. I really don't know anything about antidepressants for me it was all about the physical fatigue mentally I was running a marathon but physically down for the count. So UncleLeo it's just time I can promise you that hang in there buddy... Keep doing what your doing cause one day your just going to say wow today was a great day... It's just like you have been holding your breath and finally exhale....
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  24. #1914
    ChiefChe is offline Senior Member
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    Knock, knock.....it’s Me (Awkward Face). I said I would be by & now here I am. Just so you know I think you are an Amazing person & we have carried on countless conversations & pep talks in my head. Of course you wouldn’t know that b/c I have been so selfish not to share- for that I am sorry.

    Just wanted You to know how inspiring you have been to Me. I find comfort in your words b/c they solidify that I am not the only out there that thinks the way I do. You go deep Brother & it hits a cord with Me. Gee, I hope that doesn’t sound too stalkerish. I’ll stop myself now b4 I get to spewing silly string all over your place & wear out my Welocome.

    Your last post was spot on! I one day hope to be as direct as you are on detailing what I refer as “My Drill Sargent”. Not wanting to do it but pushing yourself through it (That’s ME on the daily!) and at the end receiving the reward of a warm & fuzzy that you can’t help but laugh at yourself. Makes it all worth it....Am I right?? I cherish those rewards so much more now that I’ve been through all that I have & (in true Addict behavior) starting seeking out through the day. I know all days can’t be like that so I try to improvise as much as possible.

    I wish I had Words of Wisdom to add to what Cat & Lvg said but they got you covered on that front....Time, Patience & PERSEVERANCE!! Only thing I could possibly add is to pencil in more of those times that you just sit back & laugh at yourself!

    Caring is Sharing,

    ❤️
    CC
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  25. #1915
    Ming23 is offline Platinum Member
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    Hey Uncleleo
    Sounds like a real day in the real life of a really nice man! Lol it’s good to go to the club—brings to mind the line from Cabaret: “What good is sitting alone in your room; come hear the music play...”
    The discipline of going on; not returning to bed; pushing forward in spite of ourselves!
    You got it bro! Lol
    Btw, I had my eyes done—cataract surgeries. I should have opted for the better lenses eliminating all need for reading glasses. Oh well. If you need it done, get the extra$$ lenses—my advice to you❤️❤️
    My brother and niece r coming for a visit this Saturday. He returns Monday but she’ll spend another week here. She’s 13! Remember being 13? Very exciting time of life. But, Her mother died last year of an OD —she’s the daughter of his wife’s dead sister. Her mother was only 35. Coulda been any one of us! It’s grace that enabled us to get this far! Lol
    Luv ya bro! When’s that trip to España?
    Breathe deep and relax...hola!
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  26. #1916
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Hey how we doing buddy...
    I'm on Day 6 Hmmm see all you missed lol...
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  27. #1917
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    BCS premier and no UncleLeo....
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  28. #1918
    UncleLeo is offline Advanced Member
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    Haha Lvg... I finally watched BCS last night...so good. And sad. The beginning of the episode...really hope that's never me.

    Haven't been on the boards again lately...but looks like they've been pretty quiet.

    Lvg - I stumbled across the old paper printed out "Energies" copy that I'd kept around. Need to re-read it. Was just reading the book "Grit" (good but super annoying) and they talk about Energies.

    Anyway - I'm just plugging along lately...no longer chasing those high highs or wallowing in the low lows I suppose. It's been a very hot and smoky summer here in CA. Never seen so much smoke just hovering day after day here. Makes it hard to get outside.

    Chief Che - just wanted to say how much I appreciated your words. They've really stuck with me. Never had any idea you'd ever read any of my thread. Thank you for making me feel less alone.
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  29. #1919
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by UncleLeo View Post
    Haha Lvg... I finally watched BCS last night...so good. And sad. The beginning of the episode...really hope that's never me.

    Haven't been on the boards again lately...but looks like they've been pretty quiet.

    Lvg - I stumbled across the old paper printed out "Energies" copy that I'd kept around. Need to re-read it. Was just reading the book "Grit" (good but super annoying) and they talk about Energies.

    Anyway - I'm just plugging along lately...no longer chasing those high highs or wallowing in the low lows I suppose. It's been a very hot and smoky summer here in CA. Never seen so much smoke just hovering day after day here. Makes it hard to get outside.

    Chief Che - just wanted to say how much I appreciated your words. They've really stuck with me. Never had any idea you'd ever read any of my thread. Thank you for making me feel less alone.


    Just a quick hello my friend! Hope all is well in your world. I can't believe how quiet the boards are these days. Maybe 5-10 posts per day? I remember the days when there would be nearly a 100 posts in a single day. Oh well hopefully for all the good reasons.

    Take care of yourself and keep moving forward. You have my utmost respect!

    Randy
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  30. #1920
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Hello there my friend.
    Yes re-read it is pretty insightful. Why are you finding that book annoying? Strength and perseverance never quitting well I do believe that is you eh... Oh BCS I hope that's never you. Yep pretty hot here the news says the fires and smoke is awful eh. Well stay on the boards my friend. Pretty odd not pushing that rock up or down lol...
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