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Day 19 of Suboxone, my diary.
  1. #1
    Alex13 is offline Junior Member
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    Default Day 19 of Suboxone, my diary.

    Hello everyone. My name is Alex and I'm a 41 year old pain pill addict. My story starts as a young professional motocross and street bike racer, I've wrecked hard too many times to count. I've broken most of my bones and had many extended hospital stays, this is where my love affair with pain medication started. I've abused every pain pill in the book since 24 years of age, I mean I really liked how pain pills made me feel. After years of abuse, pill mills and street hustlers the US government tightened the screws and made it very hard to get my fix. I could get pills but 60 a month? Drug test? Pill counts? I can consume 60 in a few days than the withdraws. ohh the withdraws. Can't count how many times I laid in bed sick while my beautiful wife called every friend she had to find me pills. The guilt is real. This brings me to last year, I decided ENOUGH! I went to an addiction specialist who told me about this wonder drug that would fix me called Suboxone, after asking for $400 CASH he wrote me an prescription for 8mg 3x a day(24 mg daily). On that days my life as I knew it ceased to exist; I became numb, lost all sexual desire, irritable, unsocial-able, lost interest in hobbies, isolated and fake. The side effects were horrible. I did this for a year and finally AGAIN said enough! I went back to by Doctor and explained I wanted to be free, he explained "You can't just quit" "You'll need a year long taper period which my clinic can manage for the sum of $150.00 CASH a week". I stood up and walked out, we'll do this my way. Warrior style! I broke down my remaining 60 pills and tapered the best I could, I jumped at 4 mg a day. It's been hard, crazy hard.

    Day 1-2 - I got this, not bad.
    Day 2-8 - Yikes, maybe not. I've had horrible runs, RLS, no sleep, no energy, no desire to do anything, no appetite and the feeling of having concrete blocks on my feet.
    Day 8-15 - Some improvement but not a lot. Runs have gone away, still no sleep, no energy or desires, starting to eat and still have concrete blocks for shoes.
    Day 15-19(present) - Feeling better but far from normal. Still no sleep, some energy early in the day but weans in the afternoon, appetite is returning, emotions are flooding in and guilt of my actions is difficult.

    What I'm feeling most is excitement for the future and guilt for the pain I've caused my family. I cry thinking about all the times I've shunned my beautiful children while living in my pain pill induced fog, I feel so bad but their love never wavered. Ohh the love. I'm a lucky man and have some catching up to do. While on the topic of my drug induced failures, I have something to admit; when my beautiful Mother was in the hospital in her very last days I let her side to go to my Doctor for Subs. I hope one day to forgive myself and ask everyone who reads this to forgive me. Not my proudest moment, sad actually but she knew I loved her. I TOLD HER 1000X before she passed.

    I still feel like I'm plugged into a light socket and hope that normalcy returns soon, either way I'm committed to ending the cycle of addiction.

    Last topic I'd like to ramble about is my drug dealing Doctor, now that my mind is clearing I think to myself.. Who in the right mind prescribes someone 3 8MG Suboxone a day? I mean really, he screwed up my life worse than it was before but I guess I owe him a thank you. Without him introducing me to Suboxone, I'd likely still be chasing pain pills but now that urge is gone and dead. I buried it.

    This ride has been hard, I mean really hard. See I'm a Warrior and always have choose the hard way. My Mother used to say, "Alex why do you always have to learn your lessons the hard way?" I'd always say because I'm a warrior Mom and the hard way seems to stick best with me. I don't recommend anyone trying my way, most will fail but some will succeed. I've read all the taper post, I wish I could have done it that way but my brain doesn't compute like that.

    I'll continue to to post until I feel like I have nothing else to say. Also, I'm open to questions.

    If you read this whole ramble, thank you.

    Alex
    Last edited by Anonymous; 09-05-2016 at 02:51 PM.

  2. #2
    Thisdelirium is offline New Member
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    Alex keep going .. I'm 10 year Sub user. Cold turkey 4.5 days..

  3. #3
    Iwantoff2013 is offline Platinum Member
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    Hi Alex. Welcome.

    Wow, I feel for you jumping from 4 mg of Sub. Did you do a quick taper down from 24 mg to 4 mg or did you take some time? Just curious. Either way, jumping at 4 mg was gonna be really rough.

    19 days is awesome. You should feel proud. Your post got me a little teary as I cam totally relate to neglecting my husband and not being totally present for my precious 4 yr old son while I was using. I had a relapse after 17 months clean and am now doing another Sub taper. Ugh.

    You hang in there. It will get better. Are you drinking lots of water? Taking any of the recommended supplements? Using anything (like Melatonin) for sleep? Hyland's Restful Legs will really help with the RLS. A good B Complex and L-Tyrosine will help with the fatigue and energy issues.

    Keep posting.
    Kat

  4. #4
    Alex13 is offline Junior Member
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    Hi Kat!

    It was a quick taper, I'd say 2-3 weeks. I am drinking a lot of water, melatonin, clonidine, Hylands, B complex, multi vitamins and L-tyrosine. More than anything lots of grit and determination to succeed, my oldest Daughter just started her first year at FSU and I want to be as amazing as she is. My 15 year old Daughter is still home therefore I have time to make up what I missed with her.

    I feel you about our children, once they grow up and it happens so fast our bad behaviors engrain in their personalities. I want my kids to think I'm the bomb and not the drug addict. Your Son is so young, you have plenty of time to get it right. Do it for him, your husband and most importantly yourself.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 09-05-2016 at 04:46 PM.
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  5. #5
    Alex13 is offline Junior Member
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    Today I decided to get off the sofa and take a walk while listening to some good music, as I was walking by my gym I decided to go in for a quick workout. I didn't like it but it felt pretty good, afterward I was whooped. I'm happy to report that my energy is slowly coming back. Still feeling awful but I see a little light shining through the tunnel and honestly I need it. This process has been brutal. My advice to anyone looking to quit Suboxone, listen to the professionals and taper. Warrior style is a long hard process.
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  6. #6
    Iwantoff2013 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alex13 View Post
    Hi Kat!

    It was a quick taper, I'd say 2-3 weeks. I am drinking a lot of water, melatonin, clonidine, Hylands, B complex, multi vitamins and L-tyrosine. More than anything lots of grit and determination to succeed, my oldest Daughter just started her first year at FSU and I want to be as amazing as she is. My 15 year old Daughter is still home therefore I have time to make up what I missed with her.

    I feel you about our children, once they grow up and it happens so fast our bad behaviors engrain in their personalities. I want my kids to think I'm the bomb and not the drug addict. Your Son is so young, you have plenty of time to get it right. Do it for him, your husband and most importantly yourself.
    Yeah, my sweet boy is still young and hopefully I didn't do any permanent damage. I mean, from the outside, no one would have ever guessed I was an addict. I was always out with him -- parks, classes, whatever. But I could have done so much more. Like all the times he wanted to play but I was feeling like hell and said "Mommy's gonna lay on the couch and watch you play". Or sometimes when he wanted to go for a walk and I was too tired or coming down and had to make up an excuse as to why we couldn't go. That kind of stuff kills me and the guilt and shame is a lot to take.

    Glad to hear you're taking the supplements and doing what you can to help ease the WD symptoms.

    How awesome that your daughter is starting her first year at college. Those were some of the best years of my life. And yes, you have lots of time to "re-connect" with your 15 yr old. Our kids are everything. It's time we show them that.

    Kat
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  7. #7
    Ricky71 is offline Advanced Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alex13 View Post
    Today I decided to get off the sofa and take a walk while listening to some good music, as I was walking by my gym I decided to go in for a quick workout. I didn't like it but it felt pretty good, afterward I was whooped. I'm happy to report that my energy is slowly coming back. Still feeling awful but I see a little light shining through the tunnel and honestly I need it. This process has been brutal. My advice to anyone looking to quit Suboxone, listen to the professionals and taper. Warrior style is a long hard process.
    Alex - congratulations on day 19! Keep it up, the road may be long but you will get there! Keep up with the vitamins and supplements! Drink lots of water and eat a healthy diet. Exercise will help tremendously! Stay connected to the forum, a lot of great people here with awesome advice and support! Keep on keepin on! Best of luck to you... God bless us all!
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  8. #8
    Alex13 is offline Junior Member
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    Thank you Ricky

  9. #9
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    Congratulations!
    Life is sooooo much better
    From this side!

    Exercise
    Laughing
    Chocolate
    Sex
    Feeling a sense of accomplishment !
    Extra protein..


    All these normal things will get your endorphins flowing again!

    You can do this ..

    Gratitude list!

    5 new things everyday ..

    You would be surprised how much that will do for you ..
    When you head for the pitty pot because you will!


    Rockin it clean
    In
    2016!
    Is amazing right?

    Bette

  10. #10
    Alex13 is offline Junior Member
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    The love keeps flowing from the amazing people on this site, thank you thank you thank you. Much love in return.

    Day 20 for me. Not a lot of sleep last night as I'm haunted by the craziest dreams imaginable, I wake up saying what? That was crazy. I think I'm getting a few hours a night but it's hard to tell, it seems like I'm awake all night but my dreams are getting longer and longer. I long to sleep in my bed with my wife again but the floor in my den is my happy place, I tried again to sleep beside her last night but RLS won the fight. My place is in a ball on the floor.

    I have been very honest with everyone in my life to exactly what I'm going through with exception of my boss of course, he thinks I've had a BAD stomach virus. So yesterday my Father called me and cried how proud of me he was, he told me how proud my Mother who recently passed would have been that I'm doing the right thing. That made me both proud of myself and self loathing, how can someone be proud of you for getting off drugs? As I've said before the guilt is real.

    With all that being said; I'm proud of myself because the easy route would be to keep taking Suboxone forever like some have done. For the first time in many many years I'm 100% clean and happy to be here. Even though my sleep sucks, I wake up happy and excited for the day. Today I'm excited to eat fresh authentic Mexican tacos from the local taco truck, he has been closed for the holidays. I literally have been lusting for tacos. I'm excited to be a better man, a better husband and a better Father. I texted for hours with my Oldest Daughter who just started her freshman year at FSU during the game last night, she is amazing. We thought for sure Old Miss was going to beat FSU but I told her don't give up, never give up. I was right, they came back for the win. Good times! Those are the times I had lost interest in on Suboxone.

    Today is a new day, let's make it a good one.

    Respectfully submitted,

    Alex
    Last edited by Anonymous; 09-06-2016 at 06:27 AM.
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  11. #11
    Decadeofdirt is offline New Member
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    Brother I've been on suboxone for over 8 long years. Today is day 16 without. I jumped at about 2.5 - 3mg a day. It's been hard but I definitely am feeling better every day. There are some rough days where we'll feel like we went backwards but the worst is over, physically. Now it moves into the extended post withdrawals stage which In the past for me included massive leg pains, fatigue, depression. I got off subs twice in the past 8-9 years but was always back on within a month or so. The cravings are real! I'll crave sub just like any other opiate, perhaps more because it has such a strong, energetic, durable high that can last over an entire day when your opiate receptors are clean.

    In my past experience day 30 - 60 is where I always slipped up so be vigilant and don't keep any sub in the house! I won't make that mistake again because I just cant see myself going through this >>>> another time. Any friends on sub, etc you truly may have to cut ties with. Suboxone is a drug like any other and just because we can be 'functioning' drug addicts on it does not mean it's without ramifications, or that were not addicts. One day at a time, just remember we may have won this battle but the war is never over. if you have enough determination to jump from 4mg then the rest should really be a walk in the park, just keep a strong mindset even in the months ahead! Good work, good luck and keep up the good fight!!

    God bless,

    Dj

  12. #12
    Alex13 is offline Junior Member
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    Thank you for the kind words DJ, let's do this together brother.

  13. #13
    Alex13 is offline Junior Member
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    Made it through another hard hot day of work, rewarded myself by taking my 15 year old Daughter and I to our favorite gourmet taco truck. I'm taco rich! No matter how bad I feel, the time spent with her makes it all worth it. Looking forward to my day 21 wake up. See you tomorrow
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  14. #14
    Iwantoff2013 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Decadeofdirt View Post
    Brother I've been on suboxone for over 8 long years. Today is day 16 without. I jumped at about 2.5 - 3mg a day. It's been hard but I definitely am feeling better every day. There are some rough days where we'll feel like we went backwards but the worst is over, physically. Now it moves into the extended post withdrawals stage which In the past for me included massive leg pains, fatigue, depression. I got off subs twice in the past 8-9 years but was always back on within a month or so. The cravings are real! I'll crave sub just like any other opiate, perhaps more because it has such a strong, energetic, durable high that can last over an entire day when your opiate receptors are clean.

    In my past experience day 30 - 60 is where I always slipped up so be vigilant and don't keep any sub in the house! I won't make that mistake again because I just cant see myself going through this >>>> another time. Any friends on sub, etc you truly may have to cut ties with. Suboxone is a drug like any other and just because we can be 'functioning' drug addicts on it does not mean it's without ramifications, or that were not addicts. One day at a time, just remember we may have won this battle but the war is never over. if you have enough determination to jump from 4mg then the rest should really be a walk in the park, just keep a strong mindset even in the months ahead! Good work, good luck and keep up the good fight!!

    God bless,

    Dj
    Just wanted to say congrats on 16 days! That's really great.

    I found it interesting when you said Sub got you high. I never felt any kind of high or euphoria whatsoever from Sub in 8 years of using it off and on. Most people don't get high off Sub but I guess your body chemistry is that much different. I'm so glad I never felt high from it because I most certainly would have abused it. I actually hated taking it.

    Anyway, congrats again! You're doing awesome.
    Kat

  15. #15
    Alex13 is offline Junior Member
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    Good morning everyone. It's day 21 since I took my last Suboxone! I haven't had a single craving, actually I feel like the monkey is off my back. My energy is coming back big time but I still feel way off. I started working out again and am loving the feeling of my muscles being sore, I had lost interest due to the nasty side effects from Subs.

    I'm guessing I slept about 4-6 hours last night, still having crazy dreams but have learned to control what I watch before going to sleep which helps my mind rest. Sharknado was not a good idea.

    I'll continue to post so others can gauge what to expect daily.

    Alex
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  16. #16
    Alex13 is offline Junior Member
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    Day 2 back at the gym this evening, it's my favorite place right now and the only place I feel 100%. I did have a scary moment tonight, I guess as usual I pushed a little too hard. I was doing 3 minute wind sprints and started to see white in my left eye, stopped and checked my pulse. 168! I guess I'm not quite ready for those yet. Moved on to my normal work out and never exceeded 135 again. Kinda of scary, never had that happen before.

    This week is flying by, I can see a month clean through the tunnel. I wish all of you could come over for a celebration, yea me. I couldn't have done it without this site, I've read almost ever diary going back year and stole every trick in the book.

    Much love,

    Alex
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  17. #17
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    Congratulations..

    You will continue to get better everyday..
    Then life becomes daily ..
    But to most of us if we can remember what it was like ..
    And
    Continue to share our experience strength and hope

    We will stay clean!

    Exercise is definely one of the best choices!
    I know it sounds funny but
    I feel younger today 60 ( next week)
    Then I did 10 years ago..

    So it is definely true
    Life is better
    Rockin it clean
    Together
    In
    2016!
    Bette
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  18. #18
    Alex13 is offline Junior Member
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    Good morning! Day 22 since I took my last Suboxone. I am so happy to report that I slept at least 6 hours last night without major sleep aides and it feels so good. I have mastered the Jedi mind trick to control my dreams, I focus on what I want to dream about and repeat the thought until I fall asleep. Believe it or not, it works. I'm still fighting rapid heart beat and don't feel even close to normal but I'm really starting to feel like I'm beating this thing.

    I went to my primary care Doctor yesterday to get a flu shot and explained to him what has been going on, his response was great. "I'd like to throat punch that Doctor". Coming from an older by the book Doctor, I thought it was great.

    Today I'm going to put on my headphones and jam my way through work, I have two buildings to design today and for the first time in 22 days I'm feeling creative. I have made a list of songs that really speak to me during this process, if anyone is interested I'd be happy to share.

    Alex
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  19. #19
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alex13 View Post
    Good morning! Day 22 since I took my last Suboxone. I am so happy to report that I slept at least 6 hours last night without major sleep aides and it feels so good. I have mastered the Jedi mind trick to control my dreams, I focus on what I want to dream about and repeat the thought until I fall asleep. Believe it or not, it works. I'm still fighting rapid heart beat and don't feel even close to normal but I'm really starting to feel like I'm beating this thing.

    I went to my primary care Doctor yesterday to get a flu shot and explained to him what has been going on, his response was great. "I'd like to throat punch that Doctor". Coming from an older by the book Doctor, I thought it was great.

    Today I'm going to put on my headphones and jam my way through work, I have two buildings to design today and for the first time in 22 days I'm feeling creative. I have made a list of songs that really speak to me during this process, if anyone is interested I'd be happy to share.

    Alex


    Congrats Alex on day 22. A job well done. I admire your strong commitment to this.

    Never forget that the BEAST is always waiting for you to think you have this made and a little pill or two would be ok to try. You'll be right back to day 1 fighting again.

    Stay Strong, just for Today!

    Those dreams - I wonder if that "Jedi Mind Trick" would work to give me the winning lottery numbers? Lol.

    Randy
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  20. #20
    Ming23 is offline Platinum Member
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    Hey Alex
    Congrats! Keep posting so others can see that the taper does Not have to be a horror story! You're doing great!
    Make sure u stay well hydrated. You're an inspiration now to folks who are just reading the threads and have not yet posted themselves. I know i did that for months before I joined!
    Good job!

  21. #21
    Alex13 is offline Junior Member
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    Today has been a long day. I had to be in everyone face today, it's tough to smile and act normal when everything in you wants to just hide. Overall I'm not feeling horrible but just blah. I'm committed to seeing this to the end but can honestly say I'm tired and ready for this to be over. Trying to be normal sucks double the energy. I'm a very positive person but you guys would know I was being fake, if I was always bubbly.

    Weirdly enough, I haven't had one craving for Suboxone or pain pills. I've accepted that that part of my life is over, dead and buried.

    I'm excited to go to the gym tonight, I feel the best with my headphones on while exercising.

    Tomorrow is day 23, yay me.
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  22. #22
    Alex13 is offline Junior Member
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    Hi everyone, today is day 23 since my last Suboxone. Today I have felt pretty good but still off, the feelings of the ever ending cold continue. My throat is sore and my energy fluctuates. I got home from work and laid in bed in protest, I found myself starting to doze off than of course my phone starting ringing and I had to get up to work. I find myself wondering if I could actually have taken a real nap, the thought of that is amazing. That would be a real advancement in my recovery, I guess I'll try again later.

    My Mother was the most amazing lady, she always knew how to calm her baby boy. Today I got a text from my wife, she said "I love you and believe you can tough this out. You have been faced with adversity many times and always found your way out the other side. Keep positive and remember what you Mother always told you; "This too shall pass" "

    I cried like a baby. My Mom could always calm me no matter how excited I was and that was always her line, she would hug me or just say over the phone " Baby, this too shall pass". You know what? She was always right, the problems always passed and now seem insignificant. My focus went from zero to laser focused again. Thanks Mom!

    Love you guys,

    Alex
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  23. #23
    Alex13 is offline Junior Member
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    Good morning everyone, today is day 24 since I last took an Suboxone. I had another sleepless night last night but I'm so used to it now that it seems normal, I've grown to hate day light. It signals the end of my quest for sleep and another fight of the heat of the day. Sun isn't my friend.

    Last night my skin was on fire, I felt like I was sitting on the sun. The non stop cold, drainage and sore throat is a endless reminder of my stupidity and bad choices. I find myself wondering what I'm going to do without the continued pain I caused myself by jumping on and off pills, I used to not be able to tell if I was sick or just withdrawing again. Sad to say but pill addiction isn't far off from self mutilation, either way your hurting yourself.

    Today I feel ok, off and a little crazy but that's my new normal. I will manage and overcome.

    With all that being said, today is a great day. This weekend we celebrate the hero's and loved ones lost in the 9/11 terrorist attack, my problems pale in comparison. It's a great time to be alive and clean.
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  24. #24
    Alex13 is offline Junior Member
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    Day 25 since I last took a Suboxone.

    I'm feeling ok today, still far from normal. Had a little sleep last night but mostly laid awake thinking when will this end.

    This week I'll surpass 30 days, I honestly wouldn't have believed you if you told me in the beginning that I'd still be struggling at this point. I thought for sure this was a 10-15 day at the most thing and that I'd beat it easily, not even close. I have one of the highest pain thresholds of anyone you'll ever meet and will be the first to tell you how hard this has been. Not that it's been so painful but water boarding horrible, slow poke poke poke painful and mostly irritating.

    I've been going to the gym every night and pushing way to hard, I've been crazy sore. As weird as it sounds, I enjoy the pain. The pain helps me forget about the withdraw symptoms.

    Today is a great day to be alive. God bless all those lost on 9/11, May they all rest in peace.

  25. #25
    Alex13 is offline Junior Member
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    Day 26 since I last took a Suboxone! Today I'm feeling really good, energy is returning and I'm eating like a horse. I've been in the gym everyday and have already gained several pounds of muscle. I usually run about 210 at or around 12-15% body fat, I'm 192 today at 12% body fat. I've really lost a lot of weight and good fat by just not wanting to eat.

    Still not sleeping much but that's not a surprise, I expect that to linger for awhile. I'm just glad I'm not feeling so blah anymore.

    Overall MY way was tough but in the big picture I'd still be hooked if I had tried to taper, so in my eyes I choose the right decision. Not the most painless decision but as I've said many times, I enjoy a little pain.

    Thanks for listening!

    Alex

  26. #26
    xxHooTxx is offline New Member
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    Sounds like you turned a corner. Good for you bro. Stick it out. Today is day 23 for me. Still in slow motion but I'm not chewing a bullet any more.

    Your right about doing a difficult way but like you tapering isn't in my vocabulary. On the 20th last month when I jumped I had 29 left. Picked up my script the day before. I really had a bad two months before that and went to a meeting for some reason the day before and knew I had enough. I went home and told the old lady im done. She watched me cut open the 29 subs, put them in a cup of water and mix it up. I then asked her to do what I could not do and go throw it out in the yard somewhere that I would not know so I wasn't tempted to go digging in the dirt. I cried for a good 10 min about what I just did. Then called all my boys and reached out to all my old Na people that were still clean.

    Keep it up. You give me hope.

    Hoot.
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  27. #27
    Alex13 is offline Junior Member
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    Day 27! Every day is getting a little better, I feel almost normal but still am a little blah unless I'm up and moving.

    I upped my dose of melatonin last night to 6 mg, got some sleep but had crazy dreams. I notice that when I don't take it, I get less sleep but no dreams. Interesting.

    Really excited for day 30, hoping its down hill from there.

  28. #28
    Alex13 is offline Junior Member
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    Day 28 and feeling great, the worst is over and soon hopefully normal sleep patterns will return. Overall my energy has returned, my emotions are normal, still sneezing and can sleep but a pin drop wakes me up. Went Kayaking last night, we went about 10 miles and caught several big Bass. Love it that Fall is in the air, perfect timing!!!!

  29. #29
    xxHooTxx is offline New Member
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    Fall?? Man, I wish it would cool off down here. Though, it thawed me out good and I am no longer a steady internal 35f. Still sweating through everything I own. Fishing sounds good. I think I need to go get some reds in the gulf. I think that's what I will do tomorrow.
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  30. #30
    Alex13 is offline Junior Member
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    Hoot, I think what really helped me turn the corner is forcing myself into the gym. I started taking heavy workout supplements and they have helped my energy a lot.

    Stick with it, we're on our way.

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