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Here we go again - I need some support, let's chat! Please
  1. #31
    Iwantoff2013 is offline Platinum Member
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    Man, I feel for you. You're definitely experiencing all the normal stuff that comes with jumping off so abruptly. You seem like a pretty strong person and I'm sure that will carry you through this.

    Since you asked...
    If you were to re-induct, you could probably stabilize somewhere around 1-1.5mg, then taper from there using Robert's plan. I totally understand not wanting to do that since you've been off for a while.

    I wish I had some magic worlds of wisdom to make you feel better. I'm here to talk...
    Hugs,
    Kat
    Last edited by Anonymous; 07-30-2018 at 03:06 AM.
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  2. #32
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    Thank you. I actually read your thread. Well it's a lot of pages so I got the gist of the beginning and then towards the end of your taper because that's where I was interested the most.

    I know you mentioned some physical symptoms and stuff, so I've experienced them, though diminishing but still coming in waves, best be diminishing around TEN DAYS! I was in the worst physical for the first 3-4 days. You took your time but, reading through some, I analyzed if it was really that easy, it's hard either way I feel like. Easier the way you did it, but still not that great? Maybe I'm wrong.

    I'm having so much anxiety today. But don't want to to do anything. Looks like you kept busy. I don't know why but every time I think about doing something I just get to the point of like hyperventilating.
    Anxiety blows. Saw it in your thread a bit too.

    Thanks for replying. I tried to type a few other threads to make some buddies out of this.
    I just really don't want to go through this again.
    So, if I go back on and taper, even if it's easier, it will still feel like the same to me.
    I feel like I'll be slightly in WD every time I drop a dose and seriously, so much of this is mental right now.

    Oh poor me. I say that with sarcasm.

  3. #33
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Hey Kris - I also feel horrible for you. It's not suppose to be like this when stopping the sub. I read in your other post that the thought of pills had entered into your thoughts. That's not good by any means. I realize it's so difficult to "give back" or give up the clean time you now have, but why suffer as much as you are? Tough, TOUGH decision to make.

    Perhaps getting back on and tapering lower would be right for you. Maybe not. It has to be YOUR decision alone. We can't make it for you.

    I just wanted to let you know I agree !00% with Kat that IF YOU DO decide to re-induct and try again the dose to begin at should be around 1-1.5mg. I lean more towards 1mg myself.

    You don't have to make dose reductions of 25% either. You can reduce by 10% if it has you feeling better. Just a thought to consider.

    And again IF you do make that decision I would definitely take your time on each dose until you're completely stable, get use to that dose, and feeling very, very well. Whio cares how long it might take, the goal would be to get off and have the least amount of symptoms. If it takes 5-7 days on any one dose that's ok. If it takes 10 days on a dose then that's ok too. If you decide to continue the fight and NOT re-induct that's also fine. Make a decision and stick with it.

    Let me know if I can be any further help. I only want what's best for you and will support any decision you make. I know Kat feels the same way working with her now for months.

    -Randy
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  4. #34
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    Randy! Thank you. I see your posts a lot on other threads and they are really helpful.

    I just have a lot working against me at the moment. I just can't help but think, it wasn't this bad last time, right? What's different? I can list about ten things I know were different. My determination, using it correctly, reducing correctly, and working my way down to where I was physically in such good shape and addicted to running it out that I could do that every day, even on Day 1. It was summer and beautiful. God I hate winter.

    I just got myself up and going because the school called me. Pulled me out of a little bit of my misery because I had to f-a-k-e the friendliness on the phone to get the answers I needed. Then I got on the exercise bike. Helps, but I don't know.

    I'm starting to feel full of rage.

    Also, the using coming into my head is bad. I know I can't. I know I shouldn't. I guess it's the feeling of suffering that makes me say so what, but I don't want to go back there. It wasn't that great as much as my brain would like to think so.

    What I do know is I used sub for way too long but thought it was the only way I would stay clean. So, maybe that cancels that out.

    I also feel like coming off of full agonists was harder but faster, making this process more upsetting because it's longer, but not as bad, I guess. The problem with coming off full agonist drugs was that I wouldn't stay off for long!

    I know no one can tell me what to do. I wish someone would. Everyone is different and I know that from last time I beat this and also from all the threads I've read over the years.

    I have four day weekends Monday through Thursday and then back to work on Friday. I feel good when I'm at work. Or kind of. It's something to push through. Sitting at home doing nothing leaves me with no goals or motivation. Just waiting for it pass, dwelling.

    If I reinduct, I'd like to be off in a month or so. Which maybe isn't realistic. I have about 8 subs, some pills some strips. Of course my friend who is the helpful saint of subs just hit me up an hour ago saying she has 5 for me whenever I'm ready to get them. So that would put me at 13.

    Or I could "get rid" of what I have left and feel a couple hundred dollars richer.
    Also, someone who has been a close friend for years (sub user) completely stopped talking to me when she heard I was 5 days clean. Sometimes people suck.

    Also why is the work f-a-k-e always blocked out and then my posts deleted? I have to keep editing because of that. Also, I realize I am meaning to type other words but I type so fast that I type a similar one. This may make things confusing.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-14-2015 at 02:47 PM.

  5. #35
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    I hear ya, I really do, and I completely understand where you're coming from. Such a tough call and decision to make because you just don't know how you'll feel IF you do go back on, and you'll have to get off at some point and wonder what thay may be like....again.

    When I said it may take you 1 - 1.5mg to get stable I DIDN'T mean to begin taking that amount right away Kristen. I meant to actually perform the induction again, and you may be able to get stable and feeling quite well at far, far less than 1- 1.5mg. That was only an estimate.

    If, and again, IF you do considering trying again I would begin taking .125mg doses until stable and feeling better. i would NOT take .50mg or even .375mg to begin with. Take as SMALL a dose as possible and work your way up. If you can't get yourself stable until you reach .75 - 1mg or so that's ok, at least you know you found out by really trying smaller doses first!

    That's what I would do anyway. My thinking is you have several days of clean time, but you're also in withdrawals, albeit clean time withdrawals. So it may only take you 1 or 2 doses of .125mg (.25mg total) to get stable. That's what I'm hoping for anyway. Make sense?

    Please know I'm NOT attempting to talk you in to taking the sub again, just saying IF you do that's probably the way I would go.

    -Randy
    Last edited by Anonymous; 07-30-2018 at 03:06 AM.
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  6. #36
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    I like where you are thinking.

    I feel like it's such mind over matter too. I feel like at this point, even if licked a crumb I'd feel better. I found myself smelling the pills the other day and it brought me a sense of relief, for a minute. I don't know what I'm doing. What I am probably going to do, is contemplate this every day until suddenly three weeks have gone by.

    Oh the unknown.

    How does one even do 0.125 mg? Probably cutting a strip right >> pill?

    I know you are not encouraging me too. My fiance is driving me nuts. He was always like just get off it, get it over with, pushing me and I made a promise I would after new years. I hate breaking promises. So, thus I am here. He took off work again today. He is so concerned about the vast difference between yesterday (where I was smiling and laughing and feeling better) and today where I just hate everything.

    He then proceeded to say, I didn't think you would just jump off, I thought you would taper! I've been doing so much research on this stuff. It sounds like it's worse than getting of H if you just jump off like that. What were you taking again? OMG. Yeah I haven't read a lot of good about that...maybe you should go back on and reinduct to taper, isn't that what you did last time?

    I wanted to rip off his pretty little head.

    I don't know. I really don't know what I'm feeling. Again, it's more mental than anything else, I think.
    Ohhhh lordy lord, what have I got myself into?
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-14-2015 at 03:48 PM.

  7. #37
    DDAVE45 is offline Member
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    hey Kristin......are you still taking the benzo's at nite?......if so...that has to stop.

    If you truly are suffering and cant take it anymore....I see no problem with re-inducting at .25 and doing your taper the right way so that you can function.

    p.s. ......that's funny you said that about the smiling....would happen to me all time....I once was so happy out of no where that I even had tears in eyes..lol .... I had to tell myself to stop being a baby lol

  8. #38
    DDAVE45 is offline Member
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    did not see randys post before if responded.....but I absolutely agree with him ....start out by taking .125 ....wait like an hour and see how u feel .....if needed take another .125 ( that's if you decide to re-induct)
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  9. #39
    Iwantoff2013 is offline Platinum Member
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    Yeah, I had some symptoms at the end of my taper. But keep in mind: I had been on Sub for 8 flippin years! So, I knew I wouldn't get off easily, even with a slow taper. But any symptom I had was way better than how miserable I was during active addiction.

    I wanna write more but need to run out. Be back soon..
    Kat
    Last edited by Anonymous; 07-30-2018 at 03:06 AM.
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  10. #40
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    Honestly, I took benzos on Day 8 and not yesterday and then one today just a bit ago. Which is kind of how I handled my jump last time.
    But, it probably should stop sooner than later.
    Lord knows I don't need another thing to have issues with.

    I'm just gonna try to make it through another Day.

    We will see if tomorrow is any better.
    I remember 9 and 10 last time, were bad. Emotionally like this. I was so frustrated with how long it lingered then one day I woke up, 11 or 12 and I turned a corner hard.

    I guess I'm gonna keep trying here until I reach Day 12. Then there's gonna have to be a new plan in place. I will also be working then and it helps. I need to go do something. Sitting here miserable is miserable.

  11. #41
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    Let's say I stable at 0.25mg, then what?
    I feel like I would go backwards or would it cushion?

    AHHHHHHHHHH! So much to think about, I've been thinking about this all day. Obviously. I've been on here since 11. 5 hours sitting here miserably.

    Five more sub free hours. Woo. I'm gonna go try to spend time with fiance.
    I have locked myself away today and stopped doing all the things that helped me, like showering and eating and exercising.
    I believe they call this depression.

  12. #42
    DDAVE45 is offline Member
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    get out of the house and go exercise lol.......ill be back on later tonite and I better see a post that says you went out for a run or something lol

  13. #43
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    I'm not going running outside in 17 degree weather, but I will get on my exercise bike. I'll be back in a few hours. I need to get off here. I'm envious of everyone that tapered right and it's making me more sad.

    Thanks for the support everyone.

    Be back later.

  14. #44
    DDAVE45 is offline Member
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    also ...do you have the strips? or pill

  15. #45
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    I have both.
    Access to either more than the 8 that i have.
    3 Pill 5.5 strips atm. Sub saint has 5 pills if I wanted. I didn't even ask. She just always lets me know.

  16. #46
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    So much for not posting for a couple hours. I did just eat something and got on the bike for ten minutes.
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  17. #47
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Kristen - I completely understand you wanting to do your best to continue without going back on the subs. It's so difficult giving back those 10 days you've been off. You have my full support and I'll try to offer sugestions along the way.

    To answer your question though, the film is definitely better to cut into small doses verses the pills. That .125mg is HALF of a .25mg piece. Cutting a pill that low is nearly impossible unless you crush it into powder like some do. I would suggest the film over pills if they can be afforded. I suggest them anyway. If you have access to 2mg films it's even better! Cut the film with scissors. It worked quite well for me.

    The other question - if you do get stable on .25mg what to do then? You would ideally remain at that dose around 4-7 days to get completely stable then begin a taper. Slowly.

    You could try reducing per the 25% plan most everyone goes by, OR you it may be better to reduce by less such as 10% each time. Even 15-20%. IF YOU DO decide afterall to try subs again I would definitely take it real slow making absolutely certain you're stable at each dose befor reducing further.

    -Randy


    P.S. HAHAHAHA @ "rip off his pretty little head"!!!!! Lol.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-14-2015 at 05:26 PM.

  18. #48
    Deebo1 is offline New Member
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    Why make it so hard on yourself ? I say that respectfully and without judgment as I too struggle with my "relationship" with Suboxone. But I read your post and that is the question that comes to mind. Why would someone that has access to Suboxone and the self control to taper down slow and comfortable raise their dose and then "jump" off ? I can't help but wonder if you as well as myself and others on this medicine are motivated to ''jump" off a successful course of treatment based on the stigma or a sense of failure for not having brought the treatment to "completion" based on a predetermined timeline. I don't like the thought of being dependent on this med long term but I have also come to terms with the fact that I may never be able to go back to life before addiction and this med may be my only "window" to a normal life. We are only here for a little while, quality of life for me ranks far higher than "completing" this course of treatment. With that said I really hope I can live a normal life without this med someday. Also wanted to say congrats on completing your RN training that takes a HUGE amount of drive. Hope you get through this difficult time we all have ups and downs with or without the med.

  19. #49
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    I don't know why I chose it this way. I upped my dose, briefly, for fear of coming off I guess. I really don't have a genuine answer for that, besides what I said. Yes. I had a time frame, a deadline set because last summer I said the same exact thing and that clearly didn't happen. Kris gets frustrated with me and thinks I'll be so much happier clean and he is right. I was happier clean. Circumstances just were different last time. I just hate to give up ten days. I fear in some respects that I won't stick to the taper right and prolonging the inevitable anyways.
    Sure, I'd trade these ten days for an easier ten days but it's still another ten. Even before wasn't totally pleasant last time, though admittedly better, but it still wasn't great. I don't know how I'd manage those reductions. I was stuck on 2 mg for over a year. I don't know. I almost feel like I deserve this

    My mind is dark atm.

  20. #50
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    Rereading your post and yes the stigma, or failure. I dont feel like I'm who I am meant and can be on suboxone and for that reason it has really brought me down esp over the last six months when I missed my previous date.
    I feel like there is an entirely different person there. One I hardly know. I have stated before I am very tempermental on opiates, or maybe I was before and it just emphasizes it. I don't know. I just feel like I am not doing myself any justice.

  21. #51
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    Since Im talking about it too, if I want to help and take care of people I want to know I can take care of myself. Example working in VA Psych, a vet, totally addicted to opiates in his mid 50s came in saying his pills were stolen by a construction worker. Numerous surgeries years ago. I don't doubt his pain, whether residual or related to dependecy. Of course he denied addiction, but it takes one to know one. Loopy on his meds he confessed everything to me and for his best interests in my heart and because of the rules I must follow I had to document this confession. It was easy to build his trust because I understand it.
    Anyways, as this was my last recent job, sitting there in my 20s, addicted to suboxone, I couldnt help but feel like such a hypocrite and watching him and taking care of him, I couldnt help but wonder where I would end up.
    Plus, my mom, would be heartbroken od she knew this has whats happened to me, and thus is a drive I use to try to improve my life.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-14-2015 at 06:32 PM.

  22. #52
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    Day 11!

    Out of the house last night, it was okay. But, I'm still feeling it pretty hard.

    Really considering a small reinduction because I've got thoughts that I don't like that I'm having and it's causing me a helluva time. I thought I was ready for this.

    It's just the endless days of feeling like stagnant water.

    I was up by 4 am. Woke up to my legs hurting sooooo bad. I couldn't even stand it.

    Woulda, shoulda, coulda.


    I'm gonna try to keep posting but I think I am going to reinduct maybe. I don't know how many more days I can take of this. It's no walk in the park either way, but there's definitely an easier way to do this.

    I just feel relapse is right around the corner. Dang, do I feel weak as ever.

  23. #53
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Hey Kristen - I'm sorry you're struggling so much. It's a terible feeling I know. You keep weighing the options not certain what to do or which way to go. You know we'll support any decision you make, but I will say if you get 2 weeks clean I don't think I would re-induct at that point. Maybe if you had jumped from 6-8mg or something, but not where you did.

    But if you're having cravings or thoughts of using it MAY be in your best interest to give it another try? That's a tough call too. It sounds like you want someone to say hey do this or do that and get to it. I just don't want to make that decision for you myself. I can't do that. I can't see you or know just how bad you're really feeling.

    It just seems to me that those that jump off prematuraly at a dose above 1mg have problems and feel symptoms for quite some time. It's almost always a struggle. And those that taper as low as possible, taking their time at the smaller doses have the easier time of it. And I also believe the day skipping process makes a huge difference at the end of a taper. It helps the body rid itself of the half life.

    -Randy

  24. #54
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    In all serious, I have to be completely honest and I think I'm gonna have to hit an NA meeting for the first time today. I have a good friend, also on sub friend, gosh darn do I know so many of the likes of me. Every time I mention a friend it's someone else. Anyways, we don't talk a lot for the reason I am about to state. I have tried to distance myself from other users, even sub to some extent. Not all sub users are using it right. We have similar history. Love for music and our moms both died around the same age and that's when we hit the medicine cabinet. He is about 8 years older than me. We have bonded greatly over many things but we have slipped up together on a few occasions in the past and back then if it wasn't one drug, it was another if you catch my drift.

    He has been on subs for maybe 3 years now? When he can't find any he gets some oxy or tabs from his dad, quite the enabler, and he was for me too.
    Would you not believe that his dad, who I do dearly love, even though I find it strange that a 75 year old man gets about 200 tabs a month and 60 oxy 20s sells them all to a bunch a dumb F^cK5 like me, but his son (my friend) contacted me last night and asked how I was doing, to which I replied, "I feel like this is never ending. I wish I would have just detoxed my pain killers and lived out those few horrible days and then been done, but lord knows I couldn't keep that straight for more than a couple weeks, or even a couple days" and then he offered me something, not suboxone, in trade for my suboxone to "ease my WD". He said, I recommend you take something if you are still feeling this bad. I know how sub WD can be a nightmare.

    I think he takes about 2 mg/day, but he's known to be dishonest in the past. Aren't we all?

    Now, a few days ago I thought, no never again. I know I can't, I know I'd be hooked. But, here I sit and I want to justify it. "Because I have so much self control, look 11 days!" - yeah, right. That ain't nothin'.

    I really hate that I feel like I want to take something.
    There's an NA meeting in my area tonight. I might have to go, or something. I think I might be starting to feel better, and now it's making taking something at the end look so appealing. Like hey, this should stop it in it's tracks.
    WRONG.

    Man, last time I was much better at these mind games. Trumped that thought every single time.
    Why does it seem that everyone that knows I want to get clean, seem to offer a way to get me right back in or just cut me out completely, like someone previously mentioned.

    It's pretty messed up. I'm obviously scatter-brained, mental and craving to feel better, not even get high. I just wanna feel better.

    Sad thing? I don't even know what that feels like!

    Thanks for keeping up Randy.

    I feel like a total wack job right now. Guilty as hell, because that temptation is in my face and I didn't ask for it, though the thought had crossed my mind. It just makes me feel like I'm going to be a junkie for ever. Clean for X amount of time, and back on the wagon.

    I need to put this behind me.
    Swallow it down. This has been a comfort security blanket for years. The real issues, that's what I don't know how to deal with.

    Kris went to work today. He asked if he should stay home. Almost wished he would have because he would most definitely not let me go thinking of doing what I was offered.

    Hey, at least I'm being honest. So if there's one thing that you can tell me to do, be it "Don't you dare use!"

  25. #55
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    DON'T YOU DARE USE AGAIN!!! That will accomplish NOTHING and you know it. You may have to really distance yourself from that "friend" before he really twists your arm to the point of no return. He just wants to help - yeah, right.

    One is too many and a thousand are never enough!!! Right?

    You know addicts - always looking out for themselves. I sure did. I traded my friend some vicodin for Oxy's once. The Oxy's were too strong for them. Lucky me right. Only thing is the full bottle marked Oxy's was really Oxy's. I had removed the Oxy's and replaced it with generic Tylenol that looked just about the same. I knew this person was new to addiction and wouldn't spot the difference. When they asked me why they weren't getting high I simply said it must have been a bad batch of pills. Yup, my good friend and I ripped him off like so many others. Yuuuk.

    Hit that meeting up Kristen. Meetings besides the subs absolutely saved my life!!! I love going to meetings now. I prefer AA over NA myself. Seems to be more that are serious about recovery in AA meetings. I still go to NA, just not as often as AA. I have an amazing sponsor. I've phoned him in the middle of the night and wee hours of the morning a few times. It makes such a difference having that face to face support. I hope you do go, and continue going.

    Thanks for being so honest. Props to you girl!!!

    -Randy
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  26. #56
    Iwantoff2013 is offline Platinum Member
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    Hey Kris,

    Not that this needs saying, but don't go there! Think of using pain pills as "NOT AN OPTION". As simplistic as that theory is, really think about it. No matter what, using is not an option. Talk about flushing 11 days! Doing a re-induction is hella safer than resorting to pain pills. You said you "may" be feeling better. Is that the case?

    Going to an NA meeting is in order. Don't think about it, don't analyze..just go! Even if you don't want to. If I were in your situation, I'd go to a meeting every single day. You'll find strength, comfort, and the will to carry on.

    I really wish I could make your symptoms disappear. If only, right? I'm here for ya. We all are.

    Hugs,
    Kat
    Last edited by Anonymous; 07-30-2018 at 03:06 AM.
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  27. #57
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    Okay thanks for the responses. I checked them out but I was out in my car all day yesterday blasting music and I just had to get out of my own head. I think I went and bought just about every herbal supplement I could think of to lift this fog a bit.

    I can say Day 12!

    I am turning the corner I think. I work today so that makes me actually happy. I didn't sleep for about 25 hours. I was stir crazy last night. Laying around is just feeling awful so I started rampage cleaning. I guess I'm just mad I'm feeling like this again. Even after being out most of the day, I drove into the country for the heck of it. I actually did something really weird and bizarre. I was in my car literally all day. I took myself, slowly back in time in my head and physically, I drove past my old apts (when I was a chronic user) and the places I used to use or score. Just kept driving. Went by my first college, the one I attended when my mom passed. Stopped for a minute and just thought about what was wrong there and what was right. Couldn't find the right. So, I hit the highway. It's a couple hours to my hometown. I drove past a few places I used to hangout and use before it got crazy. I thought about all those people I grew up with that went similar directions as me, some are dead, some jailed for robbing people (people don't always lock their cars in the countryish parts), some are full blown dope addicts. Some are on sub. I just had to really think about it. Where were all these people now? Same place, same state of being, or worse.

    I can't say I didn't have some good memories, but as I get older I want memories more authentic.
    So I drove street to street. By my old best friends house who couldn't use opiates for the life of her, thank god. She threw up every time. I sat outside her house for a bit. There was some "light" in the attic bedroom, her old room, our spot. I painted the entire room a garden scene with a night sky/sun rising ceiling. I spent an entire weekend just in her room while my best friend worked, just painting my heart into this thing. Her parents loved it. They once talked about selling the house and told people the room comes painted as is, and a lot of people liked it. I was pretty creative and talented back then. So, I smiled at that. That's a distant friendship though, but I could find some happiness. Our late nights sneaking out to go walk around the park and the creek and smoke.

    So, I must have drove past 20 houses, of all the used to knows. I landed at the local Park. I remember being young and naive to drugs laughing with my friends playing basketball there and having never experienced anything tragic yet, what a blessing, blessed kid I was.

    I was walking the park area, retracing my steps. I bumped into someone I used to know kind of well. Not a drug user. It was awesome to see her. She was walking her dogs. It was just weird timing.

    On the way home, looking at the sky I wanted some sort of sign, who doesn't, still not feeling great, but now it was laid out what my life was like for a few years. My mother, I swear, has a way of showing me things when I absolutely need it. Or she gets into my dreams and I hear just what I need. A very blue bright but cloudy sky on a brisk day showed on this long highway drive what looked like two hands coming together and slowly melt to one in the clouds.

    I'm crying as I write this. It was quite the experience yesterday.
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  28. #58
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    Yes, as for the NA meetings, I will be going to one at this church I really like. Fiance is coming with me the first time because I just feel a little weird. It's embarrassing and guilty feeling.

    Never was I more selfish than when I was on drugs.
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  29. #59
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Hey Kristen -

    All you have to do is sit and listen to what's being discussed in those meetings. Don't have to say a word if you choose not too. In fact it's usually best at the first meeting to see how it "operates" along who's there. Theres different kinds of meetings, women/men only, sharing meetings, etc. It can be scary the first time going, but it's so worth it. If you don't like that particular meeting try another one at a different place. Or give AA a try. I actually prefer AA to NA myself. I still go to NA too. I'm so happy your going. Might make the difference for you as it has for me!

    Nice drive huh. You went back in time and that's awesome! We can't relive the past, but we shouldn't forget it either. We can learn from our past, both mistakes and victories.

    Day 12 for you! Nearly 2 weeks!!! Working keeps you busy and your mind occupied. Going to work helped me so much. Seems like you've made the decision to plow through this. Good for you! The supplements will help. Make sure to get lots of fluids in you daily. You know the drill.

    You'll make it - I have no doubts!

    -Randy

  30. #60
    Anonymous Guest

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    Thank you! Today is definitely brighter.
    I don't want to ever knock suboxone, because I think it really does save some people's lives,
    but the rear-view mirror paints a different picture.
    I took a one month screw up and went back on suboxone for a year and half.
    Probably should have toughed it out then. Or maybe I wouldn't have stopped.

    Who the heck knows! I just think a one month bender didn't need a year and half of suboxone. Silly.

    Well, I just got back into the recording studio in my house today for the first time in FOREVER. Felt so good.

    Then did 30 minutes of exercise on the bike.

    I have waves of feeling really bad and then some truly good moments.

    Benzos are done. I think they were making things worse at this point.
    Here's to toughing it out!

    Another positive. I just got accepted into a school I never thought I'd get into. Super competitive. I just saw it in my email when a response to this thread popped up.

    Thanks for being there Randy.
    And Dave, and everyone else!

    Seriously, very helpful you are. God bless.

    I'll keep coming around and I'll let you know how NA goes. There's a funeral on Kris's family side tomorrow. I totally don't do funerals. My family throws parties when people pass. No graves. No nothing. I went to his grandfather's, open casket, just about died from anxiety. I have however, take care of patients post death before the family comes to view and it doesn't bother me. Either way I had to politely decline going tomorrow. This is like a second cousin or something. Can't suck it up for that. It's so unfamiliar to me and it really makes me squirmish and sad and I'm already all those things. Unfamiliar, kind of like NA! For NA, I just don't want to run into people I know. I feel the word awkward coming to mind. At least Kris will come with me. I hope we go in a few days. I could use my little warrior sticking it out with me through this. If it weren't for him, I don't think I'd still be alive today. Seven years and going strong. He has been with me from sober to blasted, to losing my mom, to coming back to life, to losing it again, and hopefully back to life for good this time.

    Alright well I'll be around. Time to go to WORK. Finally. SO SICK OF NOTHING FORCED UPON ME FOR THE LAST FOUR DAYS.

    YAY! Work.
    Never thought I'd say that a week ago.
    Randy35 and DDAVE45 like this.

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