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Here we go again - I need some support, let's chat! Please
  1. #91
    Anonymous Guest

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    Hi Kat.
    So I didn't get rejected which would have been the worst. I am like one of ten or fifteen people on the wait list. I can still get accepted anytime between Feb and early May as the program starts in May. Sigh. I was wait listed for my last nursing program and got in when someone declined acceptance. Here is to hoping anyways.
    Lack of sleep triggers migraines and that cycle is one that continues. I have to get this sleep thing under control. Its really dulling my quality of life.
    Fiance and I have been arguing a ton making it difficult lately.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-24-2015 at 12:17 PM.

  2. #92
    Anonymous Guest

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    I don't want to start a new thread but I need some others (recovered) to weigh in on this.

    I'm in a slump. Sneezing like crazy, but that's besides the point.
    Today I did what I should. I cleaned, ate well, took my vitamins, exercised. Blah blah blah. So what's hitting me now and possibly caused by the lack of sleep, but who really knows, is depression. I managed an hour nap early and woke with my heart pounding, it was miserable. I am drinking water like I fish. I had to drink at least 2 gallons today. No joke.

    But, this depression - characteristically, not me. I don't think. Maybe? I don't know. I used to have it as a teenager, but what teenager doesn't to some degree? I was also a very happy person too. I knows that's quite contradictory, but you get my point. I also lost my mom as a teenager and starting doing a lot of different drugs a lot of the time. No, scratch that. All the time. There used to be a point (opiates always in the picture) that I would have to knock myself out with a muscle relaxer, alcohol, or a benzo and wake myself up in the morning with adderall just to go to school. Surprised I'm not dead as I write this. I was a mess. This was 5 years or so ago. Not that long, but long enough! That's been history for a long time. It lasted a short while after my mom died. Like a semester. Still, surprised I'm not dead.

    Opiates - they made me feel numb and a false sense of security, but I sure could still have a lot of fun and think it was sincere and by opiates, I most certainly mean suboxone. It's been a long time since I've really been into pain pills besides my minor relapse...maybe 3 years in total or more...regardless it's been a while since I've really felt the high. I dabbled a few weeks and went right back to subs, which in all account, I now think that's my DOC. What the he-------

    Let's talk about depression - it's depressing. DUH! I did what I should today. Physical symptoms are at bay today for the most part. I know it get's better with time. Last time I quit sub, depression wasn't THIS bad. At 3 weeks clean I took off to a music festival and had SO much fun (drug fueled fun but at least it wasn't opiates and I didn't come home with some sort of addiction). Went right back to running, oh I guess that's a lie. I hadn't smoked a cigarette in almost four years and came back a smoker. But hey, that's better than a nice opiate habit. So, did that four day festival give me a great time with my friends having fun in the sun dancing to music, enough dose of fun to ship off the depression to some island to be forgotten? I mean, we partied, but it wasn't anything THAT crazy. It was simply adulterated fun.

    Hmm well that sounds stupid, that I had a dose of fun that fixed it all because simply put, I just HATE drugs. For what it's worth, I absolutely hate them. I did homework today, like I should. I'm doing all these like I shoulds but this depression is terrible. Aside from that, I am super mad at myself for not going to a meeting today. After the awful sleep I got last night, I just didn't have the energy. I just didn't feel like showing my face. The sleep I got was awful. I was up at 5 something for a few hours, slept a few more hours with valerian and forced myself to wake up at 10:30 because if I slept any longer, I'd be battling another night of poor poor sleep. Well that's still a possibility at this point. It's 11:30 and I'm still awake.

    I'm not even crying depressed. I'm just blank.

    I don't think this is who I am? Or is this consequence? I just hate it! I have not been like this for a few years now. My mom died 5 years ago on the 28th of this month. This month is always depressing, but separating myself from that, this is something different. I don't know. I need this to lift. I don't feel like I recognize myself at all. Maybe that IS the depressing part.

    Ugh with a year clean under my belt, I was happy as heck.
    I don't remember it taking a year to get there.
    I DON'T REMEMBER. The same not remembering, is the same cause for relapse. I had simply forgotten how MUCH this sucks. I hate winter.
    It's awful. I feel awful mentally.

    I guess this is why people relapse. Is this the addiction in my head saying you feel bad and using makes you feel better? That theory is wack. That's not what makes you feel better. It's distancing yourself from the awful drug that made you THINK you NEED it to FEEL BETTER.


    Time. Time will tell.
    I don't know. If I had advice to give to anyone, it would be, don't do drugs. But, hey we wouldn't all be here chatting! Just my late night thoughts on a ramble...

  3. #93
    Anonymous Guest

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    Also, speaking of recovered people needing to weigh in, there are so very FEW out there on here, and for those of you that are, thank you for taking the time in your recovered life to be there for others. I hope and plan to do the same this time. It really helps. So thank you.
    I remember I got better and I was gone from this site. Vanished. Where do all the better people go?
    Wait, ding ding. I know the answer. They were all at NA/AA today. Where I should have been, but instead I spent the day depressed. Ha!

    God, I hate myself today, whoever the heck that is!

  4. #94
    Anonymous Guest

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    I'm dying to start a new thread.
    I want to move myself from the detox phase to the recovered phase starting right now. I'm impatient, what can I say.
    I want some super motivational thread that makes others reading it that are struggling to go, heck, I want to be clean! I want that! It does get better! Then I want to talk about all the things us recovered people did to get there. I typed the thread but I don't know how much attention it will really get.
    So I didn't post it.
    As I know, this takes time to get better.
    But, I'm sick of complaining. I want to hear all the good things. I know it gets better. I don't want to know when. It will happen when it happens.
    I just need a compelling happy thread. I want to bury this one, but not forgotten.

  5. #95
    Iwantoff2013 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kristen_RN View Post
    I don't want to start a new thread but I need some others (recovered) to weigh in on this.

    I'm in a slump. Sneezing like crazy, but that's besides the point.
    Today I did what I should. I cleaned, ate well, took my vitamins, exercised. Blah blah blah. So what's hitting me now and possibly caused by the lack of sleep, but who really knows, is depression. I managed an hour nap early and woke with my heart pounding, it was miserable. I am drinking water like I fish. I had to drink at least 2 gallons today. No joke.

    But, this depression - characteristically, not me. I don't think. Maybe? I don't know. I used to have it as a teenager, but what teenager doesn't to some degree? I was also a very happy person too. I knows that's quite contradictory, but you get my point. I also lost my mom as a teenager and starting doing a lot of different drugs a lot of the time. No, scratch that. All the time. There used to be a point (opiates always in the picture) that I would have to knock myself out with a muscle relaxer, alcohol, or a benzo and wake myself up in the morning with adderall just to go to school. Surprised I'm not dead as I write this. I was a mess. This was 5 years or so ago. Not that long, but long enough! That's been history for a long time. It lasted a short while after my mom died. Like a semester. Still, surprised I'm not dead.

    Opiates - they made me feel numb and a false sense of security, but I sure could still have a lot of fun and think it was sincere and by opiates, I most certainly mean suboxone. It's been a long time since I've really been into pain pills besides my minor relapse...maybe 3 years in total or more...regardless it's been a while since I've really felt the high. I dabbled a few weeks and went right back to subs, which in all account, I now think that's my DOC. What the he-------

    Let's talk about depression - it's depressing. DUH! I did what I should today. Physical symptoms are at bay today for the most part. I know it get's better with time. Last time I quit sub, depression wasn't THIS bad. At 3 weeks clean I took off to a music festival and had SO much fun (drug fueled fun but at least it wasn't opiates and I didn't come home with some sort of addiction). Went right back to running, oh I guess that's a lie. I hadn't smoked a cigarette in almost four years and came back a smoker. But hey, that's better than a nice opiate habit. So, did that four day festival give me a great time with my friends having fun in the sun dancing to music, enough dose of fun to ship off the depression to some island to be forgotten? I mean, we partied, but it wasn't anything THAT crazy. It was simply adulterated fun.

    Hmm well that sounds stupid, that I had a dose of fun that fixed it all because simply put, I just HATE drugs. For what it's worth, I absolutely hate them. I did homework today, like I should. I'm doing all these like I shoulds but this depression is terrible. Aside from that, I am super mad at myself for not going to a meeting today. After the awful sleep I got last night, I just didn't have the energy. I just didn't feel like showing my face. The sleep I got was awful. I was up at 5 something for a few hours, slept a few more hours with valerian and forced myself to wake up at 10:30 because if I slept any longer, I'd be battling another night of poor poor sleep. Well that's still a possibility at this point. It's 11:30 and I'm still awake.

    I'm not even crying depressed. I'm just blank.

    I don't think this is who I am? Or is this consequence? I just hate it! I have not been like this for a few years now. My mom died 5 years ago on the 28th of this month. This month is always depressing, but separating myself from that, this is something different. I don't know. I need this to lift. I don't feel like I recognize myself at all. Maybe that IS the depressing part.

    Ugh with a year clean under my belt, I was happy as heck.
    I don't remember it taking a year to get there.
    I DON'T REMEMBER. The same not remembering, is the same cause for relapse. I had simply forgotten how MUCH this sucks. I hate winter.
    It's awful. I feel awful mentally.

    I guess this is why people relapse. Is this the addiction in my head saying you feel bad and using makes you feel better? That theory is wack. That's not what makes you feel better. It's distancing yourself from the awful drug that made you THINK you NEED it to FEEL BETTER.


    Time. Time will tell.
    I don't know. If I had advice to give to anyone, it would be, don't do drugs. But, hey we wouldn't all be here chatting! Just my late night thoughts on a ramble...
    Hey hun,

    I'm really sorry you're struggling. I know it sucks, big time. Winter sure doesn't help matters. Your post broke my heart and I wish there was something I could say or do to make it go away. When I jumped off Sub, I had depression set in, too. It lasted a couple weeks, then lifted. One day, I just woke up and it was pretty much gone. About 3 weeks later, it came back again for about a week. Then gone again. Since then, I've had "the blues" (wouldn't call it depression) on and off..mostly off. It really does get better. The days are a hundred times better than they were that first month.

    I think you said you're taking 5htp, right? It takes time to work. Plus, as you know, your mind is healing. It's so hard to wait when we feel like hell. I know. When I quit Sub the first time (many years ago), I found a few articles that talked about depression and depleted potassium and magnesium levels. I started drinking lots of potassium (from coconut water) and took a magnesium supplement. Within a couple weeks, I felt so much better. Who knows if it was the extra P/M or simply my mind healing. Not sure but thought I'd mention it. I've been drinking those Naked protein smoothies. They're chock full of potassium (and lots of other goodness) and taste pretty dang good. Placebo effect? Maybe. Maybe not.

    Anyway, have you thought about talking to your doctor? It may be jumping the gun a little since you're newly clean and depression is pretty common, but may be worth it.

    Get your butt to that NA or AA meeting! Try a few to see which ones you like. You have nothing to lose and lots to gain. I never thought I'd end up at meetings, but they've made such a difference in my life. I don't think I would have made it 5 months clean without them.

    I'm always here. Sorry I didn't see your posts yesterday. Also, I understand about wanting to start a new thread, but stick to this one. When you start feeling better, you'll be able to look back and have a reminder of where you never want to be again. There were so many times I read my old posts when I was having cravings to take pills. It really does put things in perspective.

    I hope today is a better day. Hugs...
    Kat

  6. #96
    Anonymous Guest

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    Feeling a lot better the last few days!
    Been doing NA online meetings to get my feet wet first so to speak! I have met some wonderful people. There is a private chat function and I have had so much talking to a few individuals. Finally getting the courage and feeling better enough to make it to a real meeting. But for now, this helping.

    Finding hope and love in NA.

    This is great!
    Iwantoff2013 likes this.

  7. #97
    Iwantoff2013 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kristen_RN View Post
    Feeling a lot better the last few days!
    Been doing NA online meetings to get my feet wet first so to speak! I have met some wonderful people. There is a private chat function and I have had so much talking to a few individuals. Finally getting the courage and feeling better enough to make it to a real meeting. But for now, this helping.

    Finding hope and love in NA.

    This is great!
    Your post brought a big smile to my face. You sound happy, for the first time. I'm so excited for you. You've turned a corner!

    So glad you did some online meetings. Next step - in person meetings!! Nothing compares to that face to face support and comfort.

    Hugs,
    Kat

  8. #98
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    I know! I finally feel like I got a grasp of what's up and I'm out of the fire!

    YAY!

    It can only go up from here! Recovery talk is the best therapy I have found as yet! So much inspiration and love for life - clean life!

    It's so great. I couldn't even begin to describe the way it feels! I'll stick around here too but I am just overjoyed with all the support I've got here and online and next step in person!

    I am just excited. It feels great!
    Iwantoff2013 likes this.

  9. #99
    Iwantoff2013 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kristen_RN View Post
    I know! I finally feel like I got a grasp of what's up and I'm out of the fire!

    YAY!

    It can only go up from here! Recovery talk is the best therapy I have found as yet! So much inspiration and love for life - clean life!

    It's so great. I couldn't even begin to describe the way it feels! I'll stick around here too but I am just overjoyed with all the support I've got here and online and next step in person!

    I am just excited. It feels great!
    Yay!!!

    You should definitely try to find women's NA or AA meetings. They're my favorite. It's just different to be able to share with women only. You won't be sorry!

    Talk soon...
    Kat

  10. #100
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    Hi Kristen,
    I wanted to share something with you..
    When we are using whatever that means to each of us ?
    We don't think anything of having a bad day..
    Most days are bad but we just keep putting one hand on the pill/ strip and carrying on..

    But for some reason when we are clean we question every little mood change..
    It is not all bad ..
    I really feel opiate recovery is one of the toughest on the brain...

    We need to recognize these changes are for our enjoyment..
    Didn't numb get old?

    We can not have it both ways..
    At this point there are only 2 options..
    Numb/ using ..
    We know the outcome of that..
    Clean/ recovery
    Anything can happen!
    Possibilities are endless...

    I had many years of clean time through nursing school and 1 year of law school..
    Back then I never questioned my mood changes but for some reason we think we can do all this to our body all the while aging too..
    And then we stop and all issues should go away!

    It really is funny..

    Myself included..
    I feel entitled to a smooth ride..
    But why?

    You and I worked hard to become nurses.
    Not everyday was perfect..
    We knew what we wanted and did whatever it took to get there..
    I have learned about myself through that determination..
    There were many days I felt I did not understand this or couldn't do that..

    But we did it..
    Just like we will do this..
    One day at a time..
    Nurture yourself , be kind to your brain..
    We are gonna be ok..
    We are strong successful woman..
    We sure as heck not gonna stop now!
    Right?
    Take care and God bless you and keep you safe..
    The world needs great RNs

    Bette

  11. #101
    Anonymous Guest

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    25 Days clean and happy as heck! Cant sleep but thats okay! First Na meeting tomorrow in person but ive made great friends online. So excited and happy. Thanks for all the support!
    Iwantoff2013 and Iluv2smile like this.

  12. #102
    Iwantoff2013 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kristen_RN View Post
    25 Days clean and happy as heck! Cant sleep but thats okay! First Na meeting tomorrow in person but ive made great friends online. So excited and happy. Thanks for all the support!
    How'd the meeting go? Post when you get a chance. You're gonna be just fine

    Hugs,
    Kat

  13. #103
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    Meetings going well! I just got home from one actually. I gotta work at noon tomorrow and the meetings around here are about an hour and half, so I'm going to try to make one at 10 am! I have a TON of phone numbers, new friends, and I just feel great!

    I think I finally found my home.

    The first day I wasn't sure where I was supposed to go, like literally, didn't know what door to go in. Saw a bunch of smokers outside and asked, "Am I in the right place?" and I got the biggest hug ever and they said "You sure are, welcome home."

    I am so happy!
    Hugs are the best. This is great!

    My legs still hurt and I am tired but nothing can take this gratitude and happiness away. I LOVE NA! Have yet to use a phone number, I'm a little shy, but I'm just gonna keep coming back!

    Thanks for checking up Kat!
    Iwantoff2013 likes this.

  14. #104
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    You are doing it girl..
    Living life on life's terms..
    Ain't it great?
    I am day 2 from jumping ..
    I am excited to get some clean time too..
    NA is a wonderful place..
    Let's us know we aren't so unique after all..
    Thanks for the update!
    Take care
    Iluv2

  15. #105
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    How are you holding up ILuv?

  16. #106
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    Great!
    I feel ok tired but grateful..
    I have a cold now .
    This is day 4 clean..
    I haven't had a cold in years never did on opiates.
    Strange!

    I have been busy at work..
    That is a plus!
    How was your meeting?

    I am very involved in AA.
    AA because that is where my sponsor goes..
    To me it's all the same..
    Mind altering things that I need to stay away from!

    I hope you are doing great!
    With this life thing !
    Fun. Right?
    Iluv2

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