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Here we go again - I need some support, let's chat! Please
  1. #1
    Anonymous Guest

    Post Here we go again - I need some support, let's chat! Please

    Well, I posted a thread and it disappeared, not to my own doing, so I don't know what happened.
    I used to come here long ago, and I got off suboxone and remained clean for a year. My last thread was so much better, which is now gone and all my energy to re-write is gone.
    So let's start with a few things I am thankful for since I got clean a few years ago:
    -I am engaged to a wonderful man.
    -I was accepted into a nursing program that required a 4.0!
    -I graduated that program and am now an RN!

    Nursing student I was, one year clean under my belt. Working in service industry, with a coworker/friend that was always trying to offer my tabs and pill and whatever. I always politely declined. However, as time went on she made it seem fun and interesting again. I don't know what I was thinking. One day. I messed up. Steered clear for a week. Was offered again, and off to the races and I ran for a month.

    Fearing a terrible relapse, well, it already was, I went right back to Suboxone. I sat comfortably at 2mg/day for over a year now. In the last few weeks (December), knowing I was getting ready to kick it for good, I UPPED my dose to around 4mg/day sometimes. HAPHAZARDLY. I should name this thread that.

    Last time I did this, jumping off so it's called, I did it at a comfortable pace. I was a long distance runner, 30+ miles a week. I was mentally in a great place, it was summer and so much to do. I was ready. I got down to 0.5mg, semi-following Roberts plan, but probably staying at some doses a little too long. But, either way, I got off it! I got to the point where I would forget my dose. I always left them at home to prevent from taking more, which is the exact opposite of the more recent habit, where they were always in my wallet and I'd sometimes take more if something made me tick. Habits, they die hard.

    I am self-treating myself, or was. Because ladies and gents, if you have read this far, I am 8 days off suboxone and it is so much worse than last time. I don't know if it's because more years have compounded, even with a one year break, I've been down the rabbit hole for a little over a year and half now. Lowish dose, respectively.

    I'm not sure what to do.
    I can, and have the means, to go back on a taper so it's more comfortable. Physical symptoms are diminishing, but the mental is HORRIFYING. I am extremely feeling like I can not go on.

    I regret that last time I was here, when I did it the right way, I was someone who complained of being uncomfortable for a week and then was like, hey I feel good today and never really came back.

    This was like NA to me. It was so supportive. I had someone to talk to that gets it. I've cut out everyone I used to party with, everyone that even makes me think I might end up partying or making a mistake. Besides this, I'm straightened out well. But I'm just struggling now, badly. Emotionally, really really bad.
    I know that it's to be slightly expected, but in comparison to last time I can't help but think I screwed up haphazardly.

    Any insight? Encouragement? Keep going since I've made it this far? So many horror stories on here. I'm bound to be a success again, I know it, just not sure if that's now or what.
    I have used all my textbook and pharmacology resources, googled and I can't find any information on reinduction of suboxone with no relapse on other junk, like if it is helpful to go back on stabilize and do it the right way. It's the dead of winter. I am depressed, freezing, it is also freezing. I have no motivation, but sure can muster up the energy to cry, a lot.

    Thanks for reading, I hope my posts were not deleted because I am an RN? I don't know if that's conflicting but if so, I will make a new account. Thank you!
    Love and light,
    -Kris

  2. #2
    Iwantoff2013 is offline Platinum Member
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    Hi there, welcome back. Wow, we have so many nurses here lately (three of whom are tapering off Sub as we speak). Their threads are all on this board. And one of them is named Kris, too!

    What dose did you jump from this time? After 8 days, I'm inclined to say just keep going. The mental aspect will probably be there even if you re-induct and follow the taper plan. As you know, your mind needs time to heal from the year of Suboxone use.

    I have to run out but will check back soon. Hang in there.
    Kat
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  3. #3
    Iwantoff2013 is offline Platinum Member
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    EDIT TO ABOVE:

    If you jumped from a relatively high dose, perhaps it would be beneficial to re-induct. I'm sorry you're struggling so bad. Be back soon...

    Kat

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    DDAVE45 is offline Member
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    hey kris.......I know your upset with yourself...but don't get too down on urself.....your only human just like the rest of us. Temptation is always out there...and it is an everyday fight.....but its one that we choose to win or lose. I would def suggest that you re-induct yourself.....and to be honest there aren't that many horror stories....only people that choose not to do it the right way will suffer. The hardest part comes after you are clean ....as you have experienced im sure, but if you did it once you know you can do it again. You seem to have everything going for you right now.....even more of a reason for you to succeed and get through this!!

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    gottidog is offline Junior Member
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    Hi there, please do not reinduct... you are almost there. You jumped from a very low dose and going back on them will not make the jump any less painful next time. You are at 8 days already and I started to feel A LOT better at day 14, jumping from 4mg to 0. I am on day 43 right now and feel so much better than i did any day on meds. I know the mental part will suck and it will be there for a couple weeks to come. My physical symptoms are almost completely gone except for having to take melatonin to fall asleep(I'm not even sure i need that anymore) but i do feel sluggish here and there but it's not an every day thing or even an all day thing at this point(i do have a thread of my day by day progress if you want to read). I just think that going back on them will do nothing but delay the inevitable and only drag this out for you. You can do it, you HAVE done it... Despite what the previous 2 posters said, it doesn't look like they really read your thread attentively(no offense to you 2 but you missed that she jumped from .5mg) and they would probably also suggest you not go back on them if they re-read your thread.

    If you read my thread you will see that i believe nutrition, supplements, and exercise play a HUGE part in how quick your body recovers and the fact that you were in such great shape the last time probably played a big part in you recovering so fast. So what i suggest is you stock up on supplements and protein shakes and dig your heels in. You can do this...

  6. #6
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    THANK YOU FOR REPLYING. I was just waiting for my phone to buzz for the last couple hours!

    Yeah, I messed around in December with the dose for fear of jumping off, guess I was calling it my last little bit of play time not that I really caught much of a buzz with sub but it sure made the all-nighters studying run smoothly! Gave me quite a bit of energy. So, I messed with the dose to 2-4mg/day. Then after Christmas, I started doing 2mg only with a day or two at 1 mg, then back to 2 mg....The days before I jumped it was two days at 1 mg and I had been feeling sickish all week yet tolerable, but it was barely a week after being at 4mg some days.

    I actually felt so much better after posting. I got up a cleaned the destruction of mess I have created the last 8 days. The weather just really isn't helping, plus I'm stressed out cause I want to be off so badly and I want to get on with my life and career. I got into nursing because my mom was a nurse, an amazing nurse. They have a memorial garden at her hospital for her. She died when I was 17.

    I had a cystitis bladder condition growing up. So, I dabbled with pain killers around 15, naive to the fact that they were actually addicting. A coworker would see me have a spasm fit at work and give me a few of her tabs and they helped so much. Had I known I was playing with fire, I probably wouldn't have played, yet anyways. I figured, a pill is just a pill. It's medicine! It can't hurt you. They only taught about the hard stuff at school. Needless to say, I would take pills often, then daily at 15/16. Didn't find some one day and started to feel sick. I got better for a few months after I googled pain killers and read the truth. Then, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and from 17-19 I pretty much didn't care if I was alive or dead and I hit the party scene and I hit it hard. I was already in college dorming at 16 so my family had no idea what I was up to. Never touched H though. Thank god. I knew myself well enough at that point, that I knew I'd be down the rabbit hole, and I may never get back out. Sorry for so much history. Like I said, this was like NA for me. It just feels good to get it out.

    I think after about a year on sub I start to really hate it. I feel terrible on it and off it (at the moment).
    I don't know if it's because I'm very thin, but I sometimes would feel sub withdrawal within 16 hours after dosing 2 mg, maybe that's cause my doses weren't always precise, but routinely every morning I would wake up to tears running down my face, always symptom #1, which is why I start to hate it. Every morning I'd have to wait for it to kick in to get out of bed and tears to stop.

    My fiance is very worried about me. He's taken off work to watch/help me. I was saying some things that were pretty serious sounding, like the things I'd hear people say when I worked Psych. He hates that I take suboxone, but he told me to get on here and see if I should go back on it or at least talk to people who get it. He has never had addiction so he doesn't really get it too much, but I think he really sees my struggling. He wants me to be strong. I never thought he would suggest going back on it. He's been pushing me to get off for awhile. I'm pretty numb and not very nice when I'm on opiates in general. I think last time I did this I turned the corner around Day 12, but dose was 0.5 for awhile, to the point of forgetting it.

    The emotion thing is hard. I have a lot guilt and sadness that I never addressed properly, but I do think the year I had clean was a good one, addicted to exercise! It's sad, because starting so young, even though everyone around me thinks I have my stuff together because I excel in school/work, I really feel like I don't have a true sense of who the heck I even am. This has been an issue on and off for over 7 years. It blows my mind.

    Anyways, thanks for reading. I wondered if I took like a small sliver, like 0.25 if it would even help or if I just have to deal with this until it goes away. I read the skip methods, to cushion the landing, but heck, 8 days is pretty good and that's a LONG skip. Love advice anyone has. I don't want to really go back on and redo these last 8 days again if I don't have to, but I don't think I could do another week where my fiance thinks I'm gonna off myself. Alas, one day at a time, or by the second hand tick.

    Thanks for replying and reading. I type a lot! SO SORRY!
    I can't help it. Pent up stuff for years!
    I remember Robert said, once you do it, you never have to do it again.

    With love,
    Kristen

  7. #7
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    I am sort of scattered brained so my posts may seem that way as well. To clear it up, the first time I did this, three years ago, I jumped at 0.5....This time, not so much. More like upped dose to 2-4 mg to a crash course taper to 1 mg and I dropped out of the sub race 8 days ago.
    Lowish, but not that low considering I was up to near 4 about a week or two before that. The very long post I just wrote pretty much explains it all. Again I apologize for all the history. It's just stuff I never discuss. I love all you people on here. You are all very great.

    Talking is HELPING. I feel a billion times better than I did a few hours ago!
    I got my butt off the couch and did something. Moving around helps even though it seems like such a draaaaaaaaaaaag.

  8. #8
    gottidog is offline Junior Member
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    Ok, so i misread, not them... You were talking about last time. Sorry to the other two.. didn't mean that to sound like it did.

  9. #9
    iloerose is offline Platinum Member
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    This is YOUR thread, so don't worry about writing long posts. I would definitely go and read dave peerson's thread, turbo_girls thread and BTexas2010. All of those people did what you are doing and won the battle. You are 8 days in, I would seriously give it a lot of thought before going back on the sub again. You can do this. Yup, Robert's saying: You never have to use again. I think about that a lot and it has power, you are OWNING your life.

    Peace,

    Iloerose

  10. #10
    Iwantoff2013 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by gottidog View Post
    Hi there, please do not reinduct... you are almost there. You jumped from a very low dose and going back on them will not make the jump any less painful next time. You are at 8 days already and I started to feel A LOT better at day 14, jumping from 4mg to 0. I am on day 43 right now and feel so much better than i did any day on meds. I know the mental part will suck and it will be there for a couple weeks to come. My physical symptoms are almost completely gone except for having to take melatonin to fall asleep(I'm not even sure i need that anymore) but i do feel sluggish here and there but it's not an every day thing or even an all day thing at this point(i do have a thread of my day by day progress if you want to read). I just think that going back on them will do nothing but delay the inevitable and only drag this out for you. You can do it, you HAVE done it... Despite what the previous 2 posters said, it doesn't look like they really read your thread attentively(no offense to you 2 but you missed that she jumped from .5mg) and they would probably also suggest you not go back on them if they re-read your thread.

    If you read my thread you will see that i believe nutrition, supplements, and exercise play a HUGE part in how quick your body recovers and the fact that you were in such great shape the last time probably played a big part in you recovering so fast. So what i suggest is you stock up on supplements and protein shakes and dig your heels in. You can do this...
    No, she didn't jump from .5mg. This last time, she was taking up to 4mg per day, then quickly tapered, then jumped.

    Kat
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  11. #11
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    Is Robert even on here anymore? I sort of stopped coming on here when he got banned for something. I don't even remember what it was for. But, I looked at him like a sponsor. He was so supportive and helpful. I've never done NA Meetings. I feel many have had it much worse than I, and I don't know. I'll complain here and people can read or not, NA is very up front and personal, but maybe beneficial.

    I probably could use some counseling. I've been in and out since I was 13, before the drug days. Never found a counselor I clicked with, and I certainly never admitted to any habits. Plus, anyone I saw just wrote me a script and sent me on my way. I got dropped by one, the one I got after my mom passed, who was inclined to believe I was addicted to something, which of course, I was, but I wouldn't admit to it. I missed two appoints because I was busy trying to figure out where my next score would be and couldn't afford to miss an opportunity. She the terminated our relationship via voicemail, telling me she knew I had an addiction issue and that if I wasn't going to face it, she wasn't going to help me. Pretty sure that's the last counselor I had. I was pretty pizzed someone would just throw you to the wind because you weren't being totally forth coming within the first few meetings and missed two knowing you are not really doing well at all.

    Mornings are the worst. Since I dosed mornings mostly.

    Anywho, Robert! I hope he is well. So helpful. You all are too!

  12. #12
    DDAVE45 is offline Member
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    Kristen.....bottom line is that you jumped from a high dose....don't get me wrong....people have done it and been successful, but they also went through at least a month some sort of withdrawls. The choice is yours.....but why not re-induct at .5 and then taper from there to make things a heck of a lot easier for you. Trust me...I was also on subs for years....I have been off them for a couple years now ....I tapered down to the lowest dose possible and got off with absolutely 0 side effects.

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    DDAVE45 is offline Member
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    Iwantoff2013 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kristen_RN View Post
    Is Robert even on here anymore? I sort of stopped coming on here when he got banned for something. I don't even remember what it was for. But, I looked at him like a sponsor. He was so supportive and helpful. I've never done NA Meetings. I feel many have had it much worse than I, and I don't know. I'll complain here and people can read or not, NA is very up front and personal, but maybe beneficial.

    I probably could use some counseling. I've been in and out since I was 13, before the drug days. Never found a counselor I clicked with, and I certainly never admitted to any habits. Plus, anyone I saw just wrote me a script and sent me on my way. I got dropped by one, the one I got after my mom passed, who was inclined to believe I was addicted to something, which of course, I was, but I wouldn't admit to it. I missed two appoints because I was busy trying to figure out where my next score would be and couldn't afford to miss an opportunity. She the terminated our relationship via voicemail, telling me she knew I had an addiction issue and that if I wasn't going to face it, she wasn't going to help me. Pretty sure that's the last counselor I had. I was pretty pizzed someone would just throw you to the wind because you weren't being totally forth coming within the first few meetings and missed two knowing you are not really doing well at all.

    Mornings are the worst. Since I dosed mornings mostly.

    Anywho, Robert! I hope he is well. So helpful. You all are too!
    Robert "retired" from the forum quite some time ago. I believe it was in 2012.

    So glad to see that getting this all out has made you feel better. It may be best to just stick it out, but it won't be easy. There are certainly benefits to doing a re-induction (and then taper from a low dose). I hate to see people suffer after jumping from too high a dose. Let us know what you decide.

    Talk to you soon.
    Kat
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-12-2015 at 09:48 PM.

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    I know I'm really debating but I'm starting to feel a little bit better. I swear this site saved my life last time and it's doing it again. Seriously, thank you everyone. I love my fiance and I love him to death but he doesn't really understand. Funny though, today he was on the computer for a long time and just told me a bit ago he was reading about what I'm going through and the depression and anxiety. I don't know how he has put up with me. I had a fit of rage throwing >>>> against the bathroom wall a couple days ago, and two hours later I was working my service industry job with a smile on my face, even though i was freezing. I'm one of those people, where I make myself so upset and full of hate for something that I could blow through the roof. It's a double edged sword. I'm mad I got myself in this position and yet I want to experience zero consequence. If it were easy, we all wouldn't be here talking now. I do know that I have zero desire to use pills. That's not the kind of relapse I see in my future, ever again. I took a one month relapse on DOC and made a 1+year of a suboxone to stave of withdrawal. I had this coming to me, one way or another. I do know I would not have been clean before for a year, or here now if it weren't for suboxone, but it's starting to get too tricky and I'm done playing Russian Roulette.

    I read through Dave's entry on how low he reduced with little symptoms. I guess my question is, easier process but more drawn out? I mean, I imagine some reductions felt bad for a couple days, and I did see you mention that briefly in one post, hence staying on one dose longer (I read the whole thing). Feeling bad as in - minor discomfort? If that's the case I think I am approaching that now, physically. Emotionally I'm okay right now. Ask me again tomorrow when my brain is mad because it doesn't get that orange sucker. I played some video games with my fiance and he made me dance with him to a song, and I actually laughed. For the first time in 8 days.
    A life without laughter is very, very sad.

    So, I need to keep active. I was definitely in a better place last time and I think more emotionally amped and ready to do this. This one I kind of blew it off like a kiss and said to hell with it. Tomorrow is Day 9. That's good, that's really good. At this point I think 2 mg would give a buzz or make me sick. I don't think I get the full 36 hour half life effect. I felt awful withdrawal days one through three physically and that's getting better.

    I don't know. I'm just really trying to hate on this drug (even though it saved me), because I just want to be free. Man, mood change told 180. Thank you guys! Helping a lot. I'll see how the next few days go before I think about that giving in thing. Physically, I'm pretty okay. But, mentally, well that's just gonna be work no matter what.

    What really sucks is that a friend of mine, who was clean for almost 2 years, just relapsed recently and we work together and I saw him at work yesterday blitzed on H. I feel for him so very so. It's just that easy to do. But he is playing games with subs, taking them when he can't score/afford. I don't like that. I took Sub to retrain myself and be like a normal person in society. It's feeling incapable of continuing that regular life I was leading that's a bummer.

    My thing is, it can't get too much worse than this. So, going back on, and doing it again, I don't know if that's right for me. I don't ever want to feel these last 8 days ever again. But I see that it worked out VERY WELL for you Dave. I've been eating healthy, vitamins and protein shakes since day one. Bought an exercise bike Day One. Can't say I got on it much at all, but when I have it's helped. I dunno. I'm inclined to keep pushing right now. I'm sure by morning my brain will be screaming a different tune. Dose time is the worst. When I open my eyes I just want to throw a fit.

    But, I quit cigarettes by telling myself I hated everything about that for a few weeks before I quit. I've been hating on sub for awhile now. I want my power back!

  16. #16
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    Dave, if I reinducted at 0.5mg...How long do you think, obviously everyone is different, it would take to be done? That I am curious about.

  17. #17
    DDAVE45 is offline Member
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    Kristin.....my taper def was drawn out....Im sure I could have done it 5x faster than I did. You seem to be doing pretty good for 8 days in....maybe you should just try and stick it out. See how you feel the next couple of days....and go from there. I was under the impression you were suffering....and that's why I said it might be better to re-induct. When I first tried to come off....I think I jumped at like 1mg ....and didn't sleep for a week straight....to do my job I have to be at the top of my game and the no sleeping was really killing me...so for that reason I got back on and did a slow taper and no issues.

  18. #18
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    When I posted originally I was TOTALLY feeling like I was suffering. Emotionally any how. I am a roller coaster right now. Seriously. As the day goes on, I feel a lot better. I was kind of early into my day since I hadn't done anything but lay there and cry all morning screaming that I just want to be done. Done with what, that was the question proposed to me. Done with suboxone and this mess or done with life? Seriously, those are the thoughts that go into my head. I'm sleeping with the help of an Rx long-acting benzo, reluctant to share this because some are against it due to addict tendencies but as I said, I was given many Rx when mom died. This is one drug I've never had a real thrill over but of course dependency can occur. If I weren't sleeping, I would be having some serious issues. But, I've taken it to get through this first week, have the smallest mg RX'd and I'm switching to Valerian Root and Passion Flower I think it's called. That stuff makes me feel all warm and fuzzy and is great for sleep. Melatonin gives me major problems. I experience sleep paralysis from time to time and whenever I take melatonin it happens. I can open my eyes but I can't move my body and it lasts anywhere from 30 seconds to 5 minutes. Not a fan.

    Seriously though, just talking on here has lifted my spirits. I'll be back tomorrow probably saying I can't handle the agony of emotions anymore. Fortunately my future hubby took off work again and he said he is making me get on the bike first thing in the morning. So far I can't go longer than 30 minutes. Day one I was lucky if I did 2 minutes. I'm gonna try to exercise thing a little harder. It worked SO well the first time.

    I guess I have a lot a guilt and feeling sorry for myself all in one. Frustrated I let it go this long. I go back to school on Tuesday next week. I think I'll be a lot better than I am now. I have a lot more psychosomatic going on right now. RLS was fine for a few hours then I got wrapped up in thinking and it came back hard.

    Easy does it. I'm gonna stick it out a few more days. I gotta try to put some more effort into getting up and going about life's routine. I'm starting to feel the power to beat it kicking in again.

    I owe a lot of that to you all here. Seriously. Thank you for listening.

  19. #19
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    I also am going back all online this semester too. So I'll keep busy that way and still have some time to sort through this without feeling under the microscope of others. People at work could tell i wasn't quite right. Gotta love that I've been saying "I think I have the flu" for the last two weeks.

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    DDAVE45 is offline Member
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    Kristin....the benzos are extremely addicting....taking them for a week I think is a little excessive. Never be afraid to tell anyone on the forum what your really taking.....it is important that you are honest so that people trying to help you know exactly what your taking. Im glad we were able to lift your spirits....I know its a tough road but you are the only one that can do this. You really have to want it and I feel like you do. Keep exercising throughout this process no matter what route you decide to go down....I really believe that was one of my biggest advantages with coming off with no issues. Any questions you have do not hesitate to ask...we are all here for you.

  21. #21
    iloerose is offline Platinum Member
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    Hey Kristen, yeah Robert retired, he like many of us, LOL, from time to time got banned, but he decided to move on, not because of that, but because he was just burned out and it was time to make a change. He left us the legacy of the sub taper anyway. He worked so tirelessly here for so long!!!! As far as I can tell he's doing fine!

    I appreciate your post about the melatonin. There is another person that said when they took it, the had like wide awake dreaming and then would actually wake up.

    Keep going forward, one day at a time.

    Peace,

    Iloerose

  22. #22
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    Thanks, I know they can be. A nursing phrase I will never forget "Always ween them benzodiazepines!"
    I have had some experience with this med on and off through the years, prescribed, with no issue. But, I heed caution anyways. When my mom passed or shortly in after, I took upwards of a month and had no issue coming off. Primarily because I didn't think they were helping me, I didn't like feeling like a zombie and they make me an emotional wreck. Hence the today was the last day because it might be contributing to the insane ups and downs I'm having. It eased my pain a little and let me sleep through these days. It did it's job, now I'll move onward. If I run into issue, it's so long acting and such a low dose, I'll just skip days for a few and then be fine. I have had no issue in the past. If it was Xanax, I'd be talking a totally different talk. Tried that briefly, realized it was too powerful and cut the ties immediately. I might be haphazard with my sub crash course, but I am careful about this. I don't need to trade one for another. I've done that before. I think last time i quit sub i took benzo for two weeks and came out alright. Not every day though. At first, then every other.

    I just did 30 minutes on the bike. This thread motivates me. I'm feeling pretty good right now.
    Well that's it for the night folks. Hope to hear from some of y'all tomorrow. I'm gonna keep updated and I'd like to stick around this time. I wish I had the first time. This is a good place to be, at any stage, wanting to recover, process of recovering or recovered.

    Read something Robert posted on your thread and laughed.
    No longer a cucumber. I'm a pickle.

    Night everyone. Thanks for the encouragement!
    Hoping for a slightly brighter morning.

    Love and light,
    Kris

  23. #23
    iloerose is offline Platinum Member
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    He was talking about having shirts made, LOL: Once you are a pickle, you can never be a cucumber again, LOL.

    Night, Kris.
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    [deleted - swearing]
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-13-2015 at 02:34 PM.
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    I've been really trying not to swear!
    I hate this site for a minute here! I am like no i did not swear in that post. I used the word f-a-k-e and my post is gone. I saw the word was like blocked out and reread my posts to make sure and that was the word that was blocked. Grrrr!

    I have been out of the house for the last four hours in -5 degree weather. Definitely does not help with the hot and cold flashes. I don't know. Feeling pretty blah at the moment. Not super terrible but really really blah. I did a lot of walking and driving today. I had to go to three different college campuses and of course parking is never near the building you need. I also got some phototherapy via tanning bed. I felt good in there, almost perfect at one point. Stayed in a little too long so maybe I can complain about being sun burned now instead. :P

    I just don't know! I feel a little hopeless.

    Kris wants to get me a kitten, he thinks it would cheer my spirits. God knows I love me some kitty cats.

    Hope everyone is well today. I'm gonna try to keep sticking it out.
    Today I of course contemplate taking suboxone mid day and didn't, even though I really like Dave's way of getting off with Robert's help. It seems like a lot of work and maybe a lot more will power than I have at the moment, since I had a habit of taking more here and there a lot the second time around. First time I was consistent. This time has been different. But, I dunno, the days are stacking up and I'm feeling pretty __________. Flat lined.

    But, I'm REALLY banking on some brighter days in the next few, or praying for. Every little bit of better helps.
    I just don't like feeling like a stuck record player, repeat, repeat, repeat.

    But hey, guess I did that every day while taking sub every day anyways. Repeat, repeat, repeat.


    All for now!
    Iwantoff2013 likes this.

  26. #26
    DDAVE45 is offline Member
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    haha.....I forgot about the pickle shirts!!...Kristin your doing great...keep sticking it out and let us know how your feeling. Also..my taper was actually really easy....but def drawn out like you said.
    iloerose likes this.

  27. #27
    Anonymous Guest

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    Thanks for keeping up with me Dave! I appreciate it.

    Seriously, I am crispy like bacon from the tanning bed. I think I am in more pain from that than anything else right now. I sleep like a baby when I burn the largest organ of my body (hey that's a plus!), I try not to but it felt so dang good in there. -5 degree weather with wind is no fun.

    So to look at it positively, I am no longer having chills and freezing. I am on fire. Oooooops!

    Kris is making fun of me as usual and on sub I'd usually get really upset, all the time. I am not super fun on opiates I realize. He is calling me his pink piggy and I'm actually laughing. I don't think I ever really laughed a lot being on subs this last year. The littlest things are starting to make my smile.

    Weird question, but has anyone ever experienced that thing when you first start kicking it, where you are in agony but smiling like no tomorrow? I used to get that whenever I came off pills for a minute way back when (not by choice) or last time when I kicked the sub. It took a little longer for the smiles to kick in this time, but sometimes I am smiling for no reason and at the same time I'm thinking in my head "Well, this sucks". Just a weird thing I noticed. Also, the sneezing. So many sneezes!

    Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh. I want to keep turning corners really badly.

    I just wish they would come a little faster. Ain't that like an addict, to want a quick fix?

    I play piano and guitar a lot, more when I'm not on opiates, so that says a lot, but there's one song/lyric I can't get out of my head, well a lot of songs, but posting about a quick fix made me think of it. Music has been helping, a lot.

    But anywho, as the song goes:

    The lava of a volcano, shot up hot from under the sea.
    One thing leads to another and you made an island of me.

    And I could liken you to a chemical, the way you made me compound a compound
    But I'm a chemical too, inevitable you and me would mix.

    And I could liken you to a lot of things, but I always come around.
    Cause in the end I'm a sensible girl.
    I know the fiction of the fix.
    Iwantoff2013 likes this.

  28. #28
    Anonymous Guest

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    Today is a total drag.

    The fight in me is getting harder and harder it seems.
    I keep trying to be positive but today is just a bummer again, in all respects. All the ups and downs. Good an hour, terrible for a few. Right now my physical symptoms are coming and going in waves. I just feel EXHAUSTED. I also haven't made much of an attempt to get up and do ANYTHING yet today, so that could be partially the problem.

    I don't really want to go back on and try to do it again, for fear of experiencing the same exact thing even at a lower dose. Though last time wasn't bad jumping at 0.5mg, but also that was a few years ago and I have a tendency to block out terrible things in my head. I just felt so much more mentally and physically ready and that is so important.

    Just feeling down and out. I know recovery doesn't happen over night.

    Day 10. Not cool so far.

  29. #29
    Anonymous Guest

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    This is like a terrible roller coaster.

    I just want to scream. I found myself this morning drifting into thinking about pain pills when I woke up and that made me really mad at myself. I had to keep talking myself out of it. I don't even have any connections anymore, since I eliminated them. But, I couldn't believe I was thinking like that. I guess just sick of feeling like this, so wanting the quick fix, such a temptation.

    I am not naive to this. I remember when I used I used to tell myself "Today is the last day" - binge like crazy.
    Wake up the next morning and say, "Naw, that wasn't that good of a end all, let's try that again". I did that for about a year.

    Sigh.

    I am Type A by every definition. I do not tap out until I absolutely can't go any further.

    I can go further. Alas, it sucks.

    UGH. BRAIN - GET IT TOGETHER.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-14-2015 at 12:03 PM.

  30. #30
    Anonymous Guest

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    I am going to throw this out there, because my head is seriously all over the place today, like crazy.

    So, I'm talking crazy, talking circles, thinking circles.

    What would you even reinduct with at this point? 0.25 mg? People jump at this point!
    I don't experience that long of a half life from sub I don't think, I honestly feel withdrawal at night (even last time coming to the end of my detox, which I took it real slow like Dave did but still experienced some symptoms, for about 12 days, not so much mental conundrums going on though and NO desire to use at all.) I hate that I had that thought this morning. Really really hated that. Ugh, reinducting. Doesn't even seem like an option. I think I'd feel good today and bad again tomorrow. I don't want to hit reset.

    UGH! SO FRUSTRATED. I'm just not sure what I'm doing today. I am sick of feeling drained. Yesterday, moving around was alright for about half the day. I should probably get out of bed. WHERE IS MY MOTIVATION TODAY? I think one goodish day, made for one bad morning.

    I am not even going to ask the question "When will I turn the corner" - that's an answer know one knows.
    Yes, I have made improvements since Day 1 - thank god.
    I just am like, this is not enough for Day 10. Not right now.

    S.O.A.B.

    I really don't want to deter anyone detoxing, making it seem that bad, because it's doable, and I've done it before. Better than this? Sure. Definitely. I tapered. TAPER. But, if you find yourself in my shoes, and didn't taper too much, or didn't have the means, it's no walk in the park. But, I guess you have to want and be ready. I don't know how ready I really was. I just wanted to be done. Maybe that is ready?

    I am talking circles.

    People, taper lower than I did. That I believe would have helped significantly. At Day 10, I'm in limbo. No going back, waiting to go forward.

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