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I Have Stopped Subutex
  1. #1
    TheLoneWolf is offline New Member
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    Default I Have Stopped Subutex

    I started 8mg per day of Subutex pills after coming off of Methadone addiction, approximately 1.5 years ago. I took myself to get onto the Subutex through a family doctor, as the Methadone withdrawals were extreme after a few days--just kicking the air and wanting to die in bed. The worst pain I have ever felt in 29 years that I can remember was the MD withdrawals. Dr prescribing the methadone was suspended for his practices (long story short), he had me on 8 pills per day. I know they were the largest methadone doses, in pill form at the time, 2mg each(?). Can't quite remember but know they were the top dose to get 8 per day. I had wanted to get off of them, so I thought, my only way out was a lighter benzo than xanax. This doctor would give out whatever, you might say, so he placed me on 2mg klonopin 3x daily.

    After I went in to the family doctor 1.5 years ago in withdrawals, I came out on 8mg / day suboxone orange strips. I have been on 2mg Klonopin 3x daily since the methadone days. I've found the klonopin easy for me to control after so long, like I can just not take them for a few days, and there is no craving that is painful, besides the one programmed habitually into my head as a relaxing way to go to bed.

    Back to the primary reason I'm here. First off, Subutex turned me into a zombie throughout its course. I wasn't taking the full 8mg / day. I would take about 4mg daily depending on how the pill broke in my fingers. About 4 months ago I started bouncing around. Going from, on some days less than 4mg, to some days a full 8mg (taken in multiple doses). About a month ago, I realized I was just becoming way too addicted, losing appetite, weight, and started turning my dose around. I sort of bounced between 2mg and 6mg daily--depending on the day, which to me was better than 8mg everyday.

    About 3 weeks ago I was down to a pretty steady 4mg daily in two doses, morning-night. I didn't mark the calender, so I'm using my memory, but that is what I would say I was very near 3 weeks ago and forward. Battling purple eyes, being seen publicly, and weight gain, I was starting to hate that mirror...those old photos, videos--seeing myself with muscle, then seeing myself progress in time towards a skinny neck and sunk-in face, recently, did it. I snapped. So about 10 days ago I said, this has to be it. I got my dose down to 2mg daily. Thursday, 7 days ago, I didn't take any. Friday, I cried, but came out of it. Saturday night, I took under 2mg. The whole time in this "phase", my eyes kept tearing, no appetite unless the food was put in front of me. Monday morning, 80 hours ago roughly from this post, I took my final dose of under 2mg. Tuesday seemed to be the day I went into withdrawals, what I thought would lead to full-on effects, like the methadone did. Tuesday I got the restless legs. Headache would not go away. But, it was bearable, sick feeling, yet bearable. During these days before Tuesday, I was not taking the klonopin, as, like I said, I can seem to go for a few days without thinking about it, if I want to. I don't like the way klonopin feels anymore anyways, I just feel so weighted, and I'm not, I'm skinny. Anyways, Tuesday was the day of the withdrawals.

    Let me back-track to the weekend 5 days ago. I went out and bought many boxes of strawberry Equate from WMart. Each shake has vitamins and 250 calories. Not a meal, but better than only water alone. I have been drinking 1-2 at a time since I bought them, 2-3 times daily, water bottles in between. So I'm only taking in roughly 1000-1500 calories daily right now. With water, but my weight is holding, to my surprise, when it was steadily dropping on a digital scale.

    OK...here is where I am now confused. Tuesday I felt the withdrawals begin. Anxiety, which I still have. Loss of motivation, which I still have. But today Weds and now late weds night/Thurs morn, not a headache like I did on Tuesday, since. Restless legs I had Tuesday night. I took 4mg klonopin to try and overturn what I was feeling Tuesday night getting into bed. I slept well into today, Weds, repeatedly napping throughout (I'm not really tired right now because of todays sleep, but will surely fall asleep once I put my audiobook on my bedside playing). I did not move much today, except to the computer, and to the fridge and bathroom to urinate. Wednesday, today, it's like the withdrawals receded >> the day before. I just took another 4mg klonopin to go get ready to lay in bed. Don't get me wrong, I feel bad, but there is no diarrhea. No headaches. My head isn't exactly great feeling, but it's not aching like Tuesday.

    As of right now, my legs feel a little restless, but it's as if I had one day of withdrawal symptoms--Tuesday. I have not used since the final <2mg Monday morning. It's almost too good to be true. Things are not getting worse, and I can certainly say Tuesday was a withdrawing day. I felt my stomach moving all around Tuesday like the diarrhea was coming, but yet still no diarrhea. I keep thinking I am speaking too soon. But if Tuesday was the worst, I should only be much worse now. Right?

    I started this thread to document what is going on in my confusion with this. Why the withdrawals aren't progressing, I don't know. But I held off on the klonopin because I could, until I want to go to bed, which is right about now. So, I'm signing off.

    Tomorrow, Thursday, I will try to motivate myself back here, and explain still how I feel. Maybe the klonopin is the key in my own case, and I'm not suggesting it to others because, it is trading one addiction for another, but I have had two addictions you might say, and I saw the Subutex as the creator of this zombie, so first I deal with it.

    Maybe Tuesday was a "trick" phase I went through, thinking I was entering withdrawals, and they haven't even fully started--yet I keep relating to how much better I feel >> Tuesday, in my mind. Watch the story unfold I suppose, and we will all find out. I am still very temperature-unstable, but it's not so bad, to me, thinking of the withdrawals from Methadone, which had no end in sight as I laid in that bed.

    Thanks for any support. I will be back to post my progression.
    dianet83 likes this.

  2. #2
    sore6 is offline Junior Member
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    Please tell us how you are feeling? How is it today? I cut down from 8 mg a day for 8 years to .125 and was it for 4 days then this morning I took a .25 and I feel incredible. I want to stabilize on .25 for a couple of days, then cut it back to .125 then start jumping days. I hope it can all be done by April 1st, hope the fool won't be me that day. I also became a zombie on subs , my sex drive was wiped out completely. No ability to feel emotions, even I stopped listening to music since all music lost it's effect on me. That is sad.
    dianet83 and michaelhadenough like this.

  3. #3
    HeavyConceious is offline New Member
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    @ TheLoneWolf

    I am on currently day 15 with out subs. And when I had made the jump my last dose was a subutex instead of a strip. My first two days was not bad at all, managed to get sleep the second night and sleep throughout the day. After that days 3-7 little to no sleep with frequent bathroom visits. I am still experiencing the sweats and the past three nights I have had a little trouble falling asleep right away but up until then nights 10-11-12 I would fall asleep right away and sleep through the night.
    I am thinking the past couple nights I have been a little wound up due some of my own doings and it gets my mind running which can be hard to shut down from time to time.

    It sounds like you are doing everything in your power to make the hop easier on yourself (the suppliments from walmart), may want to look into getting zantac for nausea.

    Even tho the last three nights I didn't get the amount of sleep as the three before I still continue to feel better each and everyday. I am feeling like myself again, finally! I took my fourwheeler out over the weekend and Actually ENJOYED riding it!! First time I can say that in.. 4 years? It is also very refreshing to look into the mirror and see your pupils reacting to your surroundings!

    I wish you and Sore the best of luck, remember that you can always turn to us on the forum when you are going through this. You are not alone!

  4. #4
    sore6 is offline Junior Member
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    Good luck to you, you seem like you are doing very well, keep it up, amazing that you were on methadone, I hear that is very hard thing to quit. You are a strong person. For me as soon as I get my .25 mg I feel like
    Immediately everything is ok. Did a lot of crying this week, I can't believe what I have done to myself, while everyone was going out to the clubs and drinking and dancing, I was numbing myself at home for 12 years. Opiates turn you into a zombie. But there is no point looking back. All we can do is look forward. I am so happy for you, your story gives me hope and hope is what keeps humans alive. I will turn to you when I start jumping.

  5. #5
    TheLoneWolf is offline New Member
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    So it's Saturday night. End of day 5, no Subutex. I spoke a little soon with post 1. With pain, I couldn't motivate to come here until now. I went through a one day, make that sort of a two day, "flash", since I started the first set of withdrawal symptoms. By that I mean the next two days were up and down--false belief I was through it. But somehow, I triggered a lot of euphoric moments during day 2 and 3, by watching pretty lame TV shows. It gave me a lot of hope. I don't know if it had to do with rapid destimulation of my neurons through the day causing endorphin releases, or Subutex releasing in "chunks", but the withdrawals came. They hit hard.

    I had forgot to mention I started on orange strips, and switched to Subutex early on because, like that life goes, I had no medical conveniently at the time--so, drop the orange jellow, and it was cheaper. I have been on Subutex for about 1.4 years (after methadone, 1 year+). This isn't about just saying, "hey, I'm clean." This, everything, has taken near 3 years from my life. I'm not just upset, I'm angry. I didn't go to jail, to miss what will accumulate to the jail time I served, with not even a guilty sentencing. But, the devil is in the details, you might conclude.

    Today. Day 5. Today was harsh. I'm not going to mask the pain of what I feel, because it, is inevitable. This is my story to tell you. You do it or you don't. Life has consequences, for which you choose the outcome. Want to know about outcomes? I fell asleep driving at the wheel on cruise control in my new 2011 vehicle. Crossed a 2-lane road. Across the oncoming side. That is what makes me really think. The road is busy in the morning. The next cars were 1/4 mile ahead, on-coming. It could have been multiple family deaths that day in 2012. The car went into the ditch with cruise probably on 60mph, steep enough ditch to lock the car into it and go straight once it drove in. Hit a drainage tile, which to go into detail, acted like a 4 foot tall 45 degree jump. It was the next driveway entrance 150 feet ahead of where the car entered the ditch. Launched my car 6 feet off of the ground. I know, because my vehicle punched a slot through the outside of a big pine tree on the other side of the ditch while going through the air. It nose dove, based on a witness and the dirt impact marks. I was just waking up while going through the tree practically--it was a blur crash. Almost silent to me, though I felt my body bouncing, amongst all that noise. Caught the front corner on impact in the dirt. Not the tire. The headlight. Flipped the vehicle 4-5 times at all angles. Stopped in the grass on its side, my side. Sitting sideways on an auto-glass pile. Every one of 8 airbags deployed. Probably saving me. The car looked like you put it in a car crusher at a junkyard, and squeezed each side in a foot. I had just bought touch up paint for a very small nick on the hood. Looks like I didn't need the paint anymore. A tool...a large rotary hammer drill--an extremely strong power tool, in a bag zipped up in the rear hatch, hit the ceiling so hard, the entire power tool snapped its own metal frame in half into two pieces. That is the day in my life, where I know it all went wrong. Or you could say it went right, in some awful way for me. I crawled out of the passenger window. Confused, with a sore mouth, looking in mirrors for all my teeth, and I see my face. My face. My body. I was somehow, some way...after that freak accident that I'm left staring at my car in confusion...I was unharmed (in the momentary physical sense). Why do I tell it at all? Well, I like to think that I use that day for my support. Part of the demon in my diary, that needs the whole page ripped out.

    After that day, sedated by prescriptions, it somehow felt like a win. I had to downplay it to everyone, like, "yeah...those cars are built pretty good nowadays." I mean, who could feel like that day was a win? I was messed up in the head, but at the same time, I knew it, and I ignored it. I turned harder to the medicine to "slow my fall", but the whole time I was only accelerating faster, downward.

    Maybe writing this message is keeping the anxiety away, it feels like connecting somewhere, but when I walk back to bed, it's going to hit hard. I know it, and yes, I can do nothing but think about, how do I feel? I'm an addict. Don't think, that using never once crossed my mind in the last 5 days of pain. Because it did. But crossing my mind, doesn't mean that I'm going to do it. I'm stronger now. Something that grew me so weak, made my weakness turn into ammo to be mentally, incredibly strong. I pulled out the strength of ten men to hold myself down.

    Taper taper taper. It here, it's there, it's everywhere. I know how an addict thinks. I know how an addict's mind is trained, because I'm an addict. You want to know what I think about these long hauled tapers? It's a wall you're choosing not to punch your fist right through as Superman. I didn't taper. What I describe is hardly near a proper taper, and I know it wasn't, I was all over the place. I had mg's and mg's stacked within me, trying to disillude myself that my pain would be easier. I jumped from a cliff and I flew. I punched that wall, and the wall crumbled down. I still stand. It hurts. It burns. My neck is on fire. Nothing is comfortable except my clothes. Blanket on and I'm cold turned to hot. Blanket off and I'm hot turned to cold. My arms are chilled while my armpits pour sweat. The backs of my hands are chilled. My ribcage feels like Mike Tyson took a free punch on each side. But my neck, it's so hot. The bottom half I wish I could describe, calfs feel like they're detached. Urinating should be easy, normally, but it's like a task. It almost angers me to feel it, but this is the healing that I chose to deal with.

    Yet, here I sit. Writing this. With day 5 down. I can bear this detox, by myself in a bedroom at my own home, with no family around. If you can't get there yet, you're only fooling yourself. You battle, and you survive.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 03-23-2014 at 01:07 AM.
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  6. #6
    TheLoneWolf is offline New Member
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    End of day 6. No Subutex.

    Felt like day 5. But, I'm getting less anger built up against the pain. That could mean, it's receding. Don't get me wrong, I still cannot sleep, I sleep for a few hours near the time the sun rises. It's all I can do. The first days I could sleep, after day 3, for me, is where you know, you have a mission to carry out.

    My back is cold. Still sweating from the arm pits. Neck, still hot. Calfs have been so annoying, that I'm starting to just get used to them. I get up and walk instead of lay there, as much as I want to do it. I ate two burgers today. 2 gatorades, a shake, and 3 bottles of water. I don't think I'm taking in enough calories to flow any diarrhea, because I haven't. I am pretty empty, internally. My eyes circled with purple, and I mean purple. I'm probably not maintaining nutrition now, through this phase, but I'm trying to keep liquids in me.

    Yeah, this day hurts. I gotta go for now. Thanks
    Last edited by Anonymous; 03-23-2014 at 10:02 PM.
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  7. #7
    Iwantoff2013 is offline Platinum Member
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    You are a trooper. It's inspiring to see you holding strong.

    I'm sorry you're not feeling well and I truly hope things start to improve soon. Here's to day 7!
    Kat

  8. #8
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    Default On the same boat

    Hi,

    I read your story here and I just wanted to say kudos to you for being brave enough to go through this. I believe its the fear of the withdrawal that holds so many back from even trying. I am a mother, and I am not your typical "addict", the past few years have been a blur and a few months ago it hit me quite like it hit you. This is my reality and I have been in denial. Just goes to show it can happen to the best of us. We all just want to succeed and be the best we can be....not all of us are "druggies" or jobless bums. Some of us are just over achievers who tripped upon this double edged sword. At first your ahead of the game feeling better then ever...you think the meds are actually HELPing you. Then you look back and face how badly they've actually hurt you. Then you realize the person you were trying to "improve" by using...is the person you wish you could be now. So trust me I feel you. You realize, that person wasn't so bad after all....You live and learn I guess. With all that said, I wanted to let you know I am in the same boat with you! After a short wean over the past two weeks...I took my last dose yesterday, I am determined this time to get this done. "This too shall pass" I keep repeating to myself. I have to admit I am kind of a wuss as far as pain tolerance I took some loperamide yesterday and today because I hear it helps tremendously with withdrawals. I've read many good things on doses around 20 mg. Sounds like a lot but from what I read many people have succeeded through withdrawals with the least amount of pain. So far its taken away the stomach ache and mild muscle aches. I believe I'm still going through some withdrawal off of some oxycontin I got ahold of (trying to ease the suboxone withdrawals...smh...). I have been off and on with those two for the past 3 weeks. Probably not the best theory but I had convinced myself I'm confusing my receptors. I haven't touched any oxy in 4 days. I have been going down in doses with sub which is the good news. Anyways, I don't know you but I feel for you, and just wanted to let you know I'm here with you. I'm trying to stay positive and I keep reminding myself of all I have been through in life and all my reasons to get this over with. I'm 80% through with a nursing degree, and I am a highschool dropout with no family support, I had to do twice the work of highschool graduates and I worked my ass off to get where I am. Everything I've done in life, good or bad, I've been through with just my husband and my kids. I'm determined to do this for them. We can't change the past, but you do have control over your future. Remember that. Find your power....you have it in you. What is your motivation?? I can tell you have a lot of regrets right now, we all do. Just think of it this way, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? Your another day wiser today thanks to your experiences of yesterday. Stop dwelling on your mistakes, and think of who you can be tomorrow. Healthier, stronger, happier and proud of yourself for overcoming this demon. Pain is gain, and everyday your one day closer to this being over. I truly wish you the best and I really hope you keep posting. Your helping others, your success story will change someone elses life and motivate them to do it too. Don't lose hope and hang in there!

  9. #9
    jayryan is offline Member
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    Hey just wanted to wish the both of u the best of luck and myself have had my fair share of what u both are going thru I'm. 35 and started opiates at 18 and thought i was a super human at first hah! Yaya jokes on me right...now years later after seeing freinds die and end up in prison ( not to mention my own legal and financial problems) at any rate i can relate and wish the best of luck to ya...

    we all got to pay the piper at some point and they ain't no easy way out.... u gotta stay strong and focused no matter wT path u take... just for me personally i am in fact an addict and drugs will end up killing me if i continue...gottaa stiffen up that upper lip and accept life on life terms rather then reach for a pill or the bottle

    neways I'm here for advice and support too... just yall givin me strength and I'm in your corner... peace and love JAY
    dianet83 likes this.

  10. #10
    TheLoneWolf is offline New Member
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    Day 7, nearing end. No Subutex yet. I feel a change coming, something I can't describe. Yesterday I was pretty restless. My calf muscles still tingle and ache. Another burger went down with a shake, of course gatorade, which, I actually should not be drinking over water--due to the salt content when you're not sweating it all back out quickly. But it's a little easier to drink, I just can't go overboard without mixing water in my belly with it.

    I saw a commercial today for "non-habit-forming" Zzzquil, from the makers of Niquil, claiming, well, you know that story but...claiming it's for good sleep (imagine that). Have any of you tried Zzzquil? Tomorrow, I have to buy something for sleep. Melatonin, I thought about, but never got any. I was thinking I took it once and didn't like it, but I was really young, I think I've only taken it for sleep one time in my life because, I would naturally sleep through thunderstorms. I'm just probing for sleep options at this point. I can bear the pain in the day now. So, tomorrow for the 8th night, I'm going to try something new for sleep. I laid off the Klonopin. It wasn't helping with anything--nothing at all. I kept thinking there would be calm by using my Klonopin, but the days which just passed gave me some second thoughts on that. It just seemed to, for lack of better words, separate my hot and cold zones more wildly, and quickly, along with that sluggish weighted feeling. I noticed when the Klonopin wore off, it was like I became more comfortable. Really.

    Only bad part about laying in bed peacefully, is having a crazy cat that flings rugs if he can't get a drink from the sink when he wants it (with fresh water in his bowl that he doesn't drink). My bed is pretty "organized" for this, that's for sure. Hah. Big double-length pillow at my right side with tablet and phone on it, remote by my side, two regular pillows that I have to position perfectly to feel right under my head. It takes up a queen size bed; me and the pillows practically. Then the cat, trying to find a place on the bed to walk to and lay, usually ends up being my stomach. Which isn't comfortable. But it's like he wants to be by my side, so in a way, it sort of is comforting when he sits still and sleeps. Otherwise, he's tapping my chin with his claws, pressing on my whiskers that he just can't seem to figure out. Yeah, now I'm onto cat stories. Oh boy.

    Anyways. My digestion phase started to change. My stool softened today. Not to be gross/overly descriptive, but the transition from hard to soft was pretty evident in the toilet after going. Though it was basically just what was left of 2-3 hamburgers. No stomach aches, though. No diarrhea (yet). I don't know, I just explain it as it goes. I know my nutrition cycle is off course for this moment in life, but the drugs led to this nutrition cycle, and this moment in life. I'm using so little calories, I'm not losing weight but gaining likely some water weight. I mean, I'm wrapping myself into bed under the comforter 80% still so, not too much energy being burned up while I do go through these days.

    I'm past the hardest part, I believe. Emotions have settled down. I keep thinking forward, into the summer and out of the cold, while this cold wind still blows, and it helps to push me forward thinking about summer. This man here is not about to move backward. That much I know.

    It's kind of funny, in a way, that this whole time I was afraid of this. "Of this?", I think. I mean, I see people sleeping under bridges, fighting to find ways to survive in a city in the freezing winter, or in a jungle with no shoes, and I was afraid to lay in a bed. If it's a moment which inspires you, capture it, and hold it. Everyone has that moment, if you know what I mean, fighting this fight to turn yourself clean. You just know something is off with yourself in that moment, but in front you see the light. The tunnel is too short to be afraid of walking the journey through to the other side. Just get up and do it. Run all the way through it. If you dwell on that moment, and use it to push you, you will retain your ground. The fact that I'm speaking like this, my own words are sending me vibes that I'm turning myself around.

    Not the greatest poet and I know it, but when words in my mind are what's compelling me to stand, I come here and write, whatever I can. Motivational speaker, maybe not, but I will not allow me to grow any weaker. Now join me. Everyone that wants to do it and is readin. Join up, together, and I promise you we can beat this. I connect with these words, to whom non of you I know. But as you speak, I know you, a lot better than you think. As I speak, you start to know me, I hope at least partially. There's hope within that. But don't be partial to the greatest thing that you can do. Some of you have families or jobs, long commutes daily, saying to yourself that, "one day I'll save me". It's hard, and I know about that wall you fight against that brings your head level with your knees. You say quietly inside, "Just one more dose and I'll be free." Do you really believe that? It isn't true. Like I said before, that wall in your way cannot hold you. You are Superman. Now do what I do. Get up, face that wall, and smash your dam way right through.

    Thanks for the support. I hope I am helping support you too. Anyone. I'm writing for us both.

    To bed I go, for day 8 entrance.

  11. #11
    HeavyConceious is offline New Member
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    TLW Great to hear you are doing well! I am on day 21 going on day 22 tomorrow and I feel better and better each day. Feels great to be able to carry on conversations with individuals in my life that I once numbed myself from.
    Keep up the good work guy!
    michaelhadenough likes this.

  12. #12
    michaelhadenough is offline New Member
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    great that you are doing well! i just had a 40th bday and made the decision to quit. these posts and stories motivate me to do the same! heck, i been crying all nite as i read stories just like mine who have beat this horrible beast!!
    Iwantoff2013 likes this.

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