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Looking for Strength in a Moment of Weakness
  1. #1
    Mommy222Be is offline New Member
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    Default Looking for Strength in a Moment of Weakness

    Helllooo everyone!
    Today was my last day on buprenorphine...

    I need to keep telling myself that or I might not take myself seriously. I could barely get through this week on .125 mg in one piece with all the emotions flooding in.
    4 years I have been a slave to this substance. 4 years I have wasted feeling nothing, even when I thought I felt everything. Why is this such a hard conclusion to come to? Why does the future and who I "really am" scare me so much? I realized I have never worked at my current job sober. I have been on buprenorphine for most of the time, but also had pill stints, and H stints. What if I'm not good at my job afterall? What if I'm not a good leader without a crutch to give me a boost every day?
    And then I think, what if I will be a 100x better leader with the capability of EMPATHY? Not knowing scares me.
    What is to come for the next week scares me. I have no reason to be scared, honestly. My taper has been long, but seamless. Until now. The time has come. I am scared that I will fail myself. It's time to rip the bandaid off, right? No time like the present?

    Please tell me I am going to be ok, that I'm making the right choice and that I'm STRONG ENOUGH to get through this!!
    Ashley
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  2. #2
    zebra1961 is offline Member
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    Default Mommy

    Yes you will get thru this! You have tapered down so thats going to help a ton, will it be a cakewalk? for some it is some its tougher.Your brain will come out of the fog your memory concentration and reaction time should improve. I would not worry about work go and just do your job and dont look around terrified like everyone knows because they dont but might be wondering why are you nervous.YOU should start feeling the sun on your face the wind in your hair and have feelings again about things subs numbs you to ( such as feelings towards others babies crying bad things on the news etc) Its all doable, just keep telling your self every day off subs and drugs you will get better and better and better!!! I have been off since June 2016 , now i wonder what the hell did i do that for this life is soooooooooooooooo much better. YOU WILL GET THIS DONE hang tough it gets over quicker than you think. I was on Opiates and subs for ten years and subs for the last 2-1/2 years. So if i made it i Know you will, I dreaded wds and thats why i did not quit much sooner. It really wasnt that bad and i did not taper and jumped at 6-8 mgs.Your goona do fine chin up and i will bet work will just get better now. Keep us updated we are all behind you!!!!

  3. #3
    Mommy222Be is offline New Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by zebra1961 View Post
    Yes you will get thru this! You have tapered down so thats going to help a ton, will it be a cakewalk? for some it is some its tougher.Your brain will come out of the fog your memory concentration and reaction time should improve. I would not worry about work go and just do your job and dont look around terrified like everyone knows because they dont but might be wondering why are you nervous.YOU should start feeling the sun on your face the wind in your hair and have feelings again about things subs numbs you to ( such as feelings towards others babies crying bad things on the news etc) Its all doable, just keep telling your self every day off subs and drugs you will get better and better and better!!! I have been off since June 2016 , now i wonder what the hell did i do that for this life is soooooooooooooooo much better. YOU WILL GET THIS DONE hang tough it gets over quicker than you think. I was on Opiates and subs for ten years and subs for the last 2-1/2 years. So if i made it i Know you will, I dreaded wds and thats why i did not quit much sooner. It really wasnt that bad and i did not taper and jumped at 6-8 mgs.Your goona do fine chin up and i will bet work will just get better now. Keep us updated we are all behind you!!!!
    Hey Zebra,
    Thank you sooo much for your words of encouragement! I have done drugs for so long it's hard to imagine a completely clean life. But I just have to keep telling myself that in a few days, maybe a week, this restlessness will pass and it will all be worth It!
    I have prepared myself for so long but my biggest worry is that I will give in and take a sliver. I just don't want to prolong this any longer than I have to.
    Today will be my first day buprenorphine clean. I just woke up and I am already anxious because i usually take my dose at 5am or so and sleep for another hour or so, I had found it made my sub last much longer. I have a long of plans this weekend to keep me busy and in a couple hours the fiance and I are going to the gym so I can get some light exercise!

  4. #4
    zebra1961 is offline Member
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    Default Mommy

    Throw away any you have too tempting. You need to shift your thoughts from not having to what is coming the real you!! Once your free from drugs you will say why did i do that! I thought the same way you do and believe me soon you will look back and say this is the way to go free at last. Stay strong you can do it. I was so afraid of wds and quitting i thought i would never quit but when i did i dug my heels in and said no more running out my scripts early, worrying about getting more,watching the minutes till i could refill, just being a servant to drugs. This life for me is sooo much better I am never going back, Thats what i would love to see you do for you and baby, I am so happy you want to quit. It seems like a long time but believe me its well worth it , you will make it I know you will!!!

  5. #5
    Mommy222Be is offline New Member
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    I appreciate your support so much! Thank you again for the encouragement. My time on suboxone/buprenorphine never got to the point where I was out early or anything because I got sooo much. I was able to sell alot of my script for a while, I made close to $500 a month on them for a good year or 2! It got close when I was weaned down to low doses (new doc, and Thank god for her) and still trying to support my friend on them but I had to cut her off eventually, she jumped off .5 mg and did ok with it. Anyway I'm going to "blog" about my day and how I felt so that maybe I will help someone else in my situation!!

    Well day 1 came and went, it wasn't too bad. Spent 2 hours at the gym in the morning (which I haven't done in a year and a half) so I'm a little sore today. Then I got ready and went to my best friends going away party she lives an hour and a half away. We aren't as close as we used to be back in the day since we both have families now and stuff so I didn't know most of the people there but they had a bounce house and me and my daughter had sooo much fun. It had a slide and everything so I jumped around with her and slid down a bunch of times. It was the cutest. Then I took my daughter to sushi after (She is 2, and loves sushi for some reason lol) so we had a little date down in San Diego and then we headed back home. Everything I did yesterday was designed to keep my mind off it and it worked! The only sucky thing was that I didn't sleep very well last night. But I managed about 6 hours.

    Today my daughter, fiance and I are going up to Sammy Hagar's cabin!! My fiance's best friend is Sammy's nephew so we are excited to meet him and play in the snow with my daughter! It will be her first time in the snow. Today I feel like this is definitely do-able! The best part is that my fiance's best friend is also an addict, but he does meetings and the program (which I wont) and I can really talk to him about how I am feeling and he will actually UNDERSTAND! My fiance can pretend to understand but he really doesn't, he has never been an addict!
    I hope everyone has a great day today I will let you all know how I am feeling a little later on!
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  6. #6
    Ming23 is offline Platinum Member
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    Congrats on getting off subs. Every time u feel like getting high, think abt the child ur carrying. If that doesn't work, just tell yourself Not Today. What else can u do? Hang in there!

  7. #7
    Mommy222Be is offline New Member
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    Now that I'm up and moving I can give a little bit better of a picture of how I feel. Like I said, I am sore from the gym yesterday but otherwise feel ok physically. I am a little out of breath today, and get a bit dizzy occasionally so I just have to sit down every once in a while. I have been getting goosebumps here and there too but my skin feels ok. Sometimes it will feel a little crawly (if that makes sense) but I just think about or do something else to get my mind off it right away and it goes away. I sneezed probably about 20 times total yesterday and haven't at all today yet..
    So far so good!
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  8. #8
    Mommy222Be is offline New Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ming23 View Post
    Congrats on getting off subs. Every time u feel like getting high, think abt the child ur carrying. If that doesn't work, just tell yourself Not Today. What else can u do? Hang in there!
    Thanks Ming!
    I just gotta keep pushing!! Thank you for your encouragement!!

  9. #9
    Mommy222Be is offline New Member
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    Yesterday was a good day. Playing in the snow was so much fun except I almost got frostbite in my toes lol. I didn't have snow shoes, just rain boots with 3 pairs of socks on hah. But I really didn't dwell on my situation at all and besides the same shortness of breath I didn't have any other symptoms appear.

    Today is day 3 sub free! I actually slept really well last night! 8 hours of fairly uninterrupted sleep! I did take 25 mg of amitriptyline though, which helps alot. I can't believe I haven't had any RLS..that was my most dreaded symptom. This morning i dont feel any worse for wear. I mostly just feel proud of myself!! I'm even going to Work! The only weird thing is I just went into Bakers for a breakfast burrito and realized my vision is like super bright, almost like I needed sunglasses inside. Hoping that's not a precursor to a migraine like usual. I don't get them often.
    Anyway I just got to work so I have to get going but thank you to anyone who is reading my story and rooting for me. I'm sure it's not many but it really makes me feel better to be able to talk these feelings out.
    Have a great day!
    Ashley
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  10. #10
    Mommy222Be is offline New Member
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    Day 4 is a wrap!
    I battled some major energy issues today though I will say that! It wasn't until I took my break at 1pm and took a 40 minute nap or so that I felt better and like I wasn't dragging my feet.
    But when I sit down for too long I start getting anxious and antsy. I think keeping yourself occupied and busy is definitely the best medicine.
    I slept great again last night. I again took 25 mg amitriptyline, I'm going to only take 12.5 mg tonight. I have work super early tomorrow so I'm going to bed now, but overall I am doing great and haven't had any cravings at ALL. I Feel fine about throwing away the rest of my subs because I won't ever need them again! I might do something fun with my fiance like flush them down the toilet with him or something lol.
    I am sooo glad I went down to .125 mg before jumping, that week was tough but that was the worst of it.

    Also, I've heard countless times that caffeine makes it worse, I haven't had any issues. I am a very caffeine dependent person and unfortunately can't drink energy drinks or anything because of the little nugget in my belly (6.5 weeks pregnant!), so I stick to a grande Americano at SBux while I'm at work and maybe a cup of Joe when I wake up, and it helps me ALOT.
    That's all for now I gotta get to bed (:
    Love,
    Ashley

  11. #11
    Ming23 is offline Platinum Member
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    Hey Mommy
    Yeah. Vision becomes weird for a while. Senses are heightened. Proud of you!
    Your story will help others more than u realize! Esp pregnant users.
    It's always good to meet someone who's gone down the road we're on.
    Stay strong! Proud of you!

  12. #12
    Mommy222Be is offline New Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ming23 View Post
    Hey Mommy
    Yeah. Vision becomes weird for a while. Senses are heightened. Proud of you!
    Your story will help others more than u realize! Esp pregnant users.
    It's always good to meet someone who's gone down the road we're on.
    Stay strong! Proud of you!
    I think the vision thing was a one-off deal because I haven't experienced it again. I can't believe it's already day 7 sub free!! I haven't had any changes or symptoms in the past few days, I feel pretty close to normal! A little emotional if anything, I definitely feel myself getting choked up about little things but all in all I think it's going very Well! I still haven't had any cravings either. It's weird that it was so easy.. like, what am I missing here? At a .125 mg dose I figured my worst days would've been days 2-4... But here I am still doing great. I think alot of it is getting good sleep. The night I only took 12.5 mg of amitryptline I did not sleep well, so I went back up to 25 mg (last night was my last night taking it though), I only used it as an aid to sleep since 3mg melatonin, which is generally safer during pregnancy, did absolutely nothing to help me sleep.
    Anyway a well rested body feels good! And I've been going to the gym a few times a week which helps me feel good overall too!
    Anyway just wanted to give a quick update!
    Love,
    Ashley
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  13. #13
    Ming23 is offline Platinum Member
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    Ashley
    So very proud of you! Hang tough!

  14. #14
    Mommy222Be is offline New Member
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    Today is DAY 14!! Two whole weeks!! Holy moly. I came down with a wicked cold this week. I NEVER got sick taking suboxone! Or if I did it was like a day or two long thing, never a severe cold. This one kicked my ass! But I got to feel the type of cold normal people get lol. I was off Wednesday and took a sick day from work yesterday, and boy, it has never been so hard to lay around ALL day! as much as my mind wants to keep moving, my body definitely needed the rest. But now I can't breathe out of my nose, and I'm sneezing like absolute crazy lol.
    But anyway on a separate note, I had my first OBGYN appt to see the baby nugget Wednesday! It has a strong heartbeat and is measuring completely normal and everything! Doctor just wants to see me again in two weeks to make sure everything is still good. He was really surprised and shocked that I had been off subs for 2 weeks and didn't have any withdrawals, but of course, that was the reason I did it right and slow!!
    I did also get rid of the rest of my subs I had left over, wasn't much but I didn't want them glaring at me in a moment of weakness.
    I'm still waiting for my sex drive to return. Anyone know how long it takes? I can definitely "feel" more, and it feels better, but the energy to do any of it is rough and I still don't feel overly passionate. Anyway, any insight anyone has on that or tips, let me know!
    Xoxo
    Ashley
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  15. #15
    Ming23 is offline Platinum Member
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    Hey Ashley
    Lol. Your drives will return in time! The body knows when! Diff for each person.
    So proud of you! You have done a marvelous, fantastic, wonderful thing for ur child.
    I got the flu 6 days after i jumped. Then i sneezed for a month. Just the body getting rid of those subs...
    You will inspire many frightened addicted mothers-to-be. Sometimes we think we can't do something but then someone else shows us by example...
    Proud of you!
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